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POLL RESULTS: 40-Year-Old Virgin: (25 comments)

POLL: 40-Year-Old Virgin

Friday, March 18, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: I’m a 40-year-old man and still a virgin. I’m not holding out for my wedding night or for religious beliefs. I just have not found a woman who I enjoy being with. How can I stop being anxious and depressed about my situation?
POLL: How can he stop being anxious and depressed about his virginity.
 
14% (200) He can't.
 
21% (305) Dude. It's time. Just lose it already.
 
37% (527) Embrace it. It's not such a horrible thing.
 
23% (333) Do whatever it takes... anxious and depressed people aren't very attractive
 
2% (35) I'll post my suggestion in the Comments below...
1400 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 02:52 AM (#58573)

If you are really anxious and depressed about this situation, go see a counselor. They're not just for crazy people, lots of healthy people go to them, sometimes it helps to talk to a professional. A sex therapist might be particularly helpful. Also, I'm not saying this to be mean, but if you have not found a woman you enjoy being with by age 40, maybe you should look into being with men or asexuality.


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BobfromSydney
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 03:23 AM (#58574)

My advice is this:

1. You sound like you only want to sleep with a woman who you enjoy being with. Good. Now you need to figure out (roughly) what that actually MEANS.

What kind of woman do you enjoy being with? What sort of qualities does she need to have? Physical Attributes? Interests? Accomplishments? Abilities? Ideas and Opinions? Personality?
You might want to write a list.

2. Once you've figured out what sort of women you would be attracted to then you should think about what sort of places you would be able to meet women like that. If you want to meet someone who loves books and reading try a bookstore or library. If you want to meet a dancer try a dance class etc. Don't forget there is always internet dating if you are looking for specifics.

3. Work on your own attractiveness. This doesn't mean pumping iron and buying a Ferrari, it means developing yourself as a person, finding hobbies and interests, improving your conversational skills and character. Improving your attractiveness means you are building your confidence and preparing yourself to meet the sort of woman you are attracted to and ask her on a date and forming a relationship.

4. When you have met a woman you are attracted to and who is attracted to you then the physical intimacy will happen when you are both ready.

N.B. Don't forget that in order to meet women you need to TALK to them. I suggest that you do NOT use pick up lines but instead just say hello and talk about something they are doing/holding/wearing or maybe say something about the people/location around you to START the conversation. If they are interested in a conversation (i.e. they start talking naturally with you) you can then ask them what their name is and if they want to go out for coffee (or tea or lemonade) sometime. If yes then get their number and call them in a day or two to set a date.

Also when you are talking go easy on the compliments. Compliments flavour a conversation but too many compliments in a conversation is like having too much sugar in your drink or too much salt on your food.


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abc123
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 05:43 AM (#58576)

Why would you be depressed and anxious about this situation?

I'm betting you don't like women very much if you haven't found one you enjoy being with in 40 years.

Are you sure that the 'right/good/perfect' woman might not be called Frank or Fred or Adam?


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LonesomeLoser
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 07:33 AM (#58577)

Ha! 40... add a few more years and you have me
It is not so much that I have not found one I'd like - I cannot find one who'd want me (with the exception of a friend who is married, and that is a no go for both of us) Honestly, from the LL, find one and go for it.


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Chris36237
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 08:58 AM (#58578)

I'm a 26-year old man and still a virgin. Doesn't seem to change any time soon either.

Maybe you could just accept the situation and move on.
So, you never squirted some of your DNA into a woman.
No big deal!

To me, not being a virgin seems to be largely overrated.


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Lucard79
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Misoginy??? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 09:30 AM (#58579)

Look. As any psychologist can tell you, misoginy is a disguise. If you have not found a woman you enjoy being with, probably you should look elsewhere.

Come out already!!!


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Lucard79
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 09:38 AM (#58580)

Dude...

as any psychologist can tell you, misoginy is actually a disguise. Many people seem uninterested in the opposite sex (like when you say "I haven't found a man who I enjoy being with"), and they seem to put their interest in other things (be it academics or work related issues).

But let's be honest. Misoginous men are mostly homosexual men who have not been able to pluck up the courage to actually embrace their sexual orientation. I do not mean in any way to be offensive or tactless with your situation, but I am dead serious when I write that you may at least ask yourself that question (if you haven't already). It's easier to live your life expecting something that your psyque can do and not something that the rest of the people expect you to do. Being a virgin is no crime and you should not feel ashamed of it, but the question of why you remain a virgin is not clearly answered by your comment, because it brings out the question: why do you not find a woman you enjoy being with?

Occam blade this matter: because you don't enjoy being with women!

It's only logical.


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DoubleStar
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 09:45 AM (#58581)

Wow, this brings back memories. Perhaps I'm wrong here, but it sounds to me as if you're more anxious and depressed about not being in a relationship, rather than being a virgin, since if you were in a relationship it would eventually lead to sex. Of course, if sex is really all you want, disregard everything below.

Here's the rub - if you're anxious and depressed, people can sense that, especially any girls you might be around, let alone be interested in. People like that are no fun to be around. Worse is when you find someone you are interested in, and want to meet them and want them to like you. Now your anxiousness starts to come across more like desperation, and trust me that turns people off faster than a bad pickup line.

I was that person once. I was anxious and depressed that I hadn't yet developed a relationship with a woman I could love. Every time I did find someone I was attracted to, I was so worried how I'd come across that half the time I couldn't even work up the nerve to talk to them - and when I did, the whole desperation thing came across.

I broke the cycle by *giving up*. Rather than be anxious about when I'd find the right girl, I made myself accept the increasingly likely probability that I wouldn't ever find that person, and figured out how I was going to be happy despite that. And in doing so, I became a far more confident person around women. Or rather, it might be more accurate to say I felt I had no chance, so I no longer cared what women who I was attracted to might or might not think of me - which allowed me to simply be myself around them, without the air of anxiousness or desperation that people seemed to be able to sense no matter how hard I tried to hide it.

Crazy thing - once I finally started doing that, I shortly thereafter met the woman who later became my wife.

Hey, it really happens.


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ErikTheRed
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 02:37 PM (#58582)

Three words: Seek Professional Help.

If you aren't on the right track by 40 and want to get there before you die, quit screwing around and get a good pshrink.


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Darkness
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 02:53 PM (#58584)

You should pay for sex, prostitutes are great listeners and could help you a lot! Also, stop with the masturbation.


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tparadox
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 03:54 PM (#58586)

Do we seriously have people saying "if you're a virgin, you must be gay?" I thought that nonsense ended in high school.

The question doesn't specify why he hasn't found a woman he wants to be with. It may well be due to high standards, shyness, not attracting the kind of women he wants, or not taking steps to put himself in the right place at the right time.

The question at hand is how to deal with feeling inadequate in not having had sex yet. I say just remind yourself that it's not the most important thing in life and it will happen soon enough, especially if you work on meeting the right person.

In my opinion, beginning to act on sexual urges (thus beginning to masturbate/look at porn) is more life-changing than having sex.


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Zen_Sorcere
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 04:19 PM (#58587)

(To a majority of the commentors): Good Lord. Just because someone doesn't get laid in a socially accepted time frame does NOT mean they are homosexual and in denial. I didn't lose my virginity til I was 30. Why? Because I was extremely shy in high school...I would turn red and sweat if a teacher called on me in class. Talking to girls then was even harder. My senior year, a friend of mine drug me to an audition for the school play with him, and I got cast. Acting helped open me up. College was easier, and I was finally able to get up the gumption to start asking girls out, but I wasn't successful at all.

 In my situation, I just had to practice at it. And it wasn't easy...women are attracted to confidence, and when you are way behind in the dating game, it's hard to be confident.

 And yes....I was too picky for a good while, which didn't help, because I didn't bother to try. I'd see a girl I thought was cute, and find some reason to NOT ask her out.

  

 When you aren't asking them out, you aren't getting any practice, and you certainly aren't getting more comfortable with the task. This does not help with the confidence problem. And as you get older it doesn't get easier, because you still have the same dating skill set as a middle-schooler.

 So folks who say, "are you sure you aren't gay?" Try and actually find some empathy...you sound like my father and grandmother did.

 And for those who actually voted on option 2 ("Dude. It's time. Just lose it already."): are you advocating he find a prostitute? Or are you implying that women are just throwing themselves at him and he's just being stupid?

 If he's anything like my situation, he doesn't have any practice with this, no one has taught him how to do it, he has no confidence in how to go about it, and his mind makes up excuses so as to avoid the "inevitable" embarrassment that will occur when he does attempt to ask a girl out.

 It's tough. But you need to practice at it, man. It's only dating. Sure, it might feel really embarrassing to get shot down, but that feeling of embarrassment will be very short-lived. Better to regret asking the cute girl out and being embarrassed for a couple of days if she shoots you down, than to not ask her out and regret not doing so for years.

 Just get out there and do it. Not the getting laid part. That will come after. But get out there and start practicing asking girls out, start practicing flirting with them. That's the only way you'll get more comfortable, and the way women will start finding you and your mind attractive.


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Zen_Sorcere
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 04:24 PM (#58588)
In Response to DoubleStar (#58581):

DoubleStar also has a good point. Don't invest so much in the asking out. The world isn't going to end if she says no. The "Giving up" feeling can certainly mask as confidence, because it lacks the scent of desperation. :) I did do some of that, too.


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zmortis
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 05:07 PM (#58590)

Double Star gets the prize for reading this one right I think. Anxiety and Depression are what keeps you from finding the "right" partner. You should seek treatment for those problems before your worry about "getting laid" as a priority. Trust me as a 43 year old married guy, while it is kinda nice having a regular willing sexual partner, it really isn't the "be-all end-all" point to existence for me.

I recommend you don't make it the focus of your anxiety and depression either. Work on being happy with who you are as a person first, then the funny thing is the relationship stuff usually works itself out naturally as a result.

Don't be afraid to become a better you if you want things to change.


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modelnut
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 18, 2011 - 06:23 PM (#58591)

I was a 45-year-old virgin before I found a special friend to help me. I thought she was the one. Turned out she wasn't. But as a result of that relationship I received one piece of advice that really worked. "Go where there are people who do what you really like to do. Make friends. One of them may very well turn out to be "The One" you are looking for."
Three years ago I joined a Sunday chat group for a favorite old TV show online. On my third visit my wife-to-be started a private conversation with me on some off-hand remark I made --- we have been talking ever since. She lived 898 miles away from me at the time. From the beginning all we wanted or expected from one another was friendship. We chatted every day for two months for hours about everything and nothing at all. It was fun! After two months I admitted I was in love and I told her so. A month later I proposed OVER THE PHONE. She accepted even though we hadn't met face-to-face as yet. We finally did meet six months into our relationship. Three months later we were married. I am happy beyond words and our second anniversary will be five months.
So wait. Don't worry. Don't just jump into something just because you think you are missing out. Wait for someone special. She will be worth it!


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BigNemo
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, March 19, 2011 - 02:17 PM (#58596)

Hello, 50-year-old virgin here, I do not really expect this to change anytime soon and I stopped being anxious/depressed about this years ago.

I can't really give any good advice on the matter. However, this made me remember of one of my all-time favorite videos (yes, I know you have already seen it!):

YouTube - Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me [youtube.com]

I still laugh at this, even if the joke is on me! (Yes, I guess I am the little guy with the balaclava!)


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BigNemo
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, March 19, 2011 - 05:02 PM (#58597)
In Response to tparadox (#58586):

@tparadox:

beginning to act on sexual urges (thus beginning to masturbate/look at porn) is more life-changing than having sex.

I mostly agree with you on this point... Provided that it is just a phase and then you move on.


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Archwright
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 21, 2011 - 10:46 AM (#58603)

If it is so distressing that it is affecting other parts of your life, you should seek counseling. It won't help you get your freak on directly, but it will help you understand yourself better.

The mind is a complicated thing, and sexual attraction is another complicated thing. If you haven't found a way to work it out in 20+ years of searching, you need some guidance.

Now, for all of you who said he's probably gay: You have got to be more mature that that, folks. Statistically speaking, our reader is probably not gay, or even bisexual.

If the reader, or any of you, wonder about your own sexuality, look for a Kinsey test that is backed by a school or something. Like this one: https://www.indiana.edu/~kinsey/astudy/1demogrph.p l


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Archwright
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 21, 2011 - 01:23 PM (#58607)
In Response to Archwright (#58603):

Well, that's the wrong test.

How embarrassing. Anyway, this page has information about what the Kinsey scale is.

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-hhscale.htm l#how


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Lucard79
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, March 22, 2011 - 09:27 AM (#58622)

To all of you who are completely denying the possibility of the man in question being gay...

To those who say that pointing out that someone else might be gay...

Why does it bother you so much? Are you so afraid of homosexuality that you can't consider the possibility because you could be considered bigots?

What's wrong with being gay? Why do you get so jumpy when someone mentions homosexuality? Shame on you, self-righteous prudes!!!!

Being politically correct is not the same as denying reality. When I say that he might be gay, it's not because he is 40 and still a virgin (I pretty well clarified it in my comment, and if you didn't see it, that's your bad). The fact that he says he has not found a women he enjoys being with (those are big words) is actually the expression that matters to suspect that the answer could lie in that area. To those people who lost their virginity later than their friends expected for being shy, or socially clumsy... That's a different thing. You're not saying you didn't enjoy being with women. You just got really nervous around them... but that is different, isn't it?

Virgin a problem? NO

Gay, a problem? HELL NO!!!

Stop preaching about bigotry when the bigot is the one who says that saying that someone might be gay is offensive, as if homosexuality were a disease that should not be mentioned!!!


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vlk
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, March 22, 2011 - 07:58 PM (#58628)

You may need to learn to enjoy being whoever you are before you can enjo being with someone. Be open to the possbility that the person for whom you are looking is male. Either way first learn to relax.


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tparadox
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 25, 2011 - 11:39 PM (#58694)
In Response to Lucard79 (#58622):

What's wrong with being gay? Why do you get so jumpy when someone mentions homosexuality? Shame on you, self-righteous prudes!!!!
Do we seriously need to write "not that there's anything wrong with that," when talking about homosexuality? How 90s.
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Lucard79
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, March 29, 2011 - 06:44 AM (#58733)
In Response to tparadox (#58694):

In response to tparadox

"Do we seriously need to write "not that there's anything wrong with that," when talking about homosexuality? How 90s."

No. The point is not writing with the hidden message of "do not mention homosexuality. That's evil"

The fact that you have to say "not that there's anything wrong with that" means that you had just made a derogatory use of the concept of being gay. It's like saying "Don't do that to your child, or you'll turn him gay... Not that there's anything wrong with that".

That is just a plain hypocrite, trying to sound politically correct.


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LonesomeLoser
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 21, 2011 - 10:56 AM (#58904)

I have decided to change my response. I have recently discovered I exhibit a number of characteristics of Schizoid personality. One of these is an inability to get to the level of intimacy to get to sex. It isn't that I am afraid, it is just the emotional commitment is beyond me.
And, by the way, he (OP) is not gay. Somehow that seems to be the standard - someone is not interested or capable of the emotional investment for hetero sex, apparently the standard is 'get on your knees and/or bend over!'


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morgenes
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Re: 40-Year-Old Virgin (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, May 14, 2011 - 07:28 PM (#59152)
In Response to DoubleStar (#58581):

Yeah, I think it's the initial hurdle that's the most difficult. Nice insight!


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