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POLL RESULTS: Been there... done that...: (11 comments)

POLL: Been there... done that...

Friday, September 02, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q: My significant other and I have been seeing each other for 12 years. After six years of great sex she started pulling back. She referred to my petting as grabbing. She never really liked to kiss. Then she stopped having intercourse. There was no conversation about the impact on me. Now any and all intimacy is gone. I consider myself a touchy-feely man and I miss the closeness. I’ve kept seeing her, hoping that she would change, but she hasn’t. I am 73 years old. She is 64, attractive and physically active and takes care of her health. She refuses to seek counseling. I feel that if I break up with her she will be hurt, but wonder if I should just do what is right for me.

POLL: This guy should
 
71% (989) ...ask his partner what's wrong.
 
0% (3) ...wait it out. She's warm up.
 
1% (16) ...try something new in the bedroom.
 
27% (380) ...move on.
1388 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
rhahael
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 10:33 AM (#59942)

" There was no conversation about the impact on me."

Then why are you still looking for excuses to keep an egoistic person with you? Will she be hurt? Maybe. Are YOU hurt? You say so; and then check if she bothers to acknowledge the effects of her selfish decision on you.


Locked profile
BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 10:45 AM (#59943)

Well, in "there was no conversation..." what do you belive you should be doing?

There could be a wide array of reasons.
A lot of women from your generation have the paradigm, and quite often also the wish, that the need for sex will stop at some time in the progressing age.
Some of them are simply glad to have it over with. Those are mostly the gals who found it hard to enjoy intimacy during their whole life.
Or think, that it is weird to continue, once you have gotten old. It is one of the cultural ideas we westerners have - sexuality is for the People aged 14-50, no bodily, sexual sensuality before or after. Wrong of course, as more than one study shows.
Not all people fell that way, though.
I do happen to know that my parents aged in their mid-seventies still enjoy one another well enough regularly.

But maybe she might like to, but your breath is not as fresh as it used to be? Or BO - elder men tend to become more pungent. Or you`ve become repugnat in some other ways in her eyes?
Or she is ashamed of her own bodily decay?

Talk with her, man!
Else, you will never know.

And if she tells you that she simply does not want to have bodily intimacy anymore, then is the time to point out that you do, want and need it.

Once she denies you this need it is time to think about splitting - not before.

And even then - Where I in your place, I would think very, very deeply on all the non-sexual benefits of twelve shared years.
Maybe she would even accept you seaching for an affair, if your need is that urgent.

Talk, talk, talk.
It is obviously her decision, but try to understand why she made it, and if it is final,


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Matato
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 12:44 PM (#59944)

Can I just say you made my day? At the ancient age of 43 I'm finally noticing I'm not as young as I used to be, and sometimes worry what 73 will be like. To know that that you're fit enough mentally and physically to be concerned that you're not getting enough lovin', we'll, in a way, that's kind of awesome! However, even at 43 I'd say life is too short not to be getting the love you want and deserve. At 73 you may only get another 30 trips around the sun or so. Six years is long enough. She won't discuss things with you or get help. She has no desire to change. At this point it seems like you're together out of habit. It's time to move on!


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 02:31 PM (#59945)

Pretty much. Make a good effort to understand what's going on with her.

Question: If she won't seek conseling, have you guys actually discussed this, just not its effect on you?

It's high time to make a change. A change of dialogue a change of actions a change of partners.

In fact it's past time.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 04:46 PM (#59946)

Is there anything she does bring to the realtionship to make it worthwhile? If not, then move on to someone else. If yes, then figure out if going without is worth what she does bring.

It just doesn't look like she is ever going to be giving you that anymore.


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Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 02, 2011 - 07:58 PM (#59948)
In Response to rhahael (#59942):

Yeah, I was going to vote for "ask her about it" but...six years on and this S.O. doesn't seem to want to know how this affects the question submitter? Move on. You have your needs, and this person isn't fulfilling them or even worrying about yours.
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swartzer
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, September 03, 2011 - 01:16 AM (#59950)
In Response to rhahael (#59942):

Rhahael, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions on what kind of person she is. "There was no conversation about..." is extremely vague and passive wording, and makes me wonder what's really going on. It could mean anything from "I bring it up every day and she won't respond" to "I haven't said anything because she's the one who should bring it up."

How the heck are we supposed to answer if we don't even know that much?

So, to the original questioner: for Pete's sake talk to her and explain how you feel. If you've been as passive with her as you were when you wrote us, she probably doesn't know how serious this is to you, or even that it's a problem at all!

On the other hand, if you've tried several times recently to bring it up and she shuts you down every time, then you definitely have cause for complaint.

Consider approaching it as, "I keep trying to talk about this really important issue in our relationship but you act like it's nothing. Why is that?" Keep the issue about her reluctance to talk, and make sure she knows that the relationship may be at stake.

If she still won't talk, you can leave with a clear conscience. She'll still be hurt, but you gave her a fair chance.

But if she is willing to talk, then talk! Keep it positive, and praise her as much as you can; and above all listen to what she has to say and encourage her to keep talking. Make sure she knows she's important to you and that you want to save the relationship.

Then you can bring up the lack of sex and maybe you'll finally find out what's really going on.

Good luck!


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, September 03, 2011 - 11:31 AM (#59954)

After menopause women's skin tends to become thinner, including the membrane lining the vaginal canal. Even when lubricated the vaginal walls are easily irritated by coitus. Orgasms are still possible, but may not be worth the pain later. If most of your affection has been a lead up to sex (some men use affection as a precursor to sex) she may not want to put up with several days of pain/irritation for minutes of pleasure.

The two of you should discuss the items you noted here so you have resolution. It's possible your relationship will only continue with little or no sex. In which case you might have to take the situation in hand every day or so. Spend some time with yourself as it were. Shake hand with your best buddy.


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LonesomeLoser
Lover

Posts: 25

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, September 04, 2011 - 12:20 AM (#59964)

You are a man - she is a woman

You cannot win - always remember that, as a man, your feelings mean nothing to her

When a woman says she wants a man to share his feelings, she is saying she wants him to pad her ego


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, September 06, 2011 - 06:49 PM (#59973)

It could be hormonal. The thyroid especially can screw up memory, sensation, interest and can even create the appearance of depression or selfishness. The sufferer really isn't aware that there's a problem with someone else.

Or it could be depression.

Find a good counselor and plan to go. Be persuasive. If she refuses, move on with regret.


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swartzer
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Been there... done that... (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, September 07, 2011 - 10:00 PM (#59977)
In Response to LonesomeLoser (#59964):

LonesomeLoser: That much bitterness has got to have a story behind it. Care to share? It must be a real doozy.


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