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POLL RESULTS: "He still shares a bed with his ex...": (26 comments)
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POLL: "He still shares a bed with his ex..."

Friday, April 20, 2012 - 12:00 AM



Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and we have really good chemistry, but there's one problem -- he still lives with his ex of 10 years. Not only that, but he also sleeps in the same bed with her every night. (When we first started dating and I spent the night, I had to sleep between them! But now she sleeps in the living room per my request.) I almost feel like I'm in a relationship with BOTH of them, because I have no choice but to see his ex. I understand that they've known each other a long time, but they have so much in common that I start to feel like the third wheel. My friend said it's unfair that he's still so involved with her, but my boyfriend and his ex seem to think there's nothing wrong with it. Times are tough, but it just seems like they depend on each other WAY more than they should, and they dont have plans to move away from each other any time soon. There's absolutely nothing going on between them romantically, but I can't help but feel bothered. Do I have a right to feel this way?

POLL: What should she do?
 
61% (1286) Times aren't THAT tough. Get out now. You don't need this guy.
 
31% (651) Put your foot down. If he wants to date you, he has to move out.
 
7% (156) There's probably nothing going on. Let it slide.
2093 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
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Posts: 30

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Oct 2008
Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 01:01 AM (#61441)

It's one thing to still live with your ex, but to share a bed? That's just creepy. Unless there's a threesome going on, three people should not share a bed.


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whatwouldIknow
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 01:05 AM (#61442)

if he and she are so connected, soulmates, that you feel you are a 3rd wheel, you are.

If they share the same bed, even after "breaking up", they never did.

Perhaps sex isn't part of the equation, but the rest of what you describe sounds like what makes a marriage work - commonality, dependence, comfortable co-dependence.

Get out of there, and find someone for yourself!


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beauxeaux
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From: Virginia

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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 07:59 AM (#61444)

WTF?! It's one thing to still share a house with an ex until you can find a place of your own. It's one thing to still sleep with the ex, whether literally or not, once in a while. But to share not only a house, but a bed (again, even if only literally), for TEN YEARS?!

Fugeddaboudim. Normally I'm a big fan of the "talk it out" approach, but this is Just Too Much. He WILL be too hung up on hanging onto his ex. He might say he wants you not her, but actions speak louder than words. You need to make a clean break of it.

Now, if he moves out, doesn't sleep with his ex for at least a year (again, even if only literally), and wants to get back together with you, then *maybe* talk it out *then*.


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sureal
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 08:20 AM (#61445)

I've actually done something similar. An ex moved in with me a couple years after we had broken up. We had stayed friends. It only lapsed into "friends with benefits" a couple times and only when neither of us was involved with anyone else. But we certainly didn't share a bedroom, much less a bed. I moved out about a year and a half I met the woman who would become my wife. One of the three of you needs to make different arrangements ASAP. But you should probably work it out with your boyfriend first.


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eoraptor
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 10:56 AM (#61446)

I usually say that if it walks like a duck and looks like a duck, there's a reasonable chance it's a platypus...

But this is definitely a duck. a hide-a-bed,a roll away cot, an inflatable mattress... if they're in the same bed, I doubt all they are doing is sleeping, and given the scenario you described, where he expected you to share the bed? I think he/they wanted you to be more involved with this relationship than than you're comfortable with.

That might be the paranoid in me talking though.

Either way, unload the bum.


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CaptainSmokeblower
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 11:36 AM (#61447)

You stayed the night and slept between them?
Did you want pointers from her on what he liked?
If he didn't satisfy you were you ready to roll the other way?

Yeah, if they're not sexually involved then he may not be that interested in sex (low T). So if you're there for the sex you'll overwhelm his sex drive. I'd leave them to each other.


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Garwulf
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From: In my chair

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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 20, 2012 - 12:15 PM (#61448)

Yeah...

OP: yes, you do have a right to feel this way. In fact, something would be very wrong if you didn't.

Now, it could be that he's part of the polyamorous scene, which might explain the lack of awareness that what he's doing is...um...rather wrong for somebody looking for a new relationship. Either way, it has to feel right.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 21, 2012 - 01:29 AM (#61452)

Sorry, lady ... but one way or another, the boy ain't right.

And don't make the mistake of thinking you can change him.


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oddbob
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, April 22, 2012 - 02:16 AM (#61455)
The odd thing is, I read this question and immediately thought, "I think I know who the guy is. This describes him, and his relationship with his ex, almost to a T." So, speaking as though I am actually addressing the current girlfriend of the guy in question, here's what I'd say:

This guy is sweet, funny, and creative. I have never known him to be anything but kind, and even-tempered. And if you want an ongoing relationship with him, you should make an ultimatum and give him a strict and short deadline. If he has not disentangled himself from his leech of an ex before the deadline is up, RUN. Run fast, run far, and find someone else to have a relationship with. Those two have such a broken, frighteningly codependent relationship that you do not want to be entangled in that mire if it continues.

And I'm saying this as a friend of the guy in question. He's a great guy, but as things stand, he is really not relationship material. Sorry.

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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 23, 2012 - 10:34 AM (#61458)
In Response to oddbob (#61455):

Thanks, Bob. It helps to know that even a close friend of his would feel this way. I feel bad sometimes because I know they're not romantic anymore, so I'm just being "irrational." But it has been an ongoing problem even though I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I really do believe he is being honest when he tells me these things. It seems like they both feel "stuck" in this situation so I often think I should just let it go and not make a mess of things. I know his ex tries to make me feel comfortable with her and the whole situation but it still doesn't change the fact of the matter. I don't feel jealous of her and I'm all for being friends with ex's, but it's still hard to take.


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DanialArin
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 23, 2012 - 11:36 AM (#61460)
In Response to anonymous4 (#61458):

It's been a year. Would you feel ready at this point to ask him to move out of her place and into yours?


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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 23, 2012 - 12:08 PM (#61461)
In Response to DanialArin (#61460):

Well from what I understand, they still live together for fairly valid financial reasons. There are some other factors out of our control that complicate our relationship, so moving in together isn't necessarily an immediate option either.


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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Monday, April 23, 2012 - 08:01 PM (#61463)
In Response to oddbob (#61455):

P.s. have you ever told him this before? I know sometimes he gets shit for our relationship in general but when I tell him what my friends think he has never mentioned whether or not any of his friends think the same thing.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, April 24, 2012 - 05:17 AM (#61465)

Well from what I understand, they still live together for fairly valid financial reasons.

For ten years? That doesn't pass the smell test.

Whether or not he has sex with her when they're in the same bed, they nevertheless share each other's lives, they're emotionally dependent on each other, their relationship seems set in concrete ... So I have to ask: Why does he call her his "ex"? Why and how did they supposedly break up? They might have stopped having sex, but they haven't broken up.

Frankly, it sounds like he's using you for sex, and only for sex. In fact, the three-in-a-bed situation sounds like his attempt to get something sexual going with her again -- either to build up her jealousy or to get her aroused.

And why in God's name would anyone put up with that situation even once?!


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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, April 24, 2012 - 07:12 AM (#61466)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#61465):

I didn't mean they've been ex's for 10 years. I meant they were together for 10 years. They broke up a little over a year ago, and like Bob said, who actually knows about the situation (I wasn't asking if there was anything going on because I know there isn't and she is also dating someone ) they have kind of a broken relationship. Neither of them are "normal" people so I don't feel threatened by their relationship per se, it's just an awkward situation to be in. I don't know of anybody who knows them who actually thinks they're trying to start some weird sexual thing, but nobody really understands why I've put up with it thus far, and I think she was just a little oblivious to how awkward it was for me at the time. Believe me, it would be very easy for someone in this situation to think they still have something on the side, but I can say with confidence that is definitely not true.


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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, April 24, 2012 - 07:59 AM (#61467)

All I was really asking was, knowing there is nothing going on, should this be an issue? There are factors that make it very awkward for me, but should I try to look past them? Should I be understanding of the reasons they feel stuck living together? I don't want to reveal too much about their relationship, but being together that long does tend to cause long term issues when you plan for and think you're going to get married, and suddenly you realize you're not right for each other.


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DoubleStar
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 25, 2012 - 09:19 AM (#61482)
In Response to anonymous4 (#61467):

OP, only you can decide whether this is something you want to overlook. Practically everyone else here (including a BFF of his) has indicated otherwise, and I likewise agree; at the very least they shouldn't still be sharing the same bed, even if that means one of them sleeps out in the living room on the sofa. To do otherwise means they (*both* of them) simply aren't ready to let go of their relationship yet, which means neither of them has any business trying to make a new one with someone else. If nothing else at least do what the BFF suggested and draw a hard and fast line.

For what it's worth, however, my 2 cents says to walk away regardless. Regardless of how nice or sincere he is, there's just something wrong with a guy who'd expect his girlfriend to sleep in the same bed as he and his ex, ever. This indicates he is so completely oblivious to the necessities of a healthy relationship that even if he moved out tomorrow you'd continue to have a LOT of problems with him, so much so that most rational people wouldn't bother. That the ex would ever agree to go along with that also says something, and the fact she later decided this wasn't going to work and pushed YOU out of the bed instead of HIM, and HE went along with it, is even more telling. Run. Run like the wind from this relationship and don't look back.

But then again, you ALSO went along with the whole idea of sleeping in bed with the two of them, so perhaps that says something about you as well. Just understand most people wouldn't think that makes for a healthy relationship unless you're all shooting for a threesome to begin with. Who knows, that may be the best relationship for the three of you anyway. Just understand that as things are, that's precisely what it'll end up being - a threesome. If that's not what you want, time to leave, because he won't.


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DanialArin
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 25, 2012 - 10:22 AM (#61485)
In Response to DoubleStar (#61482):

DoubleStar, I'm having trouble finding anywhere in the original post or in anything by anonymous4 that says she's been pushed out of bed by the ex... In fact, she says in the original post that the Ex now crashes on the couch when she spends the night.


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DoubleStar
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, April 25, 2012 - 06:25 PM (#61489)
In Response to DanialArin (#61485):

Wow, re-reading things I have NO clue where I got that idea from, my profuse apologies Anonymous4.

I still think it very weird that any of you would ever agree to all sleep in the same bed together in your situation, so my original advice stands, if not quite for the same reasons. Best of luck to you both/all in deciding what to do.


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oddbob
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 26, 2012 - 03:26 AM (#61492)
In Response to anonymous4 (#61463):

Well, keeping in mind that I am still speculating as to whether this is actually the person I know (hey, it's entirely possible that there are two relationships out there broken in this exact way!), my friend plays things very close to the vest. Even though I see him often, he is not prone at all to talking about his relationship. I see him frequently, but he doesn't volunteer information about it. Most of the information I have is second-hand or third-hand rumor, and that makes it rather awkward to just bring it up around him. ("Hey, I heard a rumor that you and your girlfriend had broken up. And another rumor that you were seeing someone else. Even though last time I talked to your potential-ex, she was still talking about how the two of you may or may not be house-hunting together. So what's up with that?") I figure if he wanted to talk about it, he would.

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Murgatroyd
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 26, 2012 - 04:32 AM (#61493)

... and they dont have plans to move away from each other any time soon.

This is a key point. You've been dating for nearly a year, and yet to him the relationship with her still comes before his relationship with you ... and before his independence, for that matter. He sees no reason to change, and he sounds happy with the status quo.

This situation will continue indefinitely unless you give him a reason to change it. What could do that? An ultimatum from you? A better-paying job for one or both of them? An invitation from you for him to move in?

Again, why does he call her his "ex"? In what way -- and why -- did they break up?

Think about this: You said they were together for ten years, but you've never said that they were married. Sounds to me like the guy doesn't deal with change very well -- he gets into a rut and he stays there. What sort of future do you expect to have with him?


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anonymous4
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 26, 2012 - 10:35 AM (#61496)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#61493):

I would call it something more along the lines of co-existence. I feel like the relationship they do have is very fragile and they have some financial issues they need to work out. Like I said before, I think he feels more "stuck" than happy, because we've had our share of conversations about it and I'm sure if he felt like he had a choice he would have moved out by now for the sake of our relationship. I'd rather not go too much into detail though, I wasn't really expecting anyone who knows them to see this and am kind of regretting posting this now.


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Schlock
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, April 26, 2012 - 10:16 PM (#61499)
In Response to anonymous4 (#61496):

I think that regardless of how great this guy may be otherwise, you don't want to be in the middle of this situation. There are some deeply troubling boundary issues with both your boyfriend and his ex. It's wildly inappropriate to be sharing a bed on a regular basis with an ex when you're dating someone else, and having it occur WHILE you were spending the night was over the top ridiculous. That should have been a clear signal that it's time to get out.


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Murgatroyd
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Friday, April 27, 2012 - 12:48 AM (#61501)
In Response to anonymous4 (#61496):

Well, I'll take your word for the status of his relationships with you and with her, and I won't press for details. Good luck.

But I have to say, that whole three-in-a-bed thing kinda creeps me out.


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DavidArgall
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Re: "He still shares a bed with his ex..." (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, April 28, 2012 - 03:03 AM (#61511)

Well, I'm not that optimistic, but it could work out. Maybe in a couple of years you will have a live-in babysitter. Of course there could be all sorts of problems and you don't sound that interested in solving them. But the basic situation of 2 girls and one boy is not that rare. It's workable, if you want to.
Of course, a lot of one on one relationships flounder, and 2 on one has got to be several times as complex. It's easy for this to be a mess. Definitely sound reasons to take a hike.
Still, if you like him and can tolerate her [& she will tolerate you], and you don't get unglued that time the three of you have a few extra drinks and ..., this might end up a slightly different version of "Heather has two mommies".


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