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POLL RESULTS: Where there's smoke there's fire...: (13 comments)

POLL: Where there's smoke there's fire...

Friday, January 13, 2012 - 12:00 AM

Q.: There's a lady at work that I'm attracted to. We're both single, and there's no office policy prohibiting relationships between co-workers. The problem is that she's a smoker and I'm a militant non-smoker. I can't help it, but I'm attracted to her. Should I try to date her and ask her to stop smoking?

POLL: Should this non-smoker try to date the smoking hot woman?
 
53% (860) No. Trying to change a person at the very beginning of a relationship is a bad idea. You have plenty of time for that after you're married.
 
31% (502) Maybe. Date her and find out. Maybe she just smokes after sex.
 
15% (248) Yes! People quit smoking all the time. Maybe she's never had a good reason to quit.
1610 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
preaction
Lover

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Oct 2009
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 12:14 AM (#60816)

"I have a huge problem with this person, but I want to do them anyway." How many long-term relationships got started that way?

Also, just because office romance isn't forbidden doesn't make it a good idea. Places forbid office romances for a Good Reason.


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Jeze
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Jan 2012
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 12:55 AM (#60818)

What's with the first two multiple choice options on this one?

If you claim you're militant about it, that's a pretty big elephant to have in the room while you're trying to build up enough of a rapport to be able to comfortably bring up the subject. Assuming it got to a stage where she agreed to give it a shot, changes in habits that don't come from within tend to be resisted fairly strongly.


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abb3w
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Jan 2008
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 01:03 AM (#60819)

Let her know if she's looking for a motivation for quitting, you'd be interested in trying to provide motive and distractions. If she's inclined, you might give it a try. If she says she's happy as a smoker, smile, thank her for her time, move on, and don't look back.

That said, the culture of the times may have been easier for my mom to get my dad to quit back in the 50s. Old school Catholics, ergo both virgins (they said; realist enough not to expect the kids to follow suit). He smoked his last on the steps of the church, and had... other things to develop an interest in for a few weeks.


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pollywog
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Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 01:25 AM (#60820)

Do you like kissing an ashtray? That might be a pretty big turn-off for you when/if you get to that stage.

You are wondering if you should date a smoker. What about how she might feel about dating a militant non-smoker?

If you can manage to talk over the issue as part of getting to actually dating and both of you still want to date, you might know your answer right there. If it is going to be that big a problem later, you probably won't get as far as dating if you bring it up before you start. So start with that - It's one way to let her know that you are interested and find out if she is, without leaving the issue hanging to hit you later.


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Stevarooni
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From: KCMO

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Jun 2008
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 07:34 AM (#60823)
I love this option, "Maybe she just smokes after sex." Heh. My assumption being that she takes the typical, frequent smoke breaks at work. She must be getting a lot at work, if you know she's a smoker. :D She'll get around to you, if so.
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bubble181
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Apr 2008
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 09:01 AM (#60824)

I say, try it. My current girlfriend (over 2 years now) was a smoker; we made a deal that she stopped smoking and I shaved my head. She hasn't smoked, nor have I had hair on my head, ever since. Of course, you don't know what'll work. Maybe she wants to quit and you can help her; maybe she definitely wants to keep smoking,... It's a problem in the relationship, yes, possibly/probably, but it's not guaranteed to go wrong, either.


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BlueD
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Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 10:13 AM (#60825)

Maybe is the only sensible answer here.

But seriously - if you abhor smoking, I dont see it working.

Either you like her enough to accept her smelling of it - and yourself after you have been with her - or you dont.

To walk up to her and tell her something along the line of "I like you. You can have me if you stop smoking" is maybe the dumbest thing possible.
You want her? ok, accept the fact that she is a smoker. Deal with the repercussions for yourself. And maybe if later on she wants to quit, you can be helpful. If....
You dont want to be with a smoker? Give it up, because she is.

Starting a courtship with your mind set on changing the intended, is, as has already been said, quite common, but not sensible.


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zmortis
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Jun 2009
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 12:32 PM (#60827)

This is easy to see, flip the scenario: "There's this guy at work I'm attracted to, we're both single. The problem is that he's a non-smoker, and I'm a militant smoker. I can't help it, but I'm attracted to him. Should I try to date him and ask him to start smoking?"

So the question is: Does a relationship with her mean enough to you for you to start smoking? Because it is pretty unfair and arrogant of you to expect you're worth enough as a potential relationship for her to stop at your request.

My best advice, if you are militant against anything, then don't try to date anyone who represents what you are militant against. That has nothing but future recriminations and disaster written all over it.


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gesangbaer
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Dec 2011
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 12:35 PM (#60828)

Some of my friends are in smoker/non-smoker relationships. They generally reach a compromise, like no smoking in the house or only smoking by open windows. The ash tray taste can be handled with decent gum or a tooth brush.

It can present a challenge, but if you can tolerate occasional wiffs of smoke then it might be workable.


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vorlonagent
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Oct 2009
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 13, 2012 - 01:55 PM (#60829)

No.

Just...no.

One of the biggest complaints men make about women is when we are married not for who we are but for who she thinks she can turn us into. And you're going to consciously set out to do this to someone else?!?

Just...no.

If you're ever tempted to think this is a good idea anyway...no.

Odds are you just want her because you see her everyday and that gives your imagination something fun to work on during your workday. I see women around my office I feel like that about too.

Go out and find someone built like her that doesn't smoke.

And in case I wasn't clear about this girl...no. Just...no.


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blaidemaiden
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Jan 2012
Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 14, 2012 - 09:52 PM (#60836)

I know a guy who was a smoker. He asked a girl out, and she said she didn't date smokers, so he took the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, crumpled it up and threw it away, then told her "I just quit". And he did, cold turkey. 5 years later they were married. I say it's worth a try.


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funnybonzo
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Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 15, 2012 - 10:27 AM (#60837)

I don't care for any of the suggested answers. Let me say that from my experience working in an office environment there are good reasons that office relationships are frowned upon. And the fact that despite you're attraction to the woman you're already questioning if you can get her to quit smoking? Go home and jerk off, but don't pursue this. You can't change people, they can only change themselves; and asking someone to change to suit your desires is the same bullshit move that women stereotypically pull on men.


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Sleddog
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Re: Where there's smoke there's fire... (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, January 15, 2012 - 01:35 PM (#60838)

I have a little experience with this. A few years ago I found myself strongly attracted to a woman who smokes, and I'm a non-smoker who up until that point in time would deny the possibility of a relationship with a smoker outside of my family (my mothers smoked for years). And yet, the attraction was so strong that very quickly I found myself being willing to overlook the smoking. For her part, she tried to quit smoking using Chantix but found that the side effects of the drug hit her pretty hard. I'm not saying that the non-smoker in this relationship has to give up his principles, but I think there has to be a willingness to bend on the part of both parties in this sort of relationship. If you aren't willing to compromise a bit then maybe this woman isn't for you but if you are, then maybe you can both compromise and make something happen.


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