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POLL RESULTS: Threesome Conundrum: (14 comments)

POLL: Threesome Conundrum

Friday, December 10, 2010 - 12:00 AM

This week... A year and a half ago, a married couple (childless, as are we) about the same age as us moved in across the street. We all became close pretty much instantly, hanging out a lot, having cookouts, etc. The husband has a job that occasionally requires travel and we'll sometimes invite the wife over for dinner when he is away. On one such occasion, something came over us (we'd all had a good bit to drink) and all three of us ended up in bed together. We were very ashamed of what we had done, and we made a pact to never speak of the incident. However, a couple weeks ago, the husband told me ever since he came back from that trip, his wife hasn't been quite as affectionate with him and that something was "missing" in their relationship. He doesn't suspect anything. I am really conflicted as to what I should do. Should I keep my silence and let them work out their differences? Or should I fess up and potentially put our friendship, their marriage and maybe even my own marriage in jeopardy?
POLL: What should he do?
 
4% (110) 'Fess up to his friend and take the consequences.
 
23% (545) Dummy up, you dummy. If his wife wants to confess, that's up to her.
 
3% (75) Let it ride, and hope hubby never takes a surprise red-eye home.
 
63% (1481) Talk to your friend's wife and share what your friend told you.
 
4% (110) Move.
2321 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
steyraug96
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Dec 2010
Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 12:28 AM (#57674)

OK, the example above might sound off.
He needs to help his friend develop traits which will attract the straying wife's interest again. And he may need to debase or humble himself in the process.

Besides Married Man, look up Roissy in DC.


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steyraug96
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 12:32 AM (#57675)
In Response to steyraug96 (#57674):

(Somehow this didn't get posted...) Send the man-friend over to MArriedManSexLife blog (It's on Blogspot, written by a guy who is married, and is keeping his marriage together.) Idea is, lead in talking to him about something - say, something the wife did, and how he took control of the situation, turned things around, and she got juicy, and they ended up in the bedroom for a while...
Lie if necessary - the idea is to get the friend to read the blog, and develop tools to win his wife back (even though she only strayed while intoxicated- something is missing, or she wouldn't have even thought of it.) If he can guide his friend to being the "Alpha Male" in that relationship, the friend's wife will probably feel things rekindle.

OTOH, it is a dangerous situation, as she obviously is feeling guilt, and that's affecting her relationship badly. SHE is the one responsible for that part - and SHE must be the one to deal with it. Either she takes the blame and deals with the problems, or she doesn't - and the man asking could have MANY problems (Q.V. False Rape Claim, for example.)


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quandary
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 02:11 AM (#57676)

If I had to guess, the problem in their relationship now is that she feels guilty for straying. It's obvious that all three of you feel guilty. That will tear apart your friendship and possibly their marriage.

You should be encouraging her to open up to him and confess, or at least not withdraw from him.

Personally, I'd invite them over again and see if threesome works as foursome. Have a little too much to drink, hash it out, and hopefully move past it.


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quixotecoyote
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 03:46 AM (#57678)

"Something came over us" ... "ended up in bed together"

Really?

From this letter it seems like the writer hasn't really accepted what happened yet. Until this person gets a handle on it himself(herself?), I don't think talking to other parties is wise.


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Archwright
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Oct 2010
Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 11:58 AM (#57679)

First, do a little research on the guy; talk man-to-man over drinks maybe. If you think that this will be a disaster, or you might spill the beans, skip this step.

Then, talk husband and wife in your own home. Figure out where you two want to go from here.

Last. the lady over, sans drinks, sans husband. Get clarity on what the three of you want. Tell her what the husband said to you. Figure out what the three of you are going to do. Let her handle the husband, but if she needs your help, help her.

You can't never speak of this again. It will be untenable.

Keep in mind a few things.
1. Infidelities happen.
2. One fling doesn't indicate a trend
3. Open marriages happen. Sometimes men enforce a 'one penis policy', but there's a chance that he's cool with it too.
4. The distance may just be guilt. Guilt is a powerful, powerful emotion. She needs to get past that for the spark to return. You two need to get past the guilt too. That's the BIG issue.

As a note. I'm a bisexual, poly man in an open marriage with a transman. I'm not a paragon of contemporary virtues. I am, however, very pragmatic.

Figure out what you and your wife want. Figure out what your lady neighbor wants as well. This trist will come on in the open eventually. It's best to control how and when. Be respectful of the neighbor husband. Then stick to your guns.

In closing, use condoms.


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vorlonagent
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 01:11 PM (#57680)

I'm surprised at you people. That last thing in hades this girl wants to do is meddle in someone else's relationship.

If Our Girl is concerned, and completely can't leave it alone, she should talk to the wife and ask what's up and go from there.

The notion of confessing to the husband is seriously wrong-headed and ultimately selfish. Our Girl feels guilty for the one-night stand. Confessing would relieve that guilt but pile on an order of magnitude more if it leads to the destruction of the couple's marriage.

The other couple is having a relationship crisis. About the best thing Our Girl should do is give the wife a listening ear, which she may very well need.

It's the wife who needs to drop a line here. She's the one with the serious problem. Our Girl's role is easy (emotional support!) as long as she doesn't overthink it or get her own psychological stuff caught the crisis.

Danger, Will Robinson! Our Girl has already *gotten* her psyche stuff caught in this a bit, but not so deeply that she can't extract it.


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vorlonagent
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 01:23 PM (#57681)

I just realized I took my cue for the gender of the questioner from Brad's cartoon.

If Our Girl is actually Our Guy, the advice is the same, With the following provisos.

Emotional support needs to go to the same-gender member of the couple. The husband may not realize he has a relationship crisis in the making.

If Our Guy can't leave it alone, he might want to talk to *his* wife. It's very likely the two women talk and Our Guy's wife knows what's up.

DO NOT TALK TO THE WIFE WITHOUT HER HUSBAND PRESENT. DO NOT BROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HER. YOU **WILL** STICK YOUR FOOT STRAIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THIS PROBLEM.

There's a fair bet that the tryst will come out as the other couple works out its differences. That may well end or dramatically alter your friendship. That happens and it sucks. Life sucks sometimes.


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hammysantana
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 02:49 PM (#57682)

Wow...so everyone here thinks it's all right to fuck around with the neighbours wife, but it's interfering to talk to the husband about it?

Fuck that noise...

You OWE it to the husband to tell him what happened. If the marriage breaks up, well then it's the whore wife's fault anyways. No excuse for what she did (and might possibly do again)!

You WILL lose a friend.

She WILL lose her marriage.

The only question is do you be adult about it and fess up, so this happens now, or wait until he finds out from her (which will probably be filled with lies like "they drugged me" or some shit like that). The band-aid has to come off...it's just a question about ripping it all off or pulling it off slowly.

OH! Unless he has a gun permit, then move outta dodge...seriously...why are you not packing your shit right now?


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Archwright
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 10, 2010 - 08:23 PM (#57684)
In Response to hammysantana (#57682):

@hammysantana
That's pretty immature, man. They've potentially messed this up pretty badly, but there's no sense in making it worse with a ham-handed solution. Saying, "My partner and I banged your slutty wife!" is in no way going to help matters.

There's plenty of ways to address this that respect the remainder other husband's rights that haven't been violated, his dignity, and his intelligence. There are plenty of ways to do that without hanging the other wife out to dry. You do bring up two good points. One, they DID mess up (finger wag). And two, this is probably going to go down poorly, very poorly. Have a contingency plan--or several--in case this all gets WAY out of hand.

@[most of you]
Right on the money. Ultimately, it has to be the other wife who brings this up with the other husband. She's known him for how long, compared to you two. However, it does take two (or in this case three) to tango; your responsibility for the situation does not end with your discussion with the other wife. You must hang together, or you will certainly hang separately.


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KillJoySpaceBoy
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 11, 2010 - 02:08 AM (#57686)
In Response to Archwright (#57684):

Aren't pacts a little too "I Know What You Did Last Summer"? My advice is for you to talk with the wife and possibly ALL of you sit down with him and "confess." It'd be one thing if the husband didn't know who it was his wife cheated on him with, but since you're all hypothetically good friends there's blame on your shoulders, too (though the wife made the ultimate screw up).

You do owe the husband truth, though it should not come from you alone and/or behind your friend's back. This is a delicate situation and should be treated as such.

I'm sorry if you're not friends with the couple anymore, but we all have to learn some how.

@hammysantana
Tact: You don't have it.


--
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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hammysantana
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 11, 2010 - 03:03 AM (#57688)

How the hell is it immature to realize that this situation is bad and there is no "positive" way out of it? I think it's pretty immature to say "sit down and talk it over...I'm sure you can all come to an understanding and maybe a compromise".

Really, those comments are usually by people who have no sense about the severity of the situation, but have been watching too much Dr. Phil, Oprah, Donahue (depending on how old you are) to just repeat ad nausea the pablum of "working things out". Yes, you can "work" somethings out in life, but let's get the facts straight here:

This couple had sex with another mans wife WITHOUT his knowledge.

Sorry if I have little respect for the parties involved. Just put yourself in the shoes of the husband and tell me what you want...to find out the truth months after it happened, or right away? Then tell me what you think your reaction will be...I'm sure if it was you, your land of "Care-a-lot" wouldn't be so rosey.

That is, of course, if any of these situations are real and not just someone sending in crap stories to see what we would write.

Oh...and BTW, calling me immature and lacking of tact? Real classy for someone who has a different point of view than you. Unless you have some FACTS to tell me WHY your view is better than mine, then you have no right to admonish my comments.


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Will_May_Be_Wise
Will_May_Be_Wise

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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 11, 2010 - 06:48 AM (#57689)
In Response to hammysantana (#57688):

Tact: "consideration in dealing with others and avoiding giving offense"

I don't think posting a reply littered with profanity, taking a confrontational tone, and labelling one (just one) of the participants in this little drama by a derogatory name comes under this definition. There are no facts in the description that suggests the unfaithful wife has ever taken money in return for sex.

Tact is essential for living in a any kind of society, and something everyobdy needs to employ as much as possible.

Unfortuantely the offence in this situation already there, as to quote Hammysantana, "This couple had sex with another man's wife WITHOUT his knowledge."

What they (and this needs to be decided first with the writer's wife, then with the nighbours wife) is how to deal with this to minimise the damage from ONE night of drunken betrayal.

To err is human. How they deal with those errors will determine whether (at one extreme) both couples live happily ever after, or at the other end things end up like a Shakespearean Tragedy, with everyone dying bar a minor character (possibly the postman) who gets to tell the story. Or it could be anywhere inbetween.

People are odd. The cuckholded husband may want to join in! We don't know. We know the writer obviously found the other woman attractive, but does the cuckholded husband find the writer's wife attractive? Turnabout is fair play, but he may not want to touch the writer's wife with a barge pole.

We also don't know what the writer's wife thinks about this. There's obviously some tension there, as the writer discribes *his* marriage possibly being at risk. Does she find the cuckholded husband incredibly attractive? Or is she the one looking around for a barge pole to fend him off?

We also don't know the community they live in, and what their place in it is. What could be comfortable in one culture (this includes keeping it secret as well as other options) could cause stress and damage in another culture. It will also go to some extent to predict whether the unfaithful wife will opt for the "they got me drunk and raped me!" defence. The cuckholded husband is most likely on the fringe of the community, as he travels, so may just leave if his marriage ends.

Before the writer decides, he needs to consider some things.
First - Any conversations with the other couple (either individually or together) should happen on neutral ground. Not your place, not theirs. Puts nobody at a disadvantage (plus if the guy does have a gun, makes it harder for him to get...). Preferably during the day (so none of you are fatigued), with no alcohol.

Second - why are they friends? There are degrees of friendship. Some friendships are deeper and closer than family, and will last until death parts you. The way their friendship is described suggests possibly the only reason they're friends is they live near each other. Such friendships tend to end as soon as the link is broken (i.e. when one of you moves). They tend not to last more than a few years. Accept this, and realise it's up to you to manage how the friendship will inevitably end.

Three - Are you comfortable with swinging? That's one way this could evolve. Are you happy with him with your wife? Unlikely, but turnabout *is* fairplay. Things to bare in mind with this option is that studies show there is less bad feeling if you all do it in sight of the others (no going off to separate rooms) and that these kind of relationships tend to fizzle out after a couple of months. It's how you all handle the slow down that will determine whether you're all still friends afterwards.

Forth - your relationship with your wife should take precedence. As previously stated, most friendships only last a couple of years anyway. You've promised her a lifetime. The fact that both of you ended up in bed with your neighbour suggests there's some things you may need to talk about.

Fifth - ask the cuckholded neighbour if anything has changed with *him*....

Read the rest of this comment...

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Murgatroyd
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Monday, December 13, 2010 - 01:02 AM (#57692)

Heh. Simple solution: Original Poster and spouse should invite the other husband over for dinner, get him drunk, and seduce him. Then the husband and wife of the other couple will be on an equal footing.

Hey, I didn't say it was a good solution, did I? But it ought to make life more interesting ...


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KillJoySpaceBoy
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Re: Threesome Conundrum (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, December 14, 2010 - 01:51 AM (#57699)
In Response to hammysantana (#57688):

@Hammy:

FACT:
People are irrational. Whether this is the husband or wife asking the question, there's a huge possibility someone may get hurt.

If the husband who was involved talks to the other husband, what if he lashes out and attacks him- possibly kills him?

And if the wife talks to him, what if he loses his temper and hits her? Or doesn't believe her and mentions it to his wife- his wife, then even more ashamed and angry at the woman for going behind her back, then files a lawsuit against the wife for slander (maybe trying to break them up so she can get with him?) in an attempt to cover up her own misdeeds?

Granted, these are scenarios. But they happen. All the time. And my source of information is the news, not Oprah or Dr. Phil.

The people involved need to realize what they did was horrible and learn from their mistakes, but they shouldn't be put in harm's way and they shouldn't talk to the husband alone.

Everyone agrees the husband needs to be told. You don't need to go looking for a fight with people who ultimately agree with you.


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Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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