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POLL RESULTS: What is he thinking?!: (7 comments)

POLL: What is he thinking?!

Friday, February 22, 2013 - 12:00 AM

A reader writes...

Q. My boyfriend is the nicest guy in the world, he's smart, he has a good sense of humor, he never overreacts or raises his voice, but it's like he's from another planet. Also he's not sexually attracted to anyone, he can still get it up with medicine and does so in order to pleasure me. He has an entirely different moral code than most humans, he'd be okay with me cheating, but wouldnt be ok if I had feelings for the person. He detests all sorts of violence, but strongly advocates the death sentence. I love him but i just cant understand his brain function. What do i do?

Do you have a question for Courting Disaster? Use this form!
POLL: What should she do?
47% (664) If she loves him, she loves him -- warts and all.
18% (255) This doesn't sound like a great relationship. Move on.
34% (474) Try to talk to him about this.
1393 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)

Posts: 58

Nov 2009
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 22, 2013 - 10:29 AM (#62791)

"He can get it up with medicine and does so to pleasure me," is problematic because if he's not benefiting from the sex it will become "work" and he'll tire of it and quit, pushing you to exercise the sex without feeling option.
Human moral codes are all over the spectrum so it sounds like his are out of synch with yours. You'll have to figure out how much that affects your relationship, especially if you're a person who only has sex with a person about whom you care (violating his cheat without caring rule). I wonder if he is really okay with cheating without caring, i.e., did that work in a previous relationship or did it kill the relationship. People often say similar things, but then they can't believe you don't have feelings for the third party.
Finally, from your description it sounds like he's internalizing his emotions. He may reach a point he can no longer do that and will explode in a murderous rage. Don't be there if that happens.

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Posts: 3

Jan 2013
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 22, 2013 - 11:32 AM (#62792)

This boyfriend sounds as if he's an asexual. The lack of attraction but willingness to go through such lengths to please you seems somewhat typical of an asexual.

If this is the case then sex to him doesn't mean the same as or is as important as sex is for you.

He can not always give you what you want so he doesn't mind you getting sexual pleasure from someone else but he does mind if you become emotionally intimate and attached to another because the emotional and romantic aspects of your relationship means more to him.

In short he may view anyone else you have sex with as living sex toys.

As for the detesting violence but supporting a death sentence he may see it as a way of punishing those who has done violent things. It's like a means to an end.

But these are merely assumptions it's best to talk this over with him.

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Posts: 37

Apr 2011
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 22, 2013 - 11:50 AM (#62793)

Sounds like a case of the heart wants what the heart wants. As HoneyBea says, that is symptomatic of asexuality (althought it's also symptomatic of testosterone insensitivity and a T shot might be in order)

If you love him, you love him. the question you need to be asking is not about him, but about yourself. Do YOU feel you can stay in a relationship in the long term with someone whose values you're not able to comprehend? Some people can make it work like cats and dogs living together in harmony... for others, it's more like christians and muslims during the crusades... sooner or later someone is going to get pillaged and burned.

Having a conversation with him might help ease your mind, but at least from your brief desciption, his thought proccesses are informed by things you can't even comprehend. So some self-analasys is in order.

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Posts: 1

Feb 2013
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Friday, February 22, 2013 - 12:46 PM (#62796)

As someone who IS him(not literally) without the sexual dysfunction I think he should seek some mental help. He does sound like an emotionally repressed person and talking to someone may help.

The fact that he's able to have a girlfriend at all is amazing to me so it's possible she sought him and not the other way around. Regardless, it's more likely to end with more whimper than bang unless he gets angry, and I mean truly angry. Then all bets are off.

Signed, guy described to a 'T" but actually got help.

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Posts: 42

Nov 2010
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 23, 2013 - 01:29 AM (#62797)

Sounds like a weird guy, but you may be able to make a go of it, and maybe a quite good one. So you don't want to throw him away, or grab too fast. Look a little deeper, and good luck.

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Posts: 4

Feb 2013
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, February 23, 2013 - 08:37 AM (#62798)

I think it's possible to be anti-violence and pro-death penalty without contradiction, they're separate issues, but can be compatible, for example: Death penalty for perpetrators of extreme violence. Effectively removing some violence from the world? I'm not saying I think like that, I'm just saying, there is a sort of logic to it.

Pro-death-penalty isn't necessarily a worrisome conflict with anti-violence, unless the suggested 'death' is violent and/or personally enacted. And even then, the reaction may be coloured by other factors.

I really don't know what to say about the whole sexual side of things, but you might want to look at [] - particularly the question 'I think my partner might be asexual. What should I do?' - the related pages may also be of interest.

As an asexual, though, I'd like to think outsourcing sex could be a viable relationship option. As long as all parties were honest from the very beginning - before the sex - and aware enough of their feelings to stop if things got a bit too emotional between the sexual and their sex partner.

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Posts: 2

Mar 2012
Re: What is he thinking?! (Score: 0)
posted Monday, February 25, 2013 - 11:55 AM (#62799)

I am wondering where the problem is.

Do his moral views cause problems between you? If not, I don't see a problem. Just "he thinks this" is not a good answer. If he actually does things that cause conflict, then you have to consider your position

As to the sex: he is apparently doing what is necessary to please you. A huge part of a relationship is people actually putting the other person first and making an effort to meet their needs. This may be the single most important part of a relationship, in fact.

Even if he doesn't take pleasure from sex himself, if sounds like he takes pleasure from making you happy. Be happy that you have a partner who's not demanding in bed, and go with it.

A lot of people would love to be in your position - having a partner who tries and works to make you happy is a huge thing. A lot of us never get that.

So the thing to ask yourself is where you see the two of you 30 years from now. If you think he will be the committed partner you need, and if you love him, then you may be right where you're supposed to be.

(I also don't see a contradiction between being nonviolent and endorsing the death penalty. Violence and deliberate killing are two separate acts. They are often related, but still not the same thing.)

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