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POLL RESULTS: A real hang-up: (7 comments)

POLL: A real hang-up

Friday, January 14, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I’m a happily married man, but I’ve been having phone sex with a woman I met on line. I know my wife would disapprove, but I think it actually helps my relationship with my wife. I have no plans to ever meet this other woman, so it’s not like I’m having an affair, right? I want to be sure there’s nothing harmful that can come from this.
POLL: Should this man continue to have phone sex behind his wife's back?
 
8% (153) I'm a man and I say, sure! It's harmless!
 
77% (1410) I'm a man and I say, no! He's having an affair!
 
1% (33) I'm a woman and I say! It's harmless!
 
11% (216) I'm a woman and I say no! He's having an affair!
1812 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 01:39 AM (#57930)
"I think it actually helps my relationship with my wife" may appears likely more self-delusion than objective truth. It may not be AS you're having an affair, but there can be only minimal disputation that it is LIKE you are having an affair. Whether that is sufficient (or, utterly peripherally, necessary) to constitute "harm" depends on an is-ought bridge choice; but, colloquially, yeah, it does.

I'm not predisposed to declare that inherently a "bad" or "harmful" thing, but unless you're prepared to defend the idea to the final is-ought bridge of "YOU SHALL NOT PASS", you need to stop deluding yourself.

Contrariwise, the potential for (or prospect of) harm is not always the same thing as harm. Nowhow, the smart money doesn't routinely ride on the prospect of non-harm being safe.
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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 03:17 AM (#57931)
In Response to abb3w (#57930):

No he is not having an affair.
Yes he is doing something harmful to the marriage. He is keeping secrets from his wife, and likely using family resources for things she would not approve of.


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neosmagus
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 05:01 AM (#57933)

Different people believe in different thresholds when it comes to sex. Does watching count? Does using hands or mouths count? I think none of it really matters in this case.

There's an easy rule to follow - if you have to hide it from your partner, then you're doing something wrong. If it was really ok, you would be able to tell her and she'd accept it.


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ElBueno
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 06:24 AM (#57934)

I believe you when you say it actually helps your relationship. Few things cause more marital despair than the rules of fidelity our society invented in the last few hundred years. Lots of couples find that by opening the door to sex with other people (and you are having sex) just a LITTLE bit, their sex life with each other is greatly improved.

That said, you're doing something with another woman that you're not telling your wife about. That makes it cheating. Your wife has a right to know about it.

Don't just drop it right on her, though. Have some tact. Read Sex at Dawn and start mentioning the things it talks about in passing. Gauge your wife's reaction. Maybe she has an interest in pursuing something outside the marriage, too. Figure out how to break the news to her gently.

If you aren't responsible enough to come clean, though, you're being a dick, and the phone sex needs to stop.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 07:30 AM (#57935)

YOU have no plan, but you aren't the only person involved in your affair. Your statement is more your excuses and hopes:
You hope your wife doesn't find out.
You hope the phone sex person doesn't reveal your affair, or blackmail you.
You hope this forum will excuse you. See how your wife responds when you tell her, "I asked online and they said I wasn't unfaithful."


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Azerik
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 14, 2011 - 12:48 PM (#57941)

I will admit to having a bit of an old fashioned streak when it comes to this sort of thing, but you *are* having an affair. This does count as sex outside the marriage, possibly causing vastly more harm than if you just banged a hooker. The hooker would be "just sex" this is seeking emotional fulfillment outside your marriage.

If it is a question of differing sex drives, then get some porn and take care of yourself (which would accomplish the same thing from a physical standpoint). That removes the emotional betrayal component of the situation. If you find yourself wanting/needing to get laid more than your wife is willing to accommodate then work on improving that situation rather than seeking fulfillment elsewhere. It is completely possible to vastly improve your marital sex life without doing anything that could endanger the relationship.

If you are needing the emotional spark more than just the physical release, then it is long past time to check out couples counseling. If there are no kids involved then you probably ought to just call it quits because you are already halfway out the door. One way or another you need to discuss this with her, if you put a ring on her finger you *owe* her that much at the very least.

Marriage is a commitment, not a toy you are supposed to get bored with. Put in the work or set her free to find someone else.

(for the record, I am a guy, not an angry woman, I just take marriage a *lot* more seriously than most people these days seem to)


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: A real hang-up (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 16, 2011 - 02:23 PM (#57952)
In Response to DavidArgall (#57931):

I didn't say "is"; I emphasized "is LIKE".
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