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POLL RESULTS: Long Term Disability: (13 comments)

POLL: Long Term Disability

Friday, October 28, 2011 - 12:00 AM

Take 50% OFF One Item, 3 Free DVD's, Free Shipping & a Free Mystery Gift NOW! Q: I've been married twice but never really had a long term relationship.

In college my friends and I always had multiple girlfriends at once. After college I would date women in different towns (zones) so I wouldn't cross paths when on different women. And now in my 40's I've mastered internet dating and and continuously date multiple women. I've developed a great rap over the past 25 years, but I've also missed things along the way.

I tire of a woman rather easily and have always found the next one. Multiple dating strokes the ego but it's also a curse. I wish I could settle down and be happy, but settling down for me lasts about 3 1/2 months. I was just chewed out by a past girlfriend that I am incapable of having a long term relationship - the truth hurts. I hope I change, but I'm afraid I may have messed myself up for life. Any advice here?

POLL: What should he do?
 
14% (202) What *can* he do? He is who he is.
 
53% (728) Learn to avoid running way the moment he feels "bored"
 
31% (434) Date a different kind of woman than the ones he's seeing now.
1364 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
CarlosCM
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Posts: 12

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Apr 2008
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 01:23 AM (#60343)

You've mastered "Falling in love" but seem not to grasp "Being in love". The first one is all hormones and makes you want to do stuff with your girlfriend. The second one is what allows you to live with your girlfriend without wanting to throw her out every time she complains about the toilet seat.

Long term relationships only work when you understand that living with someone means ignoring all their annoying traits, giving and having personal space and still wanting to do stuff together now and again. It's much more about the rituals of everyday life than about the spontaneity of the 3 months of "falling in love".


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Amanda
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Posts: 30

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Oct 2008
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 01:36 AM (#60344)

Be honest with the women and yourself. Realize that you have not "mastered the art of internet dating," but rather you have failed to grow up and have used women like toys instead of human beings. Be single for a while so you can understand the true worth of a woman. Also, the boredom you feel is normal because that new relationship/ lying rush can only last so long. All you can do is find healthier ways to have fun or find a girl into open relationships and just be honest about your behavior... it's safer that way and doesn't risk STDs and heartache on your partners unknowingly.


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DavidArgall
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Posts: 42

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Nov 2010
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 03:07 AM (#60345)
In Response to Amanda (#60344):

Do you in fact want to change? On your history to date, there is a pretty good chance you don't, and trying to is just not likely to work.
First figure out what you really want. Then we can start work on how to get it.


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Chuck777
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Oct 2011
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 04:13 AM (#60346)

Do you really want to change? You have lived a sordid life few ever desire or fall into. Being Charlie Sheen sounds great until you live his life.

Honestly, you're 40, you are who you are. Change now isn't going to come easily.

If you are serious then there are several things you have to do to prove to yourself that you actually want a normal lifestyle and that you are capable of leading such a life.

First off, close/cancel all of your accounts with all of the myriad of dating sites you frequent. They will only serve as temptation.

Second, you need to eliminate all of the floozies you've met over the years from your life - delete their email addresses, their phone numbers and any other contact info.

Thirdly, and this is the most important, you need to abstain from sexual contact for at least 6 months. This also means NO DATING. You need to purge the unhealthy life you lead from your veins and the only way to do that is to cut it completely out of your life.

After six months, have a friend set you up on a date, or baring that, have a friend re-open one of your accounts with one of the dating sites and have him help you find a potential partner. Remember to give him control of the account so you don't slip into old habits.

Best of luck.


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lwj2
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Posts: 33

Registered:
Feb 2008
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 07:16 AM (#60347)

If you're serious about it, then you should talk to a competent therapist. Frankly, I'd avoid any with a religious affiliation, you don't need that added to the mix.

Another option is to look for someone that practices poly-amory and talk about it and you.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

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Mar 2010
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 09:28 AM (#60348)

It sounds like you are, psychologically speaking, a very extroverted person. I suspect you don't enjoy being alone and get bored hanging out with *anyone* for too long. You have "the wanderlust"; you enjoy and thrive on new situations, new people, new places, new experiences; a night at home alone is an unusual and typically unwanted experience for you.

If that's the case, then you are who you are. Which is not to say you can't form a long term relationship, but instead of a deep relationship with a few friends, you have a more casual relationship with a whole lot of friends; I suspect even your closest friends wouldn't say they know you as well as they know other friends of theirs.

If I've pegged you correctly, then your problem is being who you are simply doesn't inherently work well in a romantic relationship because most people aren't that extroverted.

One way to fix this is to find various other women who are similarly extroverted and likely polygamous, who also desire a more casual relationship. This won't be easy, since most people aren't like that long term, even if some enjoy being so for a time (being 40, it sounds like this is who you are, not just a phase of your life).

Another way is to find one woman who you like who can put up with your extroversions in one way or another, even if she is not as extroverted or polyamorous herself. Perhaps she's just very forgiving. But again, those are few and far between.

Your best bet - and this is a compromise - is to find one good woman to devote yourself to who is at least somewhat extroverted herself, and then find other avenues of release for your need to be extroverted; go places, do things, meet other new people, but she is the only woman romantically for you. If it helps, think of her as your rock, your island of calm and stability that you can always go back to. This isn't an easy option; you have to find other avenues of release and entertainment that don't involve cheating on her, while she has to accept that you will be "out with the boys" more often than you will be with her; and no matter what choice you try, none of them lend themselves to you being a family man, so make sure to find a girl who doesn't want children (or they're already out of the nest).

Living an extroverted lifestyle isn't a bad thing - but as you've discovered, it has its drawbacks too. Only you can decide what you really want in the end.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Nov 2009
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 12:40 PM (#60349)

You're in your 40's; you're worried you're messed up for life; the "truth" hurts?
Are you trying to make us readers feel bad or are you losing your touch? Perhaps the, "truth that hurts," is you like what you are, but feel guilty about liking it?
If you're really concerned, and I have my doubts, then date women who don't want long term commitments and/or who have multiple boyfriends. For reference, I'm not sure women really adopt that philosophy, but I've heard some make the claim.


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Rimbo
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Oct 2011
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 02:21 PM (#60351)

So, first the good news: You recognize that you are the problem. That's a bigger deal than it sounds like; it shows you're being honest with yourself and that you've learned about yourself.

Better news: You are not the first person to have this problem, and people have resolved their issues with this.

The best advice anyone can give you is to seek therapy. Your problem isn't with "love," it's with building relationships with women, and a professional can help you understand why that is; from there, it'll be clearer how to resolve it.

When you first start dating a person, it's all hormones. Those will last you... about 3 months. (Sound familiar?) After that, you have to actually LIKE the person, enjoy being with her and doing things with her. Once that hormonal magic spell wears off, there has to be something else there to keep you coming back; shared interests, shared values, intellectual curiosity, whatever.

Whether this is because you've come to define love as that initial hormonal rush, because you have some inability to build relationships in general, or because of some long-forgotten bad experience with a parent, it's for you and a professional, licensed therapist with an MD to figure out. And it's up to the two of you to create the solution. You're not going to learn it from a poll, from me or anyone else posting here, at least not with as little information as we have here.


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spzeidler
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Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 05:53 PM (#60353)

The description does raise the question for me: what are you running away from?

Maybe you are, and a therapist can help you nail it down, and fix it.

Maybe you're not, and in that case: if you're not unhappy being as you are, stop lying, and seek women looking for a casual affair who don't mind you just passing through (possibly repeatedly).

Repeated casual affairs with the same person(s) may be the best approximation for a long-term relationship for you if all your "problem" is that you've gotten used to having your freedom (about the trivial things, like leaving the toothpaste open) too much to really want to give it up.


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Friday, October 28, 2011 - 06:22 PM (#60354)

I went with "What can he do? He is who he is."

Admit it - you are a man-child. You fear responsibility, commitment, boredom, and routine. Your whole adult life up to this point has been an attempt to avoid these things. You are not alone in this, but changing what and who you are really has to come from within and with a real desire for change.

Being that you've spent over half of your question write-up justifing how you are a "master" at being a serial dater, I think your ego and pride in your "accomplishment" is going to be a huge barrier in any attempt at change at this point in your life.

Feeling a bit of guilt/hurt at an honest self evaluation isn't going to do it. You really have to be absolutely done with living your life that way if you want to change. Let us know when you hit 50 or 55. You might actually be ready by then.

Now, you're simply too ready to brag about what you've done as opposed to honestly evaluate what you should do.


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quats5
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Oct 2009
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 29, 2011 - 01:25 PM (#60355)

I saw a comment about inability to commit due to previous issues with a parent -- but it can be previous other relationships. My ex also is a non-committer, and I'm coming to realize is likely also a player. He had told me about his first serious relationship long ago, where he was thinking engagement -- but one night found the girl was dating other guys when the police called for him to pick her up from the station, drunk and having crashed his car while driving with her other date.

I think he's subconsciously afraid something like that will happen again; so only chases women who have other problems, so that if/when they don't commit to him then it's not his fault -- at least in his own head. Me, for example: he chased me when I was separated (not over him: he only suggested anything more than friendship well after my spouse moved out), but cooled as the divorce went forward and dropped me when it was final. Lately he's been telling me about the rotten relationship his "friend" is in with a separated woman still living with her husband, and how she's jerking his friend around and possibly cheating on him, while not pursuing a divorce -- and after months, I suddenly realized, the details match the woman I think he left me for -- someone he can pin the blame for lack of commitment on, rather than accepting it himself.

...y'know, he's in his 40's too, and the 'multiple towns' thing sounds accurate. Hope the OP isn't him!


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TheBigJerk
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Posts: 13

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Mar 2011
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, October 29, 2011 - 05:58 PM (#60356)

Too many x factors, you're going to have to accept you're a whore who will die alone or go find a therapist to dig out your various encysted malfunctions.

Though at a guess, you've "mastered" dating, which means you are really good at finding a particular "brand" of partner and playing the system that works. And also a guess, you can't find someone who would hold a challenge or keep your interest.

You're probably also afraid of something, even if you won't admit it to yourself. But that too is a guess.

If you won't see a professional to candle your head, try this personal challenge on for size. Try the monk's robe on for 12 months, go celibate and avoid romantic entanglement like the plague, play it single while still managing to maintain normal human relationships outside of romance. See what life is like without playing the field for a year. If nothing else it will get you ready for when your game stops working and your endless string of one-night stands and "lovin' then leavin'" relationships dry up and you grow old and die alone.

I suggest getting a pet.


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rorirose
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Posts: 26

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Jan 2011
Re: Long Term Disability (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, October 30, 2011 - 08:46 PM (#60359)

First thing I would suggest is psychiatrist. Because to me, this doesn't sound so much as a plea for help as much as bragging. You tire of a woman easily ... sounds more like you run off before she gets tired of you, too, and neither of you really get to know each other.

So you're likely hiding something, even from yourself, if you're eager to run to the next relationship before the first is dropped. And it's a blatant statement you have no respect for any of these women ... possibly you have no respect for yourself either to be doing this. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.

They say "even an old dog can learn new tricks" ... but you have to want to actually give it a chance and not run back to what you used to do. Otherwise, yeah, you're stuck hopping around between people who are never really going to know you or care for you in the end.


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