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POLL RESULTS: Can't spell BOFF without BFF: (10 comments)

POLL: Can't spell BOFF without BFF

Friday, January 06, 2012 - 12:00 AM

Q: I am getting a divorce and finding that I'm in love with my best friend. It seems that the two are related but they are not. I was already at the end of my marital rope when I discovered that my bff was the man of my dreams. He has been my best friend since 1986-7 and is someone that I talk to about everything. He has never interfered in my marriage and I never interrupted his relationships. We were the epitome of a platonic male/female friendship. Some of my friends say I should wait and get myself together first. My close friends say to get my man! If I could turn off my feelings for BFF, then I would so that we can get through this divorce. He has been part of my routine in life for the last quarter century and I am only 39. So what do I do now? I don't want to rebound. I don't want to ruin my longest friendship ever. I don't want to be stuck in something that is a mistake.

POLL: What should she do?
 
39% (648) Whoa! Hold your horses! If he's been you're BFF since the 80s, he'll still be around in another year.
 
21% (343) Slow down. You shouldn't date this guy until your divorce is final -- and then wait a little longer.
 
3% (54) Aw, heck! Go for it. This guy sounds like your soulmate.
 
1% (18) Go ahead and try it out with the BFF, but keep you other options open, too.
 
34% (566) You'd better find out how HE feels about all this first.
1629 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Pixiestick013
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Oct 2011
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 12:56 AM (#60753)

Honestly, wait. Give yourself plenty of time to make sure this isn't a rebound crush and to get your life in order.

Also, most people would think twice before getting into a relationship with a not-quite single, or even a newly single, person. So hold off on relationships and focus on getting through your devorce. And if, after time has passed, you still feel strongly about your friend, find out if he feels the same way and go from there.


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 01:20 AM (#60754)

Well, wait at least until the separation is official and legal. Also, do check with your lawyer, to make sure it's not going to be usable to make the exit from the old mess any more legally difficult.

After that... well, a lot more depends on your own personality. At least spend a weekend by yourself off somewhere quiet to think about it, "center yourself", and get your head in order. You might want to look around to see what other options are there besides the one right under your.

And, er... you might also check to make sure he's straight, and interested in a long-term committed relationship. If he's about your age and single, both are obvious questions. You also probably want to make a point of trying to take the relationship a little slowly.

That said... eh. "Mother Nature gives a sense of romance to young people, in place of prudence, to advance the species." How young at heart are you? At worst, it will be another learning experience.


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rorirose
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Posts: 26

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Jan 2011
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 01:33 AM (#60755)
In Response to abb3w (#60754):

As someone who has experienced this situation, you have two situations here you need to look at. One of them being how he might feel and the other being that you need to turn off that strong desire inside of you to be with someone.

It may seem like you need to spill this to him, to see what you two may have but you're also a mess right now ... enduring the wreck of one marriage and already thinking of those nights where the bed is now going to be empty. You need to get your life together first. Get back to where you're comfortable with just yourself before you consider if those emotions are still there after the marriage has passed. He hasn't gone anywhere in all these years, so I'm sure he'll be there once you've gotten yourself back together.

As for him ... are you even sure he feels the same? If he does, are you sure he wants to ruin your friendship with a possible relationship that may or may not work out? If you two dated, would you be able to continue to remain friends after? You can't just take your own emotions into consideration, but him and his as well. And I'm betting he's going to think you're after a rebound romance and set your sights on him. Or maybe he's been holding a secret desire for you all these years... you really want to muddle that up with unfinished emotional baggage from your soon-to-be-finished marriage?

And if you're afraid that someone is going to come along to snatch him up into a relationship, that may be your answer right there that he doesn't feel the same about you. Just enjoy the current relationship you have with him right now before taking a troublesome step.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 04:08 AM (#60758)

What They Said.

I'd only add this advice: When the divorce is final, sit down with your BFF and tell him what you just told us, in almost exactly the same words. (You might want to omit the "L-word" and say you've developed "new feelings" for him.) Make sure you tell him your reservations, too -- they are good ones. And then listen to his opinion.

He might have a very good reason for staying just a BFF for all these years rather than becoming a lover. He might understand that you two are better as friends than lovers, for any number of possible reasons.

I was in a similar situation after my divorce. I had a very close platonic female friend who helped me cope, and she too was going through a divorce. We were very fond of each other. We went out for several months after the divorce on "platonic dates" -- dinners, movies, concerts -- but no heavy romance. We even acted as each other's wingman in mixer situations. We almost decided to see whether we would work as bed buddies, but both of us realized that our personalities were sufficiently different that we would drive each other #$%&*@& insane. (A frustrating decision, because she was a major babe and a great kisser.)

The thing is, once you're lovers and you break up, it can be very difficult to go back to being just friends, and we valued our friendship. I have no regrets; she's far better off with her new husband and I'm very happy with the woman I started dating soon afterward and married a couple of years later.


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Burstaholic
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jul 2008
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 12:58 PM (#60770)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#60758):

Read "Marry Him: The Case for Mr. Good Enough."

Those qualities that make him your best friend are exactly the ones that will end up making him your best husband as well.

It turns out (see source for research) that the qualities we think we want in a 'husband' that makes him different from a 'best friend' are usually not what we end up really wanting in the long run, which is probably why your previous relationship ended in divorce, and this one wouldn't.


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 06, 2012 - 05:46 PM (#60774)

Let's take the other guy out of the picture for the moment since he is not a reason behind your pending divorce from your husband. My advice to any soon to be divorced person is that it is better to take the time to get comfortable with yourself as a individual person post divorce before you rush into another relationship.

Also your first "serious" relationship post break-up is in most cases going to end up as a rebound relationship if you don't take this time to get back in touch with yourself as an individual and no longer as part of a couple. Get your head on straight, be it six months or two years after your divorce before you get serious with another person. If you need an outlet for "relief", then by all means have a few (1-5) discrete brief casual flings to obtain that "relief".

Now putting your BFF back in the picture, if you think he would make good husband material, then at all costs keep him clear of your rebound/fling stage unless you are willing to blow up a twenty-five plus year relationship to get some casual "enjoyment". If after you get your head on straight he is still looking good as serious relationship material, then start pursuing that option then. I would recommend a minimum nine month moritorium post divorce before you explore going down that path with anyone.

I hope this helps.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 07, 2012 - 01:16 AM (#60776)
In Response to zmortis (#60774):

Now putting your BFF back in the picture, if you think he would make good husband material, then at all costs keep him clear of your rebound/fling stage unless you are willing to blow up a twenty-five plus year relationship to get some casual "enjoyment". If after you get your head on straight he is still looking good as serious relationship material, then start pursuing that option then. I would recommend a minimum nine month moritorium post divorce before you explore going down that path with anyone.

Reasonable advice, but I'd add one qualification: TELL HIM that this is what you are doing. Otherwise you run the risk of making him think you have no interest in him at all as a potential lover. As a result, he might (a) conclude that he should look for love elsewhere (and then he might find it, with someone else), or (b) think that you are somehow blaming him for the breakup of your marriage (and then he might distance himself from you).


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eoraptor
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Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 07, 2012 - 03:09 AM (#60777)

Pretty much what everyone else is saying... you're in a tenuous screwed-up mental place. The last thing you want to do is drag someone else along for that particular ride. Yes, if this person has been in your life this long, there is a good chance they may have been the person you were looking for all the time.

BUT now is not the time to try anything.

  • You could easily give your soon-to-be ex reason to be jealous, and do something legally or morally unsettling
  • You may be seeking comfort somewhere because of feelings of inadequacy, failure, and emotional or physical loneliness; and merely transferring your feelings on to your friend.
  • Even if he IS the one, you are not the one. You need to figure out who you are, separate of your ending marriage. Right now you are one half of a soon=to=be ended pairing. As only half a person, you are not in a good place to judge what is in your own best romantic interest
  • Go find someone to screw and get it out of your system. like most persons in divorce, I imagine you've not had healthy regular sex for a while. Find some mindless fun to clear your head and hormones out before you decide who you want to have more expansive emotions for.
My advice does differ from the others in one key way. Wait a while before you decide to tell him "I heart you in really stupid ways!" It will have a lot more honesty and weight behind it when you have had time to sort your head out and settled yourself down than it will while the ink is still wet on the divorce decree. He is likely to be skeptical if you suddenly say to him "I lurve you, but can we wait a few months?" because you're going to (rightfully) sound like an emotional flake in that case. Take a deep breath, find out about your newly single self first, and THEN see if you still feel the same way. Then and only Then should you broach the topic of "Me + You = Two".


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 07, 2012 - 02:48 PM (#60779)

Yeah, well, talking is good.

Now, I tend to be of the opinion, that Men and women can be friends - after they had sex with each other, definitely not before....

( http://thechive.com/2011/12/08/why-men-and-women-c ant-be-friends-video/ )

Why has this guy stayed your BFF for 25 years? I do not know, but I would think he covets you strongy, or at last did so for a long time.

You.
did.
not!

You where close to him for a loooong time, but it never occured to you he might be a potential partner.
And now, when an empty bed and a lonely, self-sufficient lifestyle is threatening you, you suddenliy "love" the guy - who has been an emotional pillar to you for more than half of your life.

I`d say you are afraid enough to be ready to use a guy who has loved for half of your lives. This will ruin your friendship and probably not last long.

I hope he gets over it.


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TheBigJerk
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: Can't spell BOFF without BFF (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 14, 2012 - 07:08 PM (#60835)

Seriously, why the hell did it take 25 years for you to notice?

Why DIDN'T you notice when the A-Team was making new episodes and why DO you now? Until you can answer those two questions honestly your feelings mean nothing.

I have friends of the opposite sex I have never wanted to sleep with, but any time I have felt an inkling of those feelings changing an objective analysis has concluded I found both the feelings and the change to be selfish and childish in nature. Maybe that is all me and the fact that I am a lousy person.

But maybe it isn't.


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