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POLL RESULTS: Dock blocked?: (16 comments)

POLL: Dock blocked?

Friday, June 17, 2011 - 12:00 AM

FREE Bree DVD + 50% Off A reader writes... Q: I think my wife of 32 years had been cheating on me when she travels on business. I was told by a few friends to discuss my suspicions with her, but every time I bring it up, she denies it. Recently, while at dinner with friends, she mentioned that a year ago she had lunch with a male coworker on his yacht, just the two of them during their lunch break. When I asked her about it later, she said it was just an innocent lunch meeting, that the man wanted to show off his new boat. His boat is about 45 minutes from their work. I think that they dined on each other while on the boat. Isn’t it inappropriate for a married woman to be alone with a single man on his boat, house or any enclosure? Even if everything was innocent? I still love her, but I no longer trust her.
POLL: Is it appropriate for a married woman to be alone with a single man?
 
36% (617) I'm a man, and I say no!
 
50% (856) I'm a man, and I say yes!
 
4% (70) I'm a woman, and I say no!
 
8% (144) I'm a woman, and I say yes!
1687 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 01:50 AM (#59431)

I was told by a few friends to discuss my suspicions with her ...

This is about as un-subtle as a hint can get without being a flat statement: "Your wife is having an affair."

After I found out that my ex-wife was having an affair with her boss, one of the things that annoyed me most was that most of our mutual friends didn't drop me any hints.

"Lunch break"? You're talking 90 minutes of travel time, without any time for actually eating lunch or seeing the boat. Two hours for the excursion, minimum, and probably closer to three. Either they have very flexible hours, or they both called in sick that day and he showed her more than his yacht.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

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Jun 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 04:29 AM (#59432)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59431):

Yeah. With regards to the poll, married women can be around single men without it necessarily being an affair. A quiet "lunch" alone with the logistical hurdles that Murgatroyd details is not one of those situations. That should have entailed a call to the husband for appearance's sake, at least.
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digitrev
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Jul 2010
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 06:27 AM (#59433)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59431):

On the day that this happened, did you ask her how her day was, and when she replied, did she mention the boat viewing? If she made a point to hide it, and only brought it up once you knew the situation, then there's a good chance something is going on here.

Also, with regards to the poll, definitely possible for married and single individuals to hang out, even if there might be some sexual tension. Any relationship is based on trust. If they're not going to respect the basis of your relationship (probably monogamy, but if you're poly, then whatever the basis you have is), then trying to hide them away from people they might be attracted to isn't going to make things better.


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DoubleStar
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Mar 2010
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 08:41 AM (#59434)

You've been married 32 years so you have a long history with your wife. Is this the first time you've noticed problems of this sort, or is this just the latest occurrence? Has she caught you cheating on her before? Depending on those answers there's a greater or lesser chance of this actually being what you think it is.

Regardless, if you don't trust her anymore, you need to talk to her frankly and let her know that. She may be annoyed by your declaration (not just an accusation), but if she really loves you she'll try to work out a compromise with you to help rebuild that trust.

As for married people hanging out with single people, that all depends, just as the others have pointed out. The situation you describe is... difficult to reach an innocent conclusion from, although there are many other situations where it's just fine. Again it all comes down to trust, and if you don't have that anymore, you better rebuild it quick or this relationship's heading for the rocks.


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Raymond
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Jun 2011
Time for acceptance and STD testing (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 10:16 AM (#59436)

This may not be popular opinion, but I'm going to suggest that you simply accept that she's non-monogamous, or try to go back to blissful ignorance (well not quite, more on that later), whichever suits you best.

It doesn't sound like she's having an ongoing emotionally involved affair, but rather discrete casual sex as the occasion arises. If it is an exclusive affair with one individual, I would, in fact, consider that a potentially serious problem. Discrete flings, though? I'd recommend trying to just accept it.

If you can't accept or ignore it, it'll probably fester and you may have to move on, but there's a lot of downside there.

And when I say ignore, I don't mean completely. So long as you two are also still having sex, your personal health is at stake and she owes you some assurance that she's not putting you at risk for her own pleasure. I'd request that she always play safe and get tested regularly if she's not already. Probably a good time to get yourself tested as well.


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eoraptor
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Apr 2011
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 11:46 AM (#59437)

Can a married Woman be alone with a single Man? Of course... It's a little thing called being an adult and worthy of your spouse's trust.

Can THIS woman be alone with a single man? No. As pointed out above, lunch breaks don't take 3 hours. If your friends have told you to address it with her, and she refuses to do so, then you need to start addressing it with a lawyer, because this marriage is over with.


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vorlonagent
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Posts: 55

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Oct 2009
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 12:14 PM (#59438)

OK I'm officially bucking the flow here. "Told by friends to discuss his suspicions with her" could just mean they were tired of hearing Our guy rant endlessly about "his wife is cheating" and what him to go talk to her instead of them and get the matter settled. I'm tired of it already and I just got the summary.

Guy? You've let your fears and suspicions run wild way, Way, WAY too long.

Get hard facts (no pun intended). Since you are way too biased to conduct an evenhanded investigation, I suggest hiring a PI. They do this sort of thing.

The weird thing is now I have the "pattycake" scene from Roger Rabbit running through my head where Roger if confronted with pictures of Jessica.


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zmortis
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Jun 2009
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 17, 2011 - 05:10 PM (#59439)

Is it appropriate for a married woman to be alone with a single man? The answer is - that depends on what they are doing alone together.

As a married guy I generally don't go alone to a single woman's home unless they are a close friend of my family (meaning my wife and child in addition to me). I will go out to lunch with single female co-workers in public, and see no problem with it as long as a professional working behavior is maintained.

The real problem here isn't that your wife might be spending time (professional or social) with a single guy. The problem is that you've had a gut reaction which tells you something is fishy about it, and as a result you've lost your trust in your spouse.

Going forward you have to understand that trust is a very important quality in a marriage, but also understand that your lack of trust isn't a trump card for controlling your spouse's social life, or proof of any wrong doing on her part.

The question for you is this: What are you willing to do to rebuild that trust between you both? Are you willing to ask your wife to go to couples counseling? Are you willing to conceed that your wife might like some legitimate social outlets beyond your immediate circle of approved friends?

If you are not willing to examine your relationship with the help of professional marriage councelors to fix your joint problems with an open mind, then it might well be time to throw in the towel and cut your losses now.

My best advice is give it a chance if you feel that she's still worth your time. If you have already decided she isn't worth your time, then start talking to a divorce lawyer.

I hope this helps.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Nov 2009
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, June 18, 2011 - 09:30 AM (#59440)

I have no idea whether your wife is having an affair, but I know asking her has the following possible answers:
A: She is and admits it.
B: She is and denies it.
C: She isn't and denies it.
D: She isn't and claims it's true.
You know her answer so "A" and "D" are out. Now stuck with "B" or "C" you haven't a clue.
As for your friends responses, there are at least three possibilities:
A: They don't know.
B: They know but aren't telling you.
C: You've bugged them about it too much and they want you to resolve your issues.
As for the issue of whether it's appropriate for a married man or woman (Don't discriminate against women!) to be alone with a single person of the opposite sex (or for that matter, same sex, but gay) it's only appropriate if you realize AND accept the situation doesn't mean you're going to have sex with them. If you can't accept that then I don't care which sex you are no one should be alone with you either.


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NunyaBidness
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Apr 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 18, 2011 - 09:38 AM (#59441)

If Mrs Bidness went to see a yacht, she'd be telling me about it that evening, with photos, gushing over how cool it was, and too bad we can't afford it, and look at this neat thing here.

Oh, she'd also call en route and say, "Guess what I'm doing?"

So I guess visiting a flashy yacht a long way away, with some rich single guy, is not remarkable to your wife.

Either that, or she didn't want to tell you about just how cool it was.

Take your pick.


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Uriko
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Mar 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, June 19, 2011 - 07:57 AM (#59443)

What should be the issue of concern isn't the fact that your wife has seen a co-worker's boat or has spend time with a man for that matter (if we're talking 'innocently' spent time like lunch). Saying that one gender can't be with another gender is a belief that no human being is actually cabable of controlling themselves... and that's kind of sad, isn't it?

As already mentioned, the course for suspicion should be: does she tell you what happens, or does she refuse to indulge you in anything that has happened on her trips? I have a large amount of single male friends, being a female in a relationship myself, and if anything interesting happens (like being on a yacth!) I'd atleast tell my boyfriend afterwards, not keep it to myself. And no, I've never been unfaithful in my life.


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baquiano
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Jun 2011
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 20, 2011 - 09:42 AM (#59447)

First of all, congratulations for having been married (assume mostly happily) for 32 years. Not that many people get that far.

Second, put yourself in the position of your wife. If she hasn't been unfaithful to you in 32 years and now she's trying something new, I think it still makes her somebody that really has been faithful. Menopause is not that far away so her physiological priorities may change.

Finally, put yourself in the position of the other man. If you ask a woman out to a remote boat alone, then... (well, you pretty much get the point).

My advice is to go over what you have achieved so far in 3 decades and talk honestly about resetting your priorities. Besides being married, you're both also human.


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ThatJeff
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Sep 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 20, 2011 - 04:28 PM (#59449)
In Response to DoubleStar (#59434):

I'd have to agree with this guy. You've been married for 32 years? At the very least, you're hitting fifty, and most likely mid-fifty or even sixty. If things have been going well this long, why get bent out of shape over a 'trip to see a yacht?' Maybe you could make the suggestion that the 'three' of you could go look at this 'yacht.'


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DOA
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Jun 2011
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 20, 2011 - 05:05 PM (#59450)

Weather you have a reasons to be worried or not, you need to have a talk with your wife and soon. (a sit down, this is serious talk) If you don't she is going to keep doing the same things and your trust and relationship are headed for disaster.

You need to let her know that it bothered you and why. Listen to her side, and then the two of you need come to some sort of rules or boundaries so that you both are comfortable. If she won't talk or refuses to come to a solution that satisfies both of you things are back to the first result and your marriage is going to have serious trouble.


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Murgatroyd
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Jan 2008
Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 21, 2011 - 03:48 AM (#59454)

You need to let her know that it bothered you and why. Listen to her side, and then the two of you need come to some sort of rules or boundaries so that you both are comfortable. If she won't talk or refuses to come to a solution that satisfies both of you things are back to the first result and your marriage is going to have serious trouble.

Or if she really is having an affair, she might just lie. (I speak from experience.) He's already asked her point-blank if she's having an affair, and she denies it. If she really has been cheating, a frank talk won't do any good.

Since they've been married for 32 years, she might have reasons to want to stay married but still keep an affair going on the side. If they have children, she might not want to admit to them that she's been unfaithful. Or she might find it convenient to be married and have access to her husband's bank account. A divorce is terribly inconvenient; she might not want to divide up their shared assets or to sell the house that they're living in.

On the other hand, other than the yacht incident, does the husband have any evidence at all to make him suspect that his wife is cheating? That isn't clear. It may be that he's irrationally suspicious.

Still, that yacht thing is troubling, especially since she didn't mention it to her husband when it happened.


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spzeidler
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Re: Dock blocked? (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, June 26, 2011 - 09:57 AM (#59491)

If the husband has been pestering his wife with his jealousy long enough she may no longer feel like telling him -anything-, since she knows beforehand that he'll cry "adultery" if she as much as steps out of the house without him in tow.

I would not at all be surprised if the wife, not the husband, started divorce proceedings over this trust issue. "Did you do X" - "no" - "I don't believe you" is less than charming, especially if kept up as a chorus.


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