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POLL RESULTS: Next Day Ire: (10 comments)

POLL: Next Day Ire

Friday, May 06, 2011 - 12:00 AM

> A reader writes... Q: My husband is a warm, kind, gentle, and affectionate man. Except after sex. Actually the sex itself is fine. The problem is what happens the next day. He isn’t mean, but almost every time the day after we have sex, he is very cold and distant towards me. When he does talk to me he is usually very short and kind of just keeps to himself. Then that day passes and it’s like nothing happened and he goes back to his normal loving self. He even acknowledges he has a problem with this, but doesn’t know why it happens. I asked him if I was doing things he didn’t like during sex and he said that wasn’t a problem at all. I even tried to have a sense of humor about it and asked if he had another wife and felt guilty, which he thought was funny but solved nothing. Is counseling the answer here?
POLL: What should she do?
 
38% (579) This is the way her husband is wired. Don't worry about it.
 
48% (729) Keep trying to find out what's wrong... there's something there.
 
7% (120) If sex makes him so angry, stop having sex. That should make him happy, right?
 
5% (78) You're totally doing something wrong in bed.
1506 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Gadfly
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 12:50 AM (#59074)

This is one of those "Mars/Venus" issues. When a woman is "cold and distant" and says nothing's wrong, "head for the hills." When a man is "cold and distant" and says nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong. It's probably just his way of showing contentment.

There's a joke I like about an elderly couple at marriage counseling. The wife says, "You never say you love me." The husband says, "I told you I loved you on the day we got married. If anything changes, I'll let you know."

I won't leave my wife alone on the days we don't have sex or on the days before we do. The day after, I wouldn't say I'm "cold and distant," but I'm not feeling that compulsion to win her affections. I'm just feeling comfortable. Heck, on nights we don't, we'll cuddle all night long. When we do, we roll over and sleep with our backs to each other.


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 12:58 AM (#59075)

While I'm in the "try to find out" camp, there's a certain amount of caution that should be used. Digging at it to hard may cause problems larger and less fixable than this. Do pay some attention to it, but mainly to make sure it stays a little problem. Try not to make the attention become a bigger problem than the original.

As rampant speculation, one possibility would be if he had a particularly strong fundamentalist or other inhibited upbringing that taught "sex=bad" and "girls-who-like-sex=sluts"; he may still have some underlying cognitive dissonance over being in love with a girl who enjoys having sex, or over enjoying it himself. Another possibility could be that he has some deep-seated body-image issues, and has some resulting discomfort afterward. I suppose it might be a case that it's simply how he's wired at a subconscious level, perhaps in a better-than-usual sort of "I'm only nice to you because I'm extremely horny" way (which may have trade-offs at the other end). It may just be that he tends to be a little tired or short of sleep the next day. (The last is relatively easy to address with an exercise program-- at least, easy compared to counseling.) And there's doubtless dozens of other possible reasons.


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Mental_Mouse
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 09:22 AM (#59078)
In Response to Gadfly (#59074):

Agreed... You need to accept that he's not going to be fawning over you continuously, and that sometimes, he needs to withdraw a little into himself.
"Distant", perhaps, but he needs that space to recover from what may well be a rather overwhelming experience for him.


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Tairen
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
May 2011
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 09:33 AM (#59079)

I'm a happily married man but sometimes experience the same thing your husband does. After discussing it with my doctor we've come to the conclusion the reason is probably hormonal. When a man gets sexually aroused his body starts pumping out hormones to help the process. After he finishes having sex the body stops producing these extra hormones. For some men its doesn't make a big impact but for others its like coming down off a huge high. Its not anything you are doing wrong its just that he needs a little time to even out.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 10:24 AM (#59080)

What abb3w and tairen said. It's probably cultural and hormonal. You can work at it a bit, but it's going to be deeply seated.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 01:53 PM (#59085)

Pretty much all of the above. And:

Try acceptance.

Is the guy actually "cold" or just comparatively cooler than before? Important distinction.

Maybe that's your cue to be a little nicer to him. If he's warm cuddly and nice most of the time, you might be a little spoiled by it. It's natural to be used to that affection and to miss it when it's not there.

This *might* be a good time to give back to him for all the love his gives to you. Find out what little gestures and things please him when he's in this state.

Avoid doing things to *try* to "snap him out of it", so much as make this phase more comfortable for both of you. You love him right? Find the best way to relate when your relationship is in this phase.

If his focus is usually you, make your focus him and what makes the day better for him. Be prepared for the possibility that the big thing he needs is being left alone. You can still do little thoughtful things like get him a drink and snack or make sure the book he's reading is where he will find it.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 06, 2011 - 02:26 PM (#59086)

Well, I'm no medical expert, but sounds like some kind of hormonal or chemical imbalance. Let's face it, sex is a physically and emotionally strenuous activity, right? Something about it may just be sapping him; so learn to live with it. If he goes back to normal after a day or so, and it happens "every time" that's probably another good sign that it's just him. There ~is~ a reason for the stereotype about guys falling asleep right after, you know.

if you really think it's a problem, and it bothers you this much, ask him to see a doctor about it, or a therapist (who's to say it ~isn't~ psychological either?) but honestly, it just sounds more like a quirk than anything else, you can either stop having sex, or be prepared for a bit of bearish behavior the morning after, at least from what is presented in the question.


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Veldan
Lover

Posts: 12

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: POLL: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Monday, May 09, 2011 - 01:03 AM (#59094)

I have to say i went with the "you're totally doing something wrong" answer.

Personally, i've been with girls who have done things wrong or that i disliked and yeah, the day after i tend to be a bit distant.
Usually, i'll tell them what was wrong. Occasionally however it is something that they really enjoy and so i keep my mouth shut because i want them to be happy.
If they push for answers i try to find the nicest possible way of saying it (as not too offend) but this can't always be achieved.

I'm not saying that it's 100% the case here, but it is a highly possible answer to the situation.


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Brainwright
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: POLL: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Monday, May 09, 2011 - 05:44 AM (#59095)

There are various ways to gauge what's going on inside a person. I tend to view things in terms of how and where a person finds their happiness.

If the man was mean, I'd say he was resentful of the sex. He would be trying to take out his frustration on you, but he doesn't do that.

He simply draws inward in a way I would describe as recuperative. You may simply be reaching for an energy and spark that isn't there, and I can tell you that demanding he feel better isn't going to make him feel better.

So my suggestion is help him recuperate. Don't make demands of him, don't try to figure him out by questioning him. The details can be vague, but I can tell you for certain not to do something because you think it will appease him. The need for approval is demanding, so do something because you know it is a good thing to do.

So essentially... the secret to taking care of your man is taking care of your man. Sometimes that might mean letting him take care of himself if you don't know what to do.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Next Day Ire (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, May 10, 2011 - 03:06 AM (#59104)

It could be hormonal. It's called post-coital tristesse [wikipedia.org]. The effect has been known for a long time -- the Romans had a proverb: Post coitum omne animal triste, praeter gallum mulieremque. (After intercourse every animal is sad, except the rooster and the human female.)

As rampant speculation, one possibility would be if he had a particularly strong fundamentalist or other inhibited upbringing that taught "sex=bad" and "girls-who-like-sex=sluts"; he may still have some underlying cognitive dissonance over being in love with a girl who enjoys having sex, or over enjoying it himself.

That's plausible, too. There's a great exchange in one of Woody Allen's movies (one of the early ones, back when they were funny):

"Do you think sex is dirty?"

"It is if you're doing it right."


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