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POLL RESULTS: Polyamorous possibilities: (7 comments)

POLL: Polyamorous possibilities

Friday, February 08, 2013 - 12:00 AM



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A reader writes... Q.: I'm in a long-term serious relationship with a great guy. I've known for awhile that my best friend was also in love with me, but he's always been respectful of my relationship so it's never been an issue. My boyfriend likes him too, even if they're not close. Recently, the idea of trying a polyamorous relationship has come up. My best friend seems excited about the idea, while my boyfriend is wary but willing to give it a try. I'm interested, but I'm also worried about messing up my friendship with my best friend or my relationship with my boyfriend. Should we give it a go or leave things how they are?
POLL: Should they try a polyamorous relationship?
 
14% (221) No way. This best friend is up to no good.
 
3% (48) Maybe. Can he do yard work?
 
5% (78) Absolutely! The more the merrier!
 
77% (1199) Beware. Poly relationships don't work when one of the participants is less than 100% into it.
1546 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
Sanityfaerie
Lover

Posts: 17

Registered:
Jan 2011
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 08, 2013 - 08:30 AM (#62741)

Honestly, I'm getting danger vibes from this one. Poly is an interesting way to build our life, and can work, but this is not the way. A few solid rules of thumb when considering opening up a previously existing relationship.

- First, it should be a discussion between the two people in the relationship. The desires of your friends shouldn't come into it (except as a potential source fo threat). "Wary but willing to give it a try" sounds like your boyfriend wasn't the one to broach the subject, and the fact that you're worried too suggests that the best friend might have been the one to broach the subject, and that just sounds like a poor choice all around.

- Generally speaking, the relatively healthy way to move into poly is that the person who is pushing it lets their partner go first. As previously noted, if neither of you is pushing this thing, then you shouldn't do it. Likewise, if the person who is pushing this thing isn't willing to let their partner go first, then the parts of them that say that they want to do the viable poly thing don't really mean it.

- Long-term healthy poly relationships pretty much require that you decide who your primaries are, who your secondaries are, that the primaries are all totally on board with each other, and that you be willing to ditch any secondary for any reason or no reason based on the feelings of any primary. This guy is your best friend. Are you willing to drop him as a partner without hesitation, recourse, or bitterness just because your current boyfriend says so?

On the flip side, if you're still, say, in college... well, it is a time for experimentation - and after all of the excruciating drama has past, and you've (most likely) either switched to your best friend or washed your hands of both of them you'll have learned a fair bit about yourself and how you work and whatnot.


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rubbadubba
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2013
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 08, 2013 - 12:26 PM (#62743)
In Response to Sanityfaerie (#62741):

It's plainly obvious that your boyfriend wants to sleep with other people, and he's either attracted to your best friend, or he wants to sleep with other men/women but doesn't want to stop sleeping with you. If you're okay with this, and your best friend is okay, then all is fun and games. If not, this pretty much always ends badly.


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oldfart
Lover

Posts: 1

Registered:
Feb 2013
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 08, 2013 - 12:32 PM (#62744)

FWIW - The fact that your boyfriend is not your best friend, ultimately dooms the relationship with both of them, regardless of what you do from here on out.
You did not define what you mean by "long-term".
IMHO (and experience), long-term is measured in decades, not months or years.
Also - FWIW, male mammals are competitive by nature, especially in relation to relationships.
I recommend you rethink this - outside of the borders of the ego-trip that having two studs into you (so to speak) involves.
Chances are, this will not end well when it ends - and it will.


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broklynite
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Jan 2013
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 08, 2013 - 01:11 PM (#62745)

This sounds like a setup for a lot of fighting. From how it sounds, though, I'm not sure if you mean a poly relationship or just a threesome. Here's how it sounds to me: Either way, you need to give a lot of thought to your best friend. That is, you seem to care about your best friend as a friend but not in a boyfriend way. He wants to be with you, but you obviously don't want to be with him (otherwise you'd be in a relationship, right?). So you figure that you can make him happy by having a poly relationship or at least a threesome so he can finally just be happy. At the same time, you don't want your boyfriend to be hurt. So what do you do? Sounds like your boyfriend is humoring you and being pretty nice about it. What exactly do you picture happening after you start sleeping with your best friend? Do you think your friend will continue to be willing to share with your boyfriend? Do you think you'll be able to continue having a friendship with your friend-turned-boyfriend? Are you sexually attracted to your friend? Because you need to really worry about all of these factors.


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Bruceski
Lover

Posts: 6

Registered:
May 2011
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 09, 2013 - 02:12 AM (#62746)

I'm mono-amorous myself, but I've had friends in both poly relationships that went well and ones that didn't. What your boyfriend is wary ABOUT is just as important as his being wary, and can really shed some light on if this the former or the latter.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 10, 2013 - 11:31 AM (#62747)

This is never one of those easy ones. On a very basic level, if your instincts are telling you that it is a bad idea, you need to listen. This is a situation where if you have to ask the question, you should not be doing it. But, also, you need to understand something about your best friend.

You know how your best friend seems okay with your relationship? He's actually not. He's in a very unhealthy situation, and in a lot of suffering because of it. I know - I've been there.

I used to dearly love somebody who would not date me. She'd date other people, and sometimes even form relationships with them. She's even tell me about it. What I came to realize was that we were dating each other emotionally, but not in any other way. And I could have happily chased her for the rest of my life, despite the pain it was causing me to not be able to be with the woman I loved. This lasted years - it was only after I finally realized that I needed to break it off that I was able to move on, and meet the woman who is now my fiancee.

(And yes, in that time, I was respectful of her relationships, and I told her I was fine with her not dating me - and I was lying through my teeth. I was lying to her, because her happiness was more important to me than my own, and I was lying to myself, because I could not face the truth until the pain became just too great to bear.)

Now, there was a bit more mutual emotional attachment in my case, but your situation is very similar. Your best friend is chasing you - so long as the merest possibility of having something with you, even if it is a junior partner in a polyamorous relationship, he will not be able to let go and move on. And he WILL suffer, telling you he's fine throughout.

I'm sorry to tell you this, I truly am, but you have to make a choice - you need to choose between your boyfriend and your best friend. And, if you choose your boyfriend, you need to make that choice crystal clear to your best friend, so that he can move on and get on with his life.

I wish you could keep both in this situation, but you can't. So long as you let the love triangle persist, you're hurting your best friend. If you try to keep both, it will last until your best friend's pain becomes too much for him to bear, and when you lose him, it will be very bitter.

Take it from somebody who knows.


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Garwulf
Lover

From: In my chair

Posts: 33

Registered:
Jun 2010
Re: POLL: Polyamorous possibilities (Score: 0)
posted Sunday, February 10, 2013 - 12:35 PM (#62748)
In Response to rubbadubba (#62743):

Um, actually it seems quite obvious that both her and her boyfriend have reservations about it. From what she wrote, it seems that it was her best friend who suggested it, not her boyfriend.


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