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POLL RESULTS: Friends With Benefits: (20 comments)

POLL: Friends With Benefits

Friday, December 02, 2011 - 12:00 AM

Q.: I'm in a difficult situation. My friend and I are in a friend's with benefits relationship. I want more, but he says he wants to stay just FWB so we don't lose the friendship. This is not the kind of relationship I want though. But everytime I try to leave or stop being FWB he gets all upset and says he wants more and that if I just stay around and give him time we will be more. This has been going on for 8 months now.. What do I do?
POLL: What should she do?
 
87% (1582) Leave him. He's playing you.
 
3% (62) Stick around for a few more months. He'll come around.
 
8% (157) Apply more pressure.
1801 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 12:41 AM (#60572)

Well, at first blush, this is difficult to call between "leave" and "press harder."

There's not much in the question that gives us insight onto the relationship. He certainly sounds immature from the tiny bit of info we get, but it is difficult to say that that is because he just wants sex, or that he doesn't know how to have more.

To play it safe, I said apply more pressure. you can make it clear to him that you can still be "friends" but at the same time also be more to one another.

of course, if he balks at that, then yes, leave, find someone who is willing to be more than just an FWB.


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abb3w
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Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 01:13 AM (#60573)

Let him know you're looking for something more; and that if he's not ready to take that step (or thinks that you're not the one to take it with), the honesty is well and good. Such honesty perhaps should be rewarded with some benefits as long what you're really looking for hasn't been spotted (and as he's good at benefiting you, too). Warn him, however, the moment the first more promising candidate gets as far as a first kiss (or you get as far with said candidate, whichever), his benefits plan will have been kissed forever buh-bye.

Be aware his heart doesn't seem to be in it; if he says he'll try for "something more", keep a weather eye out for straying eyes, hands, et cetera. Do note that "sauce for the goose" equity means that if he doesn't commit to that "something more", you can only in fairness expect him to be as discreet about looking around as you are.

He may grow up and settle down in a useful timeframe, but don't bet on it.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 02:24 AM (#60574)

Gosh, how to break it to you gently?

He doesn't respect you. You're being used.

A person who intends to commit commits, he doesn't say "Keep putting out and someday you might be more than just my bed buddy."

He has no reason to change. He gets nookie whenever he wants it, and this "friendship" seems to be nothing more than a convenience to him. You aren't friends with benefits, you're just a benefit.

At first I thought, "OK, he's afraid of commitment; lots of guys are. He could come around." But then I re-read this:

I want more, but he says he wants to stay just FWB so we don't lose the friendship.

He's saying that once he commits to you, the friendship is over. You'll just be "the old ball and chain," the woman who keeps him tied down. Why would you want a "man" like that?

He's treating you worse than he'd treat someone who is only a friend. If you leave him, he'll forget you in fifteen seconds. And if he ever finds a girl he does like and respect, he'll dump you like last week's garbage.

Oh, and whatever you decide to do ... make sure you use birth control. Really.


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DavidArgall
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Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 02:53 AM (#60575)

Step 1: Tell him you want a ring, to be followed fairly soon by a second one. [The odds are fairly good you will make Guinness for longest engagement if you don't insist on the 2nd part.]
Step 2: Tell him he is a friend without benefits until the ring shows up, and may become so again if there is any delay about the 2nd ring.
Step 3: If he doesn't come up, get out. [That may be the better idea in the first place, but for good or bad reason, you seem to consider him prime stock. It's not likely you will easily find what you deem better. So you might as well give him a last chance. But the saying is "You don't buy the cow when the milk is free." The benefits have to stop until he comes thru or you decide friendship is enough.


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rhahael
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Posts: 20

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Jun 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 09:16 AM (#60578)

"He's being immature", "He doesn't respect you"... all useless comments. What the hell is wrong with you people? He doesn't owe her any kind of commitment, actually he doesn't owe her anything. He is doing what he wants to, and she should walk away not because of stupid things like "you deserve more", but because she's a grown adult who can make decisions and go after what she wants. Do you want to justify she staying in a relationship she doesn't feel comfortable with the guy behavior? She's in because she wants to, and she will leave also because she wants to, not because "he doesn't deserve her".

Are you giving advice or babysitting kids around here?


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rorirose
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Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 10:12 AM (#60579)

Why are you stopping yourself from walking away from him? I think you know just as much that he isn't going to give any kind of commitment. He knows it, he's said it, so I can guess it's either a far-fetched hope that he'll suddenly turn around and desire to give you what you want, or you're waiting for this to play out until he betrays you by chasing tail and committing to them.

He's not your friend. He's using you. There's no respect. Just repeating what others have stated, because it's blatantly clear. Stop being his sexual doormat.


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Garwulf
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From: In my chair

Posts: 33

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Jun 2010
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 10:30 AM (#60580)

Rhahael has a point here. This isn't a situation where he owes anything - it seems to me that there is a definite reluctance to commit on his part, but I'm not sure if there is sufficient evidence to say that he is manipulating you (I'm not saying that he isn't - I'm just saying that there isn't enough evidence for me to call it in that direction).

That said, I used to be in a situation where I had a friend who I was in love with, and who would not let me within 100 feet of her dating life. That's officially, I should add - realistically, we spent at least one evening a week together, and were close enough that even my parents and close friends thought we were dating - all while she had a very active official dating life that I had no part in. I stayed in because I hoped that she would eventually come around, and start dating me properly.

Here's the thing, though - I wasn't silent about what I wanted. She may have been dating me emotionally and only emotionally, but she wasn't manipulating me. She just did not want to move on from what we had in any direction.

This kept up for over two years. Finally, I stopped lying to myself that I was alright with it and willing to wait, and told her that if were going to date, we would have to do it properly, and if she wanted to be friends, we could be friends, but we couldn't be dating anymore. It may not have officially been a relationship, but it sure felt like a break-up when it ended. But if I hadn't stopped lying to myself about how I felt and ended that situation, I'm convinced I could have chased her happily for the rest of my life.

(And, a few months after I did free myself of that situation, I met my current significant other, with whom it looks like I will have a very happy lifetime.)

So, my advice would fall under the "none of the above" category. I'd say to cut off his benefits, tell him that if you're not seeing somebody else when he's ready to have an actual relationship you will be receptive, and move on with your life. Either he will come around or he won't (my money would be on the latter). But, at least you'll both be in a position to move forward with your lives.


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delzoup
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Posts: 8

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 12:11 PM (#60581)

"..stay just FWB so we don't lose the friendship. ... But everytime I try to leave or stop being FWB he gets all upset and says he wants more ... give him time we will be more."

You know that you can be dating and still be friends, and if he wanted more he'd be actively pursuing more. He just wants to have a FWB relationship until he changes his mind-if he changes his mind.

But look, if you don't want a FWB relationship you don't have to endure it. Break up with him, and if he changes his mind to want more you can chose date him again. The odds are no worse for him choosing a serious relationship after a break up ("I didn't realize what a good thing I had, take me back!") than if you still had a FWB relationship.


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gesangbaer
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Posts: 4

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Dec 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 12:12 PM (#60582)

He might honestly be terrified of commitment.

If you really care about this guy then tell him your leaving unless you can get a commitment from him. You never know until you try.

If you just want a more serious relationship, but are ambivalent toward this guy, then walk away and look for someone else.


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Firesabers
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Posts: 2

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Nov 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 03:41 PM (#60583)

Deary, I'm not trying to mean and its possible what some other people have said are true, maybe afraid of commitment and all.... but, this sounds like a play out of a playbook. Personally, I would just leave. It strikes me as he is going only for the physical, which you have provided, and nothing else. Every-time you try to bolt he says 'just a little longer' and its been 8 months? No serious discussions about his feelings on the matter? Nothing he brought up on his own? Its a play. Let him go.


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swartzer
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Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 05:18 PM (#60584)

Tell him "If you care so much about the friendship, you'll surely want to keep it even without the benefits, right?" Then don't let him touch you for a week or so and see how it goes.

By then you should have a pretty good idea whether you still want him.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 02, 2011 - 06:51 PM (#60585)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#60574):

No reason to commit, yeah, because he's getting what he wants. All he has to give is lip service. Well...that's a start, of course. ;)

But I digress. As Murgatroyd says, he isn't in it for more.

On the other hand, your FWB is abiding by the original agreement. Time to end that agreement and go back to just being friends.
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bombastinator
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Posts: 8

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 03, 2011 - 09:47 AM (#60587)
In Response to eoraptor (#60572):

I'd do both simultaneously.

Demand a ring. Call him on his shit, state instances, and explain that you're a grownup that deserves respect, and neither you nor anyone else is going to sit around waiting for him to deal with whatever baggage he's vacillating in. Set him a deadline of a few days, and then don;t talk to him again until he's ready to give you an answer.


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chemboy
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Dec 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 03, 2011 - 10:28 AM (#60588)

You have got to be kidding me...you think he owes the cow that's "giving away the milk for free", anything? The Friends with Benefits title is just a way for a guy to get in a girl's pants. Sorry you fell for it.

Drop his ass, and find someone who's into actually loving you. Seek a commitment from the start. Don't let the guy slide by, just because your feeling a little randy that night. Make him show that he loves you through his commitment under pressure (and time), then when you've created a permanent committed relationship, then you can have your fun. You'll be happier in the long run and you'll have a guy worth keeping.

Old Fashioned? Yes. It's the time honored "social norm" because it works. "Free Love" only works for the guy, and rewards bad behavior.


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spzeidler
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Posts: 35

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 03, 2011 - 04:12 PM (#60589)
In Response to chemboy (#60588):

> Old Fashioned? Yes. It's the time honored "social norm" because it works. "Free Love" only works for the guy, and rewards bad behavior.

It also works for the woman if there is no plan for future children and thus no biological clock ticking. Provided the male "resource" is fun in bed, of course.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, December 04, 2011 - 03:02 AM (#60592)

It comes down to this:

They started a Friends With Benefits relationship. As long as that's what they both want, there's no problem.

Eight months ago, she told him that she wanted more than that. He could have said, "I'm not ready to make any kind of commitment, I'm sticking to the FWB agreement," and then it would have been up to her to either be content with FWB status or else end the benefits and try to be just a friend.

But that isn't what he did. He gave her the old "Oh baby, just give me time and maybe I can be more for you!" line. It's bullshit, and she needs to recognize that it's bullshit and proceed from there.

If she enjoys the sex and is content to stay in the FWB relationship just for the sex, then there's no need to alter the situation ... but she shouldn't expect him to change. But if she's looking for love and commitment, she won't find it with him, and as long as she's schtupping him then she probably won't find it with anyone else, either.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, December 04, 2011 - 03:12 AM (#60593)

rhahael wrote:

... because she's a grown adult who can make decisions and go after what she wants. [...]
Are you giving advice or babysitting kids around here?

Frankly, it's more like babysitting kids. If she can't see what's going on after eight months and has to write in to an advice column because she honestly doesn't know what to do, then she may have the body of a grown adult but she doesn't seem capable of making decisions on her own.


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JarJBinks
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Dec 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Monday, December 05, 2011 - 02:39 AM (#60596)

What they said. This guy hasn't gone the distance, and from the sounds of it, he's not going to. Maybe give him an ultimatum--commit or quit. Either way, the FWB needs to stop, if you want to find out how he really feels. If you're really terrific in bed, he may commit, just for that (but his heart won't be in the commitment; it'll be a more or less empty relationship on his end, I predict). If he had any intentions of committing, he may give it a shot (and it'll be good; he'll mean it). Or, if you were just a benefit, he couldn't care less; he'll just start looking for a new FWB, once he realizes he won't get it from you again without a commitment.


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knil727
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Posts: 1

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Dec 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, December 07, 2011 - 11:40 AM (#60603)

I kinda surprised no one has said anything about reading his sexual approach to you. There are certain tell-tale signs that someone wants something more emotional. Like the way they hold you afterwards, greeting with a kiss, hugging, and looking into your eyes. The most important part here is to figure out if you are already in a relationship even if he doesn't realize it. Hell go hang out at the movies then have dinner. Just to see if it feels like more of a date than just hanging out with sex waiting to happen.

   The best advice I can give is read how he acts when you hold his hand, just kiss his cheek, and if you can be comfortable just laying your head on his chest. Those are all physical signs of an emotional connection. Try to pull him in with actions cause words seems to scare the hell out of him. If he gets scared and backs off then start looking for something that can fill you emotionally.


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Pixiestick013
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Posts: 3

Registered:
Oct 2011
Re: Friends With Benefits (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 12:59 AM (#60614)

Wow, I think we must have been with the same guy.

My last "relationship" was a FWB type situation. I had a HUGE crush on the guy, but he only saw me as a FWB. And every time I pressed him to commit to a relationship with me, he'd use the same lines your guy's using on you.

Finally, I told him if he had ANY intention of being with me in an actual relationship, he'd better speak up. Shortly after that I permanently ended the whole thing.

My former "FWB" threw a fit and started insisting that if I had waited, he would have asked me out and that he had developed "real feelings" for me... Even going as far as trying to manipulate me into sleeping with him again.

I walked away and I suggest you do the same. Because what you're looking for is not there.


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