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POLL RESULTS: Get back on the horse?: (8 comments)

POLL: Get back on the horse?

Friday, May 13, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My adult daughter recently got out of a long term abusive relationship. I am very happy she had the strength to do this. Now I want her to start dating and going out with her friends. I also encouraged her to get counseling because most women often repeat the behavior of finding the same type of guy over and over. I offered to watch the baby so she can go. Her friends are telling her she needs a cooling off period. I have seen this happen before. she sits home and gets lonely then she winds up calling him and taking him back. I realize this man will be a part of her life forever because they share a child but I think she will be much stronger and able to not take him back if she is busy and starts doing things with other people that she enjoys. What do you think? Get out there and start living or take some time?
POLL: What should this woman's daughter do?
 
67% (744) Get back out there and date as soon as possible
 
32% (363) Stay home and have a cooling-off period.
1107 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
JustAGuy
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 12:24 AM (#59142)

Unless (and until) she gets counseling, it probably doesn't really matter.
If she doesn't take him, she seems likely to find some other man who will treat her badly. She needs professional help to realize that she deserves a better relationship.
The way the question is phrased, I'd vote for cooling off, but the most important thing is professional counseling. If she doesn't like a specific counselor, start shopping around. Offer paying if that's an incentive for her. If she goes to a good one (or even a halfway decent one), she can start the first few appointments saying "I'm here because my Mom made me" and then start making progress anyway.
It would be better if she wants to go, but going to a counselor might be better than not going, regardless.


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LokisGirl
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 06:58 AM (#59144)

I agree with the previous post. I'd also like to say--the mom has a good point, though, in trying to get her daughter busy, because I do think doing other things to get her mind off of this stuff will probably help too. My advice (for what it's worth) would be definitely, get her counseling. Also, probably encourage her to go out and do stuff (is she in school? does she have a job that she could focus on a bit?) but probably not try to start dating again yet. Even if she doesn't jump back into an abusive relationship, she could easily be too gunshy to manage a relationship right now, without some time for *her* (speaking from experience).


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HandEFood
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 07:23 AM (#59146)

I vote for both options.

After a long-term, dead-end relationship, I'd finally had enough and didn't even try to find anyone else. I attended a bit of counseling to deal with the depression. It didn't help me a lot, but it prevented me from sinking further. I found activities to fill my time. Going to the gym helped a lot. Exercise, which I don't get enough of, always makes me feel better.

When the time was right, my now-wife appeared in my life and I've never looked back.


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lwj2
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 08:20 AM (#59147)

Getting on the horse is what got her into trouble in the first place. So to speak.

Having seen this countless times in a twenty-year career in the medical field, the first thing the young lady needs is decent help and a good self-image.

The lady needs support at home from family, hopefully from friends, a decent counselor and for someone to explain to the father of her child in no uncertain terms that it's over.

Personally, I favour the 32" Louisville Slugger S318 in ash; quick action, flexible, packs a wallop. He'll get the message.


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vorlonagent
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 11:21 AM (#59149)

Getting out with friends, yes.

Dating, no.

Counseling first. Dating later. The only way this girl should accept a date from anyone is if two of her friends (that she can trust) sign off on it first.


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TheBigJerk
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, May 13, 2011 - 04:04 PM (#59150)

According to my GED in psychology and relationship counseling, until you learn to be okay with yourself, outside of a codependent relationship, you can't move out of the same bad habits of hitching your wagon to an abusive star.

But I'm an internet person, her therapist probably knows better.


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DavidArgall
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Re: POLL: Get back on the horse? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, May 14, 2011 - 02:19 AM (#59151)

I'll go 50-50. She should neither be trying to avoid dates nor working to get them. She needs to get out of the house at times, and if that ends up in dates, fine. If not also fine for the moment.

   I'm also rather doubtful that professional counseling will help much. It certainly has a high failure rate and the success rate may be consistent with pure chance.


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ErikTheRed
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Neither (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, May 15, 2011 - 08:06 PM (#59154)

If she was in a truly abusive relationship, there is something wrong with her that allowed it to continue. No, I'm not trying to excuse the guy in any way, but the woman also has a responsibility to herself to break away. If she didn't do it, there's a reason (usually self-esteem issues). She needs help with that, probably from a professional, before she'll be ready for another relationship. Otherwise she'll just find a new jerk to abuse her. I've seen this heart-wrenching cycle with many of my female friends. She needs to break the pattern, then start dating again.


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