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POLL RESULTS: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out: (9 comments)

POLL: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out

Friday, December 24, 2010 - 12:00 AM

This week... My husband and I (both in our mid-40s) have been married for 18 years and have been together for about 25. He has been a teacher pretty much the whole time we've known each other, and he currently teaches at an all-girls school. To help keep things exciting in the bedroom, my husband and I occasionally like to engage in role playing. A week or so ago, he wanted me to pretend to be a naughty schoolgirl. I told him I wasn't comfortable with this and we should stick to more "grown up" fantasies. Since then, we haven't engaged in any kind of role playing at all. I made some suggestions, but he turned them down. When I asked what was going on, he said maybe we should take a little break from these role-playing fantasies. I can't ever recall him suggesting any kind of role playing that could be interpreted as job-related until now. There's really nothing to suggest he's getting any kind of side action (no suspicious phone calls, grooming habits, working longer hours, etc) but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little concerned. I want to ask him if he's ever found a student attractive or if he's ever knowingly had a student who had a crush on him, but is there any way to do this without making it seem like I'm accusing him of something?
POLL: What should she do?
 
82% (1632) You need a refresher course. Your husband is working through his fantasies in a very healthy way.
 
0% (13) Put him on detention. He's up to no good. No role-playing until he straightens out.
 
16% (329) Pop quiz. Time to start asking some serious questions to see what curves he's grading on.
1974 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
darkgolem
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 02:09 AM (#57770)

Talk to him, clear the air as it were. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to be honest, and remember relationships need honesty as they grow so that they can develop. It may be that they develop apart, as it were, but better that than living uncomfortably for a long time.


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Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 02:41 AM (#57771)

As much as I want to say talk to him, this is a REALLY REALLY touchy subject. No matter what you do, you're going to sound like you're accusing him of horrible things. He's your husband and you should be able to trust and communicate with him. I know it's hard in situations like this. However, a LOT of guys have school girl fantasies whether they're teachers or not so I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe he just felt comfortable to bring it up to you and then shut down because he felt like he couldn't be open with you anymore since you reacted so differently to his request as though it were something abnormal when it's not. You shouldn't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but maybe if you do gain the courage to just get him to clarify for your peace of mind that it's not about anyone in specific, you might feel comfortable being his school girl. Or maybe age it up a bit and let him be a professor and you his a college student.


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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 05:23 AM (#57773)

It should be an easy question. "Tell me about this fantasy. What do you like about it?" Be honest and let him be honest.

Worst case, it's certainly better that he think about schoolgirls while banging you, than thinking about you while banging schoolgirls.

He also may tire of the novelty quickly. Virgin teenager is a common enough fantasy.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Posts: 58

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Nov 2009
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 07:53 AM (#57775)

"I want to ask him if he's ever found a student attractive"
Do you have a problem if he's taught or noticed attractive students? -- because they exist so if that's a problem don't ask.

"If he's ever knowingly had a student who had a crush on him"
Again, is that a problem, because it's possible.

Assume the answer is "Yes" to both your questions and ask yourself how you feel about that. You wrote you have no evidence of cheating so it sounds like you have an issue within yourself you may want to address. If you identify an issue that does NOT automatically imply you should dress up like a school girl to, "Just get over it," but does allow you a talking point without accusing.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Posts: 58

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Nov 2009
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 09:16 AM (#57778)
In Response to CaptainSmokeblower (#57775):

That was the nice version; this next is why Santa always brings me a lump of coal:

How long has your blind from birth, horribly disfigured, husband taught at Saint Gertie's school solely for grossly fat, ugly girls who were spayed before they reached puberty?

Or, assuming none of that question applies, why are you so naive enough about your husband's "work environment" to not realize:
1. All the school girls are younger than you.
2. Some portion are better looking than you.
2a. And their bodies are perkier too!
3. A majority haven't figured out their hormones.
4. A portion are experimenting with sex.
5. One or two might be willing to use sex to get what they want -- such as a passing grade.
6. Your husband wants to do with YOU what he can't/shouldn't/wouldn't/better not do with them.

Suck on a lollipop as you parade around in the school girl outfit. You may not understand the symbology, but he will appreciate it.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 10:06 AM (#57779)

First, the fact that your husband has never before asked for the schoolgirl roleplay may signify that he too was uncomfortable with the idea as well. That doesn't mean he didn't *want* it, simply that he may have felt he wasn't ready for it, considering how close to home it hits. The fact he probably already knew you might feel the same way likely also had something to do with it. In that case, his clamming up on you indicates he feels his trust is betrayed, and if so, Amanda's suggestion to "age it up a bit" is a good one to break the ice and show you're willing to meet halfway.

Still, CaptainSmokeBlower isn't just blowing smoke here. I might add that as a teacher at an all-girls school, it almost certainly will be matter of when, not if, a possibly attractive schoolgirl will develop a crush on him. If that's something neither of you have ever discussed, perhaps you should. Worse, he may even be attracted to her himself. And due to his somewhat considerable reaction to your negativity, my own gut is telling me this one is more likely; he may be feeling hurt from a perceived lack of trust, but his continuing refusal to indulge in what used to be normal for you both makes me think he's feeling guilty as well.

And yet, again I should point out that even if true, it doesn't mean he's done anything wrong (and because he hasn't done anything wrong, he may be feeling hurt or a little angry - has he been snappish or surly lately?). In fact, if a schoolgirl crush situation *is* true, he may be asking to indulge in those fantasies with you precisely as a way of dealing with his erstwhile attraction in as healthy a manner as he is able to come up with. I say this because quite frankly, it's the sort of knee-jerk thing I'd think of doing myself. Men are physical creatures, we can't help what we are attracted to, but we *can* decide to find ways to redirect that attraction. "Look but don't touch" is a favorite saying of an uncle of mine.

Still, the unsaid corollary is, "don't touch and don't fantasize", since thinking about a thing is the first step down the path of doing. So in this case it may be a good idea not to indulge in any schoolgirl fantasies which would be too much like work, either age or dress-wise. In which case, Amanda's suggestion to age it up is even better, since this lets him safely work through any work issues in a loving way with you, without allowing for too much imaginative cross-over.

Of course, as so many others mention on this forum, the first and best thing to do is *talk* to him, while being very careful not to accuse; let him know *you* want to be the focus of all of his fantasies. Rebuild your trust in each other, and perhaps help him alleviate some feelings of guilt as well - and that won't happen without communication.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 24, 2010 - 10:20 AM (#57780)
In Response to CaptainSmokeblower (#57778):

Heh. Captain Smokeblower's "lump of coal" post comes right to the point. #6 says it all, and if you two haven't admitted that and talked about it with each other yet, do so. Soon.

How you both choose to deal with it is your business, but ignoring it shouldn't be an option.


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Paulius
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Posts: 13

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Monday, December 27, 2010 - 06:25 AM (#57792)

You want to know if your husband has ever found a student attractive?

In a word: Yes...but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I'm a happily married man and have been for ten years...but just because there's a ring on my finger doesn't mean I've suddenly become incapable of finding other women attractive...and just because I may find another female attractive doesn't mean I'm going to cheat on my wife.

It's completely normal and natural. I love my wife and would never cheat on her or do anything to jeopardize our relationship...but that doesn't mean I don't sit up and take notice when a Victoria's Secret commercial comes on TV or notice an attractive woman at the supermarket. It's only becomes a problem if you act on it.

As for the schoolgirl thing, it's probably a lot more innocent than you realize. Lots of guys have a thing for 'school uniforms' or the 'naughty schoolgirl' persona ...and for the vast majority of us, it's got nothing to do with actual schoolgirls.

Basically, for most men, the first girl they ever noticed during those first adolescent 'stirrings' was wearing a school uniform.

It's why a lot of guys also have a thing for Cheerleaders or the 'Hot Librarian'. We experienced our 'sexual awakening' during a school days, so it's not surprising we'll find related things sexual.

My advice? Suggest he play the schoolboy and you be the teacher who 'put him in detention'. You'll probably find he'll like that idea just as much.

The important thing to take away is he wants to act out a fantasy with YOU.


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Archwright
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Posts: 19

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Oct 2010
Re: Husband's class act makes her want to drop out (Score: 0)
posted Monday, December 27, 2010 - 10:20 AM (#57795)

Have either of you ever turned down a role-playing session before? If you have, follow the established procedure.

If you have not, here's something that I've learned from personal experience. Nobody likes having their fantasy shot down. The "What!? bomb" is a sure fire way to ruin somebody's arousal. Further demeaning his desire only made the situation worse.

Apologize, or, better yet, surprise him with one day with a naughty school-girl outfit.


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