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POLL RESULTS: Turning 40 clearly was her problem: (23 comments)

POLL: Turning 40 clearly was her problem

Friday, March 16, 2012 - 12:00 AM



Q: I am a divorced mother in her 40s. After I turned 40, I realized that I had become completely invisible to members of the opposite sex. It was a very odd feeling. They could look right through me and see things behind me. When I was in my 20s I had no shortage of suitors. But now that I am single again, at this age, what are my chances of finding anyone besides leftover losers?
POLL: What are her chances of finding love after 40?
 
6% (127) Did you hear something?
 
76% (1471) Your chances are still good. You might be trying to catch the glances of the wrong guys, though.
 
6% (124) You're right. Your left with the leftover losers.
 
10% (194) I swear I heard something...
1916 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Futabakun
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Sep 2010
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 12:28 AM (#61226)

I was with her all the way up until her last three words. If I understand her right, it seems as if someone who'd choose to spend time with her now MUST therefore be a 'leftover loser' so why bother trying to find out if they are of any potential value? Lady, give those guys a fair chance, 'cuz the ones you deem desirable are looking for desirable ladies, not another leftover loser.


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vinie
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Mar 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 12:40 AM (#61227)
In Response to Futabakun (#61226):

I took "leftover losers" to mean Divorced people over 40 and thought I saw the problem. The only thing that little 20 something can give me is her mothers phone#.


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DanialArin
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Apr 2009
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 01:54 AM (#61228)

"Leftover" does not mean "loser". Just because a guy isn't married, or isn't still married, at 40-something, doesn't mean he's not worth having. Lonely, sure. But loser?

The fact is, at 40-something, you're probably more likely to find an older guy. He may have given up on having kids. Or he may already have kids from a previous relationship. But he's (hopefully) somewhat established in his career and his interests.

Ignore the throwbacks with their cherry red Midlife-Crisis-Mobiles. Try online dating sites, the local gaming and comic shops, and your friendly neighborhood science fiction convention. Seriously, there are a number of guys who hang out at the conventions who are single even into their forties because they have a hard time approaching women. Get past their shyness by being a normal person with (hopefully) a common interest, and once you've got communication...


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tweell
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Mar 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 02:05 AM (#61229)
In Response to Futabakun (#61226):

So, you're divorced with child(ren) and coming up on menopause. Why would a man with options choose you over someone who doesn't have kid(s) and can give him a family? My bet is that you're overpricing yourself in the relationship marketplace.
1. Do a brutally honest self-assessment.
2. Look at your must-have relationship checklist, pare it down to under ten entries.
3. Sift through those leftover losers, you might find a rough gem in there that can sparkle.
Good Luck!


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DavidArgall
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Nov 2010
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 03:14 AM (#61230)

The odds are worse than they were 20 years ago in just about every way, but there are still plenty of women who get lucky at your age. So you should not be desperate yet. Still, you might want to look at the alternatives to having a man around the house. A cat can ignore you just as well as a man can, except at dinner time, and you can make sure he is not out chasing somebody else.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 07:14 AM (#61233)

But now that I am single again, at this age, what are my chances of finding anyone besides leftover losers?

Um ... And what do you think you are, lady?

With an attitude like yours, I suspect that potential partners want you to be invisible.


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Alysandir
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Mar 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 09:14 AM (#61235)
Speaking from the perspective of a 40yo widower, I'm sorry to say that this woman's attitude is all too common in the mid-life dating scene for both men and women. That:
  1. they were the target of a lot of attention in their younger days so why aren't they now,
  2. everyone who is single at 40 *must* be divorced/separated or too undesirable to have anyone want to begin with, and
  3. that they aren't going to "settle" for anything less than their perfect ideal and that they're wasting their time if someone isn't that *on the first date!*
To which I have to say...hogwash. Look...people end up single for lots of reasons. I lost my wife of 14 years to cancer when I was 36. It's not like we couldn't make it work; we had a great relationship. But life isn't a fairy tale; people die all the time. That doesn't mean the remaining partner is somehow a "reject" or "loser."

Furthermore, if you find yourself wondering why you seem invisible, it's because, honey, you ain't 20 anymore. You can't just expect suitors to come rolling in at the drop of a hat just because that's the way it worked 20 years ago. You have to make the effort to do things that will allow you to meet people, which can be damned hard when managing a career and taking care of kids. You also have to accept that the dating pool is a lot smaller than it was when you were 20, so God forbid, you might have to take a hard look at your dating wish list and really figure out what's important to you, if you want a realistic shot at a relationship. Which leads me to my last point...

A lot of folks are surprised to find out that dating in mid-life is like going on a job interview. On that first date, you might as well show up with your resume and make your best sales pitch, because if you aren't everything he/she wants, you aren't getting a second date. That is, there is this sense of urgency with dating in the mid-life that you can't waste time getting to actually *know* someone before making a decision, they either have to be your ideal, or you kick them to the curb. I've asked a number of ladies about this, and they all say the same thing: they don't want to settle. Beg pardon? Settling is choosing to be with an alcoholic that verbally and physically abuses you because you don't want to be alone. Settling is *not* kicking someone to the curb because they don't have washboard abs or all their hair or a salary you think you deserve! It's not about preserving your "fairy tale ending," but about finding someone you're compatible with to share a happy life with, realizing that you both have some wear on your tires and at least some baggage. You don't get to be 40 without accumulating *some* baggage; the trick is finding someone whose baggage matches yours. :)

-Alysandir
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littlejoe
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Mar 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 09:50 AM (#61236)

This woman may indeed be a loser as well, but in her defense she hasn't had to face the dating scene in many years. In her own head she still sees herself as the hot 20 year old that had anyone she could want, and it's a gut check to jump back into this at 40 and realize the game is different.

So the first step is to do a reality check - she needs to consider her attitudes. Why did her marriage fail? What did she do wrong that needs correcting? What was wrong with the guy that made the marriage break down? What is she looking for in a new partner? Her question makes it sound like she's walking into this with a bad attitude and terrible expectations - she's setting herself up to end up alone or with nothing but the losers she's so worried about.

Second, she needs to examine the package she presents. How do I look? Am I in great/good shape? Have I gotten a little soft in the middle? Do I look like a Biggest Loser contestant? I'm in my 40s and don't look like I did 20 years ago; guaranteed she's changed too. Having kids changed her body, and she needs to acknowledge that. Maybe it's not fair, but looks still matter, and it's important that she be realistic about her chances, or do something to improve them.

Maybe this is too much to expect, but she really needs to do an honest self-assessment before worrying about the types of people she'll end up with. Or she's just a delusional, self-centered jerk who will get what she deserves.


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Zonker
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Nov 2009
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 10:30 AM (#61237)

I'd like this woman to think long and hard about what dating is like for guys. I know, I know, I'm talking about "my problem" rather than trying to win her favor by fawning over "her problem" as though it's the most important thing in the world.

When you're a guy in your 20s, there are lots of pretty, single girls. And a lot of competition for their attention. To get through that competition, you have to present yourself as being "extraordinary."

You know. Play in a band. Have a salary in excess of 40K a year. Look like Brad Pitt. Be "exciting" - which is chick-speak for "Will spend money like water to impress me."

If you write fantasy novels, or have a hobby where you paint miniatures, or a hobby where you play video games? Forget it. You're a loser, give up those hobbies or give up getting laid.

Let's say you've listened to women kvetch about their future ex boyfriend, who stopped being exciting and is now a douchewad. You know, abusive. Doesn't treat her like the center of his universe any more. Has temper problems. Gets moody...and so you try to be everything he's not: A good listener, considerate, willing to put your potential SO on a pedestal...and you become invisible, because there's someone who's willing to be "exciting!" to fill the gap after future ex boyfriend becomes ex boyfriend. At best, you get "friend-zoned."

Some of us got tired of the hypocrisy of having to "be exciting" so that women would notice us, only to get rejected when we started being ourselves.

Lady, you're now in the same spot 90% of guys have been in since their 20s.

1) Try going to places where you're not competing with 20-year olds.

2) Try developing an interesting hobby or three. May I suggest taking up hobbies that men actually enjoy?

3) Try showing up at dates with an attitude of "Hey, let's have fun." rather than "What rock did YOU crawl out from under?"

Or, get a cat and a plug-in vibrator. It lets you avoid rejection and all of us "leftover losers."


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wolfrun65
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Jul 2011
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 12:47 PM (#61238)

This doesn't say how long the divorce is...but here it goes. As one of the recent 'leftover losers' (in process of divorce filing by my wife), I have to agree with the current assessments.
a: Take some time off 'looking for Mr. Right' and assess yourself. One of my friends said, 'take 192 days to find yourself.' Why 192 days? Because it is a weird number and you will remember it, the # of days does not really matter... finding who you are does.
b: Do things that you find interesting and hang out with people of similar interests.
c: Realize what you consider a Significant Other...is he/she someone that will shower you with stuff, someone to go and do things with, or someone to take care of the kids while you do your thing?


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Meander
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Aug 2008
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 01:50 PM (#61239)

Stop dating 20-year olds.


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TheBigJerk
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Mar 2011
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 04:59 PM (#61240)

Lot of topics lately have been reminding me of the saying, "the only constant in all your failed relationships is you."

As others have already said, you are a "leftover loser" honey. Pure biology says you're a lousy mate (over 40, already have kids) and for romance beyond animal reproduction, well, I don't know you but your first impression ain't a good one.


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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 05:20 PM (#61241)

For some reason the term "Leftover Loser" pretty much sounded like the pot calling the kettle black to me. You are not 20, the guys your speed are also not 20 anymore either.

The problem isn't that there aren't guys out there you can date. The problem is that your personal standards haven't changed with the standard of your person.

Try to make yourself into someone who all the guys fight over, or settle for the fact that by your age all the good ones have been long taken, and you are left with the ones just as broken as yourself.

You're damaged goods. Time to stop being so picky about other damaged goods.

Have I gotten my point through enough, or will your insistence on double standards and an unrealistic view of your situation continue.

I hope this helps.


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Murgatroyd
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Jan 2008
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 05:31 PM (#61242)

Oh, one more thing that others here have already touched on ...

When I was in my 20s I had no shortage of suitors.

Let's face it, when people are in their twenties, physical attractiveness plays a big part in geting people interested in each other. But for people to stay together past that initial impression, their goals, interests, and personalities need to be compatible. People in their forties have lost that bloom of youth, and personality is both more important and more visible.

I suspect that when you were in your twenties, all you had going for you was your looks. Now that they've faded, people can see that you don't have anything else to offer.


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horak
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May 2009
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 07:55 PM (#61243)

Wanted to chime in here and agree with a couple other posters.

First, you aren't in your 20s guys won't chase you like they did then.

Second, if you are newly divorced, take some time off. Anyone I've met that gets divorced is really screwed up for a really long time. Maybe you are an exception, but take a few months/years and 'find yourself' or whatever.

Third, look at what you bring to the table. If you are more hassle than you are worth most guys won't bother.


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Fireeater
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Apr 2011
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 08:03 PM (#61244)

So I, a female, got divorced at 38. I was overweight and had two teen boys at home. Who was going to want me? I wondered.

But I figured I might as well try, and decided to be very honest, and put my geeky self out there, weight issues and all.

In the first week of online dating, I had 8 guys contact me. I was overwhelmed! It turned out lots of men were interested, lots!

What attracted them to me? My honesty and my interests. And a nice smile, they said.

Just last month I celebrated my 40th birthday and my boyfriend proposed.

So I have had exactly the opposite experience: I have had TONS of men interested and got to take my pick. My goodness that was an ego booster!


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baquiano
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Jun 2011
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 09:51 PM (#61245)

Considering that a great number of people get divorced, those that do can't be considered losers. As a man in his 40's with children, women my age with kids are more attractive than younger ones that want to start a family. Kids are a lot of work and having to convince a young woman that you don't want more of them will quickly make her look elsewhere.

Don't go after the young guys. Find a divorced man willing to give himself and a potential partner a second chance.


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smparadox
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Mar 2009
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 10:02 PM (#61246)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#61233):

Well put - the attitude makes her a loser.
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bobb123
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Feb 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 16, 2012 - 10:26 PM (#61247)

I have to say I had the same experience as the geeky gal a few posts up, got divorced in my mid thirties and had plenty of gal pals for quite a few years before I picked up a lady 4 years my senior..because she was truthful, fun, sassy and honest. You just need to relax, stop thinking life needs to revolve around a relationship and go out and have fun. It'll happen when it will.


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Garwulf
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From: In my chair

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Jun 2010
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 19, 2012 - 10:57 AM (#61249)

There have been a lot of very good posts here, and a lot of what I would have otherwise said has been said. So, I'm not going to add too much here...

The original poster strikes me as being very shallow, to the point of it being a turn-off. Her complaint is all about the attention that used to be paid to her by men, and now isn't. So, besides the fact that she's vain and has children, what do we know about her?

Seriously, OP, who you were 20 years ago and the attention you got then doesn't matter now. What matters is what you can bring to the table today - and if all you can focus on is that once you were hot and wanted but now you're not, then you won't get very far.


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rhahael
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Jun 2011
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 19, 2012 - 11:13 AM (#61251)

I am really (seriously) saddened that I must tell all of you that you just wasted your time trying to explain what went wrong.

If rational explanations really worked on humans we wouldn't even see this poll. And her last sentence clearly exposes that your good advice will be thrown to waste because it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

Also, another thing you don't want to hear, lady: 20's you're hot; 40's you're not.

No more adventurous exciting hookups. That's the actual reason of your distress.


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tbright1965
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Apr 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 06, 2012 - 11:58 AM (#61349)

I see I'm not the only one who noticed the leftover losers comment.

Wants to be judged favorably, but seems willing to judge others unfavorably.

Sounds like the problem may not be her chronological age, but her emotional maturity.


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BriteOwl
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Apr 2012
Re: Turning 40 clearly was her problem (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 16, 2012 - 07:26 PM (#61424)

Look to your self image as a source of your invisibility

.

Stop assigning yourself the "divorced mother in her 40's" identity and morph to "single woman in her prime ready for a loving relationship".


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