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POLL RESULTS: Take a hint...: (9 comments)

POLL: Take a hint...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... I recently reconnected with a friend from middle school and hung out with him on two separate occasions. I enjoyed the time we spent together, but he seems to have gotten the wrong idea. He has asked me out four times in a row. I told him I had other plans, but he just won't take a hint. I'm far too awkward and polite to tell him flat-out I don't like him, but I want to remain friends with him. How should I send get him to take a hint?
POLL: How can she get him to take a hint?
 
3% (24) Keep trying. He'll get it sooner or later.
 
72% (580) You need to be firm with him. Give him that "you're like a brother to me" jumk.
 
0% (7) Ignore the problem. He'll move on to something else.
 
23% (186) You're not going to be able to salvage the friendship. Cut it off now.
797 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
clupshaw
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Nov 2010
Ass-hat. (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 12:50 AM (#58970)

Take a hint? Really?

I'm going to lay some tough love on you. You're an ass-hat. It is not fair to ANYONE when you aren't completely honest. He probably trusts you. He probably trusts that you would never lie to him and that you really are busy. So, why are you so perplexed that he continues to ask you out?

Get over your "shyness". You really aren't that polite and you're causing more hurt than you're preventing.
Next time he asks you out, and he will, since he's under the delusion that you're actually a nice person, tell him gently that you aren't interested in a romantic relationship with him. It's really not that hard.


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Who's really going to hurt? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 01:39 AM (#58972)
In Response to clupshaw (#58970):

He opened up to you and feels a connection that you aren't. You may not want to hurt him, but it sounds more like you aren't giving him strong enough hints because you don't want him to leave. If your friendship is solid enough, you two can make it as friends.

 If it's not, then you're only hurting him by leaving him clueless. Sorry to use an old saying, but it's better to rip off the band-aid than to work it off bit by bit.

And if he does drop the friendship, then that's someone you wouldn't care to have as your friend.


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bucketsgirl
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: Take a hint... (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 03:16 AM (#58974)

Speaking from experience with this issue...

You think it would be awkward to flat-out say, "I am not interested in dating you. I like being your friend, but I will never want more"? It'll be far more awkward if you never speak up, and he keeps hoping that someday you'll have time for him and will keep asking you.

You need to be firm, up front, or you're just being cruel.

Also don't say anything like "I'm not interested right now" or "I'm too busy for a relationship", because those are wishy-washy and will make him think there might be hope in the future. Be simple and clear now, and then maybe you guys can be friends.

Oh, and if you are up front and honest with him, and he says he understands, but later you get the feeling he's still wishing you view him in a different light? He's not really being your friend. It will bite you in the a** someday. And it will really suck. In this instance, follow your instincts. If you can tell he is not being a true friend to you, then distance yourself immediately.


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thespazz
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2011
He would rather have a firm answer. (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 03:27 AM (#58975)

Take it from a guy, we would rather have a straight answer from a woman we like than being led on. Even if its rejection. Especially if its rejection.
Being in a holding pattern and then shot down is worse than going down in flames the first time. The hardest thing he ever did was screwing up the courage to ask you out the first time. As the saying goes, fish or cut bait.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: POLL: Take a hint... (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 27, 2011 - 03:35 PM (#58986)

Yeah... what they all said.

I was tempted to select the"there are no platonic friends" response, but it's not a universal thing. it is possible.

On the other hand, it's still not universal, but far more uniform, that men are unsubtle creatures. (I should know, I am one after all) and will continue to miss the little hints or gestures, good or bad, unless our noses are rubbed in it.

You're doing him no favours by allowing him to labour under the delusion that you might, in the near future, become more interested and willing to make time for him.

Tell him "I'm sorry, I just don't like you that way." If he keeps asking, well then he's an ass who can't take a hint.

It's probably true that, being old friends who have reconnected, he finds an easy compatibility with you that in his mind can turn to romance. if you don't feel the same way, don't beat around the bush, just say so.


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MikeL
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2011
Friendship (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 28, 2011 - 12:02 AM (#58989)

Many years ago I spent time with someone who just wanted to be friends. She caught on that I was interested in more than just friendship, and she wasn't. So, she told me that she hadn't intended to hurt me, but she didn't feel any chemistry between us and she didn't want a romantic relationship with me. I was hurt and upset, and I wrote her a letter saying that I was still interested and to let me know if she was ever willing to give me a chance. A few months later, she called me back. No promises, but she was willing to take another look. In a few months, we will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary.

Point is, you never really know. Sometimes, just being friends is a great start to a relationship. Once she was willing to look at me in that way, she found that there was a lot more to me than she realized. Why not go ahead and go out with him? If you still don't feel it, well, not every dating relationship leads to anything more; no harm done. But maybe if you open your mind, you might find that there's more there than you thought.

But whatever you do, stop trying to "hint" that you don't want a relationship. Come right out and tell him that you're not interested in him that way, if you really don't think there's any future. It will be less painful.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Take a hint... (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, April 28, 2011 - 12:49 AM (#58990)

I agree with all the others, especially MikeL above. Say what you mean, but make sure that you mean what you say. If you tried going out with him on a date instead of just hanging out with him, you might find that he's worth seeing more of. Would it kill you to try?

One question: You say, "I enjoyed the time we spent together," but then "I don't like him, but I want to remain friends with him." Huh?

If you don't like him, why do you want to be friends with him?

Or, if what you mean is "I'm not intereted in a romantic relationship with him but I want to keep him as a friend," then why the #&*% didn't you say that?!

Given your poor communication skills and your willingness to lie to him, how do you ever expect him to figure out what you mean?


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LokisGirl
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Feb 2011
Re: POLL: Take a hint... (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 28, 2011 - 09:32 AM (#58999)

The difficulty here is that the answer is *obvious* but not *easy*. There's not really a short-cut, which is probably what the poster is looking for, because (as someone who's been in similar situations before), the *right* thing to do is to just say "I'm really sorry, I'm not interested in you in a romantic way but I still want to be friends." The trouble is that it's tricky to choke that out and one tends to worry about losing a friend. However, as the other posters have said, there's not really much else that can be done, since it isn't fair to the friend not to explain the problem to him. If you really really really can't tell him face to face, maybe try an e-mail? I know that's generally frowned upon, and there's a good reason for it, but I think it's better to send a serious, complete and well-thought-out e-mail than to continue leading this guy on. I think if you have to go that route though, you should say *why* you're sending the email (you're really awkward and shy and feel that you would mess it up in person or something) and then offer to meet to talk about it. In my experience, at least, it's much easier to get over that first hurdle via email and then let him open up the discussion in person. This really ought to be a last resort though.


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sureal
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
May 2008
Re: POLL: Take a hint... (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 28, 2011 - 10:25 AM (#59001)

Ladies, that's right, all of you. Men cannot take hints. If you are in the least bit vague in what you are trying to say, we will misunderstand you.


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