Strenghtening communications? Come on! I bet my hand she was already fucking other people when she started getting angry for him asking about them.
POLL RESULTS: Long Distance Roaming Charges: (10 comments)
POLL: Long Distance Roaming Charges
Friday, December 30, 2011 - 08:12 AM
Q.: I've been in a relationship with a person who was a close friend for going on a year now... She goes to school 6 hours away down south, it wasnt a huge issue last year but she would be in touch with me constantly. This year she's always hanging out with other people (usually guys). I 100% trust that she isnt cheating on me but she gets really angry when I get irritated at the fact that she's constantly talking about other guys.
Now she's talking about moving into a house with 3 of the guys and a couple girls next year for their living situation, and she's yelling at me telling me the gender shouldn't matter.
I don't want it to bother me but it does.
POLL: What should he do?
1506 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
posted Friday, December 30, 2011 - 09:52 AM (#60702)
Her being angry is your clue and if you try to buy a vowel it'll cost you the relationship. IF you aren't being overly reactive then she's upset that you want to be more than a friend, or friend with benefits, as the case many be. If you want more than she's willing to give find someone else.
posted Friday, December 30, 2011 - 10:09 AM (#60703)
Well, you say you trust her, so trust her. When someone goes away to college, they ALWAYS start to grow and change. She's probably excited to have more people who have things in common with her, where as in high school all of her classmates were there because of geographical convenience, not shared interest.
By the same token, she should be a little bit more understanding that you are insecure about her male friends. Getting angry with you will help neither of you.
And also remember, in this day and age, in this economy, a lot more people have to live together. She is right, it's likely that the gender of her roomies will not be an issue. Besides, even if all of her roommates were girls, there's a good chance one of them would be bisexual or lesbian... would that make you feel any less insecure?
It sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills and learn to trust and tolerate the changes going on in your lives even if you don't like them 100% of the time. You need to put on your big boy pants about her living situation, and she needs to be more sensitive to your concerns.
posted Friday, December 30, 2011 - 10:41 AM (#60704)
@rhahael: Are you two responding to the post, or the poll?
@Captainsmokeblower: They're already in a relationship. He's not trying to advance it, he's trying to keep from losing what they already have.
posted Friday, December 30, 2011 - 11:22 AM (#60705)
We have a few things going on here, all of which are normal and legitimate, even all piled together. Unfortunately each one seems to be contributing to the OP's sense of insecurity in this long-distance relationship.
Wizard's first rule: "People will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true."
The lie being believed in this case, subconsciously at least, is one of the girlfriend being more interested in the guys she's talking about and the guys she's planning to move in with than with her actual boyfriend, who doesn't get to see her as much as he used to because of the distance. It's not that he wants her to talk to him about himself, it's that she's spending more time with them and less with him, and her talking about them as part of her current social circle is triggering all sorts of jealously. HE should be the one whose there, spending all this time with her, doing all these things with her, not them.
And, you know what? He's right.
And he's wrong.
The people she's spending time with now are the people she's around. She sees them in classes, in clubs, in the cafeteria, in the dorms. They're her frequent and most readily-at-hand social connections. And she's making no distinction between the guys and the gals because, to her mind, there's no distinction to make. Each of them is her friend, nothing more, nothing less. The fact that this is setting off jealousy bells, while aggravating on both sides, is still something of a positive: It means he still cares.
If he was there with her, this probably wouldn't be a factor; he'd be spending a comfortable amount of time with her, he'd be part of her local social life, and he could see first-hand he has nothing to worry about. But because he's not, his mind (and possibly the other guys he spends time with) is making up all sorts of possible reasons why she's spending time with these guys, why their actions have any bearing on her attention, and it's driving him nuts.
At the same time, these are the people in her proximity now. So when she catches you up on what's going on in her life and around her, these are the people she's going to talk about, because let's face it, most of us aren't conceited enough to find ourselves sooooo interesting that we can be expected to not talk about anyone else and still have a decently long conversation. And the fact that she's willing to talk about the guys the same as the gals means that she's confident there's nothing for her to hide; otherwise, she'd be hiding it.
The bottom line is, do you trust her as much as you think you do? If you hired a PI to follow her around, and nothing happened, would that satisfy you? If you went down there yourself, and everything between you is the same as it was before she left, would that satisfy you? Would you still be satisfied after you came back, or would you worry again?
As far as the off-campus living arrangements, those are also nothing to worry about. On-campus dorm life comes with a lot of restrictions and overhead, and all the complications of having not just housemates but a roommate. As long as she has her own room, for the purposes of your concerns, it's really no different from a co-ed dorm. It's better, actually. She'll have her own true private space, and probably more of it. She won't have to find other sleeping arrangements because a roommate wants alone time with her boyfriend. She can lock her door when she leaves and no one will be going through her stuff. And you won't have to worry when you visit her about getting walked in on by a roommate or hassled by the RA.
If you want a test of her situation, ask her how she feels about you transferring to the same school she's at. Unless it's going to throw off your career plans because her school doesn't have your major, or there's no way on earth you can afford it and she knows it, or she's in a rotten mood when you bring it up because the effects of your jealous streak has already poisoned the conversation, there's potentially a good chance she'll like that idea.
Although now I have to wonder, why did she go so far away to begin with, and you not go with her?
posted Friday, December 30, 2011 - 04:51 PM (#60706)
This is very simple. You don't run her life, and you two do not have any kind of serious commitment together. She could be banging a dozen different guys a week, and at six hours away there is absolutely nothing you could do about it.
Now the simplest part, she doesn't run your life either. If you are done with her because you are tired about hearing all about her other guy pals and her great "platonic" relationships with them, then just tell her the relationship isn't working for you, and you hope she finds someone else who can make her happy. Then you go find a local chick to your liking and bang as much as possible to get over this former first love.
Wash rinse repeat, but don't get all hung up on a chick who is going to just keep you miserable with her free spirit attitude and accusations used as deflections from her behavior. After a few of these bang'em and leave'em relationships you'll learn what level of bullshit you are willing to accept to maintain a more serious relationship. Obviously she is generating bullshit beyond your current threashold.
I hope this helps.
posted Saturday, December 31, 2011 - 12:47 AM (#60707)
OP here, not sure how often people actually respond but here goes.
To clear up some other issues, we still talk every night when she's at school (and we are actively dating already and have been for a year and a half now) it wasn't as much of an issue her first year as she was more shy (which is why I paid so much attention to it this past year). Everything is fine when she's home and all seems to be well, we talked out the issue that made me post that question already and for the most part I've worked it out.
It had boiled down to a specific incidence where a very drunk one of her male friends slept in her roommates bed because he was throwing up all night and her/her friends didn't want him in his dorm alone, we have discussed it and she will no longer be the volunteer room for housing drunk guys, in exchange I will watch my attitude about aforementioned gentlemen.
thank you for the input everyone, we're hoping the new year brings about a change in the tension that occurred this past semester. Things have been better the past month or so and the holiday break has been wonderful and refreshing for both of us (she lives here during breaks, hence why we are still dating).
I hope everyone has a great new year (it'll be the first new year with the girlfriend as she was across the pond last year, so I'm looking forward to it.) and I'd be happy to answer any other questions (if anyone has them). I'll check back in the next day or so.
Thanks for writing up on this BG.
posted Saturday, December 31, 2011 - 02:23 AM (#60708)
In Response to LDRs (#60707):
Answers lead to more questions, in particular, where do you see this relationship going? Is she to be your business partner? [In which case you are likely best off getting her to leave college and get with the business.] Has she a particular career in mind? [If so, can you find a way to sell/move your business in a year or two?] The odds are quite substantial she will have to re-locate and if you can't, you might as well figure this is just going to be a close friendship.
posted Saturday, December 31, 2011 - 03:03 PM (#60709)
@LDRs: Welcome. It is a rare thing for an OP to sign up and respond to our comments and fill in some of the blanks.
@DavidArgall: I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. I didn't get anything from LDRs's post indicating he explicitly intends to pull her into the business. Even if he does, though, would it not make more sense for her to finish what she's going to school for? Especially if she has a Business or Management major, or a field which is related to the nature of the business. And if her major is entirely unrelated, she has her own career path, and it would be both unfair and inappropriate to aggressively push her away from it.
Also, just because a guy and a gal are living in the same house, does not mean they have, or are going to have, an intimate relationship. The fact is that if you are away from home and you have a relationship waiting for you back home, if you are secure in this relationship or otherwise consider it a keeper, you are less likely to consider the possibility of starting a short term fling locally. Aside from those questions here that are along the lines of "How do I keep from cheating with this person I'm so attracted to that I'm resisting the urge to throw myself at them by only the smallest margin of willpower?", we generally have to be open to potential new relationships before we'll allow ourselves to enter one. Someone who's found their Keeper and is firmly happy with them will no longer be open to a new romantic relationships, and may even be more comfortable forming non-sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex.
posted Sunday, January 01, 2012 - 06:26 PM (#60710)
I have no interest in pulling her into the business, it is my business and if she did ever express interest in it I would consider giving her a position, however she endeavors to become an educator and I have no urge to hinder her on that matter.
(I work in contract office IT services for reference, she's not entirely computer savvy.)
I suppose the whole "guys being a constant influence around her" situation is what initially bothered me, but judging by our previous interactions and how she's acted her entire previous life (we've been acquainted since sixth grade) I don't see it in her character to maintain an affair.
That said, if a "mistake" happens then I am out, if I am told by her current roommate (who I am also friendly with) something negative, than I am probably out.
It's not the end of the world if we break up, but I do care about her.
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