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POLL RESULTS: Bad Harem Day: (12 comments)

POLL: Bad Harem Day

Friday, June 15, 2012 - 12:00 AM


So, over the years I have accumulated what can only be described as a "harem", it consists of both genders and frankly I think its more stable than a "real" relationship, but I can't step outside my door without being called a slut or worse. I'm starting to wonder whether or not this is a good thing. What do you think?
POLL: Is it better to have a rotating stable of sexual partners or is monogamy the better choice?
 
7% (169) Are you kidding? The harem is better!
 
30% (663) The harem might be good now, but you're going to want a stable partner, and if you keep screwing around, it's going to be too late.
 
61% (1320) You could be perfectly happy doing either. Each has its pros and cons.
2152 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
tweell
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Mar 2012
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 02:02 AM (#61728)

I'm told that a harem is great fun, but I've never heard of a harem buying a house, watching children, etc. When you get old (unless you are a genetic lottery winner like Sophia Loren) that harem will have evaporated.

If you have no problem with that, go to it. What people call you should certainly be the least of considerations.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 08:11 AM (#61729)

Next time, before you step out the door, put some clothes on.


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DoubleStar
Lover

Posts: 36

Registered:
Mar 2010
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 09:42 AM (#61731)

One of my best friends just recently became the latest addition to another girl's harem whom we have both known for a long time. He'd turned her down on several occasions before but finally agreed this time. When I asked him what was different this time, he basically said he's tired of looking for the right woman and just wants to have some fun; in other words she isn't his idea of a long term partner, doesn't expect it to last, and even if it does, there's no commitment.

And really, that's the kicker - no commitment. That's fine when you're young, but as you get older and loose some of your sex drive a stable long term relationship with someone who will share your life (not just your bed) becomes a lot more important. Just be sure to stay self aware enough to recognize when that turning point happens for you, and hope you can still find someone you can be happy with who feels the same and isn't already attached; my friend's sure had a tough time doing so.

Until that time comes though, if being called a slut bothers you that much, perhaps you should find ways to be more discrete, like my other swinger friend. This is a lifestyle one chooses despite social norms, and as an adult you should already have been aware of how society would react.


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Shadlyn
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jun 2012
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 09:44 AM (#61732)

I've lived with two men for the last...um...12 years. We've bought a house together, bought cars together, own our stuff in a group, and *if* we were ever to have children (unplanned, but accidents happen) we would fully share responsibility for them.

It all depends on what you want and how you feel. If you and your harem really care for each other and provide what you want in partner(s) (more than just sex) then it's absolutely worth it. Let your reputation fall where it may.

If it's just sex, then think hard about how your reputation with your lovers compares to your reputation with your neighbors. Which matters more to you?

And if you're doing it because it feels like you can't get out of any of these hookups without hurting feelings...walk away.

Monogamy is the big player in town, but it's not the only one. What matters is respect, love, friendship, and sexy fun.


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RandomGuy
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jun 2012
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 12:03 PM (#61733)

It should be fine until they start referring to your group as the "Model CDC"


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 04:46 PM (#61737)

If you can figure out the dynamic of a 16 way relationship between yourself and your "commune" of mix-and-match life partners, then more power to you. I personally think cultist is a more appropriate term than slut in this case, but if you like cult life, who am I to say different.

Understanding human nature and how adding complexity to relationships has a dramatic tendancy to ramp up the interpersonal drama, your lifestyle choice seems like it contains a large potential for explosive results in the future.

If you'd like some historical reference, I would recommend the film "Hang the Red Lantern" as something worth watching regarding "harem" dynamics.


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Zonker
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Posts: 6

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 15, 2012 - 05:34 PM (#61738)

Two questions:

1) Does everyone know about whom everyone else is sleeping with?
2) Can you do things with this group of people that don't involve removing clothes?

If the answers to 1 and 2 are "Yes", then what you've got is polyamory. Where the sexiest gift ever is a matching set of Franklin Planners.

I know poly groups that form LLCs to buy houses, raise kids in a group, etc. It works very well if people know what they're buying into ahead of time.


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TLoATDaE
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 16, 2012 - 09:08 AM (#61740)

One of the drawbacks to a pool of partners is quite simply this: How Clean are they all, and who are/have they all been sleeping around with?
Want to hurt your chances at a long-term, committed relationship? Catch an STD (or AIDS).
Having a harem is like playing Russian Roulette with invisible factors that can kill you, or prevent you from ever having healthy kids.
Just sayin'...


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HilarusIncognitus
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Sep 2011
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 18, 2012 - 06:34 AM (#61743)

Since you say you can't go out without being called names I assume everyone involved is aware of the situation.
So from that position the real question is: What to you really want? 5, 10 or more years later, whats the kind of life do you want? You see your "harem" as more stable as a relationship, so it seems you want something stable.
For your "harem" to be stable you better be sure, that all others are seeing it as something stable too. Might be some have other plans when they find the right person. Some might even be in that "harem" because they are REALLY interested in you, and thats the best shot they got (not knowing details, I can only guess what may be). But when the time comes they would move on.
The risks of STDs, especially if not everyone involved tells everything, was already talked about.

As far as I can see it, you would have to find out if you want that situation to last, and also if those involve would really want it to last till... 60?, 70? ... And remember, sometimes what we want changes, and by that time it might be too late.
You also have to find out if the situation gives you everything you want out of a relationship. If not, its not a good thing.

In my personal view is better to have a stable relationship with A right person. I can't imagine anything more stable than my marriage, or the relationships of some of my friends with their spouses.
But then again you may have different plans - just be sure they are there to last for everyone you have this plans with. Be very sure of that.


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bombastinator
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Monday, June 18, 2012 - 10:01 PM (#61749)
In Response to Zonker (#61738):

and that is the key here. Knowing what you are getting into.

There really isn't much information here.

My sister got into one of these once and it wound up being a horrific and horribly abusive situation. They embezzled money from her, Forced her to work for nothing, Treated by much much older members as more or less a convenient sex object, and made her sleep under someone else's bed. She was an inch from being a slave.

These situations can be very good OR very bad.

Notable danger signs:
Is there an even distribution of power and authority?

Are members with higher authority supported by lower ranking members?

Is the group oriented around a single person?


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Sanityfaerie
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Friday, June 22, 2012 - 06:49 PM (#61764)

There are a couple of things to watch out for here.
- If you are relatively young (say, under 30) then it is likely that what you have is the "shiny people being shiny" situation. You manage to be very shiny in some way (attractive, interesting, fun to be around, etc) and a lot of people are into that. The relationships you have can be stable in the short term, but there's a good chance that in the long term, when people get serious about finding life-partners, they're going to decide they'd rather have 100% of someone else (or perhaps 50% of two someone elses) rather than 10% of you. This is especially the case because "shiny" tends to lean fairly heavily on "young, attractive, and energetic" - all traits that decline with age - and building a romantic life around being shiny actually interferes with picking up the skills and personality traits that make functional life-long relationships go. Solution: Feel free to play as long as you want to play, but realize that time is a finite resource, and you're spending it. Once you're done with playtime, look around at whichever partners you have left, and honestly talk with them about what they want and what they see your lives looking like going forward. Try to figure out a stable, functional family structure that everyone involved can agree on. Perhaps it will be with one person, perhaps it will be with more, but you need to have the explicit, long-term buy-in of everyone you want to keep. Recognize that everyone not in that group is temporary, and less important to you, and be willing to ditch them if it's interfering with your relationship(s) with your primary (or primaries). Read up on Polyamory. Communicate. Ignore the people who are calling you a slut. Once you have your preferred set (one or more) of permanent life-partners, they may shut up, but they certainly won't matter.

- It's possible that you're just fantastically successful at acquiring partners without leaning on youth and exuberance. If so, go you. Also, a word to the wise. To my understanding, pretty much all polyamorous groupings that actually function and remain stable at the "lasts more than a decade and successfully produces and raises kids" level are based on a set of rules that are well-understood to pretty much all involved. Those rules can change, but one of the more important ones is that everyone has opted in, all of the primaries in the household can get along with one another, and if any secondaries show up that any of the primaries can't get along with, the secondary gets dropped - no argument, no appeal, no need for justification. If you want a family structure to work while you also date people outside the family, then the people in the family structure must come first. Also, read up on Polyamory. Communicate. Ignore the people who are calling you a slut. Divide the world up into two groups - those who are in your family (and if they're calling you "slut", it should be a term of endearment) and people whose opinions on the matter don't matter..


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: Bad Harem Day (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, June 23, 2012 - 04:12 AM (#61765)

So, over the years I have accumulated what can only be described as a "harem" ... What do you think?

I think you might have sent in your question because you were hoping for either affirmation or envy.


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