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POLL RESULTS: He won't put the moves on: (11 comments)

POLL: He won't put the moves on

Friday, December 09, 2011 - 12:00 AM

Q: I've been dating a guy for about four months. I feel really strongly for him, and possibly love him. He is very laid back and an introvert. He doesn't show much affection unless I initiate it. I prefer to be physically intimate every time we see each other. Recently things have changed. He started saying that he is tired or not in the mood, when before all I had to do was kiss him and touch his waist to get him in the mood. I feel like he is not as attracted to me or there is some sort of problem with his lack of showing affection. I told him I don't want to feel like I have to coerce my boyfriend to sleep with me - he should be making the moves. He said that sometimes he just wants to relax and snuggle. We didn't really resolve anything other than that he said maybe he needs to be more in touch with my feelings. Should I be nervous?

POLL: What should she do?
 
29% (399) Leave him. He's not into you.
 
29% (404) Learn to read his moods.
 
22% (312) Give him space and time.
 
10% (146) Jump his bones.
 
7% (102) Set a schedule for sex so no one has to initiate.
1363 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
akkhima
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 01:16 AM (#60615)

A relationship requires a lot of different kinds of compatibility, and if you're just not seeing eye to eye on sexual intimacy, it's probably just not going to work out long-term and would probably just lead to someone cheating to get their needs met. End it sooner rather than later.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 01:57 AM (#60616)

Difficult to say. on the one hand, he sounds a bit bipolar, which would definitely cause him to go through bouts of not wanting physical contact and wanting/expecting you to know his moods.

On the other hand, he could just be not that in to you, but not wanting to admit it, to himself, or to you.

Either way, though, if you feel your needs are still not being met after having a frank discussion, it may just be time to move on.


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lucasray
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Dec 2011
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 02:02 AM (#60617)
In Response to eoraptor (#60616):

It could be something else entirely. For instance, has something changed at work or with his family? Stress throws me WAY off.

Has he stopped exercising? Getting in shape spices things up right quick?

How often does he feel is normal for sex?

But really check the work/finances thing because most guys have a LOT of our ego wrapped up in our ability to provide. Now days, that means making money, whether we know it consciously or not.

Stupid evolution!

PS. I also like to snuggle and that sometimes turns into getting aroused, just not if I feel pressured.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 06:58 AM (#60622)

There's not enough info here. It could be as bad as he just got laid and fears he couldn't get it up again so soon. It could be his testosterone level isn't as high as yours because he's past his prime and you're coming, pun intended, into yours. It could even be you're using sex to compensate for lack of other bonds, no pun intended, between you. I repeat, not enough info.


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Azuaron
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Dec 2011
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 07:14 AM (#60623)

You should read a book called The Five Love Languages. He thinks one way, you think another, and the book will help the two of you clarify just how that is.


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Vexing_Conumdrum
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Dec 2011
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 08:00 AM (#60624)

Stop pressuring him. It will make it worse. He'll start to resent always having to put out because you're pressuring him to regardless of how he feels and he'll eventually end up getting no enjoyment out of it at all. All because you refuse to look past your wants to see what he NEEDS.

You said it yourself - he's introverted and laid back. He has to perform in public every day and tire himself out just to be social. In private, he wants to rest. He fucked like a rabbit for four months because he was splurging after a dry spell. Now that he's scratched that itch, he wants to rest and recharge his batteries. This has nothing to do with his interest in you and everything to do with being an introvert. You can either help him recharge by laying off or you can keep him continually exhausted trying to please you. And if you do the latter you're a selfish bitch who neither cares about his needs nor deserves a relationship with him. And eventually, he'll see that do and kick you to the curb like you deserve.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 10:24 AM (#60627)

I can't really give a good informed opinion on this (with one exception, which I will give at the end), so I'm not going to - I am, however, going to raise a couple of the questions in my mind after reading this inquiry.

1. What physical body types are in play here, and has anything changed in the last four months with them? Basically, could it be that you have gained or lost enough weight that you've moved out of the body type he considers physically attractive?

2. What is his side of this? I notice that there is very little said about where he is coming from, aside from starting out as an introvert. Or, more specifically, could there have been an incident of some sort that soured the relationship for him, and about which he kept quiet?

3. Is there anything more to the relationship than the physical? All you've talked about here is physical affection, but there is so much more than that involved in a healthy relationship. Could he have reached a point where he just feels like he's a booty call for you?

Anyway, those are the questions that come to mind. The only advice I would give has already been given - do not push this. The more you push, the more he will push back, and it can easily become a vicious cycle that steamrollers over the relationship.


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gesangbaer
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Dec 2011
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 11:48 AM (#60628)

Having been a guy in this position, I've gotta stress what others have said. Do not push the sex issue. If he feels stress to perform when he already feels like he can't it will make matters worse.

If he needs space give him space for awhile. The amount of space depends on the guy. If he's very introverted then he might need to be mostly alone. If he's just a little introverted then occasionally kissing him or touching his shoulder to let him know you're still there could be good.


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vorlonagent
Lover

Posts: 55

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Friday, December 09, 2011 - 02:39 PM (#60631)

I want to know what's so wrong with cuddling.

Does Our Girl have the classic male problem of not being able to accept physical contact and closeness in any terms but sex?


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, December 10, 2011 - 05:14 AM (#60634)

Maybe it's stress.

Maybe the initial thrill has worn off after four months.

Maybe he wants to develop a less coerced relationship than being obligated to go at it like minks in heat every time you see each other.

Maybe he's getting tired of you. What do you see in each other if you leave sex out of it?

Maybe he's having sex with someone else.

Maybe he has a physical problem. How old is he? Has he seen a doctor lately?

Maybe he thinks you're just using him for sex, and that you don't notice that there's a person on the other end of the penis.


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: He won't put the moves on (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, December 11, 2011 - 12:48 PM (#60638)

I'll note that the idea that "he should be making the moves" is hardly a sexually progressive attitude. Equal rights means it's just as much your responsibility as his. Depending on the subculture he's been raised in, he may even be used to a reversal on those roles; in a large chunk of geek culture, the women taking the lead is more the norm.

It also may be that his sex drive is shifting over from crazed weasel first lust to a longer term, slow and steady mode. In which case, there's also the question whether the two of you are looking for the same things in this relationship. He may be hoping for Ms. Right, while you may still be hopping for Mr. Right-Now.

Those aside, there were three major factors at play the time I was on the other side of this coin.

  1. Inadequate verbal communication.
  2. Stress, lack of sleep, and seasonal cycles kicking off a medium bout of depression.
  3. A fundamental difference in degree of sex drive.
Considering those....

#1 must be addressed, if it's a factor. Stereotype introvert would be likely to pay more attention to verbal cues than non-verbal cues. Talk more; don't assume he's going to pick up a cue or the implications if they weren't said out loud.

#2 is something that can be addressed. If it's just circadian rhythm (late August to early December is a pretty major difference), a half hour with a "sun wall" each morning might perk him up. The suggestions about exercise may help in some cases, but not always. Lack of sleep or job/money stress are less easily handled; however, if you're looking for a long term relationship you should be willing to make as much accommodation as you would expect the other way around. In serious cases, he may need medication. (Some antidepressants have a side effect of delaying ejaculation, which you might enjoy....)

#3 is usually but not always addressable. More traditionally the problem is His drive exceeds Hers; young adult median sex drive tends biased slightly higher for the male, partly from testosterone levels. However, there's variation; and a lass from the top of the female bell curve can well be a mismatch with a lad from the lower end of the male distribution. If you talk about how your needs aren't being met, you may be able to find a mechanism to work around the difference. If the difference is too wide, the relationship won't work. It would be polite to break up with him before you start messing around with someone else who catches your eye, and also polite to give him warning and a chance to address the problem before you dump him.


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