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POLL RESULTS: Roving eyes: (27 comments)
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POLL: Roving eyes

Friday, October 07, 2011 - 12:00 AM

Take 50% OFF One Item, 3 Free DVD's, Free Shipping & a Free Mystery Gift NOW! Q: I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about six months, but he has a bad habit that drives me crazy. Whenever we are out and an attractive woman comes into view, he stares at her. We’ll be talking in a restuarant and all of a sudden his head turns, he stops talking and he’s looking at another woman. It’s embarrassing and humiliating. I’ve complained about it, but he doesn’t stop. I don’t want to become a nag, but this is becoming a drag. Suggestions?
POLL: What should she do?
 
24% (464) Oogle hot guys in front of her husband
 
7% (138) Tell him to stop already!
 
31% (586) A shark elbow between the ribs. Repeat as necessary
 
19% (364) Dump him
 
16% (310) He's a man. It's what men do. Get over it.
1862 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
abb3w
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Posts: 46

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Jan 2008
Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 02:12 AM (#60193)
What, no silly "Threesome!" answer suggested? Going over to loudly proposition the lady for a Ménage-à-trois any time (and any place) his attention is unsubtle enough she might have noticed might shame him enough to discourage him, and makes for an amusing notion. Hey, you're already embarrassed; may as well make the most of it, right? Unfortunately, you might eventually get a "yes" to call your bluff; it's discourteous to proposition someone unless you're wiling to carry through, but you wouldn't want to end up rewarding his bad behavior.


More seriously, the extent guys notice other women varies, but is pretty instinctive. However, the extent his noticing is noticable is something he can learn to control. In addition to "embarrassing and humiliating", blatant oogling is discourteous to both you and the other lass.

It's unlikely he'll ever get to the point where his attention will be completely unnoticeable, but I'm not sure you'd actually want to get to that point. He has a roving eye, but that might give you some warning of an intent to let anything else rove. I'd suggest focusing on getting him discreet enough so that no-one who doesn't know him at least as well you can tell. Using a graded reaction (verbal warning if she could have noticed, elbow if you think she did) might help.

Of course, he may not be willing (or bright enough) to learn better manners; but that's probably a good thing to find out sooner rather than later.
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DavidArgall
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 04:14 AM (#60196)
In Response to abb3w (#60193):

Yes, he is misbehaving and needs correction. But as noted, you are going to be hard put to find a man interested in you who doesn't like other girls. So you are not going to get anywhere replacing him. So a few whacks now and then and hope he is trainable.

    Oh yes, if you find shark elbows are hard to find in your area, sharp elbows will do adequately.


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Lanzlo
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 05:00 AM (#60197)

Agreed, men are hardwired to appreciate the female form, but your husband is being crude. I'd suggest telling him to be a lot more discrete with his *ahem* appreciations.


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DoubleStar
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 07:08 AM (#60199)

As Abb3w points out, the trick here is to get him to be more (much more) discrete about it.

He's a man, and yes it's what men do, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it while you're together. Oogling hot guys (or propositions or other stuff) won't really work, you're just bringing yourself down to his level. You've already told him to stop and he hasn't. Likely the most effective method will be to forcefully tell him (several times if need be) that you don't appreciate how obvious he is about it, especially in front of you...and then reinforce that with several sharp elbows to the ribs or kicks to the shin as needed.

If he still can't stop, you'll have to decide for yourself if it's worth dumping him over, although if he can't learn to exercise some self control even after he's aware of just how much it bothers you, he may not be worth keeping.


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Azerik
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 08:50 AM (#60201)

It is what men do, we are hardwired to. We really can't help it.

However, it is totally possible to make it way more subtle than it sounds like he is being. Especially only 6 months into the relationship he should not be doing this. After more than 20 years of marriage I look, but I have the sense to make it no more than a quick glance.

Tell him it bothers you. It will *not* stop him totally, but if the relationship is solid he will cut back. If he doesn't....move on. If he's openly ogling at 6 months in, I think he will be going further than that later on. Give him a chance, let him know it bothers you. If he's been single a while it could also still be a bit of a habit.


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lwj2
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 09:35 AM (#60202)

One can still read the menu when one is on a diet.

I got used to this when I was first married. The way one deals with it is to gloat when you leave with your partner.

And yes, we both looked.


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baquiano
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 11:51 AM (#60203)

I do it all the time and derive pleasure from looking at the intricacies that make up a beautiful woman.

But one thing is to look/peek/glance and the other is to stare in a way that everybody can notice. It's offensive and your couple has all the right to get upset.


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eoraptor
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 01:29 PM (#60205)

I have to agree with the choir here. Freud once said (I think it was Freud anyway) that the only unhealthy sex drive is no sex drive at all.

You should, in fact, be more worried if he was NOT looking. That would mean there's something not being connected in his hind brain.

That being said, it's one thing to glance at and appreciate a shapely woman (or man if you swing that way); it's another thing entirely to stop a conversation dead and visually undress someone in public.

Embarrass him once or twice and hopefully he will get the idea. But if you're looking for a man who won't look at other women now and then, you're looking for a eunuch.


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DanialArin
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 01:54 PM (#60206)

It's one thing to look or peek, and another to noticeably stare... and quite another to drop whatever you're doing mid-sentence to glue your eyes to every set of curves as it goes by.

If he's not capable of concentrating his attention on the person he's with, then either some part of him thinks he's with the wrong person, or he's got the attention span of a fruit fly. Neither bodes well for a stable long-term relationship.

I hate to say give him an ultimatum, but... give him an ultimatum. He's got x amount of time to show noticeable improvement. Either he learns to maintain focus and keep his eyes from wandering (or at least to drag his attention back to you fast enough not to break stride in the conversation), or he should stop wasting both of your time.


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naui
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 03:42 PM (#60207)

In this case she should ask herself who he goes home with and wakes up with if the relationship has progressed this far.


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darkgolem
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 07, 2011 - 11:15 PM (#60209)

I am not there dating the man, so you would know better, but frankly he's being disrespectful, and you might consider how wonderful he really is. Men are hardwired to notice women, but ogling women when in a relationship without trying to stop or feeling ashamed is the first step to infidelity. It's a tiny thing, but it IS a thing.


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Sputt
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 08, 2011 - 02:56 AM (#60211)

I don't buy it that men are hardwired to look at a beautiful woman. That's just poor rationalisation of incredibly rude behavior. It's a choice that has turned into habit and society reinforcing it by saying it's hardwired and thus acceptable.

Tell him that it's important to you and that you need him to stop. It won't be easy for him, with it being an old habit, but he can do it with proper incentive and given enough time. If "it's important to me" or "you're embarassing me" isn't proper incentive, you have much bigger issues with the relationship than him staring at other women.


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DrScott
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 08, 2011 - 08:30 AM (#60213)

A little confusion here - the comic uses the "married, not dead" saw, the poll options say "husband" but the question refers a "wonderful man" that she is dating for the last six months. There is a HUGE difference between a husband and a relatively new boyfriend, and the "right" solution will be hugely different, too.

From my point of view, no matter how wonderful she thinks he is, she is dating a guy with so little respect for her that he will stop his discussion with her in order to stare at another women!! He's not "looking," he's telling her in very specific terms "that woman is WAY more interesting to me than you."

Dump him.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 08, 2011 - 09:41 AM (#60214)

When I go to the art museum I study each piece of art that interests me. It involves staring, but I don't bring a piece of art to the museum, ignore it and stare at/study the others.
Looking at beautiful women isn't bad or wrong, however staring suggests something is going on inside his head. You've only been dating for six months so is he staring at you that same way? If not then you don't hold his attention like the unknown does so I'd say you're a placeholder, and while he may be comfortable with you, he's not that interested in you.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 1)
posted Saturday, October 08, 2011 - 09:15 PM (#60216)

I don't buy it that men are hardwired to look at a beautiful woman. That's just poor rationalisation of incredibly rude behavior. It's a choice that has turned into habit and society reinforcing it by saying it's hardwired and thus acceptable.

Something tells me that this was written by someone with two X chromosomes.

I was hardwired to look at beautiful women. I still am. However ... I want to continue to be married to one particular, very beautiful woman, so I do make a conscious effort to tone it down and not be obnoxious about it. I suspect that the boyfriend of the Original Poster can similarly train himself, if he regards the incentive as sufficiently strong.

I wonder whether the person who wrote that quoted text would go along with a minor change? Specifically:

I don't buy it that some men are hardwired to be aroused by other men. That's just poor rationalisation of incredibly rude behavior. It's a choice that has turned into habit and society reinforcing it by saying it's hardwired and thus acceptable.

(A note to the sarcasm-impaired: I personally do not subscribe to the modified statement.)


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Dragonpriest
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 08, 2011 - 09:55 PM (#60217)

I told my wife while we were dating, that I was gonna look. I also told her as long as I don't touch, she doesn't have anything to complain about, an that if she couldn't trust me, our relationship wouldn't last. We've been marrired almost 15 years now, I still look, and she still just rolls her eyes.


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Sputt
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 09, 2011 - 05:28 PM (#60219)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#60216):

Something tells me that this was written by someone with two X chromosomes.

No, it wasn't. It's not difficult to not look or stare if you simply choose not to. I believe it's more about the standards you hold yourself to than it is about instincts. In my experience, men have a tendency to not set the bar for good behavior very high for themselves and as a result are willing to bypass accountability with lazy saves such as "oh, I can't help it, I'm a man." I realise that this, in the context of a reply with a quote, can come across as a personal attack. It is not intended that way.

We don't seem to disagree on the point, except on the fairly unimportant origins of oogling. He's rude by doing it and can, and for the sake of the relationship with the Original Poster should, either stop or tone it down to an "acceptable" level. Something you seem to agree with.

The last paragraph about homosexuality? Poorly aimed cheap shot, at best. It has nothing to do with the topic at hand and ascribes attributes to me which you know nothing of.


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Veldan
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 09, 2011 - 07:00 PM (#60220)

Wow... It's really worrying that so many people seem to think that abuse is a viable way of teaching him a lesson. Wonder how happy they'd be if roles changed places.

I agree however with the otherwise general consensus that he is a guy, it's what they do but he could stand to be more subtle about it.

It is an issue that he stops mid-discussion to stare. I will personally admit to having done this once or twice and it was definitely a sign of a boring situation, though I wasn't with my girlfriend at the time... :p


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 1)
posted Monday, October 10, 2011 - 12:57 AM (#60221)

The last paragraph about homosexuality? Poorly aimed cheap shot, at best. It has nothing to do with the topic at hand and ascribes attributes to me which you know nothing of.

Jeeze. I guess that disclaimer wasn't strong enough. It wasn't aimed at you. I have no idea whether you're gay, straight, bi, or attracted to household appliances ... and I don't give a damn, either.

My point was to show you that your invalid argument was very similar to another invalid argument. Period.


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Amanda
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Oct 2008
Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Monday, October 10, 2011 - 04:14 PM (#60224)

A simple "oh yeah, she's hott" works for me. My husband's not as obvious about it though and he actually cares about my feelings. For your boyfriend, remember to interrupt his behavior as it is happening because it's a natural reaction and he may not be able to stop it right away before it happens. Don't act like you don't want him looking at any woman besides you because that's unrealistic. Just remind him that it makes women uncomfortable when he does that and you'd prefer if he were a little less obvious about it. Don't reprimand him later on in a different situation and don't yell. Basically, he's acting like a dog so train him like a dog.


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Amanda
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Monday, October 10, 2011 - 04:15 PM (#60225)
In Response to Amanda (#60224):

Oh and if he can't be trained, it's time to dump him.


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AlpineBob
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, October 11, 2011 - 05:01 AM (#60227)

Oh, all men can be trained. Positive feedback is about the only socially acceptable method (I'd dump a gal that gave me a shark elbow in the ribs), but the military has used more stringent methods since way back to get men to line up, stand at attention, and basically show respect to the C.O.
But you aren't his CO, which is basically the point he's making - he's looking and you can't stop him. In fact, most guys don't want to give up their autonomy, but if this dude hasn't learned to give his attention to the woman he's with, it's up to you as to whether it's worth the effort to train him.

Anyway, that "I'm a man, so I gotta look" line is crap. Hard-wired? Gimme a break, are you a man or an amoeba?
Yes, people have instinctual urges, but most of us no longer have to wear diapers...
Not that ALL instincts can be overcome (breathing, eating, etc.).
Heck, some people are kleptos, and really CAN'T stop stealing, others suffer from Tourette's and can't stop swearing. Maybe this fellow has some related syndrome and can't help being a social douche in this way...

(and that analogy to homosexual inclinations was both wrong and insulting. Let me know if you'd like me to go into detail on that, because I have a another rant ready to write.) P.S. I'm hetero.


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swartzer
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, October 11, 2011 - 05:24 AM (#60228)

Yes, we men are generally hardwired to be aroused by visual stuff. That means every time we look at somebody hot, we get a little buzz from the pleasure center in the middle of our brain.

Now that does not mean that we have no control at all, or that we have any excuse to blatantly ogle strangers. But it does mean we're constantly getting positive reinforcement for looking, so it's hard to stop unless there's something else giving us positive reinforcement for not looking.

So I vote None Of The Above. Find a way to make him want to look back at you quickly enough that it doesn't break the conversation. It doesn't have to be much; maybe you can make a game out of it where he gains and loses points to earn his way to some extra-sexy treat, or just give him a smile and stroke his calf with your toe under the table every time he controls himself, or whatever. Make it something you work on together, if you possibly can.

Whatever else, remember these two things:

First, a glance or two at another woman does not mean he thinks you're ugly. A man could be with the hottest woman in the world and he'd still glance at others. He's not thinking of dumping you; he's probably not thinking at all, in that particular moment. The odds are he'll forget her as soon as she's out of sight. Learn to shrug that stuff off if you possibly can, because any man will glance at someone else occasionally unless he's totally asexual.

Second, though, no matter what he says or thinks, he can learn to stop at a glance. It might not be easy, and it might take a while, but it can be done. Any guy worth his salt will be willing to try, especially if he gets something good out of changing his behavior.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, October 12, 2011 - 01:53 AM (#60238)

(and that analogy to homosexual inclinations was both wrong and insulting. Let me know if you'd like me to go into detail on that, because I have a another rant ready to write.) P.S. I'm hetero.

AlpineBob, I really think you misunderstood the intent of the analogy. It was intended to be an incorrect statement. That was my point.

Sputt made a blanket statement about all men: I don't buy it that men are hardwired to look at a beautiful woman.

Well, some men are hardwired that way. I know this from personal experience. So I called out Sputt's assertion as contrary to fact ... just as contrary to fact as if he'd said, I don't buy it that some men are hardwired to be gay. Dammit, some men do seem to be hardwired that way, although I'm not one of them and I didn't accuse anyone else of being one of them.

Now, in my case and in the case of many other men with the urge to ogle, the reaction can be suppressed if the motivation is strong enough.

But I was not drawing any analogies about modifying the behavior of gays. The two cases are quite different in that regard. In particular, I was not saying anything about whether gays can or should suppress their reactions, or whether they can or should be "converted" to being straight. That's a completely irrelevant issue that I did not raise. If you took it that way, I'm sorry, but that was not my point.


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AlpineBob
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Re: Roving eyes (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, October 12, 2011 - 03:50 AM (#60239)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#60216):

My apologies, Murgatroyd. I mis-interpreted your intent.

So you claim equivalence for these two statements:

"I don't buy it that [some] men are hardwired to look at a beautiful woman."

"I don't buy it that some men are hardwired to be aroused by other men."

The equivalence being they are both false. So removing the "I don't buy it that" should make both statements true. OK.
Hmm, I can see your intent better now, I think.

And while technically true, still a bad analogy. Because it is two different types of wire.
Sexual attraction is not under conscious control.
Similarly, wanting to look at sexually attractive people is also not under control.
Actually looking? Totally controllable. There are many options: ignore, glance, second glance, long look, stare, ogle, drool, wolf whirtle, howl at the moon...

I love looking at women, but if I'm with a date and I see a beautiful woman in my peripheral vision I can CHOOSE to not look at her.

So I mostly agree with Sputt:
"It's not difficult to not look or stare if you simply choose not to. I believe it's more about the standards you hold yourself to than it is about instincts. In my experience, men [are just lazy]."

Except that it is a difficult choice, as I am NOT especially strong-willed.


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