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POLL RESULTS: Torn Between Two Guys: (20 comments)

POLL: Torn Between Two Guys

Friday, January 28, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I’m 41 and dating two men. I have a great time with both. The one I have been dating almost five years still lives with his parents. His mom still cooks and washes for him. He works two jobs and drinks a lot. He is the party-er. He loves me but doesn’t want to marry me. He has also kept things from me, like the fact that he was married before. But I love him despite that. The second man is a friend from childhood who I got reacquainted with about a year ago. He is sweet, generous, a great father, cooks for me, takes me to baseball games and is always patient. He tells me I’m beautiful and treats me great. But I’m not in love with him. I’m so confused about what to do. Please help!
POLL: Which guy should she choose?
 
0% (13) The wild man. Go with the chemistry!
 
2% (60) The nice guy. He treats you right.
 
24% (578) ANYBODY but the nice guy. He deserves someone who will appreciate him!
 
72% (1718) Nobody. The fact that you can't choose between a guy who treats you like crap and a man who treats you like a princess is proof that you shouldn't be in a relationship.
2369 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
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Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 12:25 AM (#58139)

I know how you feel, but that doesn't make you any less of an idiot. You're 41 years old... stop playing these guys and realize that the lame ass partier is a worthless piece of crap who is just a drain on your life. You don't know what love is until you commit yourself to a man who can treat you with respect and CREATE chemistry. Of course, if you're too immature to realize that at 41 (I'm 21) then you really should choose the man of your maturity level and leave the good man to the more intelligent women.


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admirall
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Posts: 4

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Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 05:11 AM (#58142)

I think we all know what will happen...

Seen it numerous times. Women go for the assholes, all the time!


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Sith_Draken
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Posts: 2

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Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 05:30 AM (#58143)
In Response to admirall (#58142):

The maturity level she's showing in this question, do you think that's a bad thing? Honestly, I think she needs to drop both of them, and look at what she's looking for in a long-term relationship more carefully.


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admirall
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Posts: 4

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Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 06:02 AM (#58146)
In Response to Sith_Draken (#58143):

Does this question really show maturity? I don't think so. I would even think her decision is already set, but maybe I'm wrong with this and she's not "that kind of girl" and I have simply seen situations like this too often. I would really like being wrong here.


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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

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Apr 2008
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 06:16 AM (#58147)

"I know he's an asshole but I love him."

There's a term for women like you, but I'm pretty sure it's not acceptable on this forum.

Seriously. Grow up.


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RadarNocturn
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Posts: 2

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Nov 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 06:20 AM (#58148)

First off, I don't think this woman actually knows what love is and just is more attracted to the party boy because he is the bad boy type. He obviously doesn't trust her to the point he's willing to try to keep the fact he was previously married a secret from her.

Because he just wants to go out drinking, partying and keeps thinks from her means she shouldn't stay with him right off the bat. The fact he may "love" her (if he loves her so much after dating for 5 years, why hasn't he popped the question?) and she says she loves him back despite all these flaws means she may not even know what real love is in the first place.

The second guy's a winner, but this girl's obviously just using and abusing him. She's getting used by one guy, and using this poor sap in exchange. Despite the fact he's such a great guy, she loves the real loser. This only makes me wonder, does a guy have to be a total loser or schmuck for this woman to fall in love with him?

Lady, dump both guys. First one because he's a waste of space, and the second one so he can find someone who's actually WORTH his time. Find out what kind of love and happiness you actually want out of life, because you obviously don't have your head screwed on straight. It's just clear that you're only enamored with the party boy for all the wrong reasons. And besides, why are you wasting the second guy's time if you don't have any real feelings for him?


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smparadox
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Posts: 11

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Mar 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 01:28 PM (#58161)
There is another option, one with a long and honorable- well, with a long history, anyway. Marry the nice guy and carry on with the asshole on the side. This kind of arrangement (known as "cheating" or "cuckolding") predates humanity, having been observed in birds. And if the nice guy really is a nice guy, then being cheated on might beat being alone the rest of his life, with every woman he meets treating him like a brother. At least, telling yourself that might help rationalize away the guilt.
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delzoup
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Jan 2010
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 04:19 PM (#58168)

You know in your head that Guy B is better for you to Guy A. Maybe you can figure it out by seeing what emotional needs they are meeting (or not). Do you have more fun with Guy A? Is he just more familiar to you? More attractive? Make you feel young? What is lacking is Guy B?

Or maybe you're confused because you do not want to act. In retrospect, I find that when I have to do something I really do not want to do, I will feel "confused" and put off my final answer. Maybe in the end you do not want to commit to an exclusive relationship.

It's hard to be certain of your feelings in this letter, but one thing is certain--Guy A is not going to spontaneously grow up and act like Guy B. He's got everything he wants while acting like a jerk: he has no motivation to change. If for he does get serious and moves in with you,
you'll end up being his new mommy.

I'm sure with some soul searching you'll be just fine. Good luck with your love life.


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 28, 2011 - 04:57 PM (#58169)

I have to agree with the general consensus on this one. You are what is known in the coloquial tongue as a "Stupid Girl". Anyone with any amount of good sense automatically knows the right answer to this situation, but in this case the answer becomes "if you have to ask, then neither one is right for you."

The one is an asshole who will never treat you right, and the other is just frankly speaking too good for you, and who really doesn't deserve the inevitable agony you will put into his life.

My honest advice is to drop out of anything more than a very non-commital "just friends" relationship with either of these guys until you figure out how and if you will ever get your head screwed on straight. Right now you just are not prepared for commitment, and will only royally screw up any attempt to deal with one.

When you are finally tired of acting like a dim witted sixteen year old, then you may finally be ready to handle a serious relationship.

I hope this helps.


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Sith_Draken
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Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 04:13 AM (#58173)
In Response to admirall (#58146):

You misunderstood. I was saying that the question doesn't show maturity, let alone the amount needed for a real relationship.


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ladyisabella
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Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 01:15 PM (#58179)

First off, there is nothing abnormal about loving someone who is bad for you. It happens every day and we've probably all done it once or twice in our lives. It's hard to leave relationships like this because they are familiar and comfortable. The "spark" makes it even harder, but YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF! If you're dating someone else, it means you're looking for someone to fill the gaps that this relationship with mama's boy can't. You need those things in your life. Let go. It hurts, buts it's for the best.

Same for your other man. He's great, but there isn't a spark, WHICH IS NORMAL! It's happened all of us at some point. I used to hook these precious fellows up with my girls friends who I knew would take care of them. They were such great guys, but I didn't feel that connection. Like many have said, this guy deserves someone who has the spark and will return the great love and compassion he gives. Let go.

Let go of both men and go find the one that fills all your needs. You're 41...it's time to move life along.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 08:24 PM (#58181)

Face it, at age 41 this dimbulb is never going to change. She doesn't want advice -- she wants approval from other people to do what she wants to do. She wants to "follow her heart" (and other anatomical organs), and then when it inevitably doesn't work out because she's stuck with a dishonest, alcoholic, shiftless jerkass loser, she'll have someone else to blame.

Here, I'll give you what you want, babe:

I think you should commit to the guy you love. You and he deserve each other. You're perfect for each other. And those minor imperfections -- he'll change! True love will find a way, you'll see. Trust me.


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darkgolem
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Posts: 13

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Oct 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 09:36 PM (#58182)

go get therapy. You have a predisposition to men who are wrong for you. I am not saying your a bad or anything, but recognize this is a problem and deal with it. Otherwise this will continue. You have every right to want a relationship with a person who is right for you, and you care about, but you need to work toward that. I suspect in this case, this means you need to look at what causes you to look for the wrong person, and fix that.


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Murgatroyd
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Jan 2008
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 09:45 PM (#58183)

The second man is a friend from childhood who I got reacquainted with about a year ago. He is sweet, generous, a great father ...

Uh-oh. Your kids, or his?

If they're his kids, he definitely doesn't need a twit like you in his life. And if you don't love him, I guarantee that you won't love them.

If they're your spawn, then what the #@^* are you doing even thinking about shacking up with a dishonest, alcoholic, shiftless douchenozzle like your worthless boyfriend? It's time to think about someone other than yourself for a change!


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Justme
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 29, 2011 - 10:11 PM (#58184)

I've visited this site and chuckled and balked at some of the toons, but registered for the first time mainly to reply to this.

The fact that this is even a QUESTION, tees me off to no end. At 41, I can't believe that you haven't learned this lesson already. There's clearly alot of unspoken subtext going on in here. Like the fact that guy #1 is likely in better shape and/or is better in bed than guy #2, because there's no doubt to me that you know the answer to THAT question.

Speaking as one of those 'nice guys' like the one you're using right now that has been through this before, multiple times, I can tell you to drop him now, while he only has the love of a year's worth in pain to recover from. If he truely is a friend, if you care for him at all, LET HIM GO. Niether of you deserve one another.

You've really answered your own question here as well. You love guy #1 and he 'loves' you. The fact that this is a question and that you've been juggling 2 guys for more than a year shows that you're not really looking for a relationship, you want a friend with benefits. That is what guy #1 is for you.

I'd have more sympathy and would've replied less scathingly if you had approached this question BEFORE guy #2 came into the picture. If you're questioning this now after 5 years of guy #1, more than likely you've questioned him sooner than this and have wondered alot sooner than this as to whether or not he was worth it.


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betaiotamu
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Posts: 5

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Mar 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 30, 2011 - 06:55 AM (#58187)

Did everyone miss the stated fact that guy #1 "works two jobs" while living at home - rent free I suspect. The only thing that makes sense here is that this confused "lady" isn't really all that confused. Guy # 1 has to have a lot more disposable income than guy # 2 who is "a great father". We raised 3 sons and know what the cost of parenthood is. This "lady" really isn't that confused - she just doesn't want to face what she really is and what her price is.


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DanialArin
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Apr 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 30, 2011 - 01:06 PM (#58188)
In Response to betaiotamu (#58187):

@betaiotamu: I think you're barking up the wrong tree. With very few exceptions, most guys working two jobs with few obligations have two very low-end jobs. A high-end job tends to consume a person's time and energy to the extent there's little or nothing left for a second, unless the person has no non-work life.


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Sleddog
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Feb 2009
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 30, 2011 - 03:19 PM (#58189)

Girls often go for the bad boys. They usually grow out of it.


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spzeidler
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Posts: 35

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Jan 2010
Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 31, 2011 - 03:45 PM (#58191)
In Response to admirall (#58142):

Same as men going for the empty-headed bimbo gold-digger. Who just happens to be more sexy. But if a woman goes with the sexy guy, it's of course because she's into assholes, not because the stronger sex appeal made her decision, huh? :)


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spzeidler
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Re: Torn Between Two Guys (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 31, 2011 - 03:59 PM (#58192)
In Response to betaiotamu (#58187):

What makes you so sure she isn't making twice as much as either of the guys?


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