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POLL RESULTS: A Change in Plans: (8 comments)

POLL: A Change in Plans

Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q.: I'm 18 and in college. I've dated a few girls while in high school, but "accidentally" hooked up with a girl whom I had feelings for a long time. I say accidentally because I always assumed she only wanted to be friends, and just felt like confessing my feelings before leaving for college. The few months we dated before college were great, but then I went to college and she was planning on joining the Navy.

I decided to break things off, since we wouldn't see each other, but she's now decided to attend the same university as me and go in to teaching instead. While I approve of this decision, and am glad that this means we can be together next year, I also feel that she changed her life plans to be with me and that seems to put extra pressure on the relationship. We're taking a break right now, since we're so far away from each other, and I've had much more satisfying sex while in college.

In summation, am I paranoid about her changing her plans putting pressure on us staying together? And, at my age, is it a good idea to "settle" already, even though I've only dated about 5 or 6 women in my life?
POLL: What should he do about this girl?
 
40% (264) Hey, he didn't ask her to change her school. If the relationship doesn't work out, he's not responsible.
 
20% (134) She SO changed her school for him, and he's totally stringing her along. He needs to tell her the truth ASAP.
 
38% (253) Don't be so quick to write her off. If the sex isn't good, it can always improve.
651 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
admirall
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Jan 2011
Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 04:50 AM (#59119)

"Just" 5 or 6 women. With 18 ...

Seriously?


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funnybonzo
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May 2011
Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 07:18 AM (#59121)

None of the answers here listed here is one I would pick. In the first place I honestly feel 18 is too young to "settle down" and get married. You have years ahead of you to learn, and live before you you should look at marriage; not to mention that you'll have years ahead to screw up your personal finances with credit cards, student loans, bank loans, etc and you don't want to throw marriage/kids/mortgage on that fire at the incredibly young age of 18.

Now I think that you should sit down with this girl and have an open and honest discussion with her about what you are both after. Do not lie to yourself or her! If you're unsure about what you want from your relationship with her, tell her that. If you're not interested in marriage, but you like dating her, tell her that. If you're concerned she changed her life plans to chase after you, tell her that. But if you want to know what is going on with her, you have to be the one to ask her and work through the answers.

And on the topic of sex, it sounds like your hang up on whether or not she changed her life for you is putting a hitch in the sex you two have together. Stress kills romance.


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eoraptor
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 01:43 PM (#59127)

This is one of those ones where none of the offered responses seems like the "right" one.

She changed from The US Navy to Teaching. That's a fairly large shift in priorities, so I don't think you were her soul motivation for the change. So don't sweat that. At least from the brief description, she decided the Navy was not the right path for her (or the navy decided it for her) and you were just the most convenient route to a new and different path. if not for deciding to follow you, she could or would have gone somewhere else sooner or later, probably sooner.

As to College, meeting different people, etc...

I think that this is something everyone should understand. High School Sweethearts as soul mates is generally (not always though) a myth. When you leave home for the first time, after having your local highschool relationships, you're always going to meet new and different people.

Usually, among these new and different people, you're going to end up meeting someone you're more compatible with.

Why? Simple. When you're in high school, you're there because you have to be, and because of geography in most cases, not because of other demographic or social priorities. That means the people you meet and interact with are there for pretty much the same reasons; conscription. You can build a relationship, but it's less likely to be built on particularly solid foundations of compatibility. (plus of course, you're still a teenager, and thinking with a not-quite-developed teenage brain)

When you go off to College, usually you're going to be in classes with people who are there for the same reasons you are, taking the same classes you are, and sharing many of the same thought processes and interests you are; because they've chosen to be there, rather than going where the city/county/state tells them to go.

Is it possible your finally-requited love and you can make a go of it? Sure: but I think that taking a break, and discovering what's out there as an adult first is a very good idea, rather than pinning your life on the Disney-brand happily ever after of your high school crush is the more healthy route to discovering this.

but that wasn't an option, so I chose the "sex can improve" option, because as the two of you grow, it definitely can.


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horak
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 01:51 PM (#59128)

18 isn't too young to settle if you find the right person. Just don't make a decision like that based on stupid things like if she's a freak in bed or how hot she is. If this girl has amazing character and makes you a better person when you are with her, hold on to her. If she's clingy, irritating and changing her whole life just to keep dating you, get rid of her. You know what kind of person she is, just make the decision based on your future and what's good for you. Don't stay with her just because of some kind of obligation you feel.


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RJLatrans
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 - 08:33 PM (#59132)

Ok, this is the first time I have felt actually solid in advice giving, so I registered just to answer this one. As a just-about-to-walk college graduate, who has already seen a couple friends get married and also has a lot of older friends and my own romantic foibles, I actually am not out of my deep-end with this.

First off; I doubt that she changed it for you (unless she gave you some pretty big signs of changing it for you), so let go of that. Girls show major signs for that, when they are unreasonable types (such as a best friend of mine) they are clingy as all heck and give 'hints' all. the freakin'. time. If they are the reasonable type, then they would have discussed it with you and blatantly said it.

With that said, ask her. Don't say it arrogantly, just say that it has been worrying you because you know how important her dream was to her, or something. Go from there.

Second; The number of relationships you have had rarely corresponds with how great you will do in long-term relationship. (hold on, let me google that to check... nope, nada. If anyone has anything, please correct me. I try not to pull too much outta my rear). It depends on your personality, hers, and various other stuff. I have a little sister, her best friend married at 19 to the only guy she has ever dated (and who has only ever dated her). Would I ever do that? Hell no. But they are insanely happy, don't wonder 'what if' at all, and they both fit and know each other so well it is insane. I disagree with how young, but eh, I can't bag on the results with them.

I also have a best friend who has been in numerous, horribly failed relationships, finally picked a completely different type and fell in love, and they have now been together for over a year and still going strong. It was sheer luck that she was attracted to him when she had never been attracted to that type of guy before.

So as for the settle question? Only you can answer that. Relationships are crazy. And here is the thing, settling might not mean 'settling'. Having a steady relationship is great if you want it! The sex WILL get better (as long as you are sweet, honest and open and pay attention to her) because that can be learned (heck, I myself have had the worst luck in relationships, so I am graduating college as a virgin. I am not going to be awesome in bed at first, and I hope a guy would actually have some patience and be open about what I can do better, since I wont have a freakin' clue).

In the end, relationships are crazy. Figure out what is worse - missing out on a chance with a long-term, satisfying relationship with this girl, or missing out on a time of exploration in relationships. You might not need that exploration, you might only think you do, or you might need it. So I would figure out your status with all of that.

And yes, this is hella long, so peace. Hope I could be of some help.


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Mutt
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 12, 2011 - 10:27 AM (#59139)

I'm going to agree with a good bit of what's already been said. I doubt that she did something as big as shifting schools purely for you, especially if you were on a break and not trying long-distance. Maybe your school has a good teaching program, or possibly she decided your school had the least amount of people she disliked attending, there's a lot of factors that could have decided that for her. If she's not making a big deal of shifting to your school because you are there, you might not be topping the list.
I had a tag-a-long boyfriend from highschool (we're now just good friends, but different story) who applied to the same school as my first choice for fun...and ended up only getting into that school. To make it a little more weird, we also ended up getting shuffled into a co-ed dorm just one door apart from one another. We were in completely different schools/departments within the university (hence why for me it was my first choice and him a fall-back school) so we rarely saw each other except when we were in our living spaces. In the end, we both had wildly different ideas of what we wanted to do in both short and long terms, and they probably weren't going to match without one of us giving up everything we really wanted to do. We both had a lot more growing up to do anyways.

You could date her again, and see how it goes. Or you could decide not to. Young or not, you don't sound like you're ready to be deciding to "settle" to marry anyone though, so I wouldn't put that into your mind. And as the poll and others are stating, you aren't exactly given the absolute total of your sex skills from the start. Mostly, you can improve if you want it to improve, but that does take time.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, May 15, 2011 - 03:45 AM (#59153)

If you do decide to "see" this girl again, make sure you always, always, always use protection, OK? (And I don't mean sunglasses.)

She has one way to guarantee that you'll be involved in her life for the next two decades, and she wouldn't be the first young woman to try that tactic.


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LonesomeLoser
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Re: POLL: A Change in Plans (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, May 24, 2011 - 08:19 AM (#59214)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59153):

Seconded here

Addendum: use YOUR protection. Do not trust hers

She may not be like this but the old 'preggers, together?' routine is to be watched for


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