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POLL RESULTS: Don't peek: (10 comments)

POLL: Don't peek

Friday, January 25, 2013 - 09:15 AM



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Q.: My feminist wife has recently requested that I do not look at her naked, as it makes her uncomfortable. But she gets upset with me when I apologize for accidentally seeing her unclothed, saying that it's not a problem.

We sleep separately as she is a light sleeper and I am an incurable snorer, but are in a loving relationship and have a child.

I crave intimacy, and she says she does too, but there is always some reason it doesn't happen.

I don't see a way way out of this catch-22 situation. How can I broach the subject without looking like just another [dumb] male?
POLL: How can he talk about this with his wife?
 
56% (1005) He can't. They both need a third party -- like a therapist -- to wade through this mess.
 
0% (10) Give it time.
 
16% (299) No sex? Separate rooms? He's hardly married. Get a divorce!
 
1% (28) Blindfold himself in the bedroom.
 
24% (441) Maybe if he stopped thinking about this person as his "feminist wife" and started thinking about her as "his wife," that'd be a good first step.
1783 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Azerik
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Apr 2009
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 09:50 AM (#62703)

Sleep separately, no sex, can't look at her naked? You aren't in a loving relationship, you have a platonic roommate.

Either there are profoundly broken things about both of you or she's already seeing someone else. Give therapy a shot, but don't be surprised when the divorce papers arrive in the mail.


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Guairdean
Lover

Posts: 20

Registered:
Mar 2008
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 10:47 AM (#62704)

People tend to go overboard on some subjects, and it sounds like your wife has been reading too much feminist propaganda. The goal should be equality, but not a denial of the differences between men and women. Find a counselor, preferably female so that your wife will be more comfortable, and get some help. If your wife won't go, go alone. The counselor will give you information on how to cope with the situation. A trip to an MD to see about treatment for the snoring would also be a good idea.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 07:58 PM (#62706)

Yeah, I have to agree - something does seem rather badly broken here. The fact that your wife doesn't want you to see her naked is not a good sign.

I think it is time to seek professional help for your marriage.


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JustDucky
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 08:24 PM (#62707)

There is a very important piece of information that has been omitted from this question: how old is their child?

If she is still breast feeding, if the child is not sleeping through the night, if her hormones are still out of whack this situation is likely to resolve itself on its own IF he is patient and supportive and accepts that having a child DOES change things.

However, if their child is older there is more at play. She needs to see a doctor. She needs to talk to that doctor about her low sex drive.

As far as this "she's a feminist and that's why she doesn't want him seeing her naked" nonsense, it's exactly that. It's nonsense. That has nothing to do with her sudden body shyness.

My guess is that she has created a negative feedback loop for herself. She feels guilty that they are not being intimate so she feels uncomfortable when he sees her naked. When he apologizes she feels guilty that she feels uncomfortable. So she wants to avoid him seeing her naked.

Again though, the age of their kid indicates what he should do about it. If their child is young (say, under three or so?), he needs to take the pressure off of her. Give her the chance to enjoy physical intimacy with him without the expectation of sex. That means no whining, no guilt tripping, etc. Sex is off the table until she is ready. He needs to tell her that and he needs to mean it. Performance anxiety is not a sexy feeling.

If their child is older and this has been going on for a while, he needs to ask her to see a sex positive couple's counselor either with him or alone. And again, she needs to see an M.D. as well to get checked out. She might have a hormone imbalance like low testosterone or there might be any number of other things going on.

Regardless of the conversation he has with her, he needs to have a conversation. He needs to be calm and non-accusatory and he needs to be willing to listen. And if they work on it together for a good long while and there doesn't seem to be a fix but he wants to stay in the marriage, he needs to talk to her about opening it up sexually.


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JustDucky
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 08:34 PM (#62708)

Okay, quick double post:

@ Guairdean - You ought to pick up The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti and give it a read. It'll give you a better idea of what most modern feminists think about sex. (spoiler: we like it!)


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broklynite
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2013
You need to do something about this. (Score: 0)
posted Friday, January 25, 2013 - 11:17 PM (#62709)

I'm confused. The image in the comic may be what she means- she doesn't like it when HE is naked and yet is fine with him seeing her naked. Otherwise, how can it both be not a problem and yet make her uncomfortable? I wouldn't say that sex makes a marriage, but without it you're little more than good friends.

Now that said, assuming that she doesn't want him seeing HER naked, it might be because she's feeling uncomfortable with her body. He mentions a kid- if she just gave birth, she might not feel comfortable by not being her pre-birth size. Or it might be a large variety of things. If she doesn't want to see him naked, maybe she isn't as attracted to him anymore.

Regardless, it sounds as though it has reached the point that at the very least the couple needs to have a serious and sober sit-down and talk about it. Because when you can't see each other naked, sleep in separate rooms, can't have sex- there's a problem. Maybe you need a therapist. Maybe you need to redefine the marriage. Maybe she wants an open marriage, who knows?

But to my mind, the very first step is to take the initiative and sit down at the kitchen table. Have the kid over with a friend or a parent, whatever the case you need privacy for just the two of you.


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swartzer
Lover

Posts: 9

Registered:
Jun 2011
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 26, 2013 - 01:53 AM (#62710)

As usual, this isn't NEARLY enough information to say anything for sure, but I have a few thoughts.

First, when you say "intimacy", it sounds like you mean "sex". To most women (in the US at least) "intimacy" means "emotional closeness". Check with her and make sure you aren't just talking past each other. Even if it doesn't solve anything, at least you're talking.

Second, what to you mean by "feminist"? Is that a compliment or an insult? Does she describe herself that way or is it just a word you use when you talk to other people about her, or what? Have you asked her how she feels when you use that word about her?

In any case, I doubt feminism has anything to do with her not wanting you to look at her body. Women are constantly bombarded with impossible standards of beauty, and made to feel ugly in comparison. Odds are she doesn't want ANYBODY to see her naked, and it has nothing to do with you. Have you asked her about that?

Finally, don't hold back because you're afraid of looking dumb. Even if that's exactly how she reacts, you can still ask her why, and what you can do about it. In a relationship, silence is death. If you find you can't talk to her about any of this, then it's time to get some counseling, whether or not she wants to come along.


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tweell
Lover

Posts: 8

Registered:
Mar 2012
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, January 26, 2013 - 05:09 PM (#62713)

You are in serious trouble, dude. Right now no matter what you do, she'll say it's wrong. You don't have a wife, you have a room mate with child support. Without help, your life as a doormat will only get worse.

At a minimum, visit www.marriedmansexlife.com and get educated.


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spzeidler
Lover

Posts: 35

Registered:
Jan 2010
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, January 31, 2013 - 04:46 PM (#62721)

I'd like to note that a good many people have suffered sexual abuse and other abuse at some point, and that this sometimes washes up after a period of dormancy (up to outright forgetting).
So, there may be serious skeletons in the closet causing problems.

A therapist might help.


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erectz
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2013
Re: POLL: Don't peek (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 15, 2013 - 07:53 AM (#62765)

so sad to know this. I dont understand why you are not just getting into it?


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