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POLL RESULTS: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his mind: (7 comments)

POLL: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his mind

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 12:00 AM

This week... Q.: I have a female friend with whom I've been intimate before. The thing is, I was always attracted to her mentally and emotionally, but not as much physically. I've been unable to get her out of my mind, and wonder if she might be someone I could share my life with, but I'm worried that a shortage of physical attraction might lead to a disastrous sex-life or worse. Is is possible to learn to be physically attracted to someone, or to simply move past such skin-deep hangups?
POLL: Is it possible to have a long-term relationship to someone without the physical attraction?
61% (507) Don't kid yourself. The physical part fades. All you really *have* is the mental/emotional connection.
15% (128) You need that raw sexual attraction. Keep looking.
22% (183) You don't *have* to keep the lights on, y'know...
818 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 7

May 2010
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 01:28 AM (#57917)

Honestly, if there's no physical attraction, that's an issue. While I'm a strong believer that the mental/emotional connection is what allows you to maintain a truly longterm relationship, without that physical component, you're going to stray.

So I guess the question is, is there really no attraction involved here, or is she just not your top choice?

(FWIW, a friend of mine recently gave me a long diatribe about how even settling for second best in that area will lead to infidelity, but I think she was talking from personal experience which may or may not be applicable here)

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Posts: 19

Oct 2010
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 11:57 AM (#57918)

Just date her.

You don't need to commit your life to her on the 1st date, or even the 50th. Any such thinking will undermine your and her happiness, or worse degraded your friendship should you break up.

Additionally, you don't need to have sex with her right away. Take it slow. You have mutual friends, I'm sure, so TAKE IT SLOW.

After you get to know her better, learn what she likes, what you like, then you can get physical. If everything is still working, and you get pretty comfortable with each other physically, then you can discuss kinks. You two may have kink compatibility. Kink compatibility is way better than beer.

Use a condom. Yes, even if she says she's on the pill. You seem like a romantic and noble guy. I'm very much the same way. Trust me, you don't want to deal with the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy. The pill is rendered ineffective by so many little things (too many to list here).

In closing. Take it slow. Be emotionally mature enough to accept relationship roadblocks or failure. Use a rubber.

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Posts: 58

Nov 2009
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 02:10 PM (#57919)

How important is sex to you?
How important is sex to your friend?
If both answers are, "Not very," AND you both are being honest and truly know yourselves then you have a reasonable chance at a loving relationship, probably not much below the national average of 50/50.
IF, on the other hand, either of you ever want, "We were going to replace that (piece of furniture) anyway, and we both needed new (articles of clothing)', sex then don't.

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Posts: 55

Oct 2009
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 12:27 PM (#57940)

I was in this situation 10 months ago. The difference was I was completely not-attracted and broke the relationship off after the third date.

You--You've gone to bed with this girl. At one point in your life you were looking at someone you were at least curious to see with her bra off.

If you can't get her out of your head, that's a sign, I think. Maybe you're hesitating for some other reason. Perhaps she's plainer than you adolescent fantasies saw you hooking up with?

No shame in that, BTW. Reality has a way of bulldozing fantasy but we don't always let go when we should (or protect what we should from the bulldozer).

You are still becoming fully conscious of how you feel towards this girl. As people before me said, take it slow.

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Posts: 3

Jan 2011
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 03:19 PM (#57942)

I created this account just to reply to this thread, as I know this situation far too well. My wife is beautiful, but not in the ways that instinctively turn me on. She's far from obese, but she's more round than not, while my sexual preference leans towards tight butt and legs. The thing is, after seeing her for a while and always appreciating her beauty in those non-physical ways, I grew to appreciate her physical beauty more and more. Before we met, I never considered breasts that much of a turn-on... after years together, that's changed quite a bit.

So to answer that part of the question, if you're not physically attracted at all, I doubt anything can change that, but then you probably wouldn't have been intimate before (unless you were wasted). However, if you already find her attractive, yes, it is absolutely possible to learn to become more attracted to her stronger features and less concerned with her other traits.

If she is truly beautiful to you and you have romantic feelings for her, then her beauty will shine through even without the particular features you tend to physically desire. Ultimately, it's difficult enough to find someone with similar taste in entertainment, an intelligence that challenges you, emotional compatibility *and* that you can live with as roommates... and if she turns you on enough that sex is still fun, just accept that she's not the greatest dress size and appreciate the beauty she has.

Incidentally, I'd have to say that being good roommates is probably the single most important factor for a good marriage. If you can't live together well, no amount of romance or passion will solve the problem of whose turn it is to clean the bathroom.

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Posts: 36

Mar 2010
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 17, 2011 - 05:00 PM (#57956)

Got to agree with UrbanPagan here, emphatically *yes* it is possible to learn to be physically attracted to someone, if that someone ends up being the person you truly love.

Just being in love with that person - and knowing they love you - completely changes your whole perspective of that person. You simply end up overlooking what you might consider unattractive, and focusing on what you do find attractive. Once you've had time to become more familiar with her intimately, even the "unattractive" parts become simply parts, neither attractive nor unattractive (such as being overweight), while parts you might not have been as attracted to (a small bust if you're a chest man) become much more attractive all on their own - because they are all part of her, the woman you love with all your heart. I was frankly amazed (if pleasantly so) the first time this happened to me, and it's never failed to happen each time I fell in love.

But we're jumping waaay ahead here. Like everyone before said, take it slow, go on a number of dates, perhaps try to keep sex out of the equation for awhile if that's a distraction, in order for you *both* to determine if each is the right one for the other (hence why I fell in love several times, it doesn't always work both ways). If that's the case, everything else will fall in line naturally.

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Posts: 4

May 2009
Re: Hard to get his mental attraction out of his m (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 17, 2011 - 10:15 PM (#57960)

I'm going to disagree with the other commenters here. Move on. Don't obsess over this girl. Go on 10 first dates with 10 new women, get to know some new people. If after that you still have a thing for this girl, go back and date her, but make sure you aren't just hanging around for convenience and hurting her with your indecisiveness.

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