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POLL RESULTS: One-nighter: (10 comments)

POLL: One-nighter

Friday, January 18, 2013 - 12:00 AM


A reader writes...

Q.: There is this super hot guy in my class and I really want to hook up with him, but he ONLY does one night stands and everyone ends up knowing who he sleeps with... If I do it everyone is going to know and I would still have to face him and everyone else the whole semester. Is it worth it?
POLL: What should she do...?
 
76% (1036) You have to respect you before anyone else can. Don't sleep with him.
 
15% (214) So everybody knows. Big deal. Have fun.
 
7% (96) Play hard to get.
1346 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Amanda
Lover

Posts: 30

Registered:
Oct 2008
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 18, 2013 - 12:40 AM (#62680)

Okay, think about this. He only does one night stands and he blabs about it too. Clearly he has no respect for the people he sleeps with, but also he's at a high risk for STDs which means you would be at a high risk too even if condoms are always used because they are not 100% effective against everything. On the bright side, you'd be going into it with your eyes wide open, but is it really worth the emotional pain and potential lifetime consequences?


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abb3w
Lover

Posts: 46

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 18, 2013 - 01:18 AM (#62681)
Hard to say. But if everyone ends up knowing who he sleeps with, the logical thing to do would seem to be asking (as deferentially as you can, as it may be a touchy subject) the opinion of all those former one-night stands; whether they think it was worth it, and why. If it's only that they didn't believe or know beforehand what they were getting into, that's one thing; if they've other reasons, like his being incompetent in bed, that's another.

Also bear in mind, you're accepting the reputation, and the corresponding likelihood of other less hot would-be-swains wanting such an opportunity. It's going to complicate sorting through to find multi-night partners, with more mostly interested in more transient opportunities. "You're hot enough for a long-term prospect, not just a one night stand."

You should be seriously hesitant if you've not had a one-night stand before, or had serious regrets from one in the past. Some people can do sex without emotional complications, but a lot of people can't. Still, college is a good time for experimenting and finding out that sort of thing about yourself. You probably should try to line up a good enough friend to console you (without sex) who won't be tempted to say "I told you so", in the event of dire regrets. The certainty of it getting out to everyone afterward does make it easier, in some ways. Everyone will know, so you may as well ask your friends what they think beforehand to rule out the "I told you so" folk; and if you can't find someone beforehand who's at least neutral on the idea... well, that says something, doesn't it?

You might also ask him how many orgasms he's willing to sign a contract promising you. You don't have to literally get a contract, but not being willing to commit himself to even one should be an absolute dealbreaker.

If you do decide to go for it:
  • Make sure the "night" is one with no other time commitments or distractions, to get as much from the one opportunity as possible. The potential for truthfully complaining he didn't last long enough will be a bonus, if you have any buyer's remorse.
  • Don't try for a repeat. You know the deal going in.
  • Don't let HIM try for a repeat. "One night stand" and "booty call privileges" are two different things, and negotiated very differently. If he's interested in the latter, make it clear that's going to need re-negotiation.
  • Don't ever complain afterward that you weren't warned, if you were warned but just didn't believe.
  • Do decide what you're going to let his future prospects know about your satisfaction and dissatisfaction with the experience. Reputations should be a sauce for the gander as well as the goose.
  • Make damn sure to use barrier methods -- condoms and dental dams. Someone with a habit of one-night stands tends to have seriously higher odds of carrying something.

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Sanityfaerie
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 18, 2013 - 03:09 AM (#62683)

One of the questions here - who do you want to be? Do you want to be someone who will have one night stands with sufficiently hot men? There are people who are like that and are happy with it. There are people who would never be happy being like that. If you decide that you are like that... well, you might as well be who you are, and accepting it makes facing people afterwards that much easier. If you decide that you're not like that... I don't care who he is, or how hot he is. The experience of having a one night stand with him is not going to be worth the damage that you do to yourself in accepting it.

Also, if he's getting enough play of of just being hot that he can decide that he's only into one night stands and blab about it afterwards every single time, and still have women lining up, there's a good chance he's never bothered to learn how to please a woman. Why would he bother putting in that effort? ...and the "everyone ends up knowing" thing also suggests that he doesn't have a whole lot of respect for the women he sleeps with, which makes the chances of him working on your pleasure that much lower.

Don't think about it from the perspective of now looking forward. That's all clouded with hormones. Think about it from the perspective of one week after said one night stand looking back. If you're pretty sure that you'll regret having done it, then don't do it.

Also, I'd strongly agree with the voices calling for you to use protection if you do do anything with this guy. Nothing tips the scales towards "regret" quite like an incurable venereal disease.


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rubicandt
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 18, 2013 - 12:29 PM (#62686)

I will warn, I'm probably going to come off as mean ahead. My intent is to be informative, and I am willing to be so at the expense of tact. For the record, I voted "don't sleep with him."

Firstly, by your letter, you've already decided to sleep with him. You're just upset with what you already know the outcome will be. Actions have consequences, and you know what this action will lead to. Frankly, either get over wanting to sleep with him, or get over being upset at people knowing about it post facto.

Secondly, you don't have any bargaining power in this situation. If you don't have sex with this guy, he can find somebody else. You said so yourself, that he's "hot." I'd like to add, though, you should be asking yourself "why do I think this guy is hot?" I can guess that it's because other women find him attractive, which is a self-feeding, pointless argument. Is he healthy? Does he treat his paramours well afterwards? Does he act TOO nice to people around him? Any of these points are worth thinking about if you can get past your biological urges.

Lastly, for now, I'd like to point out that you're not going to change him. You're NOT going to be special to him. You're not filled with magic or the protagonist of some young-adult romantic novel. In the market place of sex, you should be able to find a guy who better suits your desires, either one who desires a relationship, or one who cares about discretion.

Don't believe a guy who says he'll leave somebody for you, because either he'll do it to you, or he's lying; either way, he's already a cheater. Pay attention to past behaviors, how they treat others (esp. waiters and service people), and how upfront they are about things. This guy, at least, isn't hiding who he is or what will happen, but you obviously don't want that. Shop around for something better, or get over your hangups.


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zmortis
Lover

Posts: 76

Registered:
Jun 2009
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 18, 2013 - 07:53 PM (#62687)

Ask yourself honestly this question first: Are you a slut?

If your answer is yes, then jump right in and proudly go through a string of meaningless sexual relationships. Don't let anyone put you down for being yourself. Own up to your behavior, and desires without shame. Don't let him tell other people about it, you tell them first, and give them all the gory details about his performance as well. It sounds like he would have no problem doing the same to you because he is a male slut, and yes, many men are sluts too.

If you are not a slut, then stay away from him. Since he is a slut he will never respect you for giving in to his slutty behavior. You will just be another conquest dissected in gory detail for the entertainment of his friends.

My basic feeling is to think about the person you most respect in your life (a parent, grandparent, teacher, minister, etc.) and think about how you would feel telling them honestly about what you did with this guy if you go through with it. Does that scenario seem like an affirming one, or an embarrassing one. Let your feelings about the eventual consequences be your guide, not your feelings of the transient momentary pleasure.


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 19, 2013 - 02:54 AM (#62689)
In Response to zmortis (#62687):

Are you male or female? For either sex the answer is clear, but different.
Assuming you are female, you will highly likely want the longer term and should forget this roll in the hay. There are exceptions to just about everything, but you should assume you will be pretty average.


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CaptainSmokeblower
Lover

Posts: 58

Registered:
Nov 2009
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 19, 2013 - 11:40 AM (#62690)

No one has presented the obvious.
Wait until after the last class session of the year/semester/whatever then hop in bed with him, preferably after the final so you're not distracted. You can even proposition him with, "Now that that's over I need to unwind. Pork me."
No one in class will know, because they won't get together again for him to point you out in class and everyone else who was in the class (except you and him) will still think you're not slutty.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 21, 2013 - 01:45 AM (#62691)

There is this super hot guy in my class and I really want to hook up with him ...

Why? It's going to be for one -- count it! ONE! -- night. So if it's good, you'll never have him again, and you probably will regret it. If it's bad, you'll probably regret it, too, because you've wasted your time and degraded your reputation. Either way, you lose.

The fact that he apparently advertises that he only does one-night stands indicates to me that he's a smug, shallow asshole. If you're one of those women who gets off on being treated like crap, then by all means go for it!


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vip00
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Monday, January 21, 2013 - 02:33 PM (#62693)

I think a lot of people are out of touch with a lot of how modern dating culture works.

There's a great article in the Times from a few days ago that lays it out very well(visit here if you would like: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fashion/the-end- of-courtship.html)

As for the original question - it sounds like you would be uncomfortable with the idea of everyone knowing that you slept with the guy. That means it's probably not worth it. Chances are the one night of sex is just not going to be so amazing that it'll make everything better.

On the other hand, you should ask yourself why you feel that way. Having sex is fun, enjoyable, and healthy if done in a safe way. You sound like you are young - the days of being labeled a slut for having purely sexual relationships are long behind us. It's something from a bygone era that some people cling to. The most important things are to know yourself and to be safe.

I'm 23 and my female friends are pretty evenly split between ones that have already picked a man and settled down and ones that are more interested in having fun. From what I hear, the ones that are still in it for fun tend to be happier, too. I'm sure by the time I get to 30, most people will be settling down, getting married, and having kids... but why worry about it before you're ready for it?


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HoneyBea
Lover

Posts: 3

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: One-nighter (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, January 24, 2013 - 11:34 AM (#62699)

I am not nay-saying one night stands and I do not judge the people who has them but I voted not to go through with it.

The fact that you are concerned about having to face him and your peers knowing about this hints that you aren't prepared to handle it.

Your reason for wanting to hook up with him is because he's super hot, is there anything else to him that would make this worth it like a rumor of promised satisfaction?

Is your desire for this just to have a notch in your bedpost that you hooked up with this hot guy? Or do you actually hope that you'll be that one of many that he'll connect with and end his ways to be only with you like some cliched harliquin romance? I hope not because let's be real here as you said he's hot and he has girls like you flocking to him, this boils down to buying the cow when he could get the milk for free.

Also consider the way that the info gets out about whom he's been with, is he just blabbing about who he has slept with or is he saying more about it such as how that person was in bed?

Think about how you think of those other girls who has been identified as having had an one-night stand with him. Do you think positively of them? Negatively? Do you want someone (a potential significant other maybe) thinking that way about you?

If you believe that you are mature enough to handle the consequences, your peers, and any possible emotions that comes with taking him up for a one night stand then go for it. If not then spare yourself the stress.


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