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POLL RESULTS: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the friend: (9 comments)

POLL: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the friend

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I recently found out my wife was having an affair with one of her old friends. They had a sexual relationship over a decade ago and, except for a few years when they lost touch, have always been good friends. Less than a year after they reconnected, they started sleeping together. I discovered the affair and she says it's done, but she still wants to be friends with him. I don't think our marriage can work with him in the situation. What should I do?
POLL: What should he do?
 
39% (462) Have a serious talk with the wife: "It's him or me."
 
19% (223) Try to convince the wife that this is a bad idea
 
32% (376) Leave the wife. This ends badly.
 
3% (36) You're over-reacting. There *were* those three months in 2006 when they weren't having sex.
 
5% (66) Threesome!
1163 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 24, 2011 - 02:40 AM (#58390)

I discovered the affair and she says it's done, but she still wants to be friends with him. I don't think our marriage can work with him in the situation.

I don't think the marriage can work with her in the situation.

She says it's done. Big whoop. She said she'd be faithful to you, too.

Has she shown any contrition, or given any sign that she realizes she's hurt you and endangered the marriage? Doesn't sound like it. In fact, it sounds like she'd still be schtupping him if you hadn't found out about it.

At the very least, she needs to stop seeing him, even as a "friend." If she won't, I recommend that you walk.

And if you do stay married, you both need to see a counselor.


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LokisGirl
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Feb 2011
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 24, 2011 - 09:19 AM (#58394)

Yes, this is a bad situation. When I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, he promised he'd never do it again and asked me for another chance. A month later he dumped me for the other girl. This is a situation where unless there's some *serious* contrition, you should get out. (And even then, it's hard to tell it's not faked.) It'll only get worse.


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Archwright
Lover

Posts: 19

Registered:
Oct 2010
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 24, 2011 - 10:51 AM (#58395)

Is a little polyamory out of the question in this relationship?

I know that some people want more than one sexual partner, but like to have one primary partner.

In the end, which is less effort? Changing over your marriage to an open one or going through all the financial grief of a divorce.


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NothingNewHere
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2011
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 24, 2011 - 11:09 AM (#58397)

"She stopped the affair" No you discovered the affair. She would be still doing him if you didn't call her out. And now she still looking at him, seating next to him, listening to his side of everything. Its not you two against the world any more. Once a cheater always a cheater. Get out now its makes it easier later.


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spzeidler
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Posts: 35

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 26, 2011 - 06:36 AM (#58414)
In Response to NothingNewHere (#58397):

I don't read from the text that his discovery of the affair was what stopped it.

I read "wife and friend were an item a decade ago, met again, had a short affair, found out it still wasn't working and mutually agreed to Just Be Friends again. Husband learned about both a year or two later."

As to the long-term effects on the marriage, it's really a question of trust, and what can be forgiven and what can't, and these are individual.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 27, 2011 - 10:48 PM (#58438)

Less than a year after they reconnected, they started sleeping together. I discovered the affair and she says it's done, but she still wants to be friends with him.

Note that he said he "discovered the affair," not that he found out that they'd had an affair at some time in the past. Sounds to me like they'd been going at it for several years behind his back, and only quit when he found out.

She betrayed his trust ... and now demands that he trust her again without giving him any reason to think her word is any better this time than last.


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LonesomeLoser
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Posts: 25

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, March 02, 2011 - 02:25 PM (#58461)

Imagine the reverse. Do you think most women would not tell their friend to dump the guy?
But if he dumps her, she will still get most of his stuff even though she is at fault. He cannot win in this situation.
Anyone who thinks they are not going to end up together again is an idiot.


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DugganSC
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Posts: 7

Registered:
May 2010
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, March 03, 2011 - 10:41 AM (#58469)

Honestly, this all comes down to whether or not you think there's any chance she'll actually sty the course with you. But ultimately, if you do decide to take her back, the only way to do it is with full forgiveness. If there's any part of you that wants to hold it over her head in the future or to get revenge, for all that's holy, end the relationship.


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BobfromSydney
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Posts: 4

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: She stopped the affair, but she's keeping the (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 03:33 AM (#58575)

If your wife does not SHOW respect for you by cheating on you, hiding it and then ignoring your feelings and opinions then where is the basis for your marriage? You can try what you are willing to try to solve the problem but if she doesn't want to listen then you should be prepared to show her the door.


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