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POLL RESULTS: Used and abused?: (8 comments)

POLL: Used and abused?

Friday, January 20, 2012 - 08:47 AM



Q.: I recently got out of a long term relationship (8 months ago). I started dating and found a girl I had/have strong feelings for. We hit it off rather fast, but when I invited her out to meet my friends/coworkers, she paused and told me she really doesn't want a full-on relationship. She then said I was just really good in bed and fun to hang out with. She just wanted to keep doing that, but without the whole meet-my-friends-and-parents part. She also recently got out of a long-term relationship only 2 months ago. I'm going along with this hoping its only going to take time for her to warm up to the idea.

POLL: Is he being used for sex?
 
37% (530) Yes! And he'd better appreciate it. He's got all of the benefits of a girlfriend and none of the baggage..
 
12% (178) Yes. And he'd be better off moving on to a more fulfilling relationship.
 
49% (695) Not necessarily. She might just need time. This guy is smart to stay in the zone for a while.
1403 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 20, 2012 - 09:59 AM (#60889)

You're both in a rebound relationship, commonly characterized by sex with someone fun to hang with and little else. At the very least, she's indicated this is how she sees it, and it may well be that the main reason you hit it off so well in the first place was precisely *because* you each saw the other as a safe, no commitment way to rebound without hurting someone else.

Keep in mind, a rebound is selfish, it's all about "me", which feels safe to someone who's just come out of a long term and is still trying to figure out who "me" is again. She'll need that recovery time before she can begin to consider who she could be an "us" with again, and it could take a while; are you willing to wait that out? What about you, are you sure you know who "me" is again yourself, apart from your former "us"?

Whatever the reasons though, it doesn't mean you can't both be each other's next long term, but it does mean taking it slow and waiting to make sure both of you are comfortable with who "me" is once again. It also means discretely starting to ask the sort of questions you'd ask of any potential long term partner; feelings aside, there may be major issues she's hiding from you (or even you from her?) in the interests of "just having fun" which you two are completely at odds on, whether it's kids, religion, morals, finances, hygiene, politics, personal interests or something else. Depending on what you find, you may decide staying just friends is the best thing to do here.


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eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 20, 2012 - 01:31 PM (#60891)
In Response to DoubleStar (#60889):

Have to agree with all of this. From the question as presented, it is equally possible the two of you are just in that "hanging out" phase with someone you are comfortable while you rediscover yourselves.

Or that you have found someone you are more deeply comfortable and compatible with, but that neither of you are quite yet ready to open yourself up to that hurt again in the chance that it could all go tits up on you.

My advice is to take it nice and slow, and continue to gently probe for those sorts of life questions that DoubleStar brings up, much like a soldier probing for land mines. If she continues to remain resolutely closed off, then either you're going to have to be a supremely patient man, or you'll need to move on to someone else who is also ready to have something more than FWB.

Not to say that patience is a bad thing, of course... they say the best things worth having are worth working for. And someone who is bohemian on the outside may be a fiercely devoted partner underneath given the right patience and guidance. Just don't get to a spot where you're rolling the boulder up the hill and thinking you'll some day reach the top.


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quats5
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 21, 2012 - 10:35 AM (#60895)

One thing that worries me in this scenario: she wants to keep whatever relationship you have secret. I can understand not wanting to take your part-time lover to meet your parents, but concealing him/her from friends, too, is a red flag. Why does she want to hide you? It's easy enough to introduce someone as a casual date, or even just "a friend". What else is she hiding?


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 21, 2012 - 12:45 PM (#60896)
In Response to quats5 (#60895):

Well, to be fair, introducing a significant other to your parents is a signal of a confirmed relationship, and a fairly large step. It took me a bit of time before I was ready to introduce my girlfriend (now fiancee) to my parents. I wouldn't necessarily call it a red flag unless it was a confirmed relationship and she still wanted to keep it secret.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 21, 2012 - 12:48 PM (#60897)
In Response to Garwulf (#60896):

Oh, I should add (before I appear to completely miss the point of quats5's post) that a similar thing goes towards meeting the friends. It is also a signal that two people are "together." And, the same thing as with the parents - it is probably only a red flag if it has moved to a full-on relationship and she still feels that way.


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bucketsgirl
Lover

Posts: 10

Registered:
Mar 2011
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 23, 2012 - 04:21 AM (#60902)

So the woman honestly and bluntly told the OP what she was looking for in their relationship (sex and hanging out, no official relationship or commitment)? And the OP admitted he is only going along with this because he is hoping she will change her mind?

Get out of that relationship. She had blatantly stated she will not give what he is looking for. Right now, he is being dishonest with her (by agreeing to these terms when he actually wants something else), and his emotionally and romantic needs are not being met. Both parties are going to end up being screwed. Stop messing around with her, start seeing other people.

If she changes her mind later and wants a relationship with him, then, well, awesome, go ahead and pick things back up! But letting things just continue the way they are not is going to result in everyone getting hurt.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 23, 2012 - 10:48 AM (#60903)

A major problem for all relationships is what each of you want out of the relationship now, what each of you will want out of the relationship in the future (that you're both unaware of or denying now), and what your relationship actually becomes over time. From this perspective enjoy what the two of you have, but understand your relationship will change over time.


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whatwouldIknow
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Jan 2012
Re: POLL: Used for sex? (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 23, 2012 - 06:52 PM (#60905)

Um, why am I in the minority regarding MOVE ON? Re-read the question, but substitute genders: it suddenly sounds like a classic "the other person is actually still married, but lied about it" scenario, right?
So - the "recently got out of a long-term relationship 2 months ago", how ACCURATE is that information? I'm getting red flags and sirens, here.


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