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POLL RESULTS: Booth Babe Blues: (12 comments)

POLL: Booth Babe Blues

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 12:00 AM


Q: I have the great fortune of having a geeky girl for a girlfriend. We met at Comic Con, play WoW together, cosplay together, etc. We've been together for several years, and have only had a few arguments in all that time.

One of those arguments was about my female friends. I never have been -- and never would be -- disloyal, but my girlfriend gets very worried that one day I'll run off with one of them, no matter how many times I tell or show her that she's the only one for me. She is also very sensitive about anything she perceives as "keeping secrets" from her because of experiences with previous guys.

So here's the kicker. She has a friend who's a "booth babe" at some of the conventions we go to. This girl is actually surprisingly cool and used to invite the two of us over to her place to watch movies and play video games and stuff. But in recent months she's been avoiding us. Then last week, she told me that the reason is because she is attracted to ME, and is afraid of screwing things up between my girlfriend and I.

Meanwhile, my girlfriend is still inquiring from time to time about why her booth babe friend no longer wants to hang out any more.

So, what should I do? If I tell my girlfriend, she'll probably go into meltdown. If I don't tell her and she finds out that I didn't tell her, it'll be a NUCLEAR meltdown. And there's always the possibility that if I tell my girlfriend, she might not even believe me. (I don't think I would believe me. Booth babe's boyfriends usually are much better looking and make about 3x as much as I do, so to be honest, I'm a bit shocked that I could be causing all this soap-opera level drama.)

What should I do?

POLL: What should he do?
 
6% (84) Dump the insecure girlfriend and date the hot booth babe.
 
24% (317) The booth babe is infatuated. The girlfriend is in love. Don't mess up a good relationship for a fling. And good golly, DON'T tell the girlfriend about this!
 
53% (702) Talk to the girlfriend. She'll understand. And make sure you're not alone with the booth babe.
 
15% (206) Threesome!
1309 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Zonker
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 02:51 AM (#61090)

Here's what you do.

You have your booth babe friend talk to your girlfriend while you're in the room.

You say "The reason why we stopped getting invited over is because {$NAME} didn't want to interrupt our relationship. I appreciate that she was candid with me, and I had no real idea how to bring it up to you."

"I love you dearly. I'm flattered that {$NAME} finds me attractive, but her instinct was the right one - I'm spoken for."

Then kiss your girlfriend, play a nice makeup game of Mass Effect 3 with your SO and your mutual friend, and chill out some.

You should also never, ever buy a lottery ticket. You've already got about two lifetime's worth of luck there.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 04:23 AM (#61092)

I humbly submit that the girlfriend needs to ask the "booth babe" friend this question directly, that the friend needs to answer truthfully and squarely. And then the three of you figure things from there.

As for the friend's alleged attraction to the OP being hard to believe... Looks and money aren't everything. If she finds all of these wealthy good-looking guys to be really shallow, if they have quirks or habits or prejudices which bother her or expectations which make her uncomfortable, or if it turns out they're all just using her as a "beard", it may increase the attractiveness of someone who's a proven friend. Never underestimate the importance of being comfortable to be around.

I'm reminded of something from one of Robert Asprin's Myth novels. There's a character who comes across, when she's first introduced, as pure Sex Kitten. As the main character comes to know her, once he finds out she'd rather be an accountant than arm candy, she eventually tells him that the Sex Kitten types don't actually get all that much in the way of sex. Normal guys who'd treat them well, find them too intimidating, too unapproachable. And the guys who don't have that particular problem, don't treat them very well.

If things don't get too awkward after the girlfriend and the booth babe friend have the necessary heart-to-heart, it may be in everyone's best interest if the OP can find one or more of his male friends who is of a similar personality and temperament to his, and set up a double-date. Preferably a blind double-date, at least from the guy's side; if he knows who she is, he'll either be too scared to say yes, or totally get the wrong idea and plan inappropriately. If things don't work, you may be back to awkward avoidance... but if they do, helping her find a viable partner for a stable relationship instead of another in a string of fly-by-nights may be just the thing to resolve all this awkwardness and stabilize things for everyone.


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JonahGrimm
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 07:46 AM (#61093)

... okay. There are a couple of issues here, and, frankly, I don't like the Poll choices at all.

Ignore for a moment the whole 'booth babe' aspect of things, and you've got a situation in which someone who is attracted to you is stepping back to respect your relationship - there's nothing wrong with that at all. Communication is key to most relationships, however, and these two ladies should talk to each other about the distance that's grown between them. You can't necessarily solve that issue, save to look at the girl you're with and encourage her to do so. The issue is in their friendship, not yours.

You've also got a problem where your girlfriend's jealousy issues are causing you to debate something less than honesty with her. Love her as you must, but it may be time to sit down with the girl and point out that her jealousy is becoming (or has become!) an issue. If you're avoiding the discussion because you're terrified of a meltdown, this doesn't speak well of her ability to be rational about your relationship.

I'm not saying "dump her", but I am saying y'all really need to talk. At length.

On the short term? You should be honest with her. In the end, just telling the truth has a way of working out - and for a lot of reasons that are a bit too long for a comment on a blog post/advice column. In the shortest possible version: if you can't communicate with your other half honestly, you've got bigger problems than a jealous streak and an awkward situation.

Frankly, it sounds to me that this girl's jealousy is becoming a dealbreaker. If you don't work it out, and this is a prime opportunity to do so, you're likely to run into serious obstacles in the near future.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 09:56 AM (#61095)

Gotta go with JonahGrim, who has this nailed.

There are multiple things going on here, but the one you truly need to deal with is the jealousy issue, and this is a prime opportunity to deal with it. Not that doing so will be easy, but it's not going away either since as you point out this has been an issue for years. I cannot agree enough with the sentiment that this is such an issue it is affecting how honest you believe you can be with GF, and that has to stop. Lasting relationships (and particularly love) are based mostly on two things - honesty and respect; mess with either and it often becomes a dealbreaker.

I will add that the GF and the BB talking out BB's problem may or may not be ideal, but unless you yourself have a problem with BB's attraction for you, that's for them to work out. GF sounds like the type who equates attraction with infidelity, and that's not true. Attraction is not something that can be controlled. Instead you control what you choose to do about it. There will be times in life when everyone is attracted to another even while in an otherwise excellent relationship; what you choose to do - or not do - about is the key, and is something your GF needs to understand. You *choose* to love her and remain with her even when another attractive person comes along, just as she must choose the same (that's actually the whole point of marriage, BTW). Perhaps it might help to point out that her jealousy is the same thing as telling you she doesn't trust you. And if you can't trust each other, there's no relationship.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 10:08 AM (#61096)
In Response to DoubleStar (#61095):

Dangit, have to ammend myself slightly - relationships are based mostly on TRUST and respect; trust is mostly developed through honesty over a period of time. Not telling someone something is not the same thing as being dishonest, but it often is perceived as such.

Point remains, however - GF's jealousy is the same thing as saying she doesn't trust you, and you need to be able to implicitly trust each other or there's no relationship.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, February 22, 2012 - 05:06 PM (#61099)

I would take the avoid the discussion approach. If you haven't done anything to invoke the jealousy of your girlfriend, then you certainly shouldn't have to answer for the feelings of the booth babe, and her reasons for not coming around any more. If your girlfriend is wondering, then it is up to her to ask booth babe about it.

While I agree that communication is key to keeping trust in a relationship, you are not responsible for communicating other peoples feelings to your girlfriend, only your own. Tell her how you feel about her, and tell her the truth about it. Anything else is simply not your problem. Sometimes not starting the conversation which will inevitably lead to a fight is just as important as revealing your knowledge about a subject.

Also if you know for a fact you have never committed any questionable acts, yet your girlfriend is always accusing you of such, then she made be projecting her own behavior upon you. It might be time to look into the guys she's been hanging out with behind your back as well. Understand that a lot of guys are frankly pigs who have no respect for the relationships of others. If your girlfriend is both insecure and jealous, she makes a prime target for players who boost her esteem while self justifing her actions as doing the same thing she believes you could doing behind her back.

Just a friendly warning.


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Sanityfaerie
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Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 23, 2012 - 12:31 AM (#61102)
In Response to zmortis (#61099):

I'm going to have to take a bit of a contrarian position. Triggers are triggers, everyone has them, and the fact that your current girlfriend is prone to insecurity and jealousy because she's been burned before doesn't seem like it's been a deal-breaker thus far. Sooo...

First, yes. Talk to the girl. She may go into a bit of a meltdown. That can be okay. If she's got a lot of repressed emotional energy built up around this stuff, then being able to vent it isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you can handle it while it's happening and she doesn't somehow blame you for it later. The booth babe is stepping away out of respect for your relationship, and because being that near to something she shouldn't have is uncomfortable for her. Let her. Tell the girlfriend that your friend started being attracted to you, is pulling away because of it, and that you think that's wise and are letting her. It hits awfully close to a trigger point, and may indeed cause a bit of a meltdown, but once it's over, if she's capable of being rational about it, it ought to make her feel more secure, not less. You won't be hanging out with the potentially dangerous friend, so there's no extra risk there, and she gets a bit of evidence that maybe she can trust you to talk with her about this stuff.

Still, you do need to talk about the general problem as well. Her trust issues are making you think about hiding stuff from her. That's an ugly downward spiral just waiting to happen - and if you can figure out how to fix it now, it doesn't have to. In particular, the two of you should be working on working through some of them. Letting her talk about it and vent helps. Figuring out what she needs in order to feel secure helps - and so on.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 23, 2012 - 05:50 AM (#61104)

Tell your girlfriend ... or better yet, have the Booth Babe tell your girlfriend.

Yes, she might go nuclear. So what?

If you lose her because of this -- something that is entirely not your fault -- then it means she wasn't worth keeping anyway.

I repeat: If she walks because of this, then she is doing you a favor. She would have made your life a living hell in a permanent relationship.


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Celebriel
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 23, 2012 - 11:24 AM (#61105)

As a gamer and a woman, I would like to offer another point of view for consideration. Your GF's jealousy issues are more of a confidence issue on her part. From my own experience, a lack of self confidence can make her feel so insecure that she may believe that you can't possibly really like her. (Think of how you feel about booth babe's attraction to you.)

In the end though, I can only reiterate what has been previously mentioned... Talking will be a big help. For the "soap opera" issue, I think that all of you should get together and talk. I agree that it would be best coming from your mutual friend, but you should be there to support your GF and reassure her that she has nothing to worry about.

On the jealously issue, that is also definately a conversation that you should have, but with just the two of you.


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Celebriel
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, February 23, 2012 - 11:29 AM (#61106)

I'd like to point out that I think Sanityfaerie stated it perfectly above ;)


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horak
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
May 2009
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 03:03 PM (#61116)

Girls with jealousy issues are all too often cheating on you. Life's short, bail on the GF and hook up with the Booth Babe!


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rhahael
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Booth Babe Blues (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 27, 2012 - 04:36 PM (#61139)

Double what horak said.

Also, you have a girlfriend, many girl friends and a crush, you're just doing it all right. Let them beat each other to death with jealousy rage and paranoia. It's not your fault that they are crazy and any attempt to reconcile parts will only backfire on you.

Really, it WILL!


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Discussion: POLL: Booth Babe Blues | Login/Create an Account | 12 comments
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