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POLL RESULTS: Does She Like Me?: (13 comments)

POLL: Does She Like Me?

Friday, July 29, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... I'm in my mid 20's and haven't had a relationship where I had such a strong connection with a woman. She says how special I am to her and how much she likes me. However, many times she is too busy to go out or she'll cancel (I don't know how many of her excuses are legitimate). We talk throughout the day at work on instant messenger (work IM) and we have gone out about 5 times after we met about 6 weeks ago. We also meet for lunch once or twice a week. I'm wondering if she really likes me, because it seems like so many other things take priority. She said we are exclusive but doesn't want to label us boyfriend/girlfriend yet. Am I being too hasty? She has also been hurt pretty bad by a past relationship and I'm wondering if she's afraid to start committing to another serious relationship. Is she taking advantage of me, or does she like me but is afraid to commit? What do you think?
POLL: It sounds like this woman...
 
30% (397) ...has a fear of commitment
 
14% (192) ...likes you
 
37% (499) ...is pretty typical
 
17% (231) ...is trying to tell you something.
1319 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 03:24 AM (#59697)

I'm wondering if she really likes me, because it seems like so many other things take priority.

It's called "being an adult." Her world doesn't revolve around you -- not yet, maybe not ever.

She said we are exclusive but doesn't want to label us boyfriend/girlfriend yet.
Am I being too hasty?

Yes. Six weeks and five dates aren't enough exposure for her to make a commitment to you.

She has also been hurt pretty bad by a past relationship and I'm wondering if she's afraid to start committing to another serious relationship.

Well, duh!

Is she taking advantage of me, or does she like me but is afraid to commit?

"Taking advantage of you?" If you're going out with her, you should be doing it because you like to be with her. You shouldn't feel as though you have to bribe her to get her to like you.

It seems to me that she's being much more adult about this than you are. You've decided, on the basis of five dates and six weeks' acquaintance, that she should commit to you. She, sensibly enough, is not ready to put you at the center of her universe. Grow up.


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sureal
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
May 2008
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 06:27 AM (#59699)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59697):

Murgatroyd's tone might be a little harsh, but the assessment is spot on. She hasn't known you two months, that would be fast to establish a steady relationship, if she hadn't been hurt in the past. If you're happy spending time with her, then she's not taking advantage of you. Life and love are not races, if you really like this girl, take it as slow as she needs to.


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 09:17 AM (#59701)

Also must agree with Murgatroyd's slightly harsh assessment. Keep in mind that folks who have been hurt tend to grow from that, but depending on how recent it was she will likely be even more hesitant to get too serious. Unless you both have been acquainted longer than you've been dating, you guys have barely begun to be friends, and right now she's still getting comfortable with who you are, trying to decide if you're someone she can respect, and just as importantly if you're someone who will respect her. Are you deserving of her trust in you and can she really trust you with her heart? All of those can only be gained with time, much more time IMO than you've spent so far.

Beyond that, do you trust her? All the other things that seem to take priority, are they legitimate (at least for her), or do you feel like you're being strung along? It sounds like you're much more ready for a deeply committed relationship than she is, and are feeling frustrated because she's more hesitant about it. Even so, that doesn't mean she doesn't like you, just that she's more cautious about it. It's also possible that she senses that you are impatient about the progress of things, and considering she's been badly hurt in the past, that all by itself is likely setting off warning alarms for her, wondering if perhaps you just want to use her and then dump her.

One thing that helped me immensely in the past, and may help you too if you can manage it - for now, just try to be friends, nothing more. I used to exude such an aura of desperation when it came to dating that it was almost palpable (though I didn't know it at the time), and it tended to scare off everyone I dated, later if not sooner. Eventually I grew despondent, and with the next girl I met whom I liked I finally gave up. I gave up on wondering if she liked me, or where things were going, or worrying about doing something that might offend her, and just decided to be myself and be friends; she'd either like me for who I was or not, and if not then it wasn't meant to be. Well, amazingly enough things just settled into their own natural pace, because neither of us was feeling pressured about trying to decide where or if things were going anywhere. I married that girl.

At the same time, however, pay attention to your own feelings, because they matter just as much. Another of my friends has been in a relationship for 2 years and she's still not ready to commit to anything more than being lovers, while he is getting impatient and wants to move on in the relationship - and understandably so at this point. So only you can decide how long is too long, and whether it's time to put up or shut up. In your particular case, however, I'd say give it a bit more time.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 03:00 PM (#59702)

Murgatroyd is too dang nice.
You sound like this is your first serious relationship. Five dates in six weeks and you think this qualifies you for special treatment. What are you striving for, stalker with benefits? Back off.


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DOA
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 03:50 PM (#59703)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59697):

First off don't stress so much about the boyfriend/girlfriend label. My wife absolutely hated those and refused to ever use them, I still married her. Exclusive is just as good, it means you are her only romantic connection.

Also you are coming across as a bit paranoid and perhaps needy. Remember she has family, friends, work and other commitments she needs to take care of. So relax and enjoy getting to know her.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 05:04 PM (#59704)

What do you want?

Do you want her to drop her entire life and be at your beck and call? If that is the case, then I have to tell you it just isn't going to happen.

The problem you have is you care too much too early. You're over compensating for your past failure, and you are clearly not ready yet for a serious realtionship because after only five dates you are already starting to smother this poor girl.

The solution? Back off.

Keep going on dates, but don't call her first, make each date her idea. Wait for her to get in touch with you, and never ask what she's up to when you're not together. From this point forward her life is none of your business except the time spent in your presence.

If after a year or so the two of you decide to co-habitate, then you can consider yourselves a couple, and possibly pay more attention to her extra-curicular activities.

My best advice. Don't try to start settling down after only six weeks. You'll only end up driving her away.

I hope this helps.


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rhahael
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Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 07:19 PM (#59705)

She's Lying to you. No one really interested in a committed relationship leave it for last priority. She have all the right not to enter a steady relationship, but to tell you you're exclusive means to expect the same from you. But then expect exclusiveness and leave you in the cold is just dishonest; she could quite well say you're just hooking, tell straight face that she doesn't have time for relationships or whatever is actually happening.


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delzoup
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, July 29, 2011 - 08:32 PM (#59706)

To me, constant IM + 1-2 lunch dates a week + 5 dates in 6 weeks is a lot of time. How much more time do you need from her? Frequent, late cancellations are troubling--but I don't know if she does that or not from your post.

Boyfriend means a guy that I am dating right now. Exclusive means the only one I am dating right now. You have what you want: don't worry so much about what it's called.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, July 30, 2011 - 01:21 AM (#59707)

One thing that hasn't come up is, how long was that previous relationship of hers, the one that went bad? Do you know the timeline?

Horrendously busy is reasonably likely to be legit. Sometimes things just keep coming up, and you have to deal with them, and they take up all the time you'd hoped to have for personal or relationship stuff.

Different people give different meanings to different words. Some people don't consider it a date unless there's sex. Others consider it a date if two people of opposite sex meet up for coffee, and each buy their own.

It sounds like she doesn't want to put labels on the relationship because she may want to keep its definition fluid, and is trying not to put her heart on the line when it's still bleeding from the previous clown. But she's giving you exclusivity (what in the 50's they called "going steady"), which is no small thing after what for her (and most people) is potentially a small amount of time.

Some times relationships run full circle in six weeks, or less, from meet to love to loathe. Other take years, or over a decade even, to do the same. Some never reach an ending, while others go around in circles. For now, enjoy the time you have together, and hopefully that amount of time will also improve over time.


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, July 30, 2011 - 03:07 AM (#59708)
In Response to DanialArin (#59707):

She is spending a whole lot of time with you, so unless she is a real masochist, she likes you. As much as you want her to? Maybe some day.
Right now I would not be shocked at there being another man, or men. If that really bothers you, investigate, or shut your eyes tight shut. She is not going to dump them for you at this time.
As others have suggested, it is likely best to relax and enjoy the ride for now.


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AlternateAdvocate
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, August 01, 2011 - 03:21 PM (#59715)

Murgatroyd had it almost right... Take a deep breath and sit down about to lay some universal truth on you brother. "It's called being a woman". It's not Politically Correct to say so but this is just the sort of thing you're going to have to get used to unless you're planning to take up an "alternate lifestyle", and maybe even then.

First, It's too soon to worry about it. Six weeks is nothing at all.

Second, It can be a test. There will be lots of tests in your lifetime. It can be something a woman comes up with on her own or the latest "How to tell if your relationship is on the right track" article she read in a magazine. It could be something she heard from a friend that seemed like a good idea at the time.

Three, if you're expecting things to be fair, give it up. There's going to be times she expects extra considerations for being a woman that you don't get for being a guy. There are going to be times she wants to be treated like one of the boys. She doesn't have to tell you which of those times this is. And yes you have to get it right or she can get mad at you. No you can't get mad back. Deal with it. Oh, and no you absolutely can NOT point out that this is a logical contradiction and that things will change. Yeah right get ready to be lonely.

Bottom line in the tl/dr? As guys we put up with this situation because in the end they are worth it. And the little glitches are just bumps in the road, if you take it all in stride where you end up is where you want to be.

Want to play it safe then stick to the basics. "I'm totally cool that plans changed, I understand these things happen. I hung out with the guys for a while so that was fun but I did think of you when X happened." X is fill in the blank. I was having fun and that made me think of you. Period, enough to let her know that you do think about her when you're not with her, it's not total out of sight is out of mind. But that you also get that you're two separate people and you can exist apart. Oh and don't just fake the attitude live it, learn to mean it. Then whether this is the relationship or it's the next one or the one 10 down the road from now you'll be ready to handle it.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, August 03, 2011 - 03:40 AM (#59725)

I suspect it isn't a test.

I think that either she's legitimately busy, or else she's starting to have second thoughts about him and is beginning to back off a bit.

And why would she have misgivings? Well, she's spent a huge amount of time with him and talking with him, when you consider that this relationship is six weeks old ... and still he wants more from her, and he's worried about whether she's "taking advantage" of him.

He also seems to think that she should just be able to ignore the wounds from her previous relationship and immediately commit to him, apparently because he's just so darned wonderful. To me this this comes across as more than a bit uncaring and self-centered. The most charitable explanation is that this guy is very inexperienced and has never been hurt in a relationship. Empathy often has to be learned.

Reverse the roles. If the Original Poster were a woman, I suspect most of of the guys here would characterize her as "needy and clingy" with unrealistic expectations, and would advise the object of her attentions to be wary. Well, guess what? Most women -- other than the very insecure or neurotic ones -- don't find these characteristics particularly endearing in a man.

However, many times she is too busy to go out or she'll cancel (I don't know how many of her excuses are legitimate).

He also doesn't trust her. Oh yeah, that's a great way to develop a relationship.


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lwj2
Lover

Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Does She Like Me? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, August 22, 2011 - 08:08 AM (#59848)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#59697):

Well-said, Murgatroyd.


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