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POLL RESULTS: Kiss & Tell: (9 comments)

POLL: Kiss & Tell

Friday, January 07, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I’ve been dating a great guy for six months and he’s very attentive and respectful in bed. But he can’t keep his mouth shut about our bedroom activities. He’s mentioned it in social situations, with my family, with his family and, I have no doubt, with the guys at work. He’s not crude or anything, but he’ll talk about what a nice lovemaking session we had or things we like to do. It embarrasses me! I’ve told him this, but he just laughs it off and says I should be more uninhibited. I’m afraid this will affect our bedroom fun, as I am getting more resentful. What can I do?
POLL: What can a woman do when her boyfriend blabs indiscriminately about their sex life?
 
66% (1130) Have a polite, but firm chat. If he can't respect that, move on.
 
8% (145) Start talking about HIS intimate details... along with accurate measurements.
 
2% (36) The boyfriend is right. She's too touchy.
 
11% (195) Have a friend mention how uncomfortable it makes THEM to hear the details of this guy's sex life.
 
11% (190) Do stuff in bed that he would never, ever admit to in public.
1696 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 07, 2011 - 09:33 AM (#57884)

Back up the firm chat with some actions--tell him he can regale his friends with his exploits masturbating to pr0n for a week, and then he can reconsider what he wants to relay in public.

By all means have a friend note that it's not a comfortable public subject, but be prepared for him to simply find other people to tell.

Second lesson would be to discuss measurements, or something else he wouldn't be comfortable with himself.

If it turns out that he really just doesn't get it, and is quite okay with that, but you're not, then dump him, and make sure he understands exactly why you are dumping him.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 07, 2011 - 11:40 AM (#57886)

Don't give him anything to talk about.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 07, 2011 - 01:38 PM (#57888)

Wow. One of Brad's choices actually matches what I'd say.

This is a boundary issue and he's not respecting boundaries. This is a big indicator for the future and not a good one.

Playing the odds, he's likely a self-centered jerk playing nice because it gets him what he wants and his inner life would be too dreary to bear if he weren't bragging about his sexual potency.

If he won't accommodate a reasonable request from Our Girl. it's go time.


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DarkDream
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 07, 2011 - 05:53 PM (#57894)

Actually, I am in a similar situation with my relationship, though I am the talker. The thing about it is, you need to find out why he talks - is it to brag, or because doing so gives him insight?

This may be something you should come to a solid middle ground on - say, he can talk to his buddies, but leave his and your family out of it.

If that is still unacceptable to you, and he refuses to stop talking to others about your sex life, it may be time to move on from him, though I'd also advise doing some thinking about why you find it so distasteful.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 07, 2011 - 06:09 PM (#57895)

Wow! I'm in line with the majority for a change. Tell him you'd like to keep your sex life private, and if he can respect you enough to do so, then you will find someone who can.

p.s. If I were not married already I would likely make the offer. hehe.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 08, 2011 - 01:38 AM (#57896)

Back in the bad old days of the 1970's, what is now the crime of sexual harassment was merely jackassery as usual. My mom had a cow-orker who was a prime example of such. Lewd comments toward and about all the women in the office, bragging about his supposed conquests, that sort of thing. One day she'd finally had enough, and as he started to lay it on her again, she turned to him and, in front of the whole office, said, "He who talks, don't get."

The jerk shut up real fast, and never bothered her again.

It sounds like this guy doesn't need this level of smackdown, but he does need a firm lesson that this kind of talking-out-of-school is making her uncomfortable being with him.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 08, 2011 - 08:11 AM (#57899)

Well, for one thing: I am male, and I like to talk about my sexual experiences.
I dont do so regularly, or indiscriminately, but there are one or two fast friendships of mine, that have the primary function of sex talk.
With those friends there is the trust and companionship to exchange intimate facts about my sex life.
But those guys I trust to keep their mouths shut, when they meet my mate - and they me.

So I do believe to talk about such an important and personal thing is a need, one I am sure the OP knows herself.

To relate such topics to the family of my mate, my whole office or some newly-met guy in the Cafè seems definitely out of bounds - for my socio-moral perception. But then, I could be more uninhibited, and I know it.

But to continue doing it
- despite my mates protests
- kind of into her face
- and laughing off her renewed protestst.....

well, there ist the problem.

If you realy, curtly and definitely made it clear that you do not want him to do that (Women can be quite allusive to male ears - on any given topic), and he ignores your wishes, not even trying to hide that fact: Then there is a heavy lack of respect going on.

That is a point where you have to have a really, truly, abrasive, pissed-off talk with him.
make him understand that he makes you heavily uncomfortable.

If that wont work - well you either have to get used to it or dump him. Many things about a person cant be changed, as much as we would like it.
But If he likes to talk about his lovemaking, for bragging, for thrill, for comparison or whatever, he can at least be expected to be discreet about it.

No family, no doing so in your presence, making his listener understand that this is private...

If he wont do that to you you have a clue as to how much he values your feelings.
Act on that however you want.

Greetings
BlueD


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spzeidler
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 09, 2011 - 10:07 AM (#57905)
In Response to DarkDream (#57894):

One thing that ought to be considered is -why- the sex talk to third parties makes the woman who posed the question uncomfortable. I can't speak for her, but two ideas for starters:

- can you guarantee that no-one who hears about your activities with her will get the idea to do the same with her without bothering much about what she wants? ie you could be giving a rapist ideas to 'try out' your friend.

- can you guarantee that your talking will not lead to her boss(es) thinking more about her qualities in bed than on her job, thus preventing her from getting advancement or raises as she would deserve?


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DarkDream
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Kiss & Tell (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 09, 2011 - 08:58 PM (#57907)
In Response to spzeidler (#57905):

While the second one is viable if her bosses are of that type, not to mention the possibility of them refusing to promote her based off moral issues, the first is unlikely at best.

If someone rapes her after he yaps, more likely then not the idea had been in their mind prior to the conversation to start with. Sex talk doesn't typically turn people into rapists, after all.

However, taking the 'what if' that is all not only possible but likely, that's why I'd say to, if he really has a need to talk, limit who he does talk to - only close friends (preferably someone both of them are comfortable with), but certain individuals are off limits to minimize any potential problems, such as work issues, awkward situations...the wrong individuals hearing about their exploits, in other words.


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Discussion: POLL: Kiss & Tell | Login/Create an Account | 9 comments
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