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POLL RESULTS: Three's Company: (15 comments)

POLL: Three's Company

Friday, June 08, 2012 - 09:21 AM

I'm male and my early twenties, as is my fiance. During our intimate times we discovered that she is enjoying the idea of a threesome with two guys. To me, fun in bed stems mainly from enjoying how much fun she has. But I don't know if I would be cool with having a second dude. And she does not seem to absolutely want that idea made true (although I got the impression it might be something she would really love). Any smart ideas?
POLL: What should he do?
 
0% (14) If he wants to keep his fiancee, he should at least give it a try.
 
24% (460) It's just a fantasy. She's not serious. Ignore it.
 
60% (1116) It's not a relationship breaker, but if you're willing to give it a try, establish some ground rules first and stick to them.
 
4% (77) Break up with this chick. She's freaky!
 
10% (192) This woman shouldn't be your fiancé with sexual deviations like this. She should be your wife. Loosen up and enjoy the fact that you won the lottery.
1859 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: Three's Company (Score: 1)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 10:02 AM (#61702)

I'm the first one to reply again? Huh...

Anyway, I think the smartest idea at this point is "don't do it." This is for a few reasons:

1. You yourself said it doesn't feel right to you. For that matter, it doesn't even seem to feel right to her. That alone should be a sign that this would be a very bad idea.

2. While there are polyamorous relationships out there, they are also known for being ridiculously hard to maintain, and frequently hard on the people in them. It takes a certain mindset to be able to do something like a threesome without it turning into a pressure point on the relationship. If you don't have that mindset, this is not only a mistake, it could be a relationship-killer.

3. This may be an odd one after point #2, but this would be introducing an element of cheating into your relationship. I know it may not seem that way, but you would be sharing your fiancee with another man. It would be a form of infidelity, even if it is infidelity right in front of you that you are a party to.

Look, we all have fantasies of some sort or another. And, we all have sexual fantasies. They're fun to have. But, a lot of times, they should stay fantasies. I think this is one of those times.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 10:30 AM (#61703)

It is not cheating if all parties consent. However, Garwulf and many others do feel that way, with a very exclusive mindset.

This could be entirely a fantasy. People do have fantasies they enjoy keeping as such, because the reality is either difficult to engage, or may be a let down, or both.

Talk about it honestly. Tell her you're okay with the fantasy but are really unsure about the reality. Can she live with it staying in the fantasy zone?

Then you'll both have to decide if it's a dealbreaker, a bad idea, something to table for a few years, or something to try.


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Amilianna
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Oct 2002
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 11:35 AM (#61704)

I think that you need to have an honest and serious talk with the girl before making decisions on your own.

You want to know if this is something she wants to try? Ask her. Make sure she knows that she is safe to answer either way (and stick to that!) and that you really want to know if she's interested in pursuing this fantasy in real life.

If she says she is, then you need to start deciding if this is something you could ever be okay with. If the answer is no, let her know - gently! - that this is not a fantasy you are comfortable fulfilling. Then you can take the talk from there.

If you think you can do it, start thinking of what you'd need to feel comfortable and let her know what kind of ground rules you would insist on. I suggest someone that you trust as the third party and only certain activities on the okay list. If that goes well, you can take it further, but start with baby-steps. Maybe just even making out before introducing the idea of sex.

As a woman who has been polyamorous for most of my life, I tell you that this kind of thing can easily be something you can work out between the two of you with varying degrees of compromise on either side, but only if you are completely honest with each other and neither of you tries to pressure or guilt-trip the other to your way of thinking. If it turns out that this really is a deal-breaker for the two of you then you weren't really meant to be together anyway, but it doesn't really sound like it is on that level of seriousness.

And, yes, I agree wholeheartedly with the fact that cheating is lying to your SO about sexual and sexualized activity - not the acts themselves. If everyone is in agreement, it is most certainly not cheating. This is how you can even cheat if you are in a poly relationship - if you aren't honest and open about what's going on with you and are lying and hiding stuff, then it's probably cheating.


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bobb123
Lover

Posts: 7

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 11:59 AM (#61705)

It's not a deal breaker. But I'd be wanting some tit for tat. If she wants to try two guys, you should get to do the same with another gal. If she's comfortable with that, I'd say go for it.


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zorklat
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 01:52 PM (#61706)

Are you ready to be compared to the other guy(s)? Are you ready for her to decide the other guy is better? If her contraception fails (and, in the course of time, it nearly always does) are you ready to accept the kid regardless of paternity? YOU are going to be the one married to her, after all. Granted, Amilliana has said that this can be made to work, but she has essentially handwaved all the issues that can come up. I've come up with these in under five minutes in spite of having had only my wife as a girlfriend and sexual partner all my life.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 04:40 PM (#61707)

First off I would simply not bring up the issue, and see if it passes. Second, you're in your early twenties and engaged already? Slow that boat down and figure out whether this is the lifetime cruise you are really looking to have.

It seems highly possible the two of you are not on the same page about the meaning of a lifetime long committed relationship. If this is the case, then this engagement is way premature. You both probably have a lot of pending regrets comming if a real committment isn't what you both have going into this.

If she is already looking for "more" than you, then I'm saying the real committment isn't there. There is nothing wrong with her having fantasies and wanting to experiment, there are a host of problems with marrying someone who isn't past that stage of their life yet (if ever).

My advice, don't make any wedding plans in the next few years until you are absolutely certain this is a phase she has gotten past. Otherwise I predict a painful divorce in your future.


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Sanityfaerie
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 08, 2012 - 11:18 PM (#61708)
In Response to zmortis (#61707):

I'll also echo the point from Dan Savage - that sometimes, the couple that walks out of a threesome isn't the couple that walked in. Then I'll note that there's one of two possibilities here (sure, there's grey area in the middle, but....) The first possibility is that it's a fantasy she enjoys playing with in her head, but that she doesn't really care about acting it out. In that case, you should be glad she's willing to share things like that with you, be cool with the fact that she finds it hot (really, how many people wouldn't find a two-of-the-preferred-gender threesome hot?) and let it go. The second possibility is that at some level this fantasy matters to her a lot, that she's downplaying it because she doesn't want to admit the intensity of her desires on the matter, and that it's going to be a big deal for her down the road. If that's the case, you pretty much want to deal with it now, one way or the other - because you don't want it coming back around and biting you in the backside years down the road when you're married rather than just engaged... and if you don't know the woman well enough to know which of those two it is, then you really ought to take soem more time before getting married. Getting married to someone whose kinkspaces you don't know can be a dangerous thing. Do you even know your own? Does she?


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 09, 2012 - 02:24 AM (#61709)
In Response to Garwulf (#61702):

I'd amend the OP's advice to "Don't do it, without a great deal of thinking and communication."
Now it could work out fine. There is the story of the French marriage where the wife had a long term lover. When she died, the lover was completely broken up, which caused the widower to comfort him, "Don't take it so hard. I plan to marry again soon."
But there are so many ways it can go wrong. Much better to avoid this if you can. But if she really wants it, your only choice is whether you want to be one of the three.
So see if you can talk her out of it, or at least make sure you have everything straight.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 11, 2012 - 01:40 AM (#61711)

To me, fun in bed stems mainly from enjoying how much fun she has. But I don't know if I would be cool with having a second dude.

Would you be cool with it if there were a second dude and you -- the first dude -- weren't in the picture at all?

I'm not saying it will, but it might go there.


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NunyaBidness
Lover

Posts: 83

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 11, 2012 - 08:34 AM (#61712)

Zorklat obviously is the type of person this wouldn't work for.

This does not mean it doesn't work for anyone.

Use his POV for comparison. If you can't envision how it could possibly be positive or worthwhile, don't do it, and make sure you let her know you feel that way--gently.

What he calls "Handwaving" does work for some people. But both partners must have the right mindset and agreement.

The payoff is that two partners is about 50X as hot, but only if everyone is cool with it. Failure to properly discuss and agree to it can lead to disaster.


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zorklat
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 11, 2012 - 07:58 PM (#61713)

I was using "handwaving" in the TVtropes sense -- that Amilliana was more or less dismissing the HOW everything gets worked out in a polyamorous relationship, rather explaining it, with anything more than a wave of the hand.


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reynoldsrap
Lover

Posts: 14

Registered:
Apr 2008
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 12, 2012 - 02:25 PM (#61714)

My significant other and I recently did the same thing, and it was a very enjoyable experience that didn't have a negative impact on our emotional intimacy because we set some ground rules first. It also helps that my girlfriend has proven herself nothing but trustworthy to me. If you trust your fiancé, and the thought of her giving you an appreciative smile and beckoning you over while she is with someone else doesn't bother you, then this may be an enjoyable fantasy for you both.

The first ground rule was that she would not be having full intercourse with the other male. They could please each other in all sorts of other ways all they wanted. This rule may change if we do it in the future, as our experience was testing the waters a bit, but it was a good way to see how comfortable we were with the idea.

The second ground rule was that if at any time, either of us felt uncomfortable, we would stop right then and there. You can do this with either a safeword or simply some good old fashioned coitus interruptus.

The third ground rule was that while our third partner could be a good friend, he wouldn't be someone that she would form an emotional connection to. We found someone she found attractive and enjoyed being around, but did not consider good relationship material.

By doing this, we had a very enjoyable experience that we may be repeating in the future. I do not feel threatened by the other male, and I trust my girlfriend very much.

Above all, use caution. Make sure you get to know the guy first, and make sure he's clean.


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rhahael
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 12, 2012 - 03:06 PM (#61715)

You all talk too much about this stupid thing. It can be resumed to a single phrase: "DO IT, but DONT MARRY HER!".

That alone will both make your life pleasurable and save you a lot of trouble.


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lockmedic
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Aug 2008
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Tuesday, June 12, 2012 - 05:41 PM (#61716)

Start with toys. A vibe and your own fiddly bits might be just enough to up the ante without completely changing to the high rollers room.


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Shadlyn
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jun 2012
Re: Three's Company (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 01:39 PM (#61734)
In Response to rhahael (#61715):

Which tells me, absolutely, that rhahael is NOT marriage material (or at least makes posts to that effect).

Anyone who would use someone's fantasy against them while judging them needs to grow up before they can be a partner.

Do it, don't do it, talk about it...but if you do THIS, then you are slimy.


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