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POLL RESULTS: Cheating in Plain Sight?: (9 comments)

POLL: Cheating in Plain Sight?

Friday, September 09, 2011 - 12:00 AM


>Q: I’ve been in a relationship with a great girl for almost two years. About six months ago, during an evening involving drinking, we ended up in a three-way with an unhappily married friend of hers. It’s been wild, the girls are both into me, not each other, sexually. They both like to please and be pleased. We’ve continued to get together until jealousy reared its ugly head. While I haven’t been with our friend outside of the three of us, my girlfriend has accused me of cheating. Any suggestions on how to keep the peace (and the fun)?

POLL: How does he keep the piece (and the peace)?
 
46% (941) You don't. You had a threeway and now it's over. Count your blessings.
 
50% (1031) Start with the talking, and lots of it. It's your only chance. Establish ground rules for the next time -- and stick to them.
 
2% (59) Who needs her? You've got a spare. And she's into some pretty wild stuff!
2031 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 09, 2011 - 05:01 AM (#59987)

Whether you knew it or not, there was jealousy from the beginning. It could be that your girlfriend allowed this because (a.) it's her friend and (b.) she wants to please you. But the fact that it continued obviously displeased her and now she's afraid that you're getting bored with her... or she's looking elsewhere and getting bored with you and the potential that you won't settle with one person.

You should discuss with her why she feels this way first and foremost, but I'm betting it's also time to end the threesomes. She is jealous because she wants your attention. Time to start giving that attention back to her and make her feel like she's all the female you need.


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Gallows
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Posts: 9

Registered:
Aug 2011
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 09, 2011 - 09:17 AM (#59989)

This is why I avoid threesomes as a rule. Too many elements involved, can go south VERY quickly. People get jealous, ignored, hurt. No good comes out of threesomes.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 09, 2011 - 09:39 AM (#59991)

Rorirose has it. She did it to please you, but is hoping you're bored with it and will want to stop. Talk about it, ask questions rather than telling her, until you know where she stands, and SHE knows where she stands.


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Coanunn
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 09, 2011 - 09:32 PM (#59995)

I'm in a poly-amourous relationship. Everything and I mean everything comes down to communication. I would guess your girlfriend never wanted it to go beyond the first time and any subsequent times were about her pleasing you by allowing the other woman to be involved. I don't say this because I know, but simply based on the fact they aren't interested in each other at all.

Start by simply asking the basic questions. You may not like the answers but better to know now than to find out later.

If Poly is something you want to indulge in for life, my warning is all three people have to be just ass invested in each other as they are the group. It never works if anyone in the group has low self esteem or likes one more than another.


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swartzer
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Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, September 10, 2011 - 03:49 PM (#59999)
In Response to rorirose (#59987):

You need to communicate; always, always communicate. Even more so in a situation like this.

If you want to keep your girlfriend, be prepared to give up the threesomes. You got something most guys never get, and if you keep your girlfriend when it's done, you're way ahead of the game.

Take a break in the threesomes; it will probably help if you are the one to suggest it. Be honest with the other woman about it, then spend time focusing on your girlfriend and never, ever be alone with the other woman.

If you spend long enough reassuring your girlfriend and proving that you are worthy of trust, then maybe, if you are very, very lucky, she'll suggest inviting the other woman into things again. Don't count on it, though, and definitely don't bring it up yourself; that's one way to make sure it never happens.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, September 12, 2011 - 12:10 PM (#60005)

if, and I admit it is, cheating is having sex with someone other than your significant other, then a threesome is cheating. (Remember when we had the discussion establishing that while a BJ isn't sexual intercourse it is sex?) Having admitted it's cheating I must say your significant other's condemnation of you for participating in a threesome she set up ignores her complicity in the act. Of course you chose to participate (It would be difficult, but not impossible, to find a guy who wouldn't.) so you're culpable too.
Your significant other seems easily swayed, she wanted to help her friend, she's hurt by you assisting her. I suggest your relationship with will be a capital "A" adventure should it be long term, but stay away from other women. Good luck.


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UrbanPagan
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Posts: 3

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, September 12, 2011 - 06:31 PM (#60008)

I don't agree that cheating is defined by having sex with someone else; cheating is defined by lying. I say this because I, too, am poly and have never cheated on my wife, nor has she cheated on me - our marriage is built on trust and communication, not monogamy.

I also don't agree that threesomes always go bad, as I've had experiences otherwise. However, Gallows could just as easily be correct that threesomes always go bad for monogamous folks. I simply don't know that side of it.

The simple fact is that whether monogamous or poly, the only answer to this problem is communication. rorirose and the others are likely correct, that it happened once for fun, and your gf probably is having a problem with it being an arrangement rather than a single experience. Unless you start talking, you'll only have speculation, not answers.

However, I find it disconcerting that no one is pointing out that there is someone cheating in this situation, and that is the woman in the unhappy marriage. Unless she has formally split with her husband and the divorce is just pending, no matter how unhappy the marriage is, if she's not telling him that she's having threesomes with another couple, she's cheating on him. In the exact same situation, I wouldn't have gotten into bed with her the first time, with or without my wife there, if she was still in a marriage with monogamous vows.


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Gallows
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Posts: 9

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Aug 2011
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, September 12, 2011 - 08:47 PM (#60010)
In Response to UrbanPagan (#60008):

Yeah, I'm monogamous. Or would like to be, I just need the woman first to be monogamous again.

I think the fact that the other woman is cheating on her husband, unhappy relationship or not is one factor of our subject's woman's fear. One person is cheating already, the other isn't far behind.

I say end the relationship with the other woman, avoid being alone with her and prove yourself. Or just become a monk and get it over with.


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lwj2
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Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Cheating in Plain Sight? (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, September 13, 2011 - 07:10 AM (#60014)

First, you need communication -- with all three of you.

Second, the relationship with the second lady and her husband needs to be resolved.

I'd say you have a chance as a trio, but it's a lot closer to a snowball's in hell at present unless and until all the issues are resolved.

One last comment: relationships that have a foundation of "an evening involving drinking" -- bad idea all around.


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