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POLL RESULTS: More than just friends-with-benefits?: (10 comments)

POLL: More than just friends-with-benefits?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 - 12:00 AM

This week... Q.: So I am a college student, and I somewhat involved with girl I met after arriving. She insists we are just friends, despite the fact that we "hook up" or sleep together every other night. What I find confusing is that she makes a point of telling me we aren't "together" every time, and encourages me to go after other girls who find me attractive. Despite this, she still does girlfriend type things, cuddles in bed, asks me to walk her places, etc. I enjoy these things, but they make me confused. Do I take her at her word, "she doesn't see us dating seriously", or her girlfriend in waiting actions?
POLL: What should he do?
 
41% (432) You've got the best of both worlds -- a steady f-buddy to rely on while you're waiting for a serious relationship.
 
34% (360) She's playing games with you. Get out now.
 
24% (252) She has commitment issues, but if you hang in there, she'll be ready eventually.
1044 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
wolfiet
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 19, 2011 - 12:23 AM (#57973)

My advice is to get out now, if you have any real feelngs for this girl, or any desire for a real relationship. You're going to get hurt.

I dated a girl just like that once. We even went on a trip together with a bunch of friends. In the end I decided not to get in the middle of a huge triangle with her and another friend. A year later she was dating him and sleeping with her ex. I don't regret my decision in the slightest.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 19, 2011 - 04:41 PM (#57976)

voted for "enjoy" because - lets face it, you just startet college and there will probably be a lot of girls til youre done.

I`d have the reasonable suspicion she has somebody else on the side. Maybe her highscool sweetheart back home, or just some other guy.
If you ever find out, she does not have to feel guilty because of it.
She told you it`s just what it is - two firstyears boinking and having fun together.

Or maybe she plans on experimenting a bit herself, and does not want to be tied down in this experimental stage of life. Early college is not for marriage-plans, its for finding out which kind of person you would like to marry.

Either way - she has made it clear that at this time there is no moral obligation to be faithful, for neither of you.

If you can deal with that: Enjoy!
If not: Get out, but do it nicely so this rare gem of a young woman does not get hurt.
After all she has just been honest.

Bye the way: "girlfriendy stuff".... I belive most women, most humans on this planet for that, like cuddling. I´m male and miss it fiercly, when I am alone.
And wanting to be walked places might just feel good, because you do something for her, everybody can dig caring by another.
Open your perspective - thats another thing early college is good for.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 21, 2011 - 05:12 AM (#57991)

You've found a woman who wants lots of sex, isn't insane or possessive, and likes you for who you are.

Whyever would you complain about that?

Go with what she likes, suggest stuff you like, and enjoy.

Friends of mine were like that in college. Fifteen years later, they looked back, realized they were right for each other, and are now married.

If not, you had lots of awesome sex.

The downside? There isn't a downside.


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elstreak
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 21, 2011 - 07:53 AM (#57997)
In Response to BlueD (#57976):

I agree, but with a caveat: you can screw this up if you try to turn it into something she's not ready for. Don't try to make her be your girlfriend. Also, don't get too emotionally attached... it's totally possible that she's going to find "the one" one day, and it won't be you. If that's something that would devastate you or make you jealous, you should break off the sexual part of this friendship for both your sakes. Also, don't fall into the role of "Plan B" where she doesn't want to be with you, but she doesn't want you to be with anyone else in case she needs you... it sounds like this isn't her intent, but you can't know for sure until you date someone else (she may not know she wants that until she sees you get serious about someone else). If you can be a good friend, be a good lover, accept this for what it is, and treat yourself as well as you treat her, this will be a great thing.


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artemis3
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 21, 2011 - 09:09 AM (#58003)

I say get out. not because there is anything wrong with the relationship, but because the tone of your question leads me to believe you will have trouble keeping this straight.


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 21, 2011 - 10:19 AM (#58007)

Got to agree with Artemis here, get out. At least get out of the sex.

She's being honest enough with you on the surface, but is not sharing much of her inner self, her reasons why, and therefore this isn't anything more than a good friendship for her, though it's obvious she values that friendship for her own reasons. Thing is, you've already fallen into thinking of her as more than just a friend, while she's trying very hard on the surface to ONLY be friends, despite the personal intimacy already between you both. So at the very least she has serious commitment issues, and at the worst you aren't her only boychick. Regardless, it's plain she doesn't yet know what she wants from a relationship.

So you got four choices. Leave, break off the sex and just be friends, keep the sex and just be friends, or hope she'll commit. Since it sounds like you're a commitment kinda guy, leaving is the smartest thing to do. It doesn't appear possible for you to keep the sex and just be friends (otherwise you wouldn't be here), and very likely you'll just be frustrated if you break off the sex and try to only be friends. You can continue as is and keep hoping she'll commit, but the chances of that appear slim and just sets you up for heartbreak. Go find someone more emotionally mature.


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Mental_Mouse
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 21, 2011 - 10:23 AM (#58008)

Get out. Not because of her, but because of you. From your letter, it sounds like you want a monogamous relationship, someone you can commit to emotionally. "Dipping your wick", or even cuddling, isn't enough for you, and that's not going to change anytime soon.

Two more points: First if you're having sex "every other night", that sounds like she's soaking up the time and sexual energy that you could be using to look for more appropriate partners. There's something to be said for "not being needy", but the flip side of that is "not being interested (enough)".

The other issue is that the sort of girl you're looking for is one who, like you, feels that sex implies commitment, or at least ought to... and such a girl will be seriously put out by your having "someone on the side"!

On both counts, I suggest you back off from this girl, then start dating other girls.


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jpt2342
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
May 2009
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 22, 2011 - 10:57 PM (#58041)

I was in this exact situation when I was in college. I was with a girl that swore she didn't want to date me she only wanted me for sex. After several months of this I met a girl and we started dating. When I broke it off with my F*(# buddy she got really upset. She stalked me, went to all of my friends telling them that she loved me and would show up at my place in the middle of the night while my new girlfriend was there. While your situation is great right now just realize that it can go bad real quick.


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KillJoySpaceBoy
KillJoySpaceBoy

Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 23, 2011 - 01:44 AM (#58046)

Girls do stuff like this all the time. She probably doesn't want to seem too clingy so she over-compensates, but is actually really in to you.


--
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
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lwj2
Lover

Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: More than just friends-with-benefits? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, January 26, 2011 - 08:54 AM (#58115)

Take her at her word. What you have is FWB. Enjoy the "benefits" she grants you and keep your eyes open, she certainly is doing so.


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