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POLL RESULTS: Something in the way he moves...: (19 comments)

POLL: Something in the way he moves...

Friday, April 29, 2011 - 12:34 AM

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A reader writes... Q: I met a great guy online who’s really into me. We’ve gone out a few times but I can’t get over the feeling that he’s gay. He holds my hands and kisses me and stuff, but it’s little things that bug me. Like for instance, the way he walks. He also does things that don’t seem all that masculine. The other day I asked him point-blank if he was gay and he said no. I’m still not convinced. Should I hang in there and get to know him better or move on?
POLL: Should she hang in there?
 
9% (147) Nope. Trust your gaydar.
 
30% (491) Maybe. But keep an eye on him.
 
60% (990) A boyfriend who likes to shop?! What's not to love?
1628 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
delzoup
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 01:22 AM (#59010)

Being feminine guy is not a guaranteed correlation to being a gay man. You can have masculine gay men, or feminine strait men. The question should be, "Are you attracted to feminine guys, or do you prefer manly men?"

Like lumberjacks?

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers
of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side...


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BenPaddon
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 01:22 AM (#59011)

Really? Really? You think he might be gay because of the way he walks? I don't know who should be offended more by that assessment - gay men, or your date.


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 02:48 AM (#59014)
In Response to BenPaddon (#59011):

Yeah, that's not really enough to go on to assume that he's gay. A walk is hardly anything to go on. Now, if he was giving the eye to other men, that might be different.

If something as small as how he acts, then maybe that's an indication that you're nitpicking too much at him. It also may mean that he isn't for you if you're finding faults with him.

Just consider that what you find masculine may be completely different from what he deems as such. He may have had a mother who raised him alone. Or it could be he's metrosexual, as was stated before. Point is, don't start assuming until you have real proof.


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 03:21 AM (#59016)
In Response to rorirose (#59014):

If he is really into you, why worry?
OK, there are potential problems, but he won't be cheating on you with your girlfriend.


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Guairdean
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 10:25 AM (#59019)

You're dating a guy that doesn't conform to your specifications of a "Man" and you're asking for our opinion? Ok, here it is. Let him go so a woman that appreciates him can find him. Then, go out and find yourself a caveman. Someone who'll be more than happy to keep you barefoot, pregnant, and behind the stove.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 10:45 AM (#59020)

It sounds like you're looking for reasons not to like him so it is probably better to dump him before you go any further. Unfortunately, dumping him might be the wrong thing to do in the long run, but you're not ready now for the future with him. See if he's willing to give you time to work your issues out.
Take some time to study yourself, find out what you expect in a man with regard to masculinity. Evaluate whether your views about masculinity are distorted. Your view of masculinity may be driven by issues within your view of your self worth, or they may just come from what you admired in men around you as you were growing up (in which your gaydar would need adjusting).


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lockmedic
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 11:31 AM (#59021)

As someone who has been referred to by more than one of my friends as "the gayest straight man you'll ever meet", I say shrug it off.

You probably live in the south. Around here not liking Nascar or 'rasslin is enough to lump you squarely in the 'queer as a football bat' category.


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smparadox
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 12:55 PM (#59022)
In Response to Guairdean (#59019):

Guairdean has it right. Dump this guy so he can find someone better. It won't be the best thing for you, but it will be the best thing for him, and then you can focus on finding some macho creep to abuse you.
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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 01:14 PM (#59023)

I'm with them. Some guys have less-pronounced masculinity than others.

I don't think we have enough info to condemn Our Girl just because she didn't know this kind of straight guy could exist.

The resounding answer is: Yes they can, and if there's one thing Our girl should take away from this, that's it. What Our Girl does with that is the big thing.


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Fireeater
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 05:44 PM (#59025)

I voted "nope" not because I am worried about the issue of "gay" or not (I think obviously he is not if he is dating a woman), but because it indicates that YOU are NOT into him enough. Time to move on and find a man you really like, don't waste your time here. It's not worth hanging out just because you found someone who really likes you. It needs to be mutual to work.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 29, 2011 - 05:57 PM (#59026)

The real test of whether he may be gay is to honestly evaluate whether you are somewhat "mannish" in your own behavior/appearance.

If you're a girly girl, then he's likely just a somewhat effeminate strait guy. If you can give a butch lesbian a run for her manhood, then he just might be gay and in denial.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 30, 2011 - 01:35 AM (#59029)

I wonder if she'd be better off with one of Julie Brown's old boyfriends? "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid [youtube.com]" --

What kind of guy does a lot for me?
Superman with a lobotomy!
My father's outa Harvard,
My brother's outa Yale,
But the guy I took home last night
Just got outa jail!

The way he grabbed and threw me,
Ooh! It really got me hot!
But the way he growled and bit me,
I hope he had his shots!

I met a guy who drives a truck --
He can't tell time, but he sure can drive!
I asked his name, and he had to think ...
Could I have found the missing link?


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HandEFood
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 30, 2011 - 03:19 AM (#59030)

My wife says she married that man. ;-)


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 30, 2011 - 02:57 PM (#59032)

Pretty much what the crowd is saying: you either are attracted to, or are conditioned to expect, a Manly Man.

Could he be gay? sure. But it is at least as equally possible that he is just not a hairy beer swilling knuckle dragging butt scratching publicly adjusting member of the he-man woman haters clubhouse.

Ask yourself why you believe he is homosexual; is it because you see him looking at other men and talking about his time at summer camp a lot, or because you're falling victim through seeing through stereotyped glasses? (or maybe because you want an excuse not to be involved with him?)


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MarauderDeuce
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Sep 2010
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, May 01, 2011 - 07:05 AM (#59033)

You could always try a practical test...

Make him an offer he shouldn't be able to refuse and see if he 'rises' to the occasion. :)


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AlpineBob
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Monday, May 02, 2011 - 04:40 AM (#59037)

Sometimes gay men date/marry straight women just to fit into hetero society. Or so I've heard used to be the case. This guy might be one of them. Unlikely though; those guys usually adopt mannerisms that are just as macho as any other caveman, because that is the social pattern they are emulating.

And some straight guys think that musicals are fun, enjoy dancing, and hate sports. I'm one like that. We do exist. No one has ever said I walk gay, though I have been propositioned by guys on occasion. (And while my opinion might hold more weight if I were gay, it is with no regret that I inform you I have no interest in other guys, irregardless of their interest in me. Guys are gross - I'm continually amazed/grateful that women like us. But I digress...)

You say, "He holds my hands and kisses me and stuff," but don't elucidate much on the stuff. You say he's really into you. How "into" are we talking. Have y'all gone "all the way"? If he rarely initiates sex, only wants to do it from behind, or closes his eyes during sex, then perhaps he has secret fantasies/fetishes. These may, or may not, involve other men.

But you also say you've only "gone out a few times." Are you wondering about him because you've gone out those few times and he hasn't tried to jump your bones? It don't mean a thing, honest. There is some fraction of straight men with the ability to date a girl without trying to rip her clothes off. Really. I love women, but I respect them too. And I was brought up to be a "gentleman", so if a gal says "No" I don't ignore it or think maybe she means "Yes!" And I'm pretty clueless when it comes to gentle hints. What I'm saying is, I'm hetero, but totally not aggressive. So the bottom line for me is: a girl pretty much has to hit me over the head and drag me into her cave. And until she starts taking off garments I'll still wonder if that head-shot was an accident...
My point being: your guy might be like me - interested, but hesitant to initiate.

Really, you haven't given us enough info to give you good advice.

The real question is, do you want a caveman who will drag you back to his lair? That for sure is not this guy. Tell him goodbye.

Is he too nice? If you think nice guys don't exist, or that you don't deserve one, then you have issues you need to address with a pro.

Do you suspect you could be happy with a guy who will respect you?
Keep dating this guy and see what happens. Is there some big rush that you can't "hang in there" and spend some time getting to know him better BEFORE moving on?

Maybe he's gay. He says he's not. Do you think WE can tell if he's lying since you don't like "the way he walks"?

You know what? Nevermind. You don't like the way he walks! That clinches it - he MUST be gay. /sarcasm/
Gayness aside, I doubt you'll ever be happy with this guy. You're already picking him apart in letters to strange advice columns with answers from random internet crazies.
If he's anything like me, he wants the girl he's with to want to be with him. So go tell him you're dumping him for a caveman. You and he will both be better off.


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Makinus
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Monday, May 02, 2011 - 07:33 AM (#59038)
In Response to AlpineBob (#59037):

Just remember that the way he walks can be from a physical lesion... i had a friend that walked in a "feminine way" because of a problem in the development of his leg muscles in infancy and had nothing to do with being gay...


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ZenKai
ZenKai

Lover

From: Orange County, CA

Posts: 3

Registered:
May 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, May 03, 2011 - 04:19 PM (#59048)

Dang. I feel sorry for the guy. Speaking as a bi male (something that's caused no end of discord in my marriage, despite the fact that I have never strayed nor given any indication I an thus inclined), I can honestly say that if he is telling you his preferences, LISTEN.

Granted, before settling in to my current relationship, I pursued both men and women. Having made a decision (a necessary one as per the terms set forth by my wife), I stick by it; Cheating's cheating.

I can, however, relate to the frustratingly incensed feeling I got every time my wife would worry about it.

If he's gay, he won't really want to get serious with you.

If he's bi, either leaning straight or simply having decided that a woman (or even more likely: THIS woman, that is, YOU) is right for him, respect his decision.

If he's straight and you're falsely attributing his orientation due to an incorrect gaydar, you've killed what would otherwise be a relationship with a "great guy".

Drop it. Spend more time focusing on the relationship WITH the man, instead of some imagined preference that flies in the face of all evidence you've been provided thus far.


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BillyName99
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: POLL: Something in the way he moves... (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, May 08, 2011 - 07:17 PM (#59092)

I've been accused of being gay, but after a few experiments in my teens, I know that I am turned on by women.
Women with lush, womanly shapes and curves.

I am a straight man, but you might never guess that, because:

I HATE sports.

I am an excellent cook.

I can tell the difference between teal and blue.

I'm picky about what I will and won't wear.

I have no fear of crawling the mall.

I love my cats.

I am also man enough to say "F%$# You! to anyone who gives me any crap about the way I walk or dress.

I am also tough enough to lay a beatdown on some dumb jock that messes with me or my wife.

So, to answer you questions, I have some for you:

Does this guy check out other men?

Does he pass on the opportunity to feel you up?

Does he seem distracted when you're having sex?

Do you feel like he's just using you as a 'beard'

If you can honestly answer 'Yes' to any of those questions, then maybe he is gay.

 If not, you have two choices:
1. Accept him for who he is and get on with things.

2. Let him go, then go find yourself a macho prick that will act the way you think a man should act.


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