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POLL RESULTS: Getting some on the side: (12 comments)

POLL: Getting some on the side

Friday, April 13, 2012 - 12:00 AM



Q: So my girlfriend went to New Orleans for business she'll be there about three months more, anyway I mentioned to her how much cyber sex sucks and she told me that is was ok if I get some on the side, now I know she said it's ok for me to, and I have this friend who's been after me for a while, but I don't want to ruin things with my girlfriend, what do I do?

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POLL: What should this person do?
 
2% (59) You've got a license to guilt-free cheating. What are you waiting for?!
 
29% (771) If your girlfriend tells you its OK to cheat, she's probably already cheating on *you*
 
49% (1288) Have a longer conversation about what this means for your relationship. Is it OK is *she* cheats? Are you OK with that?
 
14% (389) Don't do it! It's a trap!
 
3% (88) Threesome!
2595 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
eoraptor
Lover

Posts: 37

Registered:
Apr 2011
Re: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 12:38 AM (#61395)

This is one of those rare ones where I find myself trapped between two responses. On the one hand, the territorial male in me is saying "Yeah, if she's telling you it's okay, she's probably already doing it."

On the other hand, The intellectual in me says, "If she is going to be away for an extended period, and she has suggested this, perhaps you both should seek do define what and how this affects your relationship."

At the end of the day, in a traditional monogamous relationship, one is not given permission to go and "screw around" for sake of libido and convenience.

Now, that said, you don't give us much to go on about the nature of your relationship beyond calling this woman your girlfriend, so I can't just go off hand and say yours is a traditional heterosexual monogamous relationship to start with.

So... all that hemming and hawing aside, basically, one of three things.
-Your girl is, or expects to, screw around while she is in the Crescent City. Unless you're cool with her getting some strange on the side, end things now.
-Your girlfriend believes that casual sex is different from romantic involvement. Have a thorough conversation with her about this, and if you feel the same way or not. Remember, some people can have casual sex, and some people can't and will get attached to whomever they are going to bed with.
-Your girl is interested in an open or otherwise poly-amorous relationship. Since you've asked this question, you're either not familiar with them, or not wanting one.

Ultimately, the ball is in your court, talk to her about it, or dump her for even suggesting it. But remember that you are the person who broached the topic of sex and distance in the first place; so don't hold it against her for giving you an answer to a question you asked.


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 03:49 AM (#61397)
In Response to eoraptor (#61395):

Be careful.
Any of these answers might prove correct, including that she will never forgive you for taking her at her word. The female "You don't have to..." often comes with the unspoken "...unless you want to live."
The wisest course is likely to vow absolute loyalty to her, but you may not remember her name in a year. And it is just possible you have met the one girl in the world who has no problems about who else you sleep with, and that is not to be given up lightly.


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rorirose
Lover

Posts: 26

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 06:07 AM (#61398)

Part of me thinks, as a female, that it's partially a trap. That's mostly because we women love to challenge a guy to see if he gets the correct answer or not. We're strange that way. Then again, there's that strong premonition that she's getting her kicks and that if you find someone to fool around with, then she doesn't have to feel guilty for her cheating.

So, the answer here ... is talk to her. Because, let's face it... there's no such thing as a guilt-free cheat. It will come up, sooner or later, if the relationship goes anywhere. And it's not because jealousy is a way to measure your relationship, but showing that you care for what happens in your relationship does.


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Nylter
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Jul 2009
Re: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 08:38 AM (#61399)

Why do people jump te the conclusion that the girlfriend is suggesting cheating? To me, it sounds a lot more like she's suggesting an open relationship, which is a very different thing indeed. Being open, and then having GOOD communication, is a method some people use to strengthen their relationships. So yes, please talk to each other and come up with some boundaries before you both get hurt. Make sure to define the difference between having sex with someone other than your partner, and when the line gets crossed into cheating (perhaps emotinoal involvement, or when you don't tell the other about a date/sex partner, or other situations.) No matter what, communicate, communicate, communicate.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 08:41 AM (#61400)

First, learn punctuation.

Now, you need to define what she means by this and why. We have a similar relationship due to a lot of traveling for months at a time. We've done so for years. But, we both know all the partners involved, they're not random hookups. It works for some. It doesn't work for most.

Research, and tread carefully.


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tbright1965
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Apr 2012
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 09:37 AM (#61401)

As others have suggested, multiple answers may apply. I went with "If she says it's OK, then she's probably already cheating on you" because I think it's an indicator of her attitude about the relationship.

Even if she's not already cheating, she expresses the value that it's OK. I.E. if it's OK for you, it's OK for her too. Which is the third answer.

If I could choose multiple answers, it would be two and three. You need to ask yourself if you want to be involved with someone who doesn't consider monogamy important.

If they don't when they are dating, why would their values change if you marry them?

If this were me, or if it were my son asking, I'd say RUN!


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 13, 2012 - 10:42 AM (#61403)

You're just bragging.
If you have "this friend" in the wings then YOU have been planning this, or at least looking for this opportunity, for a while. (If you're serious about the bird in hand why the *bleep* are you courting the bird in the wild who wants feeding; and this is not a question.) Sounds like you're looking for permission to run the bases in multiple ball games. You may win one, but not likely two. On the other hand, play in both games and you will likely lose both.


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DanialArin
Lover

Posts: 92

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 14, 2012 - 12:44 AM (#61405)

The friend who's been "after you for a while" is not part of this equation, unless you want to dissolve your current relationship and start up with this other person. Seconding what others have said, you need to find out if your current GF intends for this "on the side" permit applies to both of you. Then decide if you're okay with that, because if it does, and you're not... either you two need to reinforce a mutual declaration of exclusivity, or start figuring out the logistics of your break-up.

Is there a way you guys can get together on weekends during her stint in New Orleans? Given the length of time, perhaps her employer would be willing to cover some of the cost, at least for her to come home a couple of times in there.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 14, 2012 - 02:12 AM (#61406)

Option #3 for sure: Have a long talk about what this means for both of you in your relationship.

BUT ... be wary. It's possible that your girlfriend already is cheating on you; if so, she might not admit it. Or it might be a trap to test your loyalty and commitment to her. Or it might even be both: she might think it's OK for her to get some, but not OK for you, and she's testing you. (I've known people of both sexes who pulled crap like this. If that's what's going on, then ... Run! Run like the wind!)

One thing you might consider: Float the idea of you flying to New Orleans to visit her for a weekend. Her reaction might tell you things that she isn't ready or willing to tell you directly. If she suddenly puts you off or becomes secretive, be suspicious.


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Coanunn
Lover

Posts: 11

Registered:
Feb 2010
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, April 15, 2012 - 08:07 AM (#61414)

Ok, so speaking from a poly-amorous point of view this has bad written all over it! The first rule of an open relationship or poly-amorous relationship is communication. It sounds to me like you don't have very good lines of communication open or you wouldn't need to ask this question because you'd already know why she may this offer.

I'm prone to believe this is either her fishing to see if you'd be interested in non-traditional relationship or more likely a test of you ability to remain faithful. Remember that a monogamous woman wants to know you aren't going to wander once they accept the ring, and this is a classic trap right up there with "do these pants make my butt look big". It COULD just be a question but unless you know for sure take no action.

Final suggestion is an in depth conversation regarding what you both want out of the relationship, and whether this fits into that or not.


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BriteOwl
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Apr 2012
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, April 15, 2012 - 04:22 PM (#61416)

Of course you need to talk this out with her before going anywhere with it. I don't do monogamy and have never had a problem caused by that, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to be VERY SPECIFIC when you negotiate the parameters for an expanded relationship agreement. You need to discuss things like:

  1. Are we talking about a trial run at having an open relationship?
  2. How often can I step outside home field?
  3. Is there anyone who is off-limits?
  4. If casual sex with others is okay, is a "friend with benefits" arrangement okay?
  5. Is everything you include in your sexual activities with your partner okay for you to do with another, or are there certain things you each want kept exclusive between you?
  6. Is it okay to be with another person more than once or does more than once mean it's not casual?
  7. There's a thing called "fluid bonded" -- that means you do not exchange body fluids with anyone outside your relationship. So no open mouth kissing or unprotected oral sex with others (dental dams, rubber or vinyl exam gloves and condoms at all times for genital contact). You should discuss whether this is something the two of you want to commit to.

By the way, for those who keep using the word "cheating", it's not cheating if it's agreed upon behavior.

As for the friend who "been after you", I would run -- not walk -- in the other direction from that. She clearly already does not respect your commitment to your primary relationship. That is not going to change.


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Sanityfaerie
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: POLL: Getting some on the side (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, April 15, 2012 - 04:26 PM (#61417)

One thing I'll throw at you (in addition to what everyone else is saying) is that some people are okay with things in theory, or think they're okay with things in theory, and find out once they're too far in to escape gracefully that they're not okay emotionally. If you're thinking about a person in particular, then, my suggestion would be to talk to her on the phone (you are having regular phone calls, right?) and say something like "Hey, you said that this was okay in general. I've been considering this other girl, and wanted to check if this was okay in specific." Give ehr another chance to back out of the idea gracefully, when presented with a more concrete example. Also, make sure that this other woman is okay with beign "the girl on the side for a while" - it sounds like that's nto exactly what she's going for, and beign a part of toxic relationships can taint you in bad ways, no matter who they're toxic for initially.


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