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POLL RESULTS: When WOW turns into WoW: (11 comments)

POLL: When WOW turns into WoW

Friday, February 24, 2012 - 12:00 AM


Q: I’m happily married and love my husband but lately he feels more like a roommate than a lover. He never was the go-getter type, but now he’s seems to have all interest in sex. He spends a lot of time playing videogames like World of Warcraft while I take care of our three kids. I also work outside the home. I’m very frustrated. Help.
POLL: What should she do?
 
15% (316) She should get more aggressive... wear sexy outfits and initiate sex more often.
 
46% (928) She should talk to her husband about her feelings.
 
10% (216) Learn to play WoW
 
27% (541) They both need to get away and re-kindle
2001 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
darkgolem
Lover

Posts: 13

Registered:
Oct 2009
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 08:54 AM (#61111)

To be honest, that's a bad sign. Those games are a form of stress release, just as if someone compulsively worked or drank or whatever. It's entertainment to escape for a while, which is fine in moderation but this doesn't sound like that.

Talk to your husband, maybe get couples counseling if that doesn't go anywhere, if it's really bad then maybe he should get therapy.

There's nothing wrong with a hobby, but for a married person, the priority should be wife/husband/kids overall.


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Dreaux
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 10:55 AM (#61112)

Games like that eventually get routine and start to feel stale.

May just need to give him some time, feel out when it's loosing its glamor for him, and then plan about of week of some fun time away from it that'll spark his interest in outlets that aren't as consuming.

Make sure to express your concerns to him. Be careful how you approach your expression as he'll probably be defensive over his stress release mechanism, and you don't want to inadvertently trigger a "retreat to the game" reaction from him.

Probably not the best approach, but you may want to consider creating an account on his server and talking him into helping you do things in the game or playing your character for you. Maintaining all the accounts will make the game into more of a chore than he'll want to play. This has the drawback that you're not finding a replacement outlet for the underlying stress problem but hopefully he'll eventually see that spending time with you and the kids is what's really rewarding.

Just make sure to put a dash of your concerns into the mix from time to time w/o triggering a defensive reaction from him. When he receives your concerns positively have some suggestions of other stress releasing activities on hand and see if you can get him to take ownership of the ideas through getting him to plan them, or just inquire about things he'd like to get out and do and let him take it from there. Don't get mad/sulky if he doesn't want to disengage from the game on your time line. Remember he's dealing with an underlying problem of stress in his way. Eventually, he'll come around, and, if he's a great guy, he'll be thankful you were there for him when he needed it.


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TLoATDaE
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 11:28 AM (#61113)

Seems like Stress to me.
As someone who has been through a real serious batch of it lately, seeing someone throw themselves into a 'distraction' like WoW is not unheard of. A potential Addiction, such as WoW, can be even more detrimental than the source, if left alone.

My suggestion is: find the source of the stress and see if you can help relieve it! If it's done in the 'right' way, you'll see a lot more affection in return for your efforts!

[Note to Forum Admins:
"seems to have all interest in sex."
Might read more accurately as:
"seems to have lost all interest in sex."
Accurate Communication can be Everything ;) ]


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whatwouldIknow
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
Jan 2012
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 02:20 PM (#61115)

I need to be clear here on what you are thinking is the problem - is it his lack of attention towards you, or is it that you think he's not carrying his load of responsibility towards the kids - leaving you with all the work?

Your husband has found a hobby, which is ok, but you feel the hobby is taking up too much of his focus, which is definitely not ok.

Unfortunately, WoW and other online, multi-player games require a lot of time commitment, in order to be at all successful. I would know, I've played EQ, EQ2, DDO, and Vanguard pretty regularly since 2001. These games can be addictively immersive. Also, they don't have a "save game" option that allows you to drop the game at a moment's notice. Being online is a cooperative effort - there are others playing the same game that are depending on him to play his part in the team/group. Its a social faux pas to just drop out of the game.

It is best that you talk with him and set some time boundaries:

1) Set aside a particular weekday where you and he spend time together (get a WoW account of your own, and spend time online together? Get a babysitter, and get out to dinner/show/movie/dancing?).

2) Have a "family night" where all the kids and you do something together (Movie night? Scrabble? Trivial Pursuit?).

3)See if he can avoid getting online until after the kids are in bed. Point out that you would like some help with the day to day routine.

4) Make sure there's a time that he can definitely play the videogames! Remember, this is his hobby and he's got an interest in it.

And finally, he's playing the games as a form of relaxation. If you want him to focus on you more, make sure that he's getting that relaxation when he's with you, too.


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mist42nz
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2012
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 24, 2012 - 05:44 PM (#61119)

So he's not independently motivated type.
You have a bunch of kids.
You are a major provider in the relationship.
You take care of the kids.

What's in this relationship for him?


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DugganSC
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
May 2010
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 25, 2012 - 05:54 PM (#61122)

I second the need to talk it over. Also, consider one of those marriage encounters. It's amazing how effective it can be to get away for a weekend of just spending time with each other in a guided manner. Almost every couple I've known who's gone to one of these have been like teenagers making out on the couch for the next month.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 26, 2012 - 10:42 AM (#61125)

It could be stress, or depression, or even thyroid problems. Escapism can be a safety mechanism, but it also means the problem isn't being addressed. Talk to him a bout it and go see a counselor, if he says the game is either more important or helps him cope.

There's no reason he should give up gaming, but I have met any number of people for whom a stupid "Raid" is more important than sleep, hygiene, relationships, food or work. All those need to come first and if a "raid" conflicts with those, the group will just have to muddle through without him. It's not as if anything real will suffer from his absence. It's a game. If it's not just a game, then he needs help.

There's no correlation between hours involved and "getting good." They're complicated Skinner Boxes.


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 27, 2012 - 09:34 AM (#61132)

All good answers above, depending on what underlying reasons or problems exist.

First off, as the others have said, the endorphin rush some folks (like me) get from these games can be highly addictive. Second, as others have said, they are cooperative efforts with no save point; once he starts a particular session he will feel very compelled to finish it for multiple reasons, and attempting to get him to quit in the middle will make him feel a lot of animosity towards you. Third, these games are also a big form of escapism. For me, it was to escape the depression of being without work for over a year, for the husband of another friend of mine, it was to escape having to deal with being a father, something he had come to both dread and despise, even while feeling terrible (and terribly guilty) about despising it.

There are other reasons as well, but the above answers offer good advice. Start by telling him he is ignoring both your needs and the needs of his family and children, and ask him to limit his time online; one of my friends with a family limited himself to two sessions a week (and recently cut himself back to one), where each session tends to last between 3 and 5 hours (the amount of time needed to successfully complete a typical RAID). If he cannot (or will not) limit himself this way, then he is either addicted, escaping something, or both, in which case you should seek therapeutic help.


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rhahael
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 27, 2012 - 04:31 PM (#61138)

I think I have already seen enough assumptions based on a one sided story. I could bet if we do come and ask the Husband himself he'll say something like "she fends me off for sex so often that I just gave up" or "I prefer WoW, since at least in there I get to see some sexy curves in sexy outfits"


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 27, 2012 - 06:52 PM (#61140)
In Response to rhahael (#61138):

If the upper ideas that rhahael suggested are a go for Hubby dear, then there's another dreaded possibility that can pop up. The ONLINE ROMANCE! While that likely isn't the problem, there's always the worry that hubby is going to get what he wants online than from his wife, and while it may just be temporary gratification he's searching for ... the point is, he can get sucked in.

As WhatwouldIknow pointed out, there isn't a pause for that type of game. You lose sense of time, sense of reality, and even common sense. So step in, try to get him to a counselor and talk with him to find out what's going on. If he really just wants an hour or two to unwind, then pick up the game to share that time with him, but do your best to keep him grounded in the here and now.


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BlueD
Lover

Posts: 24

Registered:
May 2009
Re: When WOW turns into WoW (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, February 28, 2012 - 01:29 PM (#61145)

Well, Looking at myself and some of my nerdier friends I lean toward the "escapism" theory.

Those games are erxtremely well designed for you to just get out, denie the realities of your life.
And from what I see, thats how they are used in most cases.

So that leaves you in the awkward position of beeing part of a life he does not want to live, but probably isnt aware of it or simply ashamed of his wishes.
so he flees in the only way he can.

Talk.
Maybe you can turn the situation, maybe not. But it wont grow better by nagging and forbidding his flight. better adress the reasons, or let him get out.


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