forums

welcome! please login or register.

 

 

 

POLL RESULTS: Keeping secrets: (20 comments)

POLL: Keeping secrets

Friday, February 03, 2012 - 12:00 AM



Q: My guy and I were sharing sexual secrets and he told me something that for me really crossed the line. It was about him and another guy that happened back when he was still in college. I can’t get the idea of him being sexually involved with another guy out of my mind. It’s changed things for me. I’m ready to bounce but I feel mean because he was being only being honest when he told me.

POLL: Should she leave him?
 
20% (475) If it took that little to shake you up, there probably wasn't much of a relationship there in the first place
 
7% (165) If you feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. Bounce.
 
38% (865) Aw man, you're not playing fair. You asked for a secret and you got one. Be careful what you ask for next time.
 
33% (769) Try to be more open-minded. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
2274 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
preaction
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Oct 2009
You can't unring the bell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 12:15 AM (#60973)

You both agreed to open Pandora's box, and now you want to run away? You should. He obviously deserves better than you can give him.

What major change happened as he told you that? Did his head grow another eyeball? Was he struck deaf, dumb, and blind? Probably nothing at all changed except your knowledge of a single piece of information that makes up the full person that you claim as yours.


Locked profile
eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 12:40 AM (#60974)

Yeah, not playing fair doesn't even begin to cover it. You asked for this and got precisely what you asked for.

He did nothing wrong, and it was obviously LONG before you two even knew one another existed, and he shared something that was possibly deeply personal. So it marks you as either a homophobe, fundamentally insecure, or incredibly petty.

I'd say bolt, because he obviously deserves better than someone who has to seek justification for a bad decision from an advice column.


Locked profile
DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 01:13 AM (#60975)

I'm reminded of a sequence of scenes from Kinsey... Dr. Kinsey and his research assistant have just returned to their hotel after spending some time studying a gay bar in Chicago. The conversation ends up with them trying it experimentally. They get home and Kinsey tells his wife, and she's furious...

The reason she was angry wasn't that he had sex with a guy, though; it was that she had sex without someone other than her; she'd had some homosexual fantasies of her own, but hadn't pursued them because of her marriage vows....


Locked profile
rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 03:15 AM (#60976)

The main point in all of this is that it happened before you. You have no right to hold it over his head, no matter if it was the same sex or opposite sex, and it shows how small-minded you're being over being upset over the gender of his bed partner. Like the others said, if you can't be mature and show him that he didn't make a mistake by being fully honest with you, then you need to leave him to someone who will treat him far better.

By the way, way to go for teaching him not to trust his future partners with personal memories.


Locked profile
DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 04:31 AM (#60978)

Now you do probably want him to be tested, but if we assume it was only a one-time event, it is presumably no concern for you. A weakness for whips and chains would be a much more serious matter.
Of course, you do want to make sure it was a one time event. Probably it was. One would think that he would know that saying "once" can be heard as "once a week" and so would not try such a lie, but we men do tell a lot of obvious lies. So making sure it actually was only once may be a good idea, but it really seems like it should be a small thing from your view.


Locked profile
Stevarooni
Lover

From: KCMO

Posts: 64

Registered:
Jun 2008
Re: You can't unring the bell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 06:06 AM (#60979)
In Response to preaction (#60973):

Very good post. Granted, it might change her answers (and eligibility) when she goes to give blood, but.... She asked to know.


Locked profile
BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 06:11 AM (#60980)

Well, It is still quite a hard thing to do for a mainly straight guy to admit some bi-curiosity or homoerotic fantasys.
I know a load of guys who would rather cut out their tongue than admit to such feelings or experiences.

So: Respect an Kuddos to this guy, he has been honest toward you in a way that is not easy to do and bears the risk of grave emotional consequences,

You on the other hand...
You asked for it, you got it.
The question remains: why does this bygone thing affect you like that?
I have made the experience that a lot of women cant deal with such a thing. Possibly because guy-on-guy attraction is beyond the control of you gals, who are used to be able to lead us on with just a shake of your chests.

I´d say you are either bigotet or very, very insecure.
As already stated - its in the past, you asked for it and its a game not even played in your court. There is no other women there threatening to "take away your man"
So the problem is yours.
Either try to get to the ground of your feelings and wor them through, or let him go on to somone better.

@DavidArgall
"He did a guy, there is immense risk of him being an infectet pervert - test, test, test him!"
Really?
Aint that a teeensy bit prejudiced?
I´d say every couple deciding to quit condoms should do some testing and agree to fidelity or at least safer-sex should one stray.
Completely regardless of orientation, everybody who hat previous sex could be infectet with some STD. That you are quick to equal homosexual contacts with STD-risk say a lot about your basic bias.


Locked profile
NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 08:33 AM (#60981)

Mention any same-sex behavior and you find out who really cares for you.


Locked profile
bombastinator
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: You can't unring the bell (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 11:26 AM (#60982)
In Response to preaction (#60973):

There is one caveat though.

Is the guy actually gay and just running from it? Or did he discover he's straight?

If he's not gay then I agree, with the general assessment of terminal shallowness an immaturity, but if he is then a relationship is pointless in the long term.

That's not shallow, that's just how it is.


Locked profile
gesangbaer
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Dec 2011
Things better left unsaid ... (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 01:15 PM (#60983)
In Response to preaction (#60973):

If you aren't prepared for "anything" then don't ask for personal secrets, whether the other person is your lover, you friend, whatever. I've witnessed this sort of morbid curiosity ruin all kinds of relationships.


Locked profile
zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 05:16 PM (#60985)

I'm with the former military philosophy on this point "Don't ask, don't tell". Talking about what happened with past sexual partners can only bring problems into a current relationship homosexual, heterosexual, or otherwise. Sometimes it is simply the best policy not to ask and not to volunteer this information to current partners.

There are many dimensions to this problem; too many partners and you're a slut; not enough partners and you're undesirable; bi-curious and you'll possibly leave your current partner for the opposite type; into kink and you're a freak; not into kink enough and you're boring. I can't think of a positive experience which comes from being too detailed about your sexual past with a current partner.

My response to these kinds of queries - Yes, I've been with others, and No, I'm not prepared to discuss the details. I'm with you now, and that is all that matters.

That is both the honest and polite response to these kinds of rude and intrusive inquries which most often lead to trouble. Sometimes it is best to simply show the person you are with that they are all you need.


Locked profile
wolfrun65
Lover

Posts: 5

Registered:
Jul 2011
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 03, 2012 - 05:19 PM (#60986)

yeah, might as well take off because same sex should not be treated any different. Also, to those saying, 'get tested' should realize it is just as easy to contract HIV or STDs from man/woman as man/man. Everyone should be tested from time to time if not in a monogamous relationship.


Locked profile
Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 04, 2012 - 01:32 AM (#60989)

I wonder how she would have reacted if his sexual secret turned out to be that he'd been with a woman who was way, way better in bed than she was?

Never ask a question if you don't want to hear the answer.


Locked profile
DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 04, 2012 - 02:27 AM (#60990)
In Response to BlueD (#60980):

Unlike other STDs, AIDS is lethal [It is becoming less so all the time, but it will still be a generation before doing an infected boy is not taking your life in your hands.] and the prime way to catch it is to play around with boys. The risk he is infected may be small, but the cost of being the rare exception is way high. Testing for the hetrosexual may be a good idea. Testing for the male homosexual is a necessity.


Locked profile
PCBernard
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 04, 2012 - 03:09 AM (#60991)
In Response to DavidArgall (#60990):

Actually, this is false, the prime way to catch AIDS is drog use, the risk of being infected while having sex is really small.

According to the Center for Disease control and prevention states that 0.67% of needle sharing drug use will result in a transmission of the virus, and only 0.50% in a sexual relationship where you had passive anal insertion. If you only did active anal insertion, the risk goes down to 0.065%.

It goes without saying that does not protect anyone from contracting HIV on your first unprotected sexual intercourse, but, you can ask any doctor working with HIV-positive patients, the amount of patients that contracted HIV from sexual intercourse is almost inexistant compared to drug abusers.

So, to get back to the point, yes DavidArgall, your post and the OP sound a little prejudiced.


Locked profile
The1Paladin
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Mar 2003
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 04, 2012 - 11:33 AM (#60993)
In Response to DavidArgall (#60990):

In response to any and all who think he needs to be tested because he had a homosexual encounter:

I hope you all realize that is a bigoted statement.

Everyone should get tested as a mater of course when you're starting a relationship with a new partner regardless of gender. That is just a matter of common courtesy. I would hope they *BOTH* got tested and shared their results with each other.

What is getting lost in the discussion about testing is that the original poster needs to self examine *WHY* they feel like they do after hearing about "this one time in college..." I should hope we *all* have a story that starts that way. *grin*

Anyway, the OP needs to figure out what is actually bothering her. She then needs to start a serious discussion with her current boyfriend. If she can't come to terms with it he needs to know and he needs to know *WHY*.

If in the end this is the end of this relationship he needs to know that it was a problem within HER not with his honesty that caused the break up. The last thing he needs is to think that being honest about something is going to make him loose his relationship.


Locked profile
BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 04, 2012 - 11:51 AM (#60994)

"Testing for the hetrosexual may be a good idea. Testing for the male homosexual is a necessity."

And there is the prejudice!

A heterosexual gangbanger, barebacker and promiscuos person runs a higher risk than a gay remembering his mind in the moment of heat and using a condom.

Its about the readyness to forego safer sex, not about the sexual orientation. That whole thing is but the echo of the "vengeance of god"-myth from the beginnings of HIV, where people thought only gays could get the disease.
But alas, you are right in this: in gay circles this seems to be more commen.

But to my knowledge, that is a male trait.
Condoms do not feel nice, and minus the risk of pregnanca, a lot of guys rather tend to "forget" the rubber, nonwithstanding the risks. Or the partner...

So we would have to know what the OPS boyfriend did, an how. We dont.

In the end, as already said: who has unprotected sex runs a risk. Never mind with whom thex do it.


Locked profile
DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 05, 2012 - 03:59 AM (#60995)
In Response to PCBernard (#60991):

The statistics offered on the drug-AIDS connection are suspect, and more important here, simply irrelevant. We do not how often or if the boyfriend is involved with needle sharing. Accordingly, we can not say if he should or should not be tested due to drug use.
We do know that he has engaged in boy-boy sex and those who do are around 100 times as likely to have AIDS as boys who have not. It is possible his particular odds are much lower, but it is only possible. Our girl may be risking her life if she does not have him tested.


Locked profile
Noire
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 05, 2012 - 04:04 AM (#60996)
In Response to BlueD (#60994):

I think the reason why the first thought of someone when introduced to the idea of a partner having a singular, or even repeated homosexual encounter, is to ask if they've been tested is not necessarily because of bigotry.

Condoms are used now as much for prevention of stds, but their original function was more focused on preventing pregnancy. Which you don't need if you've got incompatible pieces to the baby making puzzle. Most of the sexually active people I knew in college were a lot more worried about having a baby than contracting AIDS, for example. Maybe I just knew stupid people in college, but I don't think condoms would have been as high on the list of priorities in a homosexual experimentation. Should be, but might not have been.

So it seems logical to me, with an incident that happened when the people involved were younger, that the use of a condom isn't necessarily a given.

I do think perhaps.. "Did you use a condom?" Is a more appropriate question than "Have you been tested since that?" but, I can also see the logic that isn't just the "Gay sex means you have AIDS!!!" thread.

Secondly!

I can understand how a homosexual encounter, (Or the reverse against a homosexual relationship) would be more upsetting for the partner not doing the switch up. Precisely because there is no way you can really fight for your man or woman, if they want the opposite gender! You can't shave or get new clothes or change your habit of yelling on the phone to try and entice the straying partner back.

I do agree with the general vibe of advice toward the reader, though. If you're not ready to know, you shouldn't ask. Since you did ask, and it bothers you, you should really look into why. It may be that this relationship will work, although if you can't set your mental house in order, I think that's unlikely.

So, figure out why this bothers you so much. If it's something that can be dealt with while in the relationship, go for it, just be sure to be open and honest and all that. And if it isn't, then take this as a learning experience, and let sleeping secrets lie.


Locked profile
PCBernard
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Keeping secrets (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 06, 2012 - 05:05 AM (#60999)
In Response to DavidArgall (#60995):

David, you said, and I quote "the prime way to catch it is to play around with boys". The statistics were just a way to show you that your statement is wrong, the "prime" way to catch AIDS is to partake in sharing-needle-drug-use.

As for testing, before having any unprotected sex with a partner of any sexual disposition, you should both get tested, and not only for AIDS. Even if it is way rarer, Syphilis, Hep-B and Hep-C can be lethal (not even considering the probability of cirrhosis in the long term), and no sexually transmitted infection is fun to have.

Saying that he should be tested because he played around with at least a boy, a least once, years before is prejudiced. Yes, our girl may be risking her life if she does not have him tested, but the fact that he had sex with a guy is not relevant in that affirmation.

Engaging in gay sexual acts does not make one that more likely to be HIV-Positive than just being sexually active. That's where the supposed bigotry that I and a few other posters felt in your comments come from. That does not make you a bigot, but it does sound bigoted, and that's why I gave you those statistics and comments.

On top of that, you could verify these numbers yourselves fast enough on the net, they come from the Center for Disease Control and prevention. The number of homsexual infected is higher, but the probability of catching it is higher among drug abusers, and the number of heterosexual females catching it is higher among females having sexual intercourse with drug abues (more than helf the infections) than females having sex with bi- or homosexual partners (6% if I recall). You do not have to believe me, just go and check at any CDC or ask a professional.


Locked profile
Discussion: POLL: Keeping secrets | Login/Create an Account | 20 comments
Threshold:  Locked
The Fine Print: The above comments are owned by whoever posted them. We are not responsible for them in any way.
Hell, let's face it, we're not responsible for anything; including the things we say, do, or think. And if you sue us because you think we are? Well, we're not responsible for that either.

 





(C) 2005 Brad J. Guigar. All rights reserved. Use of content or images without the consent of the author is prohibited.