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POLL RESULTS: The ties that bind: (14 comments)

POLL: The ties that bind

Thursday, September 22, 2011 - 12:00 AM

Q. I’m female, 27, engaged to a great guy, 29. Everything is fine — with one exception. Our sex life is not exciting. The problem is I know what’s missing but I don’t know how to broach the subject. My first lover was into bondage, and I came to find the physical act of being restrained overpoweringly pleasurable. Towards the end of the relationship the mere act of having my limbs tied could bring me to climax before he did anything else. I’ve been too embarrassed to tell my subsequent partners. My boyfriend is somewhat conservative and more religious than I. I’d really like to experience the highs I had with Mr. X with my current mate. How do I tell him I want to bring ropes to bed?

POLL: How should she broach this topic with her boyfriend?
 
35% (672) Just blurt it out. He sounds like a boy scout, but those guys are *good* when it comes to knots.
 
54% (1039) Lay a few hints... maybe start with a silk scarf or his neck tie
 
5% (101) Tie him up and test the waters
 
2% (47) Forget about it. Find yourself a guy who knows the ropes.
 
1% (31) See a doctor (This one is for everyone who complained about last week's poll)
1890 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, September 22, 2011 - 06:57 AM (#60091)

Well, If you like the guy and want to keep him, he just has to learn, doesn`t he?

So you could either talk it out in all openness - a bold move most women will try to avoid, sadly.

(really, life would be soooo much better if you gals would finally start some kind of inner womens lib and tell us what you want - in bed and out - instead of hinting and hoping)

But obviously you will not do that but rather write a sex-help columnist of a Newspaper....

So what ist left?

hinting, trying, trying to guide him into your kink.

A silk scarf and a sinful grin while whispering something he likes might just be the way to show him.
Next step could be art-photos of bound women, there are quite tasteful examples for sale.
Go slowly and watch.

He might secretly be into the whole "subjugation of women"-thing, if he is christian. ("religious" dont really cut it for a description)and conservative.


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DanialArin
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Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, September 22, 2011 - 08:33 PM (#60096)

There seem to be two ways to go about this: show, and tell.

If you go with Tell, you'd start with asking him how he'd feel about, well, exactly what you want him to do. Don't beat around the bush, just come out and ask him.

It you go with Show, there are two basic approaches, and you'll have to decide which is more likely to get the reaction you want. The more cautious way would be to put the relevant gear in a container under the bed, and pull it out as you both start getting undressed. The more aggressive way is to get home before him, leave a trail of something erotic from front door to bedroom, and then tie yourself up to the extent that your gear allows without assistance... then see how he takes it. Also, it you have multiple "grades" of gear, start with the mildest.

Keep in mind, "religious" does not mean "sexually conservative" except in certain Puritanical sects... each of which has its share of exceptions.


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abb3w
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Posts: 46

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Jan 2008
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 12:12 AM (#60097)

I'd suggest the minutely more conservative approach of asking him if he was ever a boy scout, and then inquiring about his ability with knots. You might also learn the last verse to Tom Lehrer's "Be Prepared" to persuade your boy scout to be venturesome.

On a more Biblical theme, Ephesians 5:21 might also help with persuasion.


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swartzer
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Jun 2011
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 12:46 AM (#60098)

Hinting is probably the place to start, but at some point before the wedding you'll need to have a frank discussion. It's unfair to marry someone without being honest about something that could be a deal-breaker.

I'd say your odds are pretty good, though. You wanting to be tied up is probably going to be easier for him to accept than the other way around, and definitely easier than a lot of other kinks out there.

Your chances are even better if you offer to fulfill some of his fantasies too. Basically everybody has some special turn-on that they're probably a little embarrassed about, even if it's nothing society would consider "kinky". Even if the bondage weirds him out at first, he may well still do it if it means he gets his own special itch scratched!

Just make sure you're clear about your limits. If he's unfamiliar with any kind of dom/sub stuff, he might not understand that that being into bondage doesn't automatically mean you're into the really extreme stuff too.

Good luck! You have a chance at a really satisfying sex life; something a lot of couples never get.


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DavidArgall
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Nov 2010
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 02:38 AM (#60100)
In Response to swartzer (#60098):

Something broke up that first romance and its great sex. Granted, there are all sorts of possible reasons, but it's possible the sex was a cause some way. If your current is a great guy, you may be best off just resigning yourself to vanilla.
Still, a little exploring seems more likely to help than hurt. But you should not rush it.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 05:39 AM (#60101)

Tell him, by all means ... but I strongly urge caution and diplomacy and maybe even a bit of benign misdirection.

DON'T broach the subject with something that could be interpreted as "I had a previous lover who gave me orgasms so intense that my knees are still wobbly -- waaaay better than any you've ever given me!" ... that is, don't say that unless you actually want to screw up your relationship with your fiancé.

Instead, you might say "Honey, I was reading about bondage yesterday, and I found myself getting really aroused. In fact, ever since then I've been having all kinds of fantasies ... I'd kinds like to try having you tie me up."

See? No need to mention the other guy, and no actual untruths either.


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SingingHawk
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Jan 2010
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 06:26 AM (#60102)

There are many ways of broaching the subject without him even knowing. Try some shibari arm bands or hair ties and call them fashion accessories. Then you can work your way up to rope corsets. This will allow you to judge where his boundaries lay. If he doesn't balk at the corset you can go on to full harnesses. Get a shibari book and leave it out where he can see it. Take it one step at a time.


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HilarusIncognitus
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Sep 2011
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 06:59 AM (#60103)

I am quite familiar to such a situation. And the only hint I can give you is talk about it. Tell your boyfriend you have to talk, find a comfortable place and take out the issue and place it on the table.
Yes, thats uncomfortable at first, especially if he thinks whatever that "talk" might be about until you come out, so don't wait too long in insecurity before you say what it is about after you have sat down. But it is worth it in the long run. It probably really isn't a good idea to tell about the last guy first, but that you like bondage and that you would like him to try it on you.

I had quite the same situation (but different desire) with my current wife. A talk led to the point where she told me that the thought horrified her and she needed to think about that. That didn't change. But the thought was there, she knew about it, and she knew I wanted it. So after a long time (over a year in that case) it came to pass.
So from my point of view: Really talk about it. Directly, no hinting, that goes over guys heads and isn't noticed most of the time. If it works out thats wonderful. If it horrifies him so much that he runs away for good, thats bad but probably better than staying in the relationship and you running away later because you miss that so much. Since you are engaged he should know you enough by now not to run, but to think.

Him being religous, or at least more so than you shouldn't be that much of an issue (hopefully). Since you HAVE a sex live he seems not to be that committed to that religion (I just assume it is one that prohibits sex before marriage, otherwise I wouldn't think it would have found mention). But also if he is, it is possible to talk about such things, it may make things harder, but it is no automatism (my wife is very religious, and me too, but I had not a very religious upbringing, while she had, and still I had more problems talking about sex). But since I don't know how exactly that is with your boyfriend, you have to analyse that issue for yourself.


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basikx
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Sep 2011
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 08:35 AM (#60107)

I would say to start listening to the Dan Savage podcast around him and see how he reacts. If he freaks and goes puritan, dump him. If he's okay with it, tell him your kink and see where it goes.


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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

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Apr 2008
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 12:25 PM (#60108)
In Response to DavidArgall (#60100):

That seems to be a very poor chain of logic. The first relationship had great sex, but broke up, therefore great sex is bad.

My first lover was blonde, therefore blondes are bad...except I'm married to one.

My first car was an old Caddy, but I had a wreck, therefore Caddys are bad.

Relationships break up all the time. Great sex is almost never a reason. Incompatibility of sex drives, however, can be.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Posts: 58

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Nov 2009
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 12:27 PM (#60109)

Would it be possible for you to tell him you want to try something new then lightly restrain him spread eagle, with loops he knows he can slip out of (no slip knots that get tighter as he pulls), and then give him his most intense sexual experience to date? Don't tie any fancy knots that reveal you know about restraint. If he goes along and has a great time tell him he was such a good sport you'll let him restrain you, but be careful. If you orgasm before he finishes the third knot he's going to suspect you're hiding a knotty past.

Assuming he restrains you and you have a good time the situation now gets darker gray. You can admit that this was the best sex you've had (just don't add, "with you"). and tell him he should do this more often. You can pretend to admit you didn't realize what a turn on it would be for you. You're not being completely honest, but . . .

There's a lot of good advice before my entry so I'm not claiming this will always work. It would work on me, but hey, I'm a guy. I'm easy.


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eoraptor
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Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 01:00 PM (#60110)

(hey long time no post!)

Honestly, I am surprised more has not been made out of the communication here, or lack thereof. You're engaged to be married to this guy, theoretically, you wish to spend the rest of your life with him, but the sex isn't good?

WTF? if you've been reading this comic at all, at this point you must have SOME idea of how important sex and sexuality are to a long term relationship. and yet you obviously have not addressed your concerns with your partner/mate/SO. It seems to me that your problem stems less from his not tying you up, and more to you not opening up.

as to specifically getting him into bondage (or any other kink) you're in for a bumpy road; as you're going from a "pro" to someone who has apparently no idea. So I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment by having waited this long to broach the topic with him.

No I don't agree with the statement that you have to settle for waspy lights out sheets up sex in your life, but likewise, You certainly should have been discussing your lack of satisfaction after the second or third time. No one's perfect in the sack, but when you detect a pattern, especially with someone you are otherwise very serious about, you HAVE to address it.

drop some hints, listen to a podcast or visit some sites where he can witness and judge his reaction. if he's not that into it, you'll have two choices
-find something else sexual you both can enjoy.
-find a new mate because marriage with bad sex will quickly turn into sex with others while in a bad marriage.


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funnybonzo
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Posts: 4

Registered:
May 2011
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 23, 2011 - 10:53 PM (#60114)

Speaking as a devout Christian and as a guy who was/is more conservative in bed, and having a girlfriend who is into some light bondage, as well as some other kink, just talking about it really got things going. I had never experimented in any bondage before, but after we spoke about what we both enjoyed in bed (and the best/safest ways to engage in those acts) it was just a matter of time before I was branching out in our sexual play, and she became very satisfied with our lovemaking.

I will emphasize that speaking to your partner about your sexual preferences is a bit daunting, but sharing on that level is a huge show of trust on both parts.

I will also recommend that both of you read the book The Loving Dominate by John Warren, PhD. I found 80%-90% relevant to what my partner and I discussed. Very insightful as to what is and is not BSDM - just make sure it's the latest version. Again, I cannot stress talking to your partner about your wants/needs, likes/dislikes enough.


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Sputt
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Posts: 4

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: The ties that bind (Score: 0)
posted Friday, September 30, 2011 - 05:58 PM (#60155)

Talk to him, but do it outside of the bedroom. As someone else mentioned, don't bring up the ex, but rather tell him that you would like to do it. If he asks if you have experience with it, gauge his reaction and decide then just how much to tell him.

The only reason you're having this issue is because you're not being open about it. If you're not satisfied with your sex life, it's your responsibility to tell him how to make it better for you. That goes for everyone in a relationship. Never expect your partner to be a mind reader or unwilling to make the relationship better.

You're getting married to this guy (I'm assuming as you're engaged), intending to spend the rest of your life with him. If you can't talk to him about sexual desires, how will you be able to talk to him about the really big stuff?

He's either the kind of guy who does it regardless of whether he finds it exciting or does it just for you, or he'll have to find a compromise where you still get the sexual pleasure you want without it. If he can't do one of those two, it's not a guy you want to be with long term.

Also, enjoying being tied up is not something to be even remotely ashamed of. Out of curiosity I asked about it at a recent social gathering. Out of the 18 men there, 16 of them said they find the thought of tying their gf/so up. The other two didn't particularely care for it, but would do it in a heartbeat if their partner asked for it. Nobody expressed disgust, fear or discomfort about it. 10 of them considered themselves devoutly religious, but the two who didn't care for bondage are not among them. And even if they all would've found it awkward and disturbing, I'd still say it's something you should share with your partner.


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