POLL RESULTS: Gone in Sixty Seconds: (12 comments)
POLL: Gone in Sixty Seconds
in Reader Questions by Guigar
Friday, May 11, 2012 - 12:00 AM
Q.: My new boyfriend is... a little quick on the trigger. He's really embarrassed about it, and refuses to talk when it happens. I like him a lot, and I don't want to break up, but our intimate relationship is suffering badly. Any advice?
POLL: What should she do?
1765 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 12:38 AM (#61586)
Discussing it at a neutral time would be best, just from my point of view. Obviously I'd want to bring her pleasure, but right after that kind of premature ejaculation, it'd be humiliating. Being comforted would help, but it'd still be hard to talk about it right then. After that...the "focus on (her) enjoyment" seems like a great idea, but the conversation needs to take place without that stress. A doctor's appointment would be a very good idea in any case; ruling out health risks is always important, and there are some big ones that accompany P.E. The other suggestions have their places - except for "This rarely gets better. Move on." If you give up on him, he definitely won't get better, he'll be stuck in a loop of rejection and failure. If he's unwilling to talk or do something, then it'd be the right choice.
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 12:56 AM (#61587)
All the suggestions are good except "move on". Definitely talk to him at some neutral place and time. He may feel that he is failing as a man so be sure to emphasize the things that will build him up. Don't lie; if he asks if you'd like things to go longer, say yes, but tell him you're with him through this tough time.
A technique that works really well is when he feels himself starting to climax, withdraw and pinch the glans between the thumb and finger. Not enough to hurt, but good, solid pressure.
Another possibility is for him to bring you to climax (more than once?) and then he is "free" to come as he pleases. Taking this pressure off him will sometimes help him stay up longer.
Make sure he knows that you like him whatever happens and, hey, you can always try again in an hour!
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 02:14 AM (#61588)
This bings to mind the old joke:
"Whaddaya mean, 'premature'? I've been building up to this since last Tuesday!"
I voted for him focusing on your pleasure. I think he'll find that you both get more pleasure from the act that way.
Besides, other techniques can be just as much fun as the old "Wham! Bam!" To me the greatest pleasure and reward is giving my partner a memorable experience, and sometimes the quickest way to make that start happening is to put off "Insert Tab A into Slot B" until she's torn off a few.
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 06:20 AM (#61591)
There are two sayings that I truly believe.
1)If you cum too quick, you still have ten fingers and a tongue.
Climaxing is not the end of things. If he is the kind to fall asleep after, make love in the morning, or noon... or morning and noon... or start in the morning and end after noon...
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 09:05 AM (#61592)
Every guy's different, but speaking from similar past troubles this is the sort of thing that only goes away with experience, probably a lot of experience. In the meantime, the last suggestion is definitely the best one; have him focus on your enjoyment, and after about 30 minutes he may decide it's time for round 2 which almost always lasts longer. Even if not, the simple fact is few couples are able to come together without a lot of experience anyhow, and most men come faster than women do. So unless he's a selfish lover, getting more experience with the fingers (and tongue if you're both so inclined) is almost a necessity for him. Keep a bottle of lube around, you'll probably need it while he learns. The nice thing about learning? He'll (hopefully) discover that you can come several times this way, usually in fairly quick succession.
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 10:18 AM (#61594)
Technically most of these are good responses. Talking to him in a calm and neutral environment is a good place to start. And never coo at him and tell him it's alright or it doesn't bother you, especially right after, men find nothing so demeaning. Sex is pretty a pretty basic function when you get right down to it, and when you are doing something wrong, you don't want to be condescended to.
Also concentrating on your pleasure, or having him pop one off early are also good avenues. Condoms and numbing agents... well they might help, but might be a bit demeaning unless you've tried everyone else first... no one likes to "prepare" to do it when the spontaneity of the moment hits. Still, keep it on the list.
Talking to a physician or a sexual therapist couldn't hurt, but it's usually a last resort, and said doctor is likely to tell you a lot of the same things you're reading right here unless there's a deeper mechanical or psychological issue.
On that note, certain medications can cause this problem, so that IS something he might talk to his doctor about.
Ultimately, however, it may be an issue of repetition. If your guy has not had sex a lot, then he simply may need to "build up his resistance" a bit. A good and simple exercise is to have him "squeeze off his stream" while urinating. It will help build up the same sets of muscles used during ejaculation and is obviously something he can do a lot more often than sex.
Other such exercises the two of you should investigate and consider together as a couple, because communication in this, as in all things, is key. Of course, be careful what you find on the internet; find a good, reputable website if you go this route, because there are some quack sites out there, obviously.
posted Friday, May 11, 2012 - 05:43 PM (#61596)
I was once told the first time is for the pressure the second time is for the pleasure. Try going down on him and then you could start couples play. This way he might not feel so pressured.
posted Saturday, May 12, 2012 - 12:59 AM (#61597)
In the "talk to his doctor" department, I'll note that several anti-depressants tend to inhibit this as one of the side effects. Using them for that as a primary effect is a bit dodgy, though, as another side effect is tending to be hard on the liver, and may also cut into the libido.
However, I've heard at least one anecdote of off-label prescription.
posted Saturday, May 12, 2012 - 08:30 PM (#61600)
Move on promptly.
Giving him more experience won't help.
I'm 37, been married for 10 years, have had sex hundreds (thousands?) of times over the past 20 years. I have plenty of experience, and three kids to show for it. I've been a minuteman for my entire life: frankly, 30 seconds is good for me. Go fast, go slow, don't move at all, pull out, clench muscles, relax, drink, don't drink, meditate, exercises, double condoms. I've tried it all. I've seen two doctors, both of whom told me "ha ha, it sucks to be you" (only in doctor-ese). Go again? It's 30 minutes of not being able to get it up, followed by the same 30 seconds, maybe 15 if she's helped me get there. Take care of myself an hour before we start? Fun, but not helpful.
Now I'm a gentleman, so I take care of a lady before worrying about myself, and the hour of foreplay does shorten things a little. (Sometimes I can go 45 seconds or a minute, if we don't do that!)
So drop this guy like a hot potato. Go cruise the bars for a real man who can rock your world all night and leave loser-boy to weep in his milk until a girl comes along who cares about something else.
posted Sunday, May 13, 2012 - 09:06 AM (#61601)
In Response to commentarian (#61600):
OK. Wife says "too bitter, not helpful enough." Let's try this:
Premature Ejaculation (PE) is quite common and has numerous different causes. Sometimes it's the result of youthful enthusiasm, but it can also be caused by psychological issues (like performance anxiety brought on by PE) or by an underlying medical problem. It's also the case that some men are just born that way and there's nothing they can do about it.
He should absolutely talk to his doctor, to rule out any medical problems. And if he's comfortable talking to *you* about it (which he may very well not be), a key question is whether it's always like this, or whether this is something that's changed for him.
If you really like him, train him to do what it takes to make you happy in ways beyond penetration, whether that's cooking you dinner or making you the meal.
If you build a good relationship, it will survive any issues he has in this department, whether temporary or permanent.
And you might consider doing your own research (possibly on something other than excellent cartoon sites), but be beware that the internet is full of bad information on this topic (see above).
posted Monday, May 14, 2012 - 06:35 AM (#61604)
I like several of these responses, dislike a couple. My user name is legitimate and there is nothing I can think of medically that would cause premature ejaculation. It might be worthwhile to consult a doctor, but unless s/he has extra training in sexual health they won't likely have much to offer beyond common sense suggestions.
Of all the suggestions on the list condoms is the most helpful. They do reduce sensation a bit and can be very helpful in prolonging intercourse. Obviously, you shouldn't use the ultra thin ones - the ones that tout how good they are at transmitting "sensation" - that would kind of defeat the purpose Desensitizing creams can be dangerous and should be avoided. Pain gives you useful information ("don't do that!") and "cross contamination" can affect women's sensation as well.
Second round advice is good - just know that the first orgasm is "for getting started" and shift the main intercourse for the second. Most men's refractory period (the time between an ejaculation and being able to get another erection) is around 20 minutes, so some cuddling, sexy talk and light petting can fill the void and keep her in the mood. Do keep in mind that most men are quite sensitive immediately after an orgasm and that sexual desire can wane as well. Both of these will improve shortly! My advice here is rather than have him take care of his first orgasm on his own, make his first orgasm part of foreplay (where maybe he takes care of his first orgasm on his own - masturbating in front of your partner can be very sexy) and not even focus on intercourse until round two.
Perhaps a shift in emphasis away from intercourse would be helpful. There are a LOT of other things that couple can do together. With a sense of play and creativity and genuine affection the realm of "sex" can be very much wider than intercourse.
Frank discussion about sex is almost always best when done separately from sex!
And I strongly believe a good lover is always concerned about his partner's pleasure. If he comes quickly and then leaves you hanging then you have sexual compatibility issues beyond premature ejaculation.
Frank discussions about sex, genuine concern about your partner's pleasure, and a willingness to explore other options and activities can actually lead to a better sex life together. So even if it "rarely gets better" there are many ways to work around the problem and "moving on" should be unnecessary.
posted Tuesday, May 15, 2012 - 01:38 AM (#61606)
My husband thinks about baseball during sex. It's tripled the amount of time we get. ;) But even more important is the foreplay before hand, I've already had a few happy moments before we even get to the meat of the sex! It's about open dialogue and trust, if he feels embarrassed by it, he's going to be afraid of it happening, and then it's going to happen again. I agree with several of the options presented here, but let him learn how to please you in other ways and that will spike his confidence for sure, which may help with his quick draw! Good luck!
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