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POLL RESULTS: Not too Hot to Trot: (16 comments)

POLL: Not too Hot to Trot

Friday, September 16, 2011 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes... Q. My wife had back surgery but it hasn't limited her activity level. For example, she can still ride her horse 2-3 times weekly. However, if I try to touch her she pulls into a turtle position. The "don't touch me" is pretty obvious. When I asked her if there was a problem, the response was that she'd never be able to have sex after the surgery. And here I sit scratching my head with how many more years of bliss ahead of me?

?
POLL: What should he do?
 
9% (169) If he's gonna stay married, learn to live without sex.
 
34% (622) Find a good divorce lawyer.
 
39% (711) Your wife needs more romance. You need to woo her again.
 
7% (127) Find a filly on the side
 
8% (153) Can he gallop?
1782 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
abb3w
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 12:56 AM (#60040)

"What, Never???" OK, anal might be Right Out, and there might need to be some significant alterations to your selection of positions. However, while I am not a doctor, I would think that if she can ride astride on a horse, there ought be no medical obstacle to doing the same on you. (There's a line from Bujold's Vorkosigan saga that comes to mind.) If she has to ride pillion, that also would seem to have a counterpart position.

A candid talk with the primary care physician may be in order, followed by a marriage counselor. The divorce lawyer can wait a little; you can burn the bridges just as well after scouting them.


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CarlosCM
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 01:06 AM (#60041)

Is it just me, or are we missing an option? "See a doctor".

If she is in pain when you have sex, see a doctor.

If she believes she will be in pain when you have sex, see a doctor.

If she won't even try, even if a doctor tells her she will not feel pain, see a psychiatrist.

If a doctor tells you guys, that she will definitly be in pain during sex, find ways around it. Being blunt, do it manually, oraly, try tantric sex, etc. There are thousands of way of "getting it on", only one of them is the missionary position.

So, before you get a lover or divorce the woman: see a doctor!


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DavidArgall
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 03:55 AM (#60043)

As has been said, there is no apparent good reason for this situation. She should be able to ride. So check with doctor[s] and psychologist, and with wife. [She might just confess she never liked it anyway and thought this was a good excuse, in which case some some training for yourself might be very useful.]


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dog
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Talk about it! Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 07:13 AM (#60046)

So many polls feature 'talk about it.' I voted 'more romance' because is was the closest and the above comments are covering part of it. The big part of it all is communicate; with each other, with the doctor, with a psychiatrist and/or marriage counsellor, with a different doctor for a second opinion.

Giving up without even trying may just be a sign of a fear of failure. "The doctor said I might never enjoy sex again."

People's greatest fear is that of the unknown.


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Guairdean
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 11:03 AM (#60051)

She needs to see two doctors. One for the physical, he can confirm or alleviate her fears. The second is a counselor. There are a lot of physical and emotional dynamics here that need to be dealt with.


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BlueD
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 11:37 AM (#60052)

Well, we are missing a lot of info here.
We do not know your ages, we do not know what kind of surgery, we dont know about your sexual behaviour prior to the procedure.....
And a lot more.

But I belive CarlosCM and DavidArgall are right on the money here.

I am no doctor, but as a physical therapist I can assure you that somebody able to ride a horse should be able to have sexual intercourse in some way - if he were willing.
Since you call it back surgery, I deduce that the genital region was untouched by it.
Maybe missionary is out, because the scars on her back are tender. Maybe she fears the rump movement will be hurtful. Perhaps she simply does not trust you to be gentle. A lot is possible, but I really belive DavidArgall has your answer here.

She does not want it anymore, and this surgery gives her a reason to deny you.

Obviously she likes riding well enough to work out a way she can still do it.
Obviously she does not like sex with you well enough to try. Why that would be so I cannot answer, but some questions about your sexual relationship until this point do come to mind...

I once knew a paraplegic whose limbs spasmed so badly in the throes of sexual passion that he ripped the sheets involuntarily and had cramps and sore muscles for days after the act - still he thought it worth it.
They got sturdier sheets and worked out techniques which left him relatively unscated.

So the question remains - why doesnt she want, why doesnt she even care to try.

It might be actual pain, fear of pain, meagre imagination what could be possible, missing want for sex, or a simply pretense.

Anyway, you will have to talk it out. And by talking it out I mean mainly asking and listening on your part!
!!!!

Be aware though, that a lot of older married women do loathe to admit that they are deniyng their spouse sex - whyever those gals think of it as a chore or as a duty I cannot divine. But mostly they will not state the fact but find "reasons"
I heard a lot of pretenses of older women for not doing it anymore - mostly from their men in regretful voices - that I salute every couple in or over their sixties for keeping sex a good thing for both of them. Kuddos to those guys.
They worked on it.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 12:08 PM (#60053)

My comment is not meant to be good advice, just an observation.

Once had a guy tell me his sure way to pick up women for sex. He would hang out at horse stables and watch for women who rode bareback. He claimed there was just one reason a woman rode bareback, had something to do with the horse's spine and her pelvis. He said he would follow the woman and her horse discretely and catch up with them when she dismounted to relax.

Maybe you've been replaced by a stud mare or gelding.


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spzeidler
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 1)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 03:43 PM (#60054)
In Response to CaptainSmokeblower (#60053):

CaptainSmokeblower: yeah right, and I also met a guy who claimed the only reason women liked riding at all was because they got off on it.
He was so very much in love with this idea that several women telling him that it was anything but erotic for them didn't cure him of the notion. He knew better what the women felt than the women themselves, see?

It's a myth some men make up to explain why women are doing anything at all, besides fucking -them-. That women might have any interest in the world besides sex is too much for them to stomach.


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spzeidler
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 1)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 03:48 PM (#60055)
In Response to BlueD (#60052):

"whyever those gals think of it as a chore or as a duty I cannot divine."

Probably not because having sex with their husband is so much fun.


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zmortis
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 04:47 PM (#60056)

I replied with "Can he gallop?" but the real question to ask is how does she envision your sexual needs being satisfied if she is "unable to ever have sex again"?

This sounds like a conversation needs to occur where if she is removing herself permanently from any sexual realtions with you, then what lattitude to pursue your legitimate sexual desires will she grant. If you can't both arrive at a satisfactory mutual compromise, then I do think it could be time to find a divorce lawyer.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 06:13 PM (#60058)
In Response to CarlosCM (#60041):

Nope, not just you. "Talk about it" and "Talk to a doctor" are glaringly missing.

2-3 hour on a horse and she can't have sex? Either she's lying, or she needs to talk to a doctor about this.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 06:14 PM (#60059)
In Response to DavidArgall (#60043):

Some training for her is necessary too, though. A conversation deeper than shrinking from his touch and telling him, "Never again, back surgery" should probably be a valid expectation from a husband. :P
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Qumquat
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 16, 2011 - 09:29 PM (#60060)

I can say with certainty that sex after back surgery is doable (and I have a cute son to prove it). My wife had two shattered, 1 broken and several cracked vertebrate due to a severe car wreck and ended up with a ladder like metal structure in her back. Yes it may cause some issues if you intend to have children (both of you talk to her Gyn who may refer you to a specialist concerning some of the issues she may have if that is the route.) Otherwise, there is some sort of stressor going on that needs to be delt with, try to get her to talk to someone about this issue before considering divorce.


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Gadfly
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, September 17, 2011 - 12:02 AM (#60061)

I didn't reply to any of the poll options. I vote for "see a doctor."

I'm guessing one or both of two things is going on:

1) Let's face it, sex may or may not be vigorous as other forms of exercise, but it can require much more flexibility. My wife has always been rather ticklish and prone to convulsing when I touch her. She injured her back last month trying to get our autistic son under control during a fit. So now, I touch her a certain way, she gets ticklish, she convulses, and she experiences horrible pain.

If it's something like this, communication can help.

2) Neurology is a vague science, particularly when it comes to the sexual organs. Sometimes, quadraplegics can still feel their sexual organs because of how the nerve damage works. Sometimes, they can function but not feel anything. On the other hand, it's very common for women to completely lose their ability to experience sexual pleasure after certain surgeries and procedures (apparently, doctors have only begun studying certain aspects of female anatomy in recent years).

There is one long muscle running along the front of a woman's pelvis, running down the vaginal wall and up to the front to the clitoris. Doctors used to see nothing wrong with cutting this muscle in C-Sections and other surgeries, till they learned that cutting this muscle completely severs a woman's ability to feel sexual pleasure. So it may be a specific nerve in her spine that's damaged, or it may be unrelated damage.

However, the only way to deal with the situation is
a) communication--understand *why* she doesn't want to have sex, and see if there's something that can be worked out
and
b) talk to a doctor about it.


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BlueD
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, September 18, 2011 - 09:19 AM (#60063)

@ spzeidler
Jeah, well - that is kind of the point I had in mind....

@Gadfly
Interesting...
But please check your facts and come back to us with the name of the "muscle" you described.
English, latin, german or Swaheli, just give me a name, ok?

I neither heard of it in 14 years of working with the human body, nor could I find it right now in any of my anatomical books.

But beside the scepticism, you picked up some correct information.
There are indeed some facts of the female genital innervation which have only quite recently - in the late nineties - been discovered, that much is true.
But that mainly concerns nerve endings in the uterus walls, and the possible negative effect of a hysterectomy on the female libido.
And by negative I mean slower, dryer, harder to reach climax in nearly 30% of all cases - quite a difference to "never again".


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DrScott
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Re: Not too Hot to Trot (Score: 0)
posted Monday, September 19, 2011 - 06:24 PM (#60069)

OK, so I am a doctor and I can emphatically affirm that if this woman can ride a horse after her back surgery there is no reason this would limit her ability to have sex. Forget "riding astride," the compressive stress put on the spine and hips from riding are quite significant and well beyond that of sex!

Which is not to say that she doesn't have a medical problem that is affecting her. But it's not her back. In fact I suspect that the surgery has simply given her a "good" excuse and she's using it. Now whether this is because she's never particularly liked sex, she just isn't interested or she just doesn't want to with the guy, it impossible to to say here. I agree, a quick trip to the doctor to set the record straight, followed by some serious couples therapy!


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