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POLL RESULTS: Mutual Distrust: (13 comments)

POLL: Mutual Distrust

Friday, June 01, 2012 - 09:11 AM



Q.: I know that my husband has female friends from work and other places, and usually helps them with computer complications. However, he recently began to talk with Jen and began deleting his texts with her, all their email conversations, and hid anything he had to do with her. I got suspicious enough to look on his computer and found he'd signed up with a dating sight and confronted him. His excuse was that he wanted friends to talk with, and that was his only reason for signing up on this site, and that he only flirted with these women (apparently, there's been more than one).

He also doesn't feel I have the right to be angry, because when we first started our marriage, I confess to having flirtations with other men. He knew of them and forgave me for them, or so I thought, because after I confronted him about this woman, he's claimed I sent naked pictures of myself to other men and had sexual conversations with other men. I know for a fact that I have not, and that I've been purely devoted to him. He's talked about us doing marriage counseling, but with his claims that he has nothing to talk with me about anymore, that he has no intimate feelings toward me or any other women, I wonder if this marriage is worth saving.

I love him, but can I trust that he and I can make this work? Or should we end our marriage?


POLL: Should she end the marriage over this?
 
8% (153) Yes! You can't trust him
 
19% (347) Yes! Neither one of you trust each other
 
65% (1168) Maybe... you need to have a serious discussion
 
5% (102) No. What you're feeling is perfectly normal.
1770 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 09:27 AM (#61680)

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot pole. I think this is a case where you should be seeking professional marriage guidance, rather than coming onto a website like this one for advice.


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NunyaBidness
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Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 09:40 AM (#61681)

Yeah, you need professionals and/or very close friends for this. Random strangers not personally familiar with you and without counseling experience are of little benefit.


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cptbeefalo
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Posts: 6

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Nov 2009
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 09:56 AM (#61682)

While both commenters thus far are correct, professional counseling is the place you both need to go if you want to save the marriage, I feel there are a couple points that can easily be made.

First, communication has clearly broken down. When someone begins hiding something from a spouse, that means there are deeper issues. He feels like he's not getting something from your relationship and is going looking for it elsewhere (be it emotional validation, physical stimulation, whatever).

Second, whatever point he may have had about you flirting in the past goes right out the window when he's the one actively doing it now. If it was wrong for you then, it is wrong for him now. Was he angry in the past? I think we all know he was. Clearly he hasn't let that go. That is another hurdle that counseling can help with, dealing with unresolved past issues as well as the current problem.

Third, if you want a quick fix, end the marriage. As someone who made it through a rough patch like this, it took more than 6 months of living apart and almost a year of counseling to fix our relationship. If you both fight, you can make it and your relationship will be stronger than ever. But it will require both of you at least giving counseling a serious shot, even if you don't know whether or not the marriage will exist at the end of it.


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bobb123
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Feb 2012
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 10:22 AM (#61683)

If he is saying that he has nothing to talk to you about anymore, and states he has "no intimate feelings" toward you or any other women, why does he need to flirt with other women online? Once communication goes, so does everything else. It sounds to me as if he's putting distance between the two of you and waiting for you to end the relationship so he can go play the field, guilt free. I'm no professional, but I have five brothers who all did similar stuff during their first (and in some cases) second marriages. If he won't lose the computer at least for a year or two, you may want to hang this one up.


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zorklat
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Jun 2011
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 11:06 AM (#61684)

It sounds like your husband is infatuated, as is the other woman. This sort of thing is PROBABLY temporary, and with luck, she will drop out of infatuation first, leaving him dumped and vulnerable. IN ADDITION to professional counseling, I can suggest Gray Davis' The Five Love Languages.


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ClaudeTheWonderCat
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Posts: 3

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Mar 2012
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 02:04 PM (#61685)

"he has no intimate feelings toward me or any other women, I wonder if this marriage is worth saving."
If you want to try counseling, go ahead, but be prepared to change more about yourself than he changes. "no intimate feelings toward ANY woman"? Could be his newest text-buddy is a guy.
Do you really want to to spend your life married to a gay guy? - if so, then go for it. Else move on.


--
Have fun out there, y'all :)
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zmortis
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Posts: 76

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Jun 2009
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 01, 2012 - 05:27 PM (#61686)

Communication lines need to be mutually established again in order for this marriage to work. If you both can't find a way to trust each other, then there isn't much hope in making anything other than a sham marriage of mutual co-dependence going forward. Some people are fine with the sham marriage and flings on the side, and others are not.

My personal perspective, go to a highly recommended marriage counselor in your area and try to rebuild your trust and communication with your spouse.

If that doesn't work with an honest effort on your part, then a guilt and bitterness free divorce is recommended. You just weren't right for each other anymore.


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DavidArgall
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Posts: 42

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Nov 2010
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 02, 2012 - 02:17 AM (#61688)
In Response to zorklat (#61684):

The odds are he will dump her, tho that is apt to be followed by another other woman. [Oh, and he is unlikely to be concerned about your ancient history flings. They just make an excuse that is easy to use now that he has been caught.] So you need to decide if you want to put up with this. The odds are not good, but there are men that are worth it and if you think he is that great, there is a fair chance he will be "faithful" to you, at least in the limited sense of dumping her and keeping you, possibly a dozen or so times.


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Murgatroyd
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Posts: 300

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Jan 2008
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 02, 2012 - 02:41 AM (#61689)

... he's claimed I sent naked pictures of myself to other men and had sexual conversations with other men ... He's talked about us doing marriage counseling, but with his claims that he has nothing to talk with me about anymore, that he has no intimate feelings toward me or any other women ...

He sounds as if his mental processes have changed recently, and not for the better. You might need a professional marriage counselor, but I'd also suggest that he see a qualified M.D. for a physical examination and a psychologist for a consultation. This man does not seem to be behaving in a particularly sane manner, and there maybe a medical reason for it.


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Sanityfaerie
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Posts: 17

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Jan 2011
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 02, 2012 - 03:16 AM (#61690)

I'm going to toss the Dear Abby question at you. Are you better off with him or without him? I'll tell you straight up, it's going to suck either way. If you want to stay with him, there's going to be a long, drawn-out, stressful period of counseling and rebuilding trust. If you want to flee this sinking ship - well, divorce can get *real* ugly for all involved (though if *both* of you go into it with the objective of "get out clean" rather than "score points" that can keep the ugliness levels down).

I also note that your question doesn't present any evidence for staying. Are you asking us for permission to leave him? Honestly, if there's anything there at all, I'd suggest that you at least try the marriage counseling plan. Even if things don't work out, it still might help the two of you get a better understanding - which in turn might make the divorce that much less ugly.


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DoubleStar
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Posts: 36

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Mar 2010
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, June 03, 2012 - 11:05 AM (#61691)

I find it interesting that even before you became suspicious enough to decide to search his computer, you already knew he had deleted all his text messages and email conversations regarding Jen (never mind whatever else you feel he'd been hiding from you about her). You could only know that if you had searched his phone and other effects thoroughly enough to recognize the difference between deleted information and information which was never there to begin with, which suggests a person who is herself not very trusting of her husband; at the very least I know I don't feel a need to go looking through my wife's text messages or email conversations. Perhaps you just stated your case poorly, however.

Second, while it is possible his claims about your own indiscretions are red herrings (assuming he believes things only happened in the past), more likely he believes or is at least claiming your indiscretions are recent or even still ongoing, in which case you may want to ask him to provide specifics - who he thinks you were/are with, when, what makes him think that, etc. If he can't provide details or seems flustered when you ask for them, it's more likely a sham accusation than a real one. Granted, if you never 'fessed up yourself until he confronted you about it, that could be a large part of the trust problem, especially if that outing was also very recent. Which doesn't change the fact he's using the claim to justify his own actions right now.

Third, while you are the only one on this forum who can judge his attraction to and flirtations with other women, Claude the Cat also brings up a very valid point regarding your choice of words at the end. Either this is more red herring talk, or it could be he's rediscovering himself right now as a gay guy who's never before admitted it to others (or possibly even himself). In which case he might be friends with a lot of other females precisely *because* he is gay; homosexual men often connect better with and have more in common mentally with straight girls, who are also generally more understanding and accepting of homosexuality than straight guys are.

Finally, I'll echo what everyone else here has - seek some professional help first, both mentally and physically, before calling it quits. Love is too precious to discard without attempting everything you can to keep it, but should you both part ways at least you will know you tried your best to make it work.


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berlincount
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Posts: 1

Registered:
Jun 2012
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 04, 2012 - 04:41 AM (#61692)

Sorry, but is it just me that things SHE is the villain in this piece?

From my point of view, she's got no business snooping in his phone or browser or emails - if I found my girl doing that, I'd dump her.

I think that communication in a relationship is important, but I also think that the ability to talk in confidence to other is crucial as well - especially if said others could offer counsel about issues with said relationship.

If that possibility to communicate outside the relationship was taken away - I'd start searching for a different relationship myself.

He may just be trying to find different means of communication, i.e. uncompromised by her, though.


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rorirose
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Posts: 26

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Jan 2011
Re: Mutual Distrust (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 04, 2012 - 11:19 AM (#61694)

I really didn't think I would respond to this question, but as I've gone through a similar situation, it never hurts to give advice.

The first posters have it right - go to your friends. Coming here to ask strangers isn't the best idea because they don't know the whole situation, while your friends do know you and love you. Then I would go to marriage counseling ASAP, because the lines of communication broke down if both of you are seeking something outside the marriage -- and yes, it looks like both of you are seeking things outside of the marriage.

You have to decide whether you want this to work out or not. Step back and reflect on what you two have, then decide if you can trust him, if he can trust you, because you have both been in the wrong.

As for the woman being the villain, as it was stated -- if a guy is acting suspicious about his actions, a woman is going to get curious and look. And if a guy dumps her for curiosity, then that's not much of a guy to hang around with. Marriage is about trust and respect, and it doesn't sound like there's much of any of this for either side.

If you're still unsure, try a temporary separation to decide if you can live your life without him. They say that absence can make the heart grow fonder, after all. Last, but not least, if you are still looking to see if he is stepping out on you ... stop it. That's the first step to having trust in him. Unless you've already decided to end the marriage, and even then, all you would be doing is looking for an excuse to leave him. Why do you need an excuse?

But really, check out the marriage counseling.


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