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POLL RESULTS: "...She said she wants me out of her life.": (13 comments)

POLL: "...She said she wants me out of her life."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q.: I met a girl at my friend's wedding. She was his cousin. We hit it off incredibly well for a couple months but then she and I both started going through (very similar) health problems at the same time. It messed with both of us - physically and mentally - and I managed to upset her and she managed to upset me quite a few times.

Over spring break, I went on a road trip with the intent of getting away from all the situations making my health problems worse. I wound up passing by her town. While I was there (she knew my route was taking me through there in advance) I texted her and said that I knew we'd been fighting lately but if she wanted to see me, I'd be happy to visit for a minute before I headed out.

She made the whole thing into this messed-up, creepy, manipulative drama, and she stopped talking to me afterward. That was about two weeks ago. A week ago, I texted her to ask if she would just talk to me to let me know what was even going on because I really didn't get what had happened.

She basically said she wants me out of her life.

Me, I'm still going through health problems and they're making it harder to move on than it probably would be otherwise but even without those I still care deeply about this girl. I've written a handwritten letter explaining to her my health problems - which I had kept from her because she was going through her own - and that my being there hadn't had anything to do with her and that I hope she'll let me back into her life one day and maybe we can be friends again but that, if not, I wish her health, happiness and joy every day of her life.

If I send it, this will be the last time I try to contact her. If I don't, I walk away without ever setting the record straight. Do I disappear from her life like she wants or send the letter and get what I have to say out before I walk away?


POLL: What should he do with his letter?
 
52% (457) Send it. It's only a stamp.
 
47% (415) She said she wants you out of her life. Take a hint. She doesn't want a relationship with you.
872 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 07:12 AM (#59173)

You said it's creepy. You said you kept upsetting each other. She said to not contact her. I'd think the answer was obvious. If she changes her mind, she knows where you are.

You're one stamp away from a stalker investigation. Be smart.

Since you're not, I'll elucidate: Leave her the @#$^ alone.

Don't send it. Don't contact her. Move on with someone else.


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Tairen
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
May 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 09:10 AM (#59175)

I've got to agree with NunyaBidness. The woman has made her opinion on the situation quite clear. By continuing to try to contact her (even to clarify why you were contacting her earlier) is just going to compound the problem.


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Archknave
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Sep 2008
Beyond the Threshold (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 11:32 AM (#59177)

If you ever want to have anything with this woman, you need to give it all up now and move on.

That sounds strange, but my experience is that in one sense women are like cats; They want the thing that is about to get away, or has intrigue to them. They are repelled by something that is not interesting and dangled right in their face.

For whatever reason, you have crossed the threshold in her mind from "intriguing" to "creepy". There is absolutely nothing you can do or say to change that right now. Attempting to pursue her will only strengthen her resolve against you. If you turned into Brad Pitt tomorrow, you'd still be stigmatized in her mind. Give it up immediately and move on gracefully.

If you send anything in a letter, send an apology for making her feel (whatever it is she says she feels) and wish her the best. And don't mess it up by saying "if you ever change your mind, call me!" I guarantee your reputation with her will go up a little (not enough to get together, tho) by you acknowledging her stance that it's not going to work. Again, do that only if you want a shot with her in the future; otherwise just do nothing.

Your only shot (and it is a long shot) is if she goes a year or two without finding anyone, you overcome your health issues and have some success, and then you look her up again as a confident success. At that point, if she encounters you, you will be sufficiently different than what she remembered, and that will call for a re-assessment of you on her part. At that point, you'll need to re-evaluate whether you even want her anymore. :)


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 12:26 PM (#59178)

She's toxic.

She wants you out of her life.

Go.

No letters, no nothing. The time she was in your life is over. Time to mourn, let go, and move on.

If you are very lucky, you may encounter the girl you first met further down the road. Right now, that girl isn't her.


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BobfromSydney
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 12:54 PM (#59180)

From what you've said the relationship is *dead*.

Things like handwritten letters which look like nice gestures in romance movies are actually rather cheesy in real life *when they are not wanted*.

Look at it from her perspective - she gets the letter. You can write whatever you want in it. It won't change her mind, if she is not sympathetic to your viewpoint she'll interpret whatever you write negatively (assuming she reads it). In time she might change her mind - or not - there's nothing you can do about it.

Don't send the letter - burn it. You WILL feel better. Take the time now to sort out your health problems. Try doing something you enjoy. Move on. Go and live your life.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 04:00 PM (#59183)

She may or may not be going through crap right now that is skewing her PoV, but she's told you what she wants... if you send that letter you'll forever be "that jerk who couldn't take a hint," and probably much worse.

the old saying holds true here, if you love her, let her go, if she returns on her own, then it was meant to be.


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, May 18, 2011 - 06:45 PM (#59184)
In Response to eoraptor (#59183):

The letter may have been well thought out and explain everything to your best ability. But there's something else to think about.

Would she believe it anyway? Or would she consider it a cover up for what she may see as your true nature.

It may be that things are skewed for her, because of her health problems, and it may be that she truly is frightened of you and that you upset her. You've continued to nudge at her, now it's time to let it go. The ball is in her court, so if she ever decided to contact you, then she will. But don't expect or hope for it.

Sending that letter will only confirm her belief that you're pushing her into an area she doesn't want. And when a woman wants someone or something out of their life, they usually mean it, and sometimes that thought changes later on in their life.

But at this point, it'll only upset her further and may spark more problems.


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Bruceski
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
May 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 19, 2011 - 01:55 AM (#59186)

If your friend's close to his cousin, give him the letter. Don't volunteer anything about her situation -- it's not your place to do so -- just say there's been a severe misunderstanding and while you want to apologize for it you fear it would do more harm than good if delivered before she was ready to hear it. Assuming your friend is willing/able to help it's the best of both worlds.


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bucketsgirl
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Posts: 10

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 19, 2011 - 03:10 AM (#59187)

Whether or not you send the letter is less important than whether you actually walk away with trying again. I know several people who "just want to say their piece and then will never bring it up again"... and a few weeks or a couple months later they do it again.

Send the letter, don't send the letter, but actually leave it alone afterwards either way.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 19, 2011 - 09:56 AM (#59193)

You say you're willing to walk away, but you keep trying to pull her back to you. You are the creepy one. Get some serious therapy


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, May 19, 2011 - 10:01 PM (#59200)

Writing the letter has the potential to be nicely therapeutic. Sending it is pointless. There's pretty obviously unsolvable communications issues here, meaning you can be pretty sure that no matter what message you try and send, it's not going to be what is received. Trying to "set the record straight" has effectively no chance of working.

At most, you might let the friend know that his cousin wants you out of her life, and suggest that he consider this when sending out any future social invitations; even that should only be done if he and she are in regular social contact.


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vlk
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 20, 2011 - 08:16 PM (#59208)

Move on. Consider yourself lucky this happened before you got more involved.


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LonesomeLoser
Lover

Posts: 25

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: "...She said she wants me out of her life." (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, May 24, 2011 - 08:14 AM (#59212)

Mail it.
This gives you the last word, which is something no woman will ever be able to handle.
The only change I would make is to remove the getting back in her life bit. Just explain yourself, wish her the best and walk away.


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