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POLL RESULTS: I am what I am: (7 comments)

POLL: I am what I am

Friday, March 15, 2013 - 12:00 AM

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A reader writes...

Q.: I'm gay and I really do love my boyfriend, but he's just so damn flamboyant and loud I can barely stand it. How should I bring this up?
POLL: How should he bring this up?
 
5% (55) Quietly... very, very quietly...
 
1% (16) Try to learn to live with it.
 
6% (66) What could you do to embarrass *him*?
 
19% (199) If you really loved him, you'd love everything about him -- even his flamboyance
 
67% (704) Talk it out... in a private place
1040 people have voted in this poll. (This poll is not active.)
JonahGrimm
Lover

Posts: 4

Registered:
Feb 2012
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Friday, March 15, 2013 - 02:57 PM (#62844)

Okay, let's be honest.

You fell in love with your partner because he is who he is. You can sit and talk with him, you can ask him to reign it in in certain occasions, you can try to change him... but it doesn't work. It won't work.

Either you love him because of his faults, or you've taken him on as a project. One of these is healthy, one isn't.

By the way, this doesn't mean you can't talk to your partner about things that are actually wrong.. When I'm an ass, my wife calls me on it. However, being a loud and somewhat overexuberant fellow isn't bad behavior, it's just who I am - if she tried to change that, it wouldn't go well. The distinction is there: if your partner's generally behaving well, but you're just embarrassed? That's not really his problem. Offer your feelings, but you can't expect him to become someone else.


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DavidArgall
Lover

Posts: 42

Registered:
Nov 2010
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, March 16, 2013 - 02:36 AM (#62845)
In Response to JonahGrimm (#62844):

As many a girl has found out, trying to change him is not likely to work. If you can't put up with him now, do not count on him getting better. It's not impossible, but the odds are not good. If you can't put up with him unchanged, find somebody you can.


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MalikTous
Lover

From: RiVaUSA

Posts: 4

Registered:
Mar 2013
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Saturday, March 16, 2013 - 09:14 AM (#62846)

I see a couple of options. The best one is not to change him completely, but rather to get him to realise that baiting prudes who're likely to express their offence with a weapon is never appropriate. His flamboyant acts wouldn't be out of place in 'Bound' or a Black Rose club up in DC, or in one of your local places that serve LBGT customers; get him to lay off the theatrics everywhere else and show off only to people tolerant enough to limit their complaints to shouts of 'Get a room, you two!' instead of baseball bats or 6mm rounds from pocket pistols. Look up the history of the end of 'Jim Crow'; you're facing something similar with homophobic violence freaks in public.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Monday, March 18, 2013 - 03:11 AM (#62848)
In Response to MalikTous (#62846):

Jeeze! Who said anything about "homophobic violence freaks"? The impression I got from the query was that the poster was embarrassed that his boyfriend was living the obnoxious stereotype of a "flaming" homosexual, possibly as an attention-getting device or possibly because he was a little too extroverted and uninhibited for the poster's personal style.


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WilmRoget
Lover

Posts: 2

Registered:
Feb 2013
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Wednesday, March 20, 2013 - 05:29 PM (#62852)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#62848):

"was living the obnoxious stereotype of a "flaming" homosexual, possibly as an attention-getting device or possibly because he was a little too extroverted and uninhibited for the poster's personal style."

Gee, could your overt homophobia be anymore obnoxious? Are you living the homophobic douche stereotype as an attention-getting device, or does it reflect your real character?

The question merely asks about 'flamboyant' - which you exaggerate completely and cast in a very negative way.

The reality is, your post affirms the sad point that MalikTous made - that homophobes will look for any excuse to abuse, denigrate, defame, marginalize and attack gay people.

And such homophobia is why MalikTous's advice is wrong - the flamboyant boyfriend should not and does not have to live to please homophobes, to make them comfortable . . .

Because homophobes will always see anything gay men do in the worst way, the way that feeds their heterosexist egos, anyways.

To the poster - either you really love your boyfriend, flamboyant behavior and all, or you just love having sex with him.

If you love him, you'll accept the flamboyant as part of him. If you are just using him for sex - go muck about with the "straight-acting", internalized homophobia boys on grinder and let your boyfriend find someone who truly appreciates him.


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Murgatroyd
Lover

Posts: 300

Registered:
Jan 2008
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 0)
posted Thursday, March 21, 2013 - 04:20 AM (#62854)
In Response to WilmRoget (#62852):

The question merely asks about 'flamboyant' - which you exaggerate completely and cast in a very negative way.

"get him to lay off the theatrics everywhere else and show off only to people tolerant enough to limit their complaints to shouts of 'Get a room, you two!' instead of baseball bats or 6mm rounds from pocket pistols."

The reality is, your post affirms the sad point that MalikTous made - that homophobes will look for any excuse to abuse, denigrate, defame, marginalize and attack gay people. ... Because homophobes will always see anything gay men do in the worst way, the way that feeds their heterosexist egos, anyways.

People don't often tell you that there's too little drama in your life, right?


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Guigar
Lover

Posts: 291

Registered:
Sep 2007
Re: POLL: I am what I am (Score: 1)
posted Thursday, March 21, 2013 - 08:49 AM (#62855)
In Response to Murgatroyd (#62854):

Folks, let's discuss the issue, and leave the personal attacks for elsewhere. It's possible to see this two different ways and not be evil.


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Discussion: POLL: I am what I am | Login/Create an Account | 7 comments
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