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POLL RESULTS: Playboy of the playground: (18 comments)

POLL: Playboy of the playground

Friday, November 19, 2010 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: Behind closed doors I began hooking up with numerous single women from my kids’ school.

Women talk, and I may have developed a reputation. Now I’ve been dating outside of town. In town I have been single, friendly, an active dad and involved in coaching and kid organizations.

Can my good deeds outdo my womanizing, or am I done?
POLL: Does being a good dad outweigh being a player?
 
34% (501) I'm a man, and I say no!
 
52% (759) I'm a man, and I say yes!
 
6% (89) I'm a woman, and I say no!
 
6% (94) I'm a woman, and I say yes!
1443 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 12:48 AM (#57518)

So you continue to sleep around, you just do it outside of town? Like women don't have friends outside of town? Yeah... you're never getting rid of that player title because you deserve it. Sorry. Maybe it'll go away once you stop.


Locked profile
DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 02:38 AM (#57520)

To the question, "Can I? or can't I?", the answer "yes" is always correct. So is the answer "No".


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 05:26 AM (#57523)

I voted yes, but you're not really a good father if you're jumping from bed to bed like a tom cat. I get the "fear of exposure" issues that probably drive you to be a man-whore, but here's the thing: through your actions, you're teaching your son that human relationships are fleeting things to be used for the pleasure of the moment.

Man up. Learn that your life stopped being about your own petty pleasures the minute you became a father, and learn to have real relationships with an eye to permanence.


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lwj2
Lover

Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 07:34 AM (#57524)

If you want a sterling reputation, you must have a sterling character.

That said, back in the day officers were told to "keep it five miles from the flagpole."

As has been pointed out, you're not setting much of an example for your kids. "Do as I say, not as I do" isn't much of a value system, it's right up there with "the ends justify the means."

Find someone to settle down with, give "serial monogamy" a try, or keep your indescretions in another city.

You don't sound like the kind of person who could deal with or explain polyamory.


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cptbeefalo
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 09:26 AM (#57526)

I guess I'm not certain what the true question you want the answer to is.

Do you want to know if you being a good father means someone might overlook your reputation as a player and settle down with you if you want to marry her?

Or do you want to know if you being a good father might overcome the player rep long enough for new women to continue to give you chances to sleep with them?

If the first, then yes, the right woman should see through the rep if you show her you are committed to her. If the second, it might be enough but it might not, depending on the woman. *shrug* The only true way to ditch a rep is to change the actions visibly.

Either way, just remember that part of being a good father is making sure your player lifestyle doesn't damage your children's view of relationships. Other than that, have fun and be yourself.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 01:32 PM (#57528)

Hey, Guy?

Change.

Now.

Do what you know in your heart you need to do. You're trying to get us to tell you it's OK to keep sleeping around and hiding it.

Permission: Denied.

Tote up your time spent here: Job, kid-activities, womanizing. Your son is getting short-shrift.

No your coaching time does NOT do double-duty as parenting time. Yes, I know your kid is on all those team you coach.

When you realize the extend of the damage you're doing to your son, it will be too late.

Change.

Now.


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spzeidler
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 02:48 PM (#57529)

contrary to most I don't see much of a problem with having a lot of partners -if- he isn't lying to the women he has his short affairs with.

Women appreciate having a sex life as well, even if it's just with a sufficiently nice guy and not with The Guy to Spend The Rest Of Your Life With.

The major danger there would be that if he meets Ms Right she might not take his "for keeps" particularly serious.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Friday, November 19, 2010 - 06:05 PM (#57530)

If you are a man-slut, then simply own up to it. Don't worry about what these women think because they must also be pretty much either sluts or pretty stupid to be hooking up with a man-slut anyway. Nice girls and smart women just don't chase players. It's plain and simple, just be yourself without worrying what everyone else thinks of your behaivor.

If you're only worried that your opportunities will dry up if the word gets out, then I have to tell you, thats just the nature of being any kind of slut, word always eventually gets around even in a large community.


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Henchman21
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Oct 2010
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, November 20, 2010 - 01:41 AM (#57533)

First off, I'm presuming you aren't married, and that whatever reasons there are behind that aren't part of this. Secondly, there's a deep, long, unanswered philosophical question here. Can some amount of good deeds make up for bad deeds? Implicit in that discussion are such things as what constitutes a good deed or a bad one, and is there some sort of measurement for the value/harm of a good/bad deed?

I'm with some of the previous respondents here, in that I feel that there is nothing inherently wrong with two adults hooking up for a brief relationship. I would even go so far as to encourage it in some people (not all, mind, and I won't list criterion here as they involve personal gut feelings about the people involved anyway...). I also have to give some support to the people who say it is just plain time to stop. The fact that you are worried about a reputation implies that you are either thinking about working at a longer term relationship (I would hope this one, actually), that the reputation hurts your game total (pardon use of colloquialisms here), or that you've felt the impact of certain labels that having certain reputations can have (Whenever I see this in someone who is a parent, it seems to be the child that feels the effects more than the parent directly. Not accusing or anything, just stating a personal observation that could be completely inaccurate.)

Chances are you won't lose your reputation. You could outrun it, say by moving far away, but that isn't the same thing. Oh, I'm sure eventually things will fade into memory, but reputations being what they are, kids being what they are, and the time honored traditions of insulting someone's lineage being what it is..... Well, I'm sorry, but I'd lay odds you'll hear about this in a rather unpleasant manner at some point in the future. I wouldn't necessarily have the talk ready for whichever kid needs it first, but I'd have some thoughts about it in the back of my mind. Sorry, man, and good luck.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, November 20, 2010 - 09:28 AM (#57535)

If you are being honest, then:

You're known for your parenting, and getting lots of sex from other singles, who are heterosexual women, and parents themselves.

The only eyebrows it might raise are among prudes who think lots of girlfriends indicates some moral failure, while it's really nundere bidness. Those types are going to judge you and talk about "damage" to your kids regardless. (Because he discreetly has heterosexual relationships with other single parents with similar issues?)

What's the problem?


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KillJoySpaceBoy
KillJoySpaceBoy

Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, November 20, 2010 - 09:36 PM (#57537)
In Response to NunyaBidness (#57535):

Hey, especially if you're not misleading these women into thinking you're into something long-term, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing. They should (and a couple of them probably are) be thankful for the attention. If they were going to be that easy to begin with they have nothing to be angry about.

Dating out of town sounds a little unreasonable.

Being a good daddy should be your number one priority. The only thing I suggest is if you start to feel like your personal life is affecting your daughter and her friendships, then I might start rethinking things. Otherwise, you're in the clear.


--
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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darkgolem
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, November 21, 2010 - 09:07 AM (#57538)

Women without kids look for guys who are masculine. Women with kids look for guys who are stable and dependable. Guys who hook up with multiple partners, regardless if they are honest and upfront about it; treating their partners with respect, are not considered stable, dependable future fathers for their children.

So your out of luck in town it seems.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 22, 2010 - 02:57 AM (#57542)

I'm with NunyaBidness on this one. He's single, they're single, everyone's an adult and a willing participant. Yeah, women talk ... but how is he any worse than they are?

The only downside I see is if he's looking for Ms. Right, and when he finds her she's so insecure that she thinks he'll cheat on her. Note to Original Poster: If indeed you would cheat on her, then doing your screwing out of town won't help -- the problem is you. And if you would be faithful but she still doesn't trust you, then the problem is her.


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Earlofthercs
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Nov 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 22, 2010 - 04:37 AM (#57543)
In Response to darkgolem (#57538):

Have you got a study/source to back up that statement? (Women without kids look for guys who are masculine. Women with kids look for guys who are stable and dependable.) I know single mums who enjoy casual sex with `masculine' guys, rather than a relationship someone `stable and dependable', particularly if the relationship with their children's father only ended recently. And even if the relationship ended long ago (or never existed) plenty of single mothers are perfectly happy (business aside) being single mums and are not interested one way or other in finding `future fathers for their children'. Your assertion might be right a lot of the time, or ever most of the time, but there are plenty of people in the world with different behaviours, viewpoints and ideals.

Also, your implication that `masculine' and `stable and dependable' are mutually exclusive traits is more than a little insulting.


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Earlofthercs
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Nov 2008
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 22, 2010 - 04:41 AM (#57544)

I think your developing a reputation is a good thing; if the women of your town/circle know you engage in casual sex with multiple partners already then there's far less chance of any embarrassing or hurtful misunderstandings in the future. As other's have said, there's nothing wrong with casual sex between consenting adults as long as both parties know that that's what's occurring. If you don't think you're neglecting your son at all, as far as spending time with him is concerned, then you've nothing to `make up' for.


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darkgolem
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 22, 2010 - 01:39 PM (#57549)
In Response to Earlofthercs (#57543):

It's unfortunate your offended. This article here relates some of the ideas I am talking about in passing, I didn't have time for a detailed search. 3rd paragraph down.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/101334.ph p

As for implying masculine and stable/dependable as mutually exclusive, I really meant prioritizing one over the other rather than exclusive.


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Archwright
Lover

Posts: 19

Registered:
Oct 2010
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Monday, November 22, 2010 - 02:50 PM (#57550)

Your child's school is not a dating service.

If you seek to be a player, then you need to do so away from the school. On the off chance you meet another parent while you are cruising, the best thing might be for the two of you to ignore one another. You don't want to be labeled as a player, and neither does she.

If you feel that your player nature may be setting a bad example for your kid, then you'll need to evaluate what is more important to you.

If you want to be involved in your child's life and with his/her school then do so. Just don't do it out of penance. Nobody will be impressed, and the women will still gossip (the men will, too).

The only thing you can do to repair your reputation is to stop hooking up with women from your child's school. Whether you like it or not, you'll be seeing them again for years and years to come.


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quixotecoyote
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Playboy of the playground (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, November 24, 2010 - 02:37 AM (#57556)

Wrong question. Since there's nothing wrong with having sex, there's nothing for good deeds to outweigh.

If he isn't cheating on anybody, isn't lying to anybody, and isn't behaving like a jerk with the women he dates, what exactly is he supposed to be doing wrong?

Better question: What exactly about this "reputation" do I find problematic and why?


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