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POLL RESULTS: Company man: (2 comments)

POLL: Company man

Wednesday, December 29, 2010 - 12:01 AM

This week... Q.: I've been hanging out with one of my coworkers a lot, lately. The other night, she texted me while she was at the store to tell me she was having a personal crisis/breakdown, so I went over and kept her company until she had closed up. Afterward, she invited me over to her house for the night. We watched a movie on her bed. There was no physical contact. After the movie, I asked where I'd be sleeping and was told that I could stay in the bed with her.

I warned her that I snore. She said she was a sound sleeper. We slept. The next day, we hung out for a while, then went to see a movie, stopped by work to check the schedule, and I went home.

Now, what this says to me is that I'm just a close, platonic friend (especially since company policy says we can't date, and she recently got out of a long-term relationship-turned-engagement), but a number of my friends who know of the situation are telling me that "she's waiting for [me] to make a move."

I'm happy being employed, even if it's retail, and so's she. I won't deny that she's attractive to me, and that I, at times, wish there was more, and she has said ambiguous things to me in the past (tried my hand at online dating. When she found out, she told me that I could find a girl in real life and that I'm charming). She also has a "pet name" for me. Regardless, the company's pretty strict on employee fraternization and I'm afraid to risk a good friendship on what feels to me to be a very slim chance of there being something more there.
POLL: What should he do?
25% (174) Ask her out. If she says yes, start looking for another job.
35% (241) Ask her out. If she says yes, date IN SECRET.
9% (62) Don't ask her out. Jobs are hard to come by, and it isn't worth the risk.
20% (139) Have a friend ask her how she feels about you. If she's interested, then you have to decide if she's worth risking your job over.
10% (70) Just wait it out. Maybe she'll come on to you.
686 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 76

Jun 2009
Re: POLL: Company man (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, December 29, 2010 - 05:07 PM (#57804)

I went with don't ask her out, but not because of the Job. She is looking for you to make the move. She is going to "fall" for you in her moment of weakness, and then when she is done with you it will be your fault she dumps you for making a move on her. This is the nature of being the rebound guy after a break-up. Since you work with her at a place with a no fraternization policy, this quickly starts becoming a no win scenario unless all you're looking for is to be her emotional sponge which she is going to use to dump her negative feelings into. She will try to make you pay for each of the ex's wrongs. Once that situation sours, you'll be made into the next bad guy in her ongoing personal drama series. Is the sex worth that much to you, because my answer is it wouldn't be worth it to me.

If you do like her, keep your distance for now. Suggest she date someone else, and let them be the fall guy for her inevitable rebound. Once she has her head on straight (if it happens) then you can consider the possibility of dating her at some point in the future with much less baggage in tow. Who knows maybe another prospect with less baggage will show up as well.

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Posts: 36

Mar 2010
Re: POLL: Company man (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, December 30, 2010 - 10:11 AM (#57807)

I voted for dating in secret. Regardless of policy, it's none of the company's business what you do with your personal life if it doesn't affect your professional life, and that's a legal opinion, not just a personal one.

The trick is making sure it doesn't affect your professional life, however, and here zmortis has it right - you're Mr. Rebound. That doesn't mean things can't work out in the end, but there's a significantly better than normal chance of failure here. The sex will likely be quite good, but at the same time you'll be along for an emotional roller-coaster ride as she works out her issues. You'll have to be far more understanding and patient than the average guy, all while making sure you don't merely become a substitute for what she lost.

All of which means nothing in the end, since I've seen as many rebound relationships work as not. Those that worked did so because they took the time to just be friends for awhile and make sure the emotional healing had begun before taking things further; unfortunately you're already on thin ground there. You can't take things further and expect them to work until she's begun healing, and you won't know that unless you take the time to merely be a friend for now, without any expectations, and build some mutual trust and respect between you both. If she offers more (and she already has), turn it down while letting her know you care and you are interested, but don't want to just become a substitute - give it 3 months before going beyond friend stage. If she can't wait that long, she's not worth having. And if you can't wait that long, she'll likely decide *you* aren't worth having long term (short term you may still have a lot of fun sexually).

As for the job, well. That's a risk only you can decide on, and is another reason to take it easy and merely be her best friend for now. If you've both waited it out, decided to take things further anyway after that, AND things seem to be working out after THAT, then is the time to consider looking for another job.

That, of course, assumes you can both be adult about it, keep things discreet if things work out and keep things civil if they don't. Otherwise, one or both of you may be looking for another job in short order.

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