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POLL RESULTS: The Name Game: (12 comments)

POLL: The Name Game

Friday, April 15, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q.: I’ve been dating this woman for two years and sometimes when we make love or when she’s dreaming, she’ll mumble the name of her ex-boyfriend. My name isn’t much different from his — I’m Mike and his name was Mick — so I can see how there could be a mix-up, but I’ve mentioned this to her before and she still does it. Should I ignore it, or is there a problem here?
POLL: Saying the wrong name during sex is...
 
22% (341) A major sign of serious problems in a relationship
 
39% (608) not really a big deal unless it happens repeatedly
 
6% (107) to be expected if you partner has a good imagination
 
12% (188) nothing to worry about
 
18% (288) better than no sex at all
1532 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
admirall
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 02:34 AM (#58873)

It depends on this: How would she react if you sayd the name of your Ex?


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CasualNotice
Lover

Posts: 49

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 07:03 AM (#58875)

If your name was Mike and his name was Alouicious, it would be a problem, but given the name similarity, I wouldn't worry about it. Besides, to paraphrase Susan Sarandon's character in Bull Durham, would you rather she be making love to you and calling out his name, or making love to him and callingout yours?


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mojo2000
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 07:56 AM (#58876)

I humbly submit that the ONLY way for sexual partners to get out of this mess is by practising the time-honored phrase "Oh, GOD! Oh, GOD!"

...unless one of the partners is an ardent atheist.


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Mutt
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 08:41 AM (#58878)

Those are really similar names, and you could simply be hearing the wrong one. I know pronunciation isn't exactly at the top of my list when I'm having sex. If it really bothers you, you could insist on going on a variant of your name and see if that works out after a couple weeks.

Another option; my partner had a habit of yelling for a particular religious figure in bed whom neither of us worship. While he was doing so I snapped that we weren't having threesomes and to quit inviting others in. I had to wait through almost an hour of laughter, but it mostly worked. That really depends on the humor of your partner though.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 10:24 AM (#58880)

Had to pick the last one its oh so true.

But seriously, there are two ways this can go down.

One is, you being happy she is with you. Being secure enough of her affection zo not let it bother you.
Mumbling in sleep an moaning in extasy are not exactly conscious acts, and as others already pointed out, the names are quite similar, you might just have misheard. So you could just suck it up and enjoy the manifold other aspects of your relationship.

The other way is, you can question the very basis of your relationship. Does her mumbling the exes name mean, she would rather be with him than with you? Does she imagine him boning her when actually you are? Is she actively trying to srew with your mind?
That way lies obsessive mistrust, and if that is the way you have to go, you better end it quick.

Yes, communication and demands are a possibility, but I rather doubt she does so consciously.
And stopping it will be quite difficult.
So communicate, by all means, but in the end, the two options pointed out are the possibilities available to you.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 12:26 PM (#58881)

Well, everyone makes a verbal slip at some point, so that's not a big deal.

The difference comes in the timing. Making love and dreaming are to points when most of our defenses are down and our subconscious is doing a lot of the talking for us. If she's calling out someone else's name during those times, it's something to be concerned about. Obviously you are.

Now concerned is one thing itself. Again, everyone makes slips. But, you, the original poster, say you have talked to her about this; and moreover, the two of you have been together for two years now. I'd say that at this point, she should have been well past crying out someone else's name on accident or having them hanging around in her dreams, especially while in intimate situations with you.

It's decidedly a bad sign.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 01:29 PM (#58882)
In Response to eoraptor (#58881):

"concerned" should not equal panicking and running in circles.

It sounds like something to talk over. How did her breakup go? Maybe she was the one who was dumped?


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Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 02:37 PM (#58883)

It could be a problem, but considering how close your names sound it's probably just the fact that she is mumbling every time she says it that makes you think she's saying his name and not yours. The whole not changing it even though you mentioned it would mean more if she had any control at all over her actions when she says it, but since she's having a good time in bed when she says it or she's sleeping, she doesn't. Don't think so much about it. She's with you, not him. Relax.


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akkhima
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 15, 2011 - 03:45 PM (#58884)
In Response to Amanda (#58883):

I never really understood the calling out of names during sex... I don't think I ever have. And I think I'd be weirded out if someone called out my name in bed, because I tend not to like the sound of my own name.


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Cat1864
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Dec 2008
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 18, 2011 - 04:51 AM (#58888)

Are you sure it it is her ex's name she is mumbling or calling out? There are other people besides him with the name 'Mick'. Does she have a secret crush on Mick Jagger or Mick Foley or Mick Jones...Maybe even Mickey Mouse or Mick St. John?

Instead of calling out a person's name could she be calling out a derogatory slang term for a person of Irish descent?

Something to think about is that discussing a subconscious act could make it worse. At a time when coherent thoughts are few and far between trying to think about NOT calling out a name could very easily turn into calling it out.

As for mumbling in her sleep, unless there are more details than a name, then you are filling in the blanks with your own thoughts not hers. While your thoughts could be of passionate embraces, her dreams could be of getting money back or attending his wedding when he marries a unicorn.

By the way, How often does she actually call out this name during sex? Is it happening less frequently the longer you are together?


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 18, 2011 - 09:50 AM (#58891)

Something to consider. Human brains are wired in such a way that the synapses will rearrange themselves to form the (generally) shortest and fastest path from stimulation to pleasure center.

For many people, hearing how much your partner is turned on is at least as stimulating as all the rest of it, yet practically speaking there's not a lot of talking going on during sex. So many people will cry out a name or phrase to help their partner (and even themselves) with the auditory stimulation.

Problem here is that if a person fixates on a particular phrase while having sex, that phrase will naturally come to be associated with one or more pleasure centers in the brain via shortest-path-first brain synapses. Do it too much, and it becomes an addiction (this is actually how most people get addicted to anything).

So here's the rub - her stimulation at one point was to use her ex's name, and now she (hopefully) ordinarily uses yours. If she was actually thinking about Mick when she originally created this shortest-path-first synapse addiction, then she shouldn't ever call out his name while having sex with you, since presumably she would be thinking about you rather than him and that should form a totally different synapse connection.

On the other hand, if she actually just used the ex's name as a general way to stimulate herself and her partner while having sex and wasn't specifically thinking about him while doing it, then the shortest-path-first synapse connection might be quite similar to the one she is using for you now - in which case it would be quite normal for her to have problems changing the phrase considering how much yours and the ex's names are alike.

So the true answer to your question is, it depends - and even she might not really know which of the above is true. The simplest way to change this behavior would be for her not to use the phrase at all, but while that might be an intellectually good answer, it is likely an instinctually difficult thing for her to accomplish since she would be effectively denying herself a form of pleasure during the very act of doing what humans generally consider most pleasurable.

The easiest way out of this then, and what I'd recommend, would be to ask her to come up with a totally new phrase or sound to cry out while having sex. Cry out the name of deity, or merely moan and scream in ecstacy, just so long as it has little to no resemblance to the ex's name. It may be a little difficult for her to use at first, but if she really enjoys sex with you it shouldn't take her more than a couple of months or so to form another synapse connection associated with sex. It won't get rid of the other one, but it should give her an alternative, which should cut down drastically on her using the ex's name during sex. And once the old phrase falls out of use that synapse connection (and her tendency to use it) should eventually disappear altogether.

As for the dream thing, like others said above, don't pay it very much attention. I love my wife, but I dreamed of my ex for years after we parted, just as I still today dream of old friends whom I haven't seen in 20 years. Being an ex doesn't mean he never meant anything to her; for a time in her life that person meant a lot to her, and it would be silly to ask her to forget about him, almost as silly as asking a widower to forget about their deceased spouse. But that doesn't mean she doesn't like or love you. You're the one she's in a relationship with now - focus on that and make the most of it!


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sato108
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: The Name Game (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 21, 2011 - 05:20 PM (#58907)

Its kind of difficult to accept that after 2 years in a relationship she would still be calling out the ex's name. I don't know...seems like she may still have a bit of a hang up for the old flame...


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