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POLL RESULTS: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close friend: (8 comments)

POLL: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close friend

Wednesday, March 02, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I am a college student. During the course of my current class, I have grown very close to a girl. All my friends have suggested I pursue her, but it has not happened because she has a long-distance boyfriend.

The other night, after far too many hours of studying, the barriers sort of broke down and we ended up in bed. Over the course of a sleepless night, we did essentially everything except the sex. Finally, in the early morning, she broke down and felt guilty about it.

After a fair amount of consoling, I told her that it didn't have to be anything, and that we could continue on as we had. She has since told her boyfriend, and they are still together.

The problem is that it was the best night that has ever happened to me. I felt we had amazing compatibility, and it felt more right than anything I have ever done. After talking with her, she confessed it was the same for her. In spite of this, she will only say that her life is confusing right now, owing to the fact that she finds me attractive and wants to be with me, but has a long-standing relationship.

What should I do? I think it is only a matter of time before something happens again, and I really care for this girl (despite the fact that I was the catalyst for her infidelity). My gut reaction is to sit back and let her make the choices she wants, and see how it pertains to me.
POLL: What should he do?
 
31% (196) You're young. There are many more great nights like that ahead -- and many more people with whom you can have them. She's not available. Move on.
 
30% (189) These long-distance romances never last. He's there. You're here. Once she figured that out, you're in.
 
34% (217) Play the field, but keep the lines of communication open with this girl, just in case.
 
4% (27) Confront the girl and tell her she has to choose between the other guy and you.
629 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
TheBigJerk
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, March 02, 2011 - 12:51 AM (#58454)

The problem with "stealing" someone from their lover is, if the dog can stray once, won't it stray again? Moreover, from her point of view, who wants to be the stray dog?

Now romance is always full of x-factors and anomalies, but the betting man plays the odds. And this betting man says that if you successfully steal her away from Longy McDistance she will regret and angst over it in a way that will disrupt and possibly ruin your relationship.

Just be friends and move on romantically.


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Aar0n
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, March 02, 2011 - 02:53 AM (#58455)

My fiancee did this with a guy a couple months before we broke up. It broke my heart because I knew how easy it must have been to take comfort from some nice guy while we couldn't be together at the time. She was at fault for letting it happen, but he was also really at fault because he should have been honorable enough not to even inadvertently intrude into someone's relationship.

Here are some things to consider. If you really respect her, you wouldn't provide a way for her to cheat on her boyfriend and dishonor herself. In willfully tarnishing her reputation, you've already shown that you don't deserve the girl.

You should also consider that the guy she's with is has feelings just the same as you. You are making a cuckold out of him for not other reason than your own selfishness.

Lastly, after having done what you have done, if you pursue this girl, even if you wait until she and her boyfriend have broken up, you will dishonor yourself by the theft of another's heart, and, in many ways, you will dishonor your parents by proving that they did not raise a son who valued what is right more than what he wants right now.


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DugganSC
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
May 2010
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, March 03, 2011 - 10:35 AM (#58468)
In Response to TheBigJerk (#58454):

Even past the fears that she might cheat on you, there's also the fact that if she breaks off with her boyfriend for you and things go sour, you'll always be the reason she never found true love. I found that one out the hard way in a prior relationship.

I say hold yourself remote and avoid situations of where you might be tempted. Meet in groups if that's what it takes. If things don't work out with her boyfriend in the future, well, there's yet time to start something. But wait until the prior relationship has ended naturally.


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bucketsgirl
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 04, 2011 - 02:49 AM (#58475)

Even if she did leave her existing boyfriend to start dating you, trust is going to be an issue on both sides. Eventually, you will wonder if you can trust her not to cheat on you. Even if you somehow never doubt her ever... eventually, she will wonder if you trust her. This is a HUGE issue that more likely than not will end up seriously messing with your relationship. This is a possible future problem if things go that way, though...

Your existing problem is that she can't seem to make up her mind. She thinks you are awesome but doesn't want to leave her current boyfriend. If she was not able to quickly make up her mind, she will probably keep waffling and be unable to make a choice. That is a terrible situation to be in. Don't stick around in limbo... walk away and move on with your life. If you actually mean that much to her, she'll contact you. If not, then obviously you weren't important enough - but at least you won't have waited around for months waiting to find that one. Seriously, move on.


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ErikTheRed
Lover

Posts: 25

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 04, 2011 - 02:43 PM (#58478)

You two are already "in a relationship" - you just think that not having sex means you can stay in denial about it.

The two of you have three options:

1) Break it off between you (and the whole "we'll just be friends" thing is a wimpy way of avoiding a decision).

2) She can break it off with him (which she should be doing anyway, because clearly it's not working).

3) Polyamory, which most people really aren't capable of (just another form of denial).


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, March 09, 2011 - 06:43 AM (#58486)

Hey AArOn. are you real or what?
"...because he should have been honorable enough not to even inadvertently intrude into someone's relationship."

So, what you are saying is, nobody may court no woman at all, because she may be in a relationship?
And women are incapable to decide for themselves?
You rock, and in service to our collective genepool, I dearly hope you do as you write....

On the other hand, the question of OP.
You have already gotten a lot of good advice here (as well as some underworldly horrible).

It is here decision what she wants to do about her far-away Lover.
You might be able to influence that decision by clever seduction - but I do not believe it would be very gratifiyng for you.
She has to make that decision, and dont get your hopes up - people dont like to take decisions wich hurt.

You care for your own soul`s well-beeing. Let her know it is up to her to call you if she decides so, but you will not stay around hoping and moping.
Then back off.


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LittleCrow
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Feb 2011
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 11, 2011 - 08:22 PM (#58519)

@BlueD. I think it was pretty clear that this guy knew the girl was in a relationship and went for it anyway. It IS dishonorable to pursue another man's girl, just as it is dishonorable to cheat on your man. If you can't hack the "just friends" thing, you walk away completely. When it comes down to it, everybody is affected by hormones, and if she's feeling the strain because her man is away, and you present the opportunity of temptation, you're just going to make everyone involved miserable. She probably wouldn't have touched you if her guy was around. Move on, there are plenty of single fish in the sea.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: The long-distance boyfriend vs the close frien (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 14, 2011 - 05:59 PM (#58531)

Well, if we`re talking honorable...

You know, I`ve been in both positions, beeing pursued in absence of my SO an being smitten by a lady in relationship.

My experience is, when the present temptation wins out over the relationship, it was on its way out anyway.
So why not try, as long as you are able to accept a clear "NO".

It IS her decision.
Honour my ass, she has the right to question her relationship an move on.
And if she DOESNT, he has at least taken the jump and done what he wanted, even if he got rejected.
Thats strength.

There is no dishonour in pursuing a woman. Dating or not.
In fact, I think it quite craven to hide my own wishes behind some real or made-up moral code.

After all, she could be the one, or you could at least do her a favour helpig her out of a thing she wants to end anyway.


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