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POLL RESULTS: Temptation Next Door: (11 comments)

POLL: Temptation Next Door

Friday, July 08, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My husband and I have been married for two years. About six months ago, we moved to another city for his job. I haven’t been able to find a job for myself yet. Meanwhile, we’ve become good friends with a couple in our new neighborhood. The woman works and her husband works from home. We’ve shared dinner with them a half dozen times. Here’s the problem: I am strongly attracted to this man and he to me. We’ve only been alone twice, once when he was dropping off something he borrowed and another time at his house. Both times, the sexual tension was so strong it was unbearable. I am sick over this. I can’t tell my husband. We can’t afford to move. But I don’t know how long I can hold out. I fantasize about this man. Help!
POLL: What should she do about her tempting neighbor?
 
3% (71) Move to a different neighborhood. It's cheaper than a divorce.
 
22% (473) Talk to your husband about your attraction.
 
2% (53) Supress the emotion. It will go away.
 
3% (73) A little next-door nookie never hurt.
 
11% (230) Just make sure you're never, ever alone with this guy.
 
56% (1162) If you're this easily tempted, you need to fix something in your marriage
2062 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 02:16 AM (#59577)

Being attracted to other people isn't wrong or unusual even if you are married, but being so strongly attracted to someone that you just can't even bear being alone with them is a problem. It could just be that you're bored and looking for some attention at times your husband can't give it to you. Find something to do, like volunteering, outside of the house during the hours your husband is away until you can find a job and maybe you won't have time to think about who you might be able to sleep with besides your husband. Or maybe you just need to have morning sex.


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 03:39 AM (#59578)
In Response to Amanda (#59577):

It's wiser to stay away from the neighbor, especially being alone with him, and all the better to keep yourself busy as Amanda suggested. The fact that you haven't acted on this is a plus on your side, but you have to also ask yourself: Do you love your husband? Do you really want to hurt him and your marriage with a sexual attraction that's prone to burn out?

Hopefully, seeing as you two have been married for only a couple of years, this answer will be yes. It's important to keep that on the forefront of your mind.

Now, as to sharing this with him? It's your decision, but if it's making you incredibly uncomfortable, then it may be prudent to talk with him. And yeah, it's going to hurt him, that can't be helped. The problems with telling him means that he may not react so well to it. Or to you. Or to your neighbor. And what if he tells the wife, too? It may be more beneficial if you were to tell your neighbor: I love my husband, I don't want to break my marriage, or yours, and I can't see this friendship as anything more.

Hopefully your neighbor will understand and make matters easier for you both. If he keeps pressing his luck, then it could be that he wants an excuse to cheat on his wife (and how do you know he hasn't done it before?) or that he's willing to use you and has no concern for your marriage.


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Toasty_Mallow
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jul 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 05:51 AM (#59580)

You say that you are attracted to this man and don't know how much longer you can hold out. But surely there must be something unsatisfying about your current relationship that makes you have those feelings? Otherwise, why would you stray? I think it's pertinent that you mention that you moved for your husband's job and that you can't find a job in this new city first. I'm guessing you also haven't made a lot of other friends in this new city. Change, isolation and inability to find a job can all be stresses on you and your relationship. Have a think about what is currently unsatisfying in your marriage and life situation and see what you can do to change things. And if you are unhappy please talk to your husband about them. While you might feel guilty because you think you are not being supportive of him and his new job it's something you should work together on because your life is shared with his - and part of that is sharing some of your worries and anxieties with each other.

I do agree with rorirose and it would be best to avoid your neighbour to avoid temptation and putting yourself in an bad position.

Best of luck


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Raymond
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 10:02 AM (#59583)

Firstly, I strongly disagree that your sexual attraction to this man necessarily means something is wrong with your marriage. Everyone's marriage has room for improvement, but even if yours were perfect, my opinion is you'd still be attracted to this man.

Definitely get this out in the open, though. The secrecy will only compound your desires. Once you've had an honest discussion with your husband and a frank conversation with the other guy (with your husband with you), both conversations simply acknowledging your attraction, you may find that the attraction dissipates and becomes much more manageable. Secrecy and taboo can seriously heighten sexual feelings - get it out it in the open and it may just deflate.

If the attraction and lust persist after that, it gets a little tricky, but my own recommendation is to indulge it. Ideally, have the permission and maybe even participation of your husband. A lot of guys are truly into sharing their wives. If your hubby isn't one of them, then I still say go for it but be absolutely discreet and never ever tell your husband no matter how guilty you do or don't feel afterward. Your husband doesn't own your sexuality, but there's absolutely no good for either of you to inflict him with the knowledge of your fling.


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Ujjayi
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jul 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 10:09 AM (#59584)

You say that you and your husband moved 6 months ago, and you haven't been able to find work. I think that's your real issue.

Assuming that you had a job before the move, what you have now is unspent energy and time on your hands. The job market is scary right now, and finding work can be tough.

I'm sure the guy is attractive, and I agree with other commenters that such feelings are natural. I think that you need to feel good about yourself because of the lack of work and the fear of rejection in the marketplace, so you're using this guy to boost your ego.

On top of that, at least if you're like me, part of your self-esteem is contributing to your relationship financially. Being out of work can make you feel less desirable, even if your spouse's feelings for you are still strong.

We all need to feel good about ourselves, and someone desirable finding us attractive makes us feel good.

Occupy yourself. Make sure you're getting out and meeting new people at networking events. Join Toastmasters. Go to Chamber of Commerce meetings (boring as heck mostly, but good networking). Research local employers and schedule informational interviews. Volunteer.

You'll be working in no time, and this will become a silly crush that makes you laugh.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 10:16 AM (#59586)

Raymond is right. Anyone who thinks work can replace sex is wrong. Get it in the open diplomatically, and it reduces the tension.


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 10:40 AM (#59587)

The others make good points which are not to be ignored. However, there really isn't a "correct" solution, only what works best for you.

Most people don't like to admit this even to themselves let alone anyone else, but the fact is that marriage exists precisely *because* of this problem. For those few who never end up being attracted to another person while married, great. But for the rest of us, life doesn't work that way. There is no single perfect person out there for you - in fact there are LOTS of them; otherwise nobody would ever fall in love again and remarry after their first spouse died. You *will* come across more than one of them in your life, and odds are good you will come across more than one at a time - like now. And for those exceptional few who are capable of polygamous relationships without jealousy, again great. But for the rest of us, we need the institution of marriage.

People today tend to misunderstand marriage; it isn't for declaring or even reaffirming one's love to another, although it does do that. Instead - and far more importantly - it is declaring one will *remain faithful* to the other, while acknowledging that hardships *will* occur. How one remains faithful is up to each person individually; there is no one solution.

For myself, I had to simply never be alone with that other person I was attracted to. As much as I wish I could have told my wife and shared that burden, I believe my wife would have had a particularly hard time with my attraction to this person, probably even more than me - and I wasn't willing to put that burden on her as long as I could hold out on my own, which I managed (and still manage) to do, hard as it is sometimes. It helped me immensely when the other person moved away, although we are all still good friends who occasionally meet back up, so the temptation and the emotions attached to it have never completely gone away, and won't - the simple fact is, I love that person, as much as I love my wife, so it's pointless for me to try to supress the emotion. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with my marriage either; it simply means that I'm human, because much as folks prefer not to acknowledge this, it *is* possible to be attracted to or even in love with more than one person at a time; happens all the time, in fact, even if most folks don't recognize it for what it is. Were it not for my wife, I could *easily* see myself in a relationship with the other person. But it's not as if I love my wife any less because of it; I love her too, just as much, and she is who I dedicated myself to. So, I have to *choose* not to let things go any further.

And really, that's what it all comes down to. As humans we can *choose* who we will be with, no matter how badly our hormones jerk us around. I *chose* to be faithful to my wife till death do us part, and that's exactly what I continue doing, hard as it sometimes is when I'm around that other person. And hard as it is, you can too. Figure out what else will work for you to help you do that, but in the end it's simply a choice; you just gotta chose to do so.


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KingPain
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 08, 2011 - 11:13 AM (#59588)

I agree with DoubleStar, you will find people attractive, and hardships will occur. The question is, do you love your husband? If the answer is yes, as I hope it would be since you're asking for help, then you need to not act on these lustful feelings. Ever.

Darkstar also makes another good point, you know your spouse. Will he be able to handle the fact that you are attracted to this guy? If not, you may have to bear it in silence. If he can, sit down and explain it to him. He needs to know so that he can avoid making your life stressfull unintentionally.

Once you find a job, this may just clear up on it's own. You may indeed just have extra energy and a need to belong to something. Being recently unemployed can do that, especially if you don't have a net of friends who can fill in the void until you are again employed.

Good luck.


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dromeciomimus
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
May 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, July 13, 2011 - 01:03 AM (#59610)

Most of the posters are giving good advice, but I'm going to have to strenuously disagree with Raymond here. There's a reason affairs so often destroy marriages. Some people genuinely are capable of open relationships, but many more think that they are, only to find that they've become more emotionally involved than they intended, or that jealousy and mistrust are poisoning the relationships. Your husband may not own your sexuality, but you do, and you made him a promise when you married. If that promise included sexual fidelity, and he's not willing to relieve you of that promise, than an affair is a heinous betrayal of his emotional, physical, medical, and possibly spiritual trust. "I knew you wouldn't approve, so I lied to you" does NOT make it OK, and you shouldn't let yourself be fooled into thinking otherwise. If you have an affair, you may well be destroying your marriage, and your neighbor's. Whatever you choose, do it with your eyes open. "I only cheated on you and lied to you for your own good, baby?" Please.

It sounds to me like the first thing you have to decide is whether or not your marriage is worth fighting for. Seriously think it over. Divorce may be sticky at this point, but not as ugly as it will be after kids are involved, (and it doesn't sound like they are yet.) If this marriage is a mistake, better to discover that now, for both your sake and your husbands. If you're not prepared to give up your husband, (or at least your legal/financial relationship,) then you have some hard work ahead of you. Good luck.


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LonesomeLoser
Lover

Posts: 25

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, July 13, 2011 - 11:29 AM (#59615)

You seem to have some issues (issues, more like a freaking subscription!)

It is one or more of your husband is not quite the man you thought he was. Whether it is his attentiveness to you (sorry ladies, men have to work to afford the shinies you want to stick around), his lovemaking (snnnzzz...huh? Are you done?) or you are just horny and he is not a machine (have you though of getting one?)

You moved because of his job. You are getting the feeling you sacrificed your world (friends, family in previous city) for him and have not been rewarded enough for this

You want to reward yourself with this new neighbour and also to punish your husband for his success at his career. (And, before any women complain about this, if the situation were reversed you would be telling him to man up and be faithful but you want cake and dessert too)


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smparadox
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Mar 2009
Re: Temptation Next Door (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, July 16, 2011 - 02:23 AM (#59631)
In Response to Raymond (#59583):

I definitely agree with indulging the lust, although I am not sure about discussing it with her husband first. Sometimes a little selfishness and a little guilt afterwards can spice up a marriage and make it more rewarding for both parties.
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