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POLL RESULTS: Too Soon?: (12 comments)

POLL: Too Soon?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q.: I just got out of a four year long relationship a month ago. It was all great, up until the last two months, when she met someone else, and it fell apart from there. What I'm wondering is, how long should I wait before I venture back out into the dating scene?
POLL: How long should he wait?
 
25% (155) A couple months
 
4% (25) About a year
 
0% (5) A couple years
 
69% (427) As long as it takes
612 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
elseed
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, June 29, 2011 - 12:22 AM (#59509)

If you're wondering out of respect, remember it was basically her who caused the breakup. There's no reason to not "jump back in the saddle." If you're concerned about your feelings, I'd say just give it some time if you don't feel up to it. You'll know when you're ready.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, June 29, 2011 - 03:59 AM (#59512)

Two questions:

* Why wait? The only person whose opinions count here is you. Don't do anything rash on the rebound, but don't hold back because of some odd idea that you're supposed to wait some specific interval before you can see other women. She dumped you, she didn't die on you.

* Did you ever consider that perhaps your previous relationship didn't just "fall apart" but that you might have caused the breakup by not making a definite commitment after four years? Even though you thought it was "all great," obviously she didn't.

When you date other women, eventually you'll talk about this past relationship with them. They may come to the conclusion that you can't commit, and shy away.

Remember Woody Allen's words of wisdom: "A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."


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tilded13
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, June 29, 2011 - 09:22 AM (#59513)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59512):

I agree with Elseed & Murgatroyd's point 1: get back into the dating scene when you are ready as ultimately it's up to you. Both cover the point well so I shall not expand it.

However, I feel Murgatroyd's 2nd point may be invalid. While it may certainly be valid, it's not a conclusion we can actually get from the letter. One cannot assume that either party was seeking some sort of commitment beyond being together. I have seen a couple who are as committed to each other as a married couple yet never actually take that step for any official "commitment" such as marriage. That couple has lasted significantly longer than 4 years including purchasing a house together recently. And yes, I do think that purchasing a house together is a form of commitment but it was about 7 years into the relationship so I feel my point still stands.


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rhahael
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, June 29, 2011 - 11:04 AM (#59514)

Get out right now and start practicing hitting on the first girl you like on the street!


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KaraokeKook
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, June 30, 2011 - 02:51 PM (#59520)

There is no fixed time before you can start dating again.

What you have to make sure of is that you know in your heart that the previous relationship is over. Your new date will not want to compete with an old relationship that is not closed.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, June 30, 2011 - 05:10 PM (#59521)

My advice is don't date until you can't think of anything else but wanting to date someone. If you go into dating feeling desparate, you'll come across as desparate. If you go into dating feeling uncertain, you'll come across as uncertain. If you go into dating just because it is "expected", then it will come across that your heart isn't into it.

What you want to do is go into dating whe you find it to be something fun and more interesting to you than any other competing activity. That sense of interest and enjoyment will make the experience significantly better for both people.

My best advice is that for the moment, discover what is fun and interests you for right now, and dating opportunities will follow naturally.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, June 30, 2011 - 11:48 PM (#59524)

However, I feel Murgatroyd's 2nd point may be invalid. While it may certainly be valid, it's not a conclusion we can actually get from the letter.

Well, I did say "might" and "may."

One cannot assume that either party was seeking some sort of commitment beyond being together.

On the other hand, they aren't together any more, are they?

To counter your anecdote, a good friend of mine started going out with a guy and told him explicitly at the beginning of the relationship that she wanted to maintain her autonomy -- the ideal situation, she said privately to me, would be next-door apartments, because she didn't want any binding commitments. After six months her attitude was, literally, "Dammit, he'd better ask me to marry him by Christmas, or he's toast!"


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TenTonGun
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 01, 2011 - 05:36 AM (#59531)

It depends on how long it takes for you to stop feeling bad about the relationship and however long you want to wait before you want to open yourself up again.

You don't need a relationship to be happy. We're all indoctrinated at an early age that we all need someone in our life in order to be fulfilled. If you want a relationship and you feel you can have a healthy one without bringing up memories of previous relationships, then go for it. Itf you don't want one, then stay by yourself and learn to enjoy being alone again.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 01, 2011 - 11:15 AM (#59534)

Well, the short answer is: whenever you feel ready again.

Sadly, I have some experience with women leaving me for various reasons. And, when somebody you love leaves you, it hurts, and it hurts for a while. I once had a rebound take two years for a relationship that lasted a year and a half. That's part of the experience, and it may comfort you to know the hurt is a good sign - it means it was worth it.

All that said, it's important not to be scared of jumping back in, but it's also important not to rush it. As a friend of mine once told me, it's better to be in no relationship than in a bad one. So, there's no shame in taking a bit longer if you feel you need it, nor is there any shame in getting back into the dating scene quickly if you feel ready.


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new_exp
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jul 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 05:16 PM (#59591)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59512):

Oh. Hee hee. Tee hee hee.

So, I'm the guy who asked the question, and the funny thing is, she refused to consider getting engaged until I finished up with college (which I was okay with). And then we broke up (we, not she) the week of graduation. Great time that was.

We had discussed getting engaged/married/all that, so it wasn't the commitment level. Honestly, it was a case where we'd both molded ourselves to fit the other, and it was good while it lasted, but it wouldn't have lasted forever.

And so you all know, I have recently started seeing a girl, it's going pretty well, and I'll see how it goes!


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new_exp
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jul 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 05:18 PM (#59592)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59524):

Sorry, didn't mean to seem like I was stomping on you, it just amused me that that's what came to mind. I can completely understand though, 4 years is a long time, it just wasn't a real stable portion in either of our lives.


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LonesomeLoser
Lover

Posts: 25

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: Too Soon? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, July 13, 2011 - 11:33 AM (#59616)

Wow, four years and she cold-cocked you?
I doubt it.
She was probably looking for a while.
One punch and you're down? Do you want to explore your feelings, try on some lacy things, go to tea?
You are a man. The fact that you were committed and she wanted to trade up to a better model simply shows that she is a woman and you a man.
Imagine if you had stayed together. She is proven to be manipulative and sneaky. Best you are out


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Discussion: POLL: Too Soon? | Login/Create an Account | 12 comments
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